If something doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it. Through the self love journey I’ve been on over the past few years, I am now at a new stage where I realise that I have to do whatever it takes for me to be happy (obviously without compromising anyone else of course). I touched upon it in this post where I said that the only person who can save me, is me – “When I panic and get hurt, it is me who picks myself up off the floor. When I drive by a place that holds bad memories and my stomach starts to tie itself in knots, I am the one that calms myself down. When a song comes on the radio and I instantly start to feel sick because it elicits feelings in me I’d rather not remember, I’m the one that changes the station and rolls down the windows so I can breathe.”
I have always been aware of the fact that no matter how hard I try, other things don’t solve my problems and get rid of my sadness, though that hasn’t stopped me from trying. I’m always endlessly trying to find something, anything that will ease the pain and cure whatever it is I’m feeling. It never works, because it is a process that has to happen deep down inside me and sometimes, I don’t even notice – I just wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt anymore, or that song comes on the radio and I’m able to get through the whole thing without changing the station. Hell, I might even turn the volume up.
Now that I’ve fully accepted and realised that the only way for me to be free from things is to do whatever I need in order to be okay, I am doing everything I can to embrace it. Other people and things can’t free me from the emotions and sadness of my own mind; it is a change that must happen within me so that I’m no longer affected by it. After the realisation (which was such a long time coming I can’t even tell you), I am now making sure that whatever the weather, I must make sure I’m happy – this includes not worrying about what other people think because I’ve finally realised that giving myself what I need is the most important thing for me now, and I have deprived myself of it for so long.
A complicated example referring to not caring about what other people think, is asking questions. I’m going to try and explain this as best as I can, so bare with me. In the past I’ve been seeing / speaking to guys where I basically didn’t really have any idea of what was going on, they’d be hot and cold or one minute they’d act like we were in a relationship and the next, they barely spoke to me for days. Usually, I would just leave it and not say anything, yes it was affecting me but I didn’t want to ask outright what was going on, that would look too needy, too desperate, right? I didn’t want them to know it was bothering me; I didn’t want them to know that I was the one who cared more.
After this new realisation, I am absolutely not afraid to be upfront and ask what’s going on here – how do you actually feel? What is this to you? Does this mean you’re not bothered? I no longer care if I look needy, desperate, too full on etc. because I’m doing it for my own peace of mind – for my own happiness. Why am I going to sit here racking my brains and playing games with you when it makes me sad and angry? Why am I going to let you have that affect on me and make me unhappy, when I can just straight up ask you and move on with my life? Whatever I want now, I’m letting myself have it, and I don’t mean I’m being selfish or arrogant, I mean that I’m finally putting myself first for once. In my whole 19 years of life I’ve always allowed other people’s feelings to be more important than my own, I would compromise my own happiness for the sake of other’s and in turn end up lonely and miserable because of it. Well, no more.
If I want a takeaway on a Friday night, I’m going to go out and get one. If I need to go for a drive and blast Taylor Swift as loud as I can, I’m going to grab my car keys. If I need to stay in bed all day on Sunday, I’m going to turn my alarm off. If I need to ask an immature boy where I stand with him, I’m damn well going to do it.
If it doesn’t make me happy, I’m not doing it. Even though this post was the saddest one I’ve ever written on this blog, and probably one of the saddest I’ve written at all lately, I’m grateful I did because it’s now made me realise so many things about myself, about the way I pick myself up and look after myself because no one else will, they can’t make it better, so it’s up to me.
I’m on a journey to becoming my own best friend, but this time I’m actually doing it and not just telling myself that it’ll happen at some point. Every day I’m making a conscious effort to look after myself and give myself what I need, even silly things like the fact that I got home from work the other day and was supposed to be going out but I wanted a shower and didn’t have time, but I knew that doing it would make me feel better as I felt really anxious. Normally, I’d just go out and have a shower afterwards but this time I didn’t, I had the shower I wanted and I stayed in there for ages just thinking about stuff, metaphorically cleansing myself. It sounds weird, but when I start to feel the wave of sadness / anxiety etc. coming over me, I stand in the mirror and say out loud to myself “Chloe, what do you need to do in order to feel better”, and I do it. I used to binge eat a lot as part of my disordered eating but now, if I want to treat myself to something then I will, but I don’t overeat anymore because now I understand that it’s not going to help me. If I want a takeaway I’ll get one, but I won’t continue to binge afterwards because I know it’s not good for me, and I’m only doing it because I’m sad.
“No one is you and that is your power.” – I love being an individual, I love listening to music that other people probably wouldn’t find cool, I love blasting songs in the car and singing at the top of my lungs with people watching me through the windows thinking I’m crazy. I love sitting in my car on my lunch breaks at work reading Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf – how many other 19 year olds do you know that have a stash of Oscar Wilde and Jane Austen books in their glove box? I love writing, I love falling asleep at night watching the moon and the stars, I love romanticising, I love wearing tons of jewellery and spending my free time watching documentaries about the world we live in. I love who I have turned out to become, because she is everything I have always wanted to be. Yes I would like to be a little more confident and not worry about my physical appearance as much, but it is an ongoing process and something I am working on every day. I know that I am full of love and kindness and passion and freedom and that alone makes me more beautiful than any physical feature I could have.
You will always be too much for at least one person. You know that quote – you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches? Yeah, remember that. You’ll always be too loud, too vibrant, too excited, too sad, too happy, too feminine, too you for someone, but don’t ever let that silence you. Never allow yourself to become less for someone, be loud, be feminine, be vibrant, be you – you’re always going to be too much for some people and not enough for others, but rest assured that you can promise you will always be enough for yourself.
This whole realisation was sparked in me because I was being messed around by a guy recently and I was letting it affect me way too much. I’m one of those people that feels everything way too deeply, I either feel so full of emotion I could drown it or I feel nothing at all, there is no in between for me. Due to the way I was treated by a guy when I was 16, I haven’t been involved with anyone else since because it affected me so badly, I’m nearly 20 now and this is the first time I’ve let someone else in and it basically just made me crazy. Mentally I couldn’t handle it and it was making me ill, this wasn’t the guy’s fault necessarily, but I’m just not very stable with my emotions and after nearly 4 years of nothingness, the floodgates opened and I became overwhelmed and wild. I was scared, sad, frightened, fragile, damaged, not sleeping, not eating, I was walking around like a zombie in a trance with blue rings under my eyes because the emotions were draining the life out of me, and it got so bad to the point where I just woke up one morning and thought, no more. I am not going to let myself go through this again. It reminded me of when I was 16, how fragile, broken, damaged and scared I was back then. When I think back to 16 year old Chloe I want to fiercely hug her and tell her that everything’s going to be okay, yet here I was turning back into that fragile young girl right before my very eyes. It sparked a fire within me, like 19 year old Chloe was now jumping in front of my 16 year old self to shield her from all the pain and hurt she was experiencing. I couldn’t save myself last time, and I wasn’t going to let that happen again.
I am worthy and I am beautiful. If I need to go to the store to buy milk and I want to curl my hair, wear 20 rings and that new jacket I bought the other day, I’m going to do it. I’m going to take myself shopping and look after my skin and get enough sleep and read more books and write as much as I can and get more tattoos and just be 100% myself, because that is the best thing I could offer you. This is everything that I am, and if you don’t like it I don’t care, because I do.
Here’s to being the girl of my own dreams and not being afraid to say it, I am a masterpiece being created every day, I am a blooming flower that will never stop growing and I am bright enough to fill a whole garden.
“Flowers grow back after they’ve been stepped on and so will I.”
All the love from the girl of my own dreams,