One thing I love about this blog is that it gives me the opportunity to be myself and to share my writing – my thoughts and feelings, with the world. It’s really taught me to embrace myself because people read my posts and comment such wonderful things on them saying how they can relate and how they’re so happy I shared something or how they thought they were the only one feeling a certain way, but now they realise they’re not alone. Those words mean more to me than I could ever explain, because all I ever used to think was the exact same thing – that these thoughts and feelings I had were ones that only I experienced, because I couldn’t find anything or anyone else to relate to. Now that I share my words with other people, I’m so encouraged by the fact that you guys feel comfortable enough to tell me you feel the same, because it really spurs me on to continue sharing things that I’d otherwise keep to myself.
It’s made me realise that it’s okay if others don’t write about people like me, because I write about people like me. It’s okay if others don’t write about people like you – the lovely little angels commenting on my blog posts telling me you don’t feel so alone anymore, because I write about people like you. I’ll write about people like you until my arm falls off so that you’re comforted by the fact that you know you’re not alone. There’s a quote that all of this reminds me of, and it’s this –
“Happiness is stable, boring, and keeps you alive. My soul seeks excitement, passion and pain. I know I’m not the girl people write about, and it’s okay, because I write about people like me.” – Hedonist Poet
You know the phrase that says “be the change you want to see in the world”, I think about that a lot now in the sense that maybe people don’t write about girls like me but that’s okay, because I’m going to write about girls like me. It doesn’t matter if I never meet another girl like me, because I’m already existing as a girl like me. Does that make sense? Sometimes the things in my head don’t sound as coherent when I try and get them down on paper. What I mean is that I don’t need to do what everyone else is doing – if David Bowie, Boy George, Prince etc. never broke the mould and did things other people didn’t necessarily agree with, who would we have to look up to? I feel like that now, in the sense that if I don’t say the things I want to say and act the way I want to act, who are people going to look up to? I don’t mean that I’m a role model / inspiration etc. but that’s the only context I can really describe it in. Get what I mean though? I’m so inspired by all of the incredible, fearless people I come across on the internet and in real life – they’ve inspired me to be who I am, they’ve inspired me to wear the outfit I was scared others would judge me for, they’ve inspired me to stop covering up my body in the fear that other people would hate what they saw. If those people hadn’t broken the mould and done those things, who would I have to look up to? Who would have inspired me, encouraged me…pushed me to do those things? To be who I really am and to let me know that it’s okay and there’s nothing wrong with it?
That’s the way I feel about things now. I have such a big heart – my emotions overwhelm me on a daily basis, my thoughts are so vast and I romanticise everything and I over think everything and end up writing until my arm aches but you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay that I’d rather spend £50 on books than makeup, it’s okay that I like going out with my friends but I probably like being by myself more, it’s okay that one day I want to wear all black clothing and the next I want to dress like I’m in a fairytale.
It doesn’t make me better than anyone else – I’m very aware of the fact that recently when people have been embracing themselves it’s been misinterpreted / can come across as being pretentions because it looks like people think they’re better than others if they don’t like partying or don’t wear makeup on a daily basis etc. That’s absolutely not what I’m saying, because everyone is equal and everyone deserves love and acceptance, what I am saying however is that it’s okay for me (and you) to not want to do what everyone else is doing, or to love things that maybe society doesn’t class as cool / popular. My brother is 14 and the one thing I always tell him is that popularity is a social construct, it doesn’t exist – it’s intangible and holds no worth. If I don’t embrace the dreamer that I am, if I don’t write the things I want to write…how are other people going to join the movement, or realise that it’s okay to do it? I need to break out of the mould, I need to be a lion, not a sheep.
Writing is the thing I was born to do in this world, whether it’s for an audience or not, it’s what I was put here for. I am a writer. I’ve always been scared to say it because I thought people would find it funny – “A writer? How many books have you sold?”, “How many magazines have you been published in?”, “Are you getting paid for that then?”, “Is that your career?”, “Writing in a journal no one reads doesn’t make you a writer”. Well, fuck you. Yes it does. I am a writer, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I might not be a popular one, I might not get paid for it or make a career out of it, but that doesn’t matter because that’s not what I do it for. I do it because it’s who I am – “I must write, or I shall die of grief”. If I didn’t write, my heart would explode and I would be suffocating the person I truly am. End of. Next topic.
You are exactly what you say you are, never let anyone put you in a box or label you as something you are not. You are whatever you want to be. Whilst writing this, these quotes have popped into my head –
“Your ego will do everything it can to stop you from changing and growing, especially since you’re attempting to obliterate the very identity that you and everyone else has come to know as ‘you’.” – Jen Sincero, You are a Badass
“Sometimes people think they know you. They know a few facts about you, and they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them. And if you don’t know yourself very well, you might even believe that they are right. But the truth is, that isn’t you. That isn’t you at all.” – Leila Sales, This Song Will Save Your Life
My best friend went to university and she stayed up one night chatting to me about the fact that she’d always been the ‘Mum’ of any friendship group, she’d always been the person looking after everyone else. Now that she was at uni, she’d basically let her hair down and turned into a bit of a party girl and everyone who knew her was freaking out because they didn’t agree with it, to cut a long story short. I told her that they should mind their own business and she could do whatever the hell she wanted, I told her don’t you dare let them confine you to the box they put you in.
Like Leila Sales says, people will label you and put you in a box because it’s easier for them that way. When you change, they don’t like it because then they don’t know where to put you – you confuse them. People put you in a box for their own benefit so that they can perceive you in a way that makes sense to them; it really is as simple as that. So go on, mess with their heads a bit.
Through this blog (and you guys) I’ve realised that I need to be the girl I wanted to read about when I was 16, I need to say the things I’d wanted to hear when my heart was broken and still to this day, I need to write the things that I need to read when I’m not feeling so good about myself, or life in general.
Like I said, I need to be the change I want to see – I need to be that person, not only for myself but for others as well. If I don’t start, how can I expect other people to? At times I do go back and read old things that I’ve written because they’re exactly the things I’ve needed to hear, even though it’s only self reassurance because it’s what I’ve written myself, it doesn’t feel that way when I do actually read it, it feels like I’m taking advice from an old friend. I am my own best friend and I want to be everyone else’s too.
I feel like this post was very long, but I have a lot of words and feelings that I need to share and obviously, this is my place to do that. If you’ve read this far then thank you, I appreciate it more than you know and I hope I could offer you a little something with these words.
“Be the person you needed when you were younger.”
All the love in the universe,