honesty

i’ve never been honest with my feelings, ever. i honestly can’t and don’t remember a time when i would ever tell anyone how i was really feeling unless i was on the verge of breaking point or someone was forcing me to answer because they knew i wasn’t okay and they weren’t going to be fooled by my lies. lately, being honest with my feelings has been so important to me because i’ve needed to do it in order to break free from situations i didn’t want to be in and really do what was right by me. it wasn’t just about being honest with other people, it was about being honest with myself. i think because i was so used to hiding my feelings and constantly lying and pretending that everything was fine, i almost tricked myself into believing it too. if you constantly tell yourself something, eventually you’ll believe it and it works with both positivity and negativity. i’d constantly tell myself that i was fine and that what i was doing was what i really wanted when in actual fact, it wasn’t. but it wasn’t just about owning up to others and admitting that actually, what i was doing wasn’t what i wanted, it was about looking in the mirror and admitting it to myself. after recent events in my life i’m bored of hiding my feelings and pretending, and ever since, i’ve just started to be completely straight up with people, because i can’t be bothered anymore to lie about it. you don’t really how mentally draining and exhausting it is to constantly act differently to how you really feel until you stop doing it. i’d been doing it for so long i didn’t realise how freeing it felt to just…feel. like really feel, and not have to hide from it. if i’m upset? i’ll tell you, if i’m on top of the world for absolutely no reason at all? damn right i’ll shout about it. yes, i’m really heartbroken and hurt right now but you know what it’s okay because it makes me human and i’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that someone hurt me and even though i should pick myself up and move on from it because i’m better than that, i’m going allow myself to live through the pain a little bit longer. i feel like i’ve removed a fake identity and now all that’s left underneath it is, well…me. being honest with people is so important, but more importantly, it’s important to be honest with yourself.

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