a little note about self love

If something doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it. Through the self love journey I’ve been on over the past few years, I am now at a new stage where I realise that I have to do whatever it takes for me to be happy (obviously without compromising anyone else of course). I touched upon it in this post where I said that the only person who can save me, is me – “When I panic and get hurt, it is me who picks myself up off the floor. When I drive by a place that holds bad memories and my stomach starts to tie itself in knots, I am the one that calms myself down. When a song comes on the radio and I instantly start to feel sick because it elicits feelings in me I’d rather not remember, I’m the one that changes the station and rolls down the windows so I can breathe.”

I have always been aware of the fact that no matter how hard I try, other things don’t solve my problems and get rid of my sadness, though that hasn’t stopped me from trying. I’m always endlessly trying to find something, anything that will ease the pain and cure whatever it is I’m feeling. It never works, because it is a process that has to happen deep down inside me and sometimes, I don’t even notice – I just wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt anymore, or that song comes on the radio and I’m able to get through the whole thing without changing the station. Hell, I might even turn the volume up.

Now that I’ve fully accepted and realised that the only way for me to be free from things is to do whatever I need in order to be okay, I am doing everything I can to embrace it. Other people and things can’t free me from the emotions and sadness of my own mind; it is a change that must happen within me so that I’m no longer affected by it. After the realisation (which was such a long time coming I can’t even tell you), I am now making sure that whatever the weather, I must make sure I’m happy – this includes not worrying about what other people think because I’ve finally realised that giving myself what I need is the most important thing for me now, and I have deprived myself of it for so long.

A complicated example referring to not caring about what other people think, is asking questions. I’m going to try and explain this as best as I can, so bare with me. In the past I’ve been seeing / speaking to guys where I basically didn’t really have any idea of what was going on, they’d be hot and cold or one minute they’d act like we were in a relationship and the next, they barely spoke to me for days. Usually, I would just leave it and not say anything, yes it was affecting me but I didn’t want to ask outright what was going on, that would look too needy, too desperate, right? I didn’t want them to know it was bothering me; I didn’t want them to know that I was the one who cared more.

Screw. That.

After this new realisation, I am absolutely not afraid to be upfront and ask what’s going on here – how do you actually feel? What is this to you? Does this mean you’re not bothered? I no longer care if I look needy, desperate, too full on etc. because I’m doing it for my own peace of mind – for my own happiness. Why am I going to sit here racking my brains and playing games with you when it makes me sad and angry? Why am I going to let you have that affect on me and make me unhappy, when I can just straight up ask you and move on with my life? Whatever I want now, I’m letting myself have it, and I don’t mean I’m being selfish or arrogant, I mean that I’m finally putting myself first for once. In my whole 19 years of life I’ve always allowed other people’s feelings to be more important than my own, I would compromise my own happiness for the sake of other’s and in turn end up lonely and miserable because of it. Well, no more.

If I want a takeaway on a Friday night, I’m going to go out and get one. If I need to go for a drive and blast Taylor Swift as loud as I can, I’m going to grab my car keys. If I need to stay in bed all day on Sunday, I’m going to turn my alarm off. If I need to ask an immature boy where I stand with him, I’m damn well going to do it.

If it doesn’t make me happy, I’m not doing it. Even though this post was the saddest one I’ve ever written on this blog, and probably one of the saddest I’ve written at all lately, I’m grateful I did because it’s now made me realise so many things about myself, about the way I pick myself up and look after myself because no one else will, they can’t make it better, so it’s up to me.

I’m on a journey to becoming my own best friend, but this time I’m actually doing it and not just telling myself that it’ll happen at some point. Every day I’m making a conscious effort to look after myself and give myself what I need, even silly things like the fact that I got home from work the other day and was supposed to be going out but I wanted a shower and didn’t have time, but I knew that doing it would make me feel better as I felt really anxious. Normally, I’d just go out and have a shower afterwards but this time I didn’t, I had the shower I wanted and I stayed in there for ages just thinking about stuff, metaphorically cleansing myself. It sounds weird, but when I start to feel the wave of sadness / anxiety etc. coming over me, I stand in the mirror and say out loud to myself “Chloe, what do you need to do in order to feel better”, and I do it. I used to binge eat a lot as part of my disordered eating but now, if I want to treat myself to something then I will, but I don’t overeat anymore because now I understand that it’s not going to help me. If I want a takeaway I’ll get one, but I won’t continue to binge afterwards because I know it’s not good for me, and I’m only doing it because I’m sad.

