finding friends & being alone

Hi loves,

I could have made this two separate posts but I thought I’d link them together as I want to talk about both today. I’m sat in my room right now with the windows open and it’s the most beautiful day, there’s not a cloud in the sky, I can hear birds outside and there’s a slight warm breeze rolling in through my window. I’m feeling really inspired and creative, sometimes I get these spouts of inspiration when I’ve been watching a lot of the people I look up to – Emma Mercury, The Messy Heads etc. and I thought I’d make this post because it’s something I’ve thought about for years now but I’ve never really wrote about it I guess, I have touched upon it in past journal entries and stuff but that was more when I was in a sad mood and nothing was really coherent, I was just spilling everything out onto the page and feeling very lost. I still feel like that and I still make those types of journal entries, but I wanted to make this post more talkative and something I could discuss, rather than feel sad about.

It’s all about finding people, I don’t want to get into too much detail with it because it’s a very long story and I’m trying to make this post a little inspiring, so, a long story short – when I left I school I didn’t really know what to do with myself or which direction I was going in. I moved from my regular high school when I was 14 and the close friends I had there I drifted from, when I moved to this new school for the remaining two years of my education I made lots of new friends but by the end of the journey, I realised they weren’t true friends. I’d known this for a long time and so had they, but we just stuck it out because we didn’t want to cause drama or tension – this meant that when we left school we didn’t stay in contact with each other (we weren’t right for each other and it was toxic and pointless to stay in each other’s lives).

When you leave school, you have two options – get a full time job or continue your education into college to get further qualifications so that you’re able to attend university if you want to. I didn’t want to attend universityย and I also didn’t want to go to college because despite the fact I loved learning and being educated on things, the schooling system definitely wasn’t for me. Being stuck inside a classroom suffocated by four walls and surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about being there really wasn’t my cup of tea, I was a dreamer, a wanderer. I wanted to get out into the world and explore, to learn from experience rather than an education system that showed me everything was black and white and made me feel like if I didn’t conform to the standards and textbook answers they were looking for, I wasn’t good enough. I also didn’t want to attend college because I knew so many of the people there from my old school and I really didn’t want to go back to that place, not because there were ill feelings or because I’d been bullied or anything, but just because it was an old chapter in my life that I wanted to move on from, I wanted to start a fresh. I constantly have this urge to start over all the time, to run away to a place where no one knows my name and be anybody that I want to be. I didn’t want to go back to people that were in my past, they were there for a reason.

In conclusion, I was stuck – I mentioned the option of getting a job (something we call an apprenticeship) when you leave school but at the time I was unaware this was in fact an option for me, so therefore my belief was that the only thing I could do was the same thing that everyone else was doing – go to college.

I was distraught, I was racking my brains wondering what I was going to do. Everyone else knew what they were doing, where they were going, what subjects they were studying. I on the other hand didn’t want to do any of these things but at the time didn’t have any other choice, and due to having a lot of toxic and fake friends from just having left school, I didn’t particularly fancy then going to college with them either. I had one true friend who I knew I could trust, my options were to go to college with her or stay where I was and just ride it out. As much as I wanted to be with my friend, I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me to do. I would have been doing it more for her than for myself because I had no interest in being there other than for us to see each other and like I said – college was going to be swarmed with people from my past and I wantedย to stay away.

My only remaining option was to just ride it out and remain where I currently was, I stayed on for an extra year at school (sixth form – pretty much the same thing as college but you remain at school) and wasted a year there. Technically I was just hanging around, there weren’t many people in my year and I already knew all of them because I’d gone to school with them – this meant I had no chance to meet new people and make new friends to make up for all the fake ones I’d lost previously, so now I was left with just the one friend, one person I could trust. I had acquaintances, I had people who I’d chat with and things like that, but in terms of hanging out and spending time with people – I only did that with one person.ย I had no problem with this, but I wanted us both to have a friendship group again, peopleย we could go on adventures with who shared the same interests as us, but it feltย like an impossible task.

After the extra year I wasted at school, I discovered the option of actually getting a job – I did this and I’ve been working full time for two years now, I really enjoy it. However, again, the problem is that the people I work with are a lot older than me, married with kids – some even with grandchildren. It’s hard to find people to connect with and hangout with when they’re all adults a lot older than I am. Another opportunity missed because this didn’t present me with the option of being able to meet new and like-minded people.

Fast forward to right now when I’m sat in my room, writing this – I’m still looking for my people. The true friend I mentioned previously went to university and we drifted a lot, it really took its toll on our friendship and we don’t really speak anymore. I spend a lot of time alone but I’m definitely not lonely, I spend time creating, reading, writing, educating myself, listening to music, going on drives, all the things that I love to do. Of course I’d love to find friends to share these experiences with, I’d love to go on drives and little adventures with someone, to lie in the middle of fields looking up at the clouds and talking about the creation of the universe and the reasons we’ve been given these funny little lives of ours. I’d love to go thrifting with someone, grab coffee and sit at a table writing in journals, pick out clothes for each other, wear funky hairstyles and do each other’s glittery makeup – I’d love to share my creativeness with someone else, someone who thinks the way I do, someone who wants to dream and wander and create true friendship that will last a lifetime. I’m having a really hard time finding people, I know they’re out there and I know there’s lots of them around, I’m just struggling to make that first connection and to take that first step. I’ll find my people someday and until then, I’m just going to continue doing what I love and welcome anyone that wants to embark on this crazy little journey with me.

