when I write about people I tend to do it enigmatically, I thought I would try something a little different this time
I miss you and I wish you didn’t have to leave but you did. Sometimes I don’t know whether to push away pain or let it take over me but sometimes maybe you have to do just that, maybe sometimes I just have to feel it and accept the fact that these are my emotions as they stand, I can’t hide from them. I can’t run from myself, from my own mind, I’ve been trying for years and no matter what it always catches up with me, it always drags me back and so maybe if I don’t run anymore, there’ll be no chase. I won’t feel like I’m running ‘til my lungs give out and that I’m surrounded by darkness and crooked twig branches lashing at my legs every which way I turn. I can’t run, I trip, fall face first down rocky descents listening to every bone in my body shatter on the way down. I can’t hide from the darkness because I have become it, and the moon will always make the wolves howl to bring them home. I can’t outrun them, they hunt me each night when I close my eyes, they can smell the fear on me and my hands are covered in blood. The blood from my open wounds and from every heart I’ve ever ripped out of innocent chests, I didn’t mean to be this way, to be this cold. I look down at my hands and they’re covered in ice, they’re black and blue and they’re bruised, the blood has gathered under the surface in a purple mass and every time all I want to do is press harder. To really feel it, feel the pain I’ve inflicted on everyone else and maybe then I’ll realise why they don’t love me anymore, why I miss them but they don’t miss me. They never will, they’re gone. I’m alone. I’m standing alone on top of rocky mountains as the snow falls down mercilessly around me. I’m standing alone, covered in the fur coats of all the creatures I’ve had to confront on the way up, their blood dripping crimson around my feet like the juice of the richest fruits that only the deserving can touch. It laces patterns around me, I place a cold hand into the snow just to feel something and leave a scarlet handprint in my wake. My eyes don’t cry, I’m not scared anymore.
I’m standing alone, though I’m not standing tall. I’m not proud of what I’ve done, I have become everything I hate, everything I promised the moon I’d never be. Now I’m one of them. I have become cold. If I stand here long enough I may turn into ice and freeze for all of eternity along with the rest of them. The wind rips through my hair as I stare out into the empty world before me and realise that I was never destined for the light, some people aren’t. Maybe life isn’t for everyone, maybe love wasn’t for me. I’m standing alone but I will find my belonging, I will howl with the wolves and I will join forces with the moon. They will not find me and kill me again, I have locked my heart in a cage with the rest of them and they cannot hurt me anymore.
The sun has never risen in my eyes; they only open as the light is disappearing beyond the horizon, another end I will never reach. I have adjusted; I have now found everything that is blind to those who do not wish to see it, who do not know the secrets of the night like I do. I stay awake, I listen, I learn, don’t speak, don’t get hurt. It’s always the quiet ones you need to look out for, I know more about you than you’d care to imagine and you should be scared, I will surround you like a hurricane and show no mercy to those who stand in my way.
The darkness cannot catch me, because I have become it. You are the reason things ended this way, you cannot look through me anymore and now you have no choice but to notice me as my face is the only thing you see when you close your eyes. I am a child of the night and I will no longer be afraid of my shaking hands, I will no longer be afraid to destroy everything that I touch. I touched you and my icy hands froze your pieces back together, yet you touched me and the warmth of your body burned me to the ground. They say opposites attract but sometimes even science gets it wrong, they say if you play with fire you get burned and my charred ashes were on the ground at your feet yet you walked away like it was nothing. I became cold to freeze my heart so you couldn’t thaw it out because I was protecting myself from everything you said you’d never be and you told me you were afraid of the dark yet you tried so hard to create it. I won’t be sorry for everything I’ve lost and for everything you gained, you might think you’ve moved on but baby, you can’t run from the nightmares inside your head. The ghosts in your dreams all look like me. Closing your eyes doesn’t help anymore; my voice is the only thing you hear when you lay in bed at night waiting for the sun to rise, but the creatures of the night don’t disappear that easily and neither do I. I hid for so long but now it’s your turn to show yourself and you shut your eyes on everything before you but now you have no choice but to see.
So go on, open them up.
You’re not afraid of the dark are you?