“No one is you and that is your power.” – I love being an individual, I love listening to music that other people probably wouldn’t find cool, I love blasting songs in the car and singing at the top of my lungs with people watching me through the windows thinking I’m crazy. I love sitting in my car on my lunch breaks at work reading Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf – how many other 19 year olds do you know that have a stash of Oscar Wilde and Jane Austen books in their glove box? I love writing, I love falling asleep at night watching the moon and the stars, I love romanticising, I love wearing tons of jewellery and spending my free time watching documentaries about the world we live in. I love who I have turned out to become, because she is everything I have always wanted to be. Yes I would like to be a little more confident and not worry about my physical appearance as much, but it is an ongoing process and something I am working on every day. I know that I am full of love and kindness and passion and freedom and that alone makes me more beautiful than any physical feature I could have.

You will always be too much for at least one person. You know that quote – you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches? Yeah, remember that. You’ll always be too loud, too vibrant, too excited, too sad, too happy, too feminine, too you for someone, but don’t ever let that silence you. Never allow yourself to become less for someone, be loud, be feminine, be vibrant, be you – you’re always going to be too much for some people and not enough for others, but rest assured that you can promise you will always be enough for yourself.

This whole realisation was sparked in me because I was being messed around by a guy recently and I was letting it affect me way too much. I’m one of those people that feels everything way too deeply, I either feel so full of emotion I could drown it or I feel nothing at all, there is no in between for me. Due to the way I was treated by a guy when I was 16, I haven’t been involved with anyone else since because it affected me so badly, I’m nearly 20 now and this is the first time I’ve let someone else in and it basically just made me crazy. Mentally I couldn’t handle it and it was making me ill, this wasn’t the guy’s fault necessarily, but I’m just not very stable with my emotions and after nearly 4 years of nothingness, the floodgates opened and I became overwhelmed and wild. I was scared, sad, frightened, fragile, damaged, not sleeping, not eating, I was walking around like a zombie in a trance with blue rings under my eyes because the emotions were draining the life out of me, and it got so bad to the point where I just woke up one morning and thought, no more. I am not going to let myself go through this again. It reminded me of when I was 16, how fragile, broken, damaged and scared I was back then. When I think back to 16 year old Chloe I want to fiercely hug her and tell her that everything’s going to be okay, yet here I was turning back into that fragile young girl right before my very eyes. It sparked a fire within me, like 19 year old Chloe was now jumping in front of my 16 year old self to shield her from all the pain and hurt she was experiencing. I couldn’t save myself last time, and I wasn’t going to let that happen again.

I am worthy and I am beautiful. If I need to go to the store to buy milk and I want to curl my hair, wear 20 rings and that new jacket I bought the other day, I’m going to do it. I’m going to take myself shopping and look after my skin and get enough sleep and read more books and write as much as I can and get more tattoos and just be 100% myself, because that is the best thing I could offer you. This is everything that I am, and if you don’t like it I don’t care, because I do.

Here’s to being the girl of my own dreams and not being afraid to say it, I am a masterpiece being created every day, I am a blooming flower that will never stop growing and I am bright enough to fill a whole garden.

“Flowers grow back after they’ve been stepped on and so will I.”

All the love from the girl of my own dreams,

Chloe .xx

54 thoughts on “a little note about self love

  1. writtenbyroxy says:

    I live for your posts, you are just so real with everything you write and everyone appreciates it so much. I really love the point you made about how we’re always bound being too much for someone, but not lessening ourselves to reach their levels. It reminds me of this one metaphor I heard about a while ago which stated something along the lines of how we have all these jewels on our crowns, and we shouldn’t strip ourselves of our gems just so someone can fit them all in their hands. Instead, we must wait for those who have big enough hands to hold each and every single one of our jewels. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Ooooh my goodness you are an angel, thank you so so so much. I’ve never actually heard that quote before which I’m surprised about because wow, what a set of words! I think that sums it up perfectly. We should never lessen ourselves for others, it’s something I’ve always believed in yet have never actually followed myself, and now I think it’s time to take a stand and actually practice what I preach. Thank you so much for your words lovely 💙 They mean such a lot .xx

      Like

  2. Isabel Murgelas says:

    Hey beautiful girl xx

    I just found your blog & I can’t tell you how happy I am that I did. As a fellow writer and dreamer, I love love love connecting with others and I resonate so deeply with your words. You’re magic, keep being you. Only love 🌸✨

    Liked by 1 person

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    Wow beautiful written! I can relate to. I’m now 24 and had a relationship from 17 till 19. When my first love broke up with me I was doing really bad and just going out with any boy to escape the pain. I learned that we have to sit with the pain and feel it. If you need to cry, then cry. Releasing our emotions out of our body is do important. And most of all like you said, only do things that makes us happy and not tear us down.

