being honest for a moment

Hi loves,

I’m not going to try and sugar coat this, I’m going through a rough patch right now and depression is really kicking my ass, I want to be as open and honest with you guys as possible and so I thought I’d share with you some journal excerpts I’ve written over the past couple of days. It might help me to share them and it may help you to read them if you’re feeling something similar to what I am right now. I’m sorry this isn’t one of my usual happy posts, but the biggest thing I can offer you guys is my honesty, so here it is. I love you all very much.

– 07/09/17 –

At the end of the day, you are the only person you will ever have. Period.

I’ve read this sentence many times before, but have always found myself brushing it off as when the words filter through my brain, I get a sad feeling. Are people trying to tell me that no matter what happens, I will always be alone? That no matter who I love and connect with, eventually I will always end up by myself?

No.

It is only today that I have truly understood what that sentence means.

People in your life will come and go, some will stay for a short time, others will stay longer. You can be with someone every day for the rest of your life, but at the end of the day, it is you who is left alone with your thoughts. It does not matter how close I am with a person, how well I think someone knows me, when I lie in bed at night staring at the ceiling, the only person that is inside my head is me, and that is all it ever will be.

I am the only one that ever truly knows what’s happening inside my brain, the thoughts, feelings, emotions. When I panic and get hurt, it is me who picks myself up off the floor. When I drive by a place that holds bad memories and my stomach starts to tie itself in knots, I am the one who calms myself down. When a song comes on the radio and I instantly start to feel sick because it elicits feelings in me I’d rather not remember, I’m the one that changes the station and rolls down the windows so I can breathe.

My feelings are so very delicate, I am such a fragile person. I know how bad things get for me when things start to go downhill, my mind falls down an endless black hole that I can’t get out of and I am sad for days on end, I don’t eat or sleep, I am fragile and quiet and weak and I can’t get out of it. It’s like I’m stuck in a trance, a changed person. A shadow of who I used to be.

Because I’m aware of this, I do everything I can to help myself, because no one else will. I am the only person I have. All of these feelings and thoughts are going on inside my brain, and the only person that can hear them is me. The only person that has access to that place is me, and so it is my job to make things better. If I need to go on a walk in the middle of the night because I’m struggling to find the air I need to breathe, I will. If I need to drive for miles just to park up somewhere and stare out of the window for hours, I will. If I need to text somebody I haven’t spoken to in years because they’re the only person I know that can ease this feeling right now, I will.

I’m currently feeling this way as I write this post, and I’m currently planning my days around what I’m going to do.  So far in my life, I have never discovered anybody that cares about me as much as I care about them, I am always the one that cares more, loves more, dedicates more time. I am always the one checking my phone to find a blank screen with no notifications. I am always the one asking to make plans only to be told they can’t go ahead because someone is busy. I am always the one with the love, kindness, time, affection. Why is nobody else? Why am I the only one and why does no one else value me as much as I do them?

It is a sad realisation, but one that I have discovered lately. Even the people I trust most in the world don’t care for me as much as I thought, which means I guess I never really knew them at all.

The only person I have is myself, and right now this sadness is engulfing me and swallowing me whole as it has been for many weeks, so I am planning my free time around helping myself to ease the pain, because I have nothing else to be doing. No one to see and nowhere to be. I might go for a walk if the weather is nice, or I might sit in a coffee shop for a few hours and read. I might go journal shopping or even go to watch a film at the movies, I’ll probably take my dog for a walk and try and clear my head. I need to be outside because it feels like my lungs are getting so tight they can’t breathe.

I was thinking of asking my parents if I could go back into treatment, I know that no matter how many times I try to fool myself, I am not cured. I never will be if I don’t face things head on.

Temporary happiness does not cure this illness, and it is sad that it has taken me 19 years to fully accept this.

Maybe I am not okay, maybe there is something wrong there. Maybe I need to stop having a breakdown on Monday and pretending it was just a bad day on Tuesday. Maybe I need to stop lying to everyone I know and tell them that the truth is, they’re all bad days. I’ve just become a master at hiding it.

Maybe I need to go away somewhere and take care of myself, since nobody else will.

Maybe I need to say goodbye to everything that makes me feel this way.

But maybe then, I will have nothing left.

– 08/09/17 –

I wonder if anyone notices that I’m wasting away. Wilting into nothing like a flower that has been taken away from the sun. The bags under my eyes purple and blue like someone has slipped a thunderstorm in there, my skin slowly fading to grey, like the storm clouds in my mind have now managed to find their way under my skin. My eyes glazed and vacant like tinted windows where I can see out but you can’t see in, everything transparent as if I’m looking straight through you like glass. Is there anyone there? I wonder if anyone notices my jagged sighs, getting louder and more frequent as the days go by, I wonder if anyone notices the catch in my throat as I try to inhale and exhale but can’t because my lungs feel as though they’re being squeezed and suffocated. I wonder if anyone notices my voice, now barely a whisper as I struggle to manage a smile or a simple ‘good morning’, my voice barely even audible as it takes too much energy to project it loud enough for people to hear.

I wonder if anyone notices that my clothes no longer fit me, they hang off me and slide down my shoulders like a skeleton wearing a costume, I haven’t eaten for 14 days because my stomach is a knot and I am constantly filled with a sickness I cannot get rid of.  I wonder if anyone notices I have lost my appetite for not only food, but for life itself.

I wonder how long it will take for someone to notice that I am fading right before their very eyes and drowning in a sea of fear I can’t save myself from.

I wonder if anyone notices, I wonder how long it will take for me to disappear.