you are so gracefully insane

“and i was looking at myself and i was thinking ‘who am i?’ because i was so lost and i’d never really taken the time to sit down and truly look at myself. and so i was going back to the very route of my existence and they always say that as you were born, the things you loved growing up as a child are the things that make you who you are. the only things i can remember from my childhood were writing and being engulfed in books and having an overflowing bookcase until i grew up and found the internet, and then i think i lost myself because of what i saw out there. 

they say when you’re trying to find yourself to look at pictures of you when you were a child and to look at the types of clothes you were wearing, even though you were dressed by your parents, it was still you. and i think it’s important to know that you can still go back to that, with your dungarees and your curly hair, your white knee high socks and sundresses. what did you love to do before the world told you it wasn’t enough? that for me was writing. it’s always been writing. it’s always been books. words are so important to me, i’m so passionate about creating magic which is exactly what i do every time my pen hits the paper. i never want to stop creating, i never want to stop believing in magic and believing in the freedom of the words so to speak. writing is an escape from everything you ever knew and it enables me to live in a world that i have created, which is a lot nicer than the one i have been presented with down here. so yes, i am insane. i am insanely lost, but in the best and most beautiful way. i am lost and i don’t want to be found. i am a writer and i am a dreamer, and i will never fully understand why anybody would want to be anything other than that.

it’s what’s in here that counts. i don’t care what you look like on the outside. i want somebody who can tell me stories, somebody who can take me to places without ever leaving the room. somebody who can make me believe in things that are bigger than myself. surround yourself with magic and you will so easily be able to create it, i think you have to be a little bit insane to even entertain the idea of that, which is why sometimes i feel that maybe i would be better off playing alice as she was in wonderland, as the cheshire cat so wonderfully told her, “we’re all mad here”.”

– an excerpt from my journal

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