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Wowiee, thank you so much!! I’m the same in the sense that I would use other things to distract from the pain rather than actually sitting down and helping myself to get over it, you have to cry and you have to grieve for however long you need, you can’t suppress it which is something I always tried to do, because facing it was too much to handle. Thank you for your words .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. brencation says:

    THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Omg! You’ve expressed the words I’ve been wanting to say for so long but didn’t know how! I actually teared up a bit on how beautifully written this was! :’) I feel so proud of you :’)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lauzieslifestyle says:

    It amazed me when reading, how much I could relate too. Firstly, I am the same with emotions. I am very sensitive and when I feel something – I go all in, or I don’t feel anything and secondly, I have had a guy break my heart recently with his on and off behavior.
    The old me would have been so worried about looking desperate or needy, so I would have just moved on. This time I was very upfront and did not worry about looking a certain way. I try to live my life doing exactly what I want (of course without trying to hurt anybody) and not ever waking up with regret – probably my biggest fear.
    It took me 25 years to get to this stage and it shows a huge level of wisdom and insight in the fact that you have reached it at 19. I think you are very inspirational and are heading in the right direction. Too many people change themselves or try to adapt for somebody. We have to be ourselves and not be afraid of being disliked. Thank you for such an incredible post! xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much!! Honestly with what you’ve said, I couldn’t have put it better myself. Too many people change themselves for others and I’ve been subject to that for way too long, it’s time I practiced what I preached and accepted the fact that I am who I am, I don’t need to change that for anyone and someday, someone is going to love me for every single piece of it. I have to realise that my happiness comes first, I shouldn’t compromise it for some guy who couldn’t care less. I need to stop worrying so much. Thank you for your amazing words and for reading my thoughts, I appreciate it so much ❤️xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. whatismaria says:

    Chloe this is so beautifully written I can’t even express my awe! You always manage to articulate your feelings and your thoughts so coherently, and they really resonate with me. I struggle with doing what makes me happy not only because of how it may be perceived by other people, but because I think along the lines of ‘is this leading to ‘self improvement’? Is this adding value to society? Is this worthwhile’, instead of just pursuing whatever I am passionate about. Thank you so much for this beautiful post and reminding women out there to love themselves as they are, prioritise their happiness and enjoy the life they’ve been given ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Ooooooh my goodness you are an angel, thank you so much!! You have no idea how much I appreciate your words, I’m so glad that my own can resonate with you in some way, because that’s exactly the reason I do this. I’ve been telling myself so much lately that I need to just calm down and stop taking everything so seriously – put myself first and do what makes me happy, with a little practice I can get there. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts ❤❤ All my love to you .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. rachelle says:

    Chloe you never fail to leave me breathless with your words. I’m consistently taken aback by how similarly we feel things and process things. This may sound weird coming from a virtual stranger but I’m so proud of you for falling in love with yourself, for being unapologetic. Too often I see myself and other powerful women whittling ourselves down into nothingness to make others comfortable, and it’s so amazing that you’re deconstructing that habit, that you’re happy with who you are, that you’re not letting anyone mess you around. I too had a terrible relationship at 16, and spent a lot of time in solitude. And when I finally felt brave enough to put myself out there it all went awry, so I’m sorry you went through that, I’m all too familiar with the complete and total ache that transpires as a result. But it’s incredible to watch you grow. I’m so grateful to have found your blog, I’m so grateful that you share your journey. Keep thriving you luminescent beam of light ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      This was the first thing I read this morning and wow thank you so, so much. None of you guys are strangers to me, you’re more like super close friends that I trust with my thoughts so I am equally as proud of you for embarking on this journey to realise we’re all worthy, beautiful and powerful women. Too often I write things about self love / confidence but don’t believe or follow them myself, and now it’s time to start practicing what I preach. I’m exactly the same in that after the first ‘relationship’ at 16, the first time I’ve actually been brave enough to put myself out there again in the few years since, everything has turned awful and I feel like I’m back at square one, though I’m not letting myself go back there this time. I’m so sorry you had to go through it too, because it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – the heartache is too much to bare. Your words and comments are the things that keep me going so thank you so much for taking the time to read and be so wonderful ❤ I appreciate it so much. All my love to you .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This is Kat. says:

    I absolutely love that you have written about this, and it really faces realities. I for one understand entirely about feelings and not always being happy. And as someone who is also trying to get better with this, I found your post so helpful. I for one am definitely up for buying a take away because I want one, and definitely for blasting Taylor! And yes, you are worthy and beautiful girl! This is such an important post! x

    Liked by 1 person

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