I hope this post makes sense,ย if you’ve managed to make it this far then I appreciate you so much for taking the time to read this !! I hope if you’re feeling the same way I do then this makes you a little happier, and remember to always stay you, you crazy little dreamers.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “finding friends & being alone

  1. youngmisfit says:

    I totally understand what you’re saying. I’ve moved around and I know what it’s like to not have friends, have friends but not feel close with them, and also have friends that you have to leave. I too badly want someone to go out and be me with, look at art and do stupid things that are exciting BECAUSE we’re together. Sometimes you just need a best friend. And I also get the sudden urge to change my whole life and go somewhere where no one knows me. I’ve just gotten used to change and I hate the idea of staying in one place, doing the same things. This was unnecessarily long, but I hope you find someone to live life with, xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Ahh don’t be silly, I love reading things like this! It’s so comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling this way and that there are actually other people out there with the same mindset, I think the best thing is to try and let it come naturally and not force it, even though I want to hurry up, live life and find my best friend !! Hahah, thanks for your fab comment xxx

      Like

  2. hopelessblog says:

    Drifting from friends sucks but i’ve come to learnt its part of growing up, most of the people you drift from are probably the best reasons and were not true friends, this is a great post and great blog inspo! I’m new to blogging and plan on writing a few things about my thoughts and feelings and i would love it if you could check out my posts and follow?x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nahndi Chiumya says:

    Awhhh, I remember feeling i think some of this way. Sometime last year after freshman year had ended…yes i’m that young 16 years as of may 24th๐Ÿ˜ฌ congrats to me ik right!! The thing is people were changing around me and my friend group didn’t fit. No one i’d considered hanging out with I truly wanted to. It’s as if the flikr went off each conversation i intended to begin. And this year it was better at first except, my best friend moved away and never contacted me again after janurary… as well as my second best friend who moved away, we all had plans to meet each other up again. …I wish things were different but ig we grew distant. While rn I only consider two plp to be my friends one of which is bound to move this summer…i have a guy friend but he’s months younger n wont share my classes. But im willing to stick it and branch out from my usual group of acquaintances plus! I really do hope that you find your true match if friends, its best to at least have one person you know can be there when you need them…lol srry for he length, i ws ranty. It was a nice and open post though love:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Ahh no don’t be silly it wasn’t ranty at all, I adore reading things like this – thank you so much for taking the time to comment !! Even though it’s sad it’s still nice to know I’m not the only one feeling this way, as it can feel pretty lonely at times as I’m sure you know. I’m glad you still have people around you though to class as friends – I’d rather have a few close ones than a million fake ones, it’s definitely not about numbers. Thank you for your words ๐Ÿ’™x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. melodremma says:

    wow, i read this and had to take a step back to question if these words were my own.
    I feel every inch of this post so deeply.
    i’m still searching for my people too, I watch emmercury’s videos, see her instagram posts, read themessyheads and wonder how and where i can find such inspiring and wonderful people like the ones that exist in emmas world.
    i hope we find them soon but in the meantime, keep doing you girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      This made me so happy to read, thank you so much, I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone in this. We’ll find our people someday. They’ll come to us exactly when they need to. Thank you for this xxx

      Like

  5. nataliesalchemy says:

    Chloe,
    It’s crazy because I was about to make a post on the same subject. I, too, am also searching for my “tribe,” and a bestie. Someone who I can go to travel, to thrift, like you mentioned, to workout, and to be goofy with. Although I didn’t have the same experience as you, I am in the same boat – alone. Sadly, because I have mild depression, I find myself lonely and having a hard time of pursuing my creative endeavors. I attended college and traveled the world, but all of this is away from my current residence, and therefore, all the friends I have made are a long ways from me.I think it’s fantastic though that you can use your alone time wisely, and that you are not lonely. I wish you luck.

    Natalie | Holistic Health, Lifestyle, & Travel
    http://nataliesalchemy.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      This made me so happy to read, do you ever get that feeling where you read something and think wow, it’s almost like I wrote it myself? I also suffer with mental illness & it’s sad that at times they can be such a huge contributor to things like this, I hope soon you’ll be able to pursue your creative endeavors the way you want to โ™ก Thank you for your words xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • nataliesalchemy says:

        Yes! That’s how I felt when I read your post, and I felt so compelled to respond to it! It’s nice to be able to talk to someone about it and know that we aren’t alone in this. With lots of love.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. lauzieslifestyle says:

    This post really resonated with me. I had many toxic ‘friends’ in High-school. I went to college, with really only one true friend. We hung out all the time and everyone else was more of an acquaintance. She went to university and I went to full-time work. Again, university separated us and we are no longer friends.
    It can be tough when everyone is older. Eventually, you will work with people more your age and with people who think like you. I have never really had one strong friendship group. I have a selection of friends who are all different and this is purely from work. So sometimes work can give you friendship experiences that uni can’t. Thank you for sharing this post. I’m sure you will get there! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you for reading it! It’s comforting to know other people feel the same way even if it’s also a little sad. I truly do believe we’ll find our people someday and that what is meant to be ours will always come back to us. Thank you โ™กxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. teganlewiss says:

    I loooove this and love your blog โค I can definitely relate on the "what the heck am I doing" part. I feel like people who are creative and expressive are often the type of people who feel everything so intensely and that can be a blessing and a curse. x keep your head up gal, keep sharing and amazing and true friendships will find you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much lovely! โ™ก It’s always comforting to know you’re not the only one feeling a certain way but I agree, it definitely is a blessing and a curse! Though I like to think the bad outweighs the good, thank you for your lovely message โ™ก xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s