you can’t make someone love you

Throughout life, I’ve learned the hard way that you can try (and maybe even succeed) at changing many things, but you can never change the way someone feels. You cannot control someone’s feelings – their free will to do whatever they want, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t.

I’ve met people before who I’d really wanted to love me, and so I’d change myself. I’d mould myself into something that was easier for them to love, I’d become quieter, more feminine, longer hair, more makeup, different clothes, or I’d be louder, more confident, more playful. I’d analyse everything I was going to say before I’d say it, just to make sure that it was right thing, something that would make me easier to love, something that was easier for them to get on with. You name it.

I know how it sounds and how ridiculous it is, I know it’s wrong, but when I’m in the moment with someone it’s just so easy for me to be different and so therefore, I am. I know it means they’re not seeing a true version of me, I wouldn’t say they were seeing a fake one but more of a reserved one  – a more sheltered version, I quieten down certain parts of my personality and get louder with others, but it’s always a conscious effort that I make, I always think about it first, it’s never natural. I always change myself depending on who I’m with, I’ve always been so jealous of people that seem to just have one true identity and are themselves throughout all situations with all types of people. I don’t know who I am fully yet, so I’m easy to mould.

Every time I meet someone and it doesn’t work out, whether that’s platonically or romantically, I’m always left with the question of “what if?” (this is a running theme in most parts of my life as you guys have probably noticed). Questions race through my head – What if I had been different? What if I had been quieter? What if I had worn a different outfit? What if I hadn’t double texted? What if I had been thinner – what if I’d lost that 10 pounds before I met them? Stupid things that I know sound stupid because I’m wanting to slap myself as I even type them, but it’s true, and I’m sure I’m not alone in it. If we wanted things to work out and they didn’t, I’m sure a lot of us always wonder what we could have done differently – how we could have changed to make things better.

I know in my head that I should never compromise myself for anybody, I should never try and make myself ‘easy’ to love, if that’s the case then they’re not the right person for me – if you love someone then you love all of them, and the stupid questions I ask myself e.g. “was it because I double texted?” wouldn’t alter anyone’s love towards me, it would never make them love me any less or put them off me, yet I still just can’t accept it. I’d never force anything – if something doesn’t work out then I leave it alone, but inside my brain it’s a completely different story like I said, an endless amount of questions are whirling around my head that won’t go away. When you want something to work with someone so badly, it’s hard to tell yourself to stop and to let it go, or for me it is anyway. I know all of the facts in my head, I know it’s wrong and I should move on and stop trying yet my heart just won’t accept it. My head will but my heart won’t, I’m constantly fighting a losing battle.

Through all of the self love and events that have been happening in my life lately, I have realised so, so many things. Finally, I think my heart has accepted what my head already knew, and it’s enabled me to let a lot of things go.  I accepted fully that I couldn’t make someone love me if they didn’t, I couldn’t change to make myself ‘easier to love’…you know when you can feel somebody drifting away from you and so you change yourself in any way that you can so they come back. I realised that it didn’t matter whether I was 10 pounds lighter or 10 pounds heavier when I met him, he would’ve never loved me either way. I can’t control somebody’s feelings; I can’t make someone love me if they don’t.

Then I think about what it’s doing to me – again, I’m still at the stage where my head knows it but my heart won’t accept it, but why would I ever want to compromise myself for someone else? I’m worthy of being loved exactly the way that I am and someday, someone is going to love every single piece of me. There’s no reason why they couldn’t. Am I really wanting to be with someone who I have to compromise myself for, someone who doesn’t 100% love me for who I am – someone who is clearly not the right person for me? I want to shake myself sometimes; I really wish someone would knock some sense into me. My head knows what’s right and what’s wrong yet my heart just can’t accept it and so I’m willing to overthink, drive myself crazy and end up hurting myself over it. It’s ridiculous and I wish I could just take my own advice, but my heart finds it so hard to let go even though it’s the right thing to do.

I hope now though that this is the last time I’ll experience this, the feeling of “what if I’d done this” or “what if I’d changed this”. No more, my heart is tired now. I sat in front of the mirror the other day, looked at myself and said “Chlo, he was never going to love you whether you were 90 pounds or 900 pounds, long hair or short hair. There’s nothing you could’ve done, and that’s okay.” And it is okay, because they weren’t the right person for me. My soul mate is out there somewhere and one day I’ll meet them but until then,  I’m not going to keep trying to make things work with the wrong people, I’m not going to change myself for others. They knew what they were getting into when they met me, so why halfway down the line do I always feel the need to change?

I hope this all made sense loves, my head is very rambly at the minute so I hope I managed to explain this the way I wanted to. Before I go, here’s a (poetic version) of a text I would’ve sent to someone that made me feel this way if I thought they deserved my words, which they don’t. So I’m going to write it here instead.

“It’s okay that you don’t love me, it’s okay that you don’t want me or need me. It’s okay that you changed your mind and realised this isn’t what you wanted anymore. It’s okay that I’m not the right person for you. What’s not okay is for you to still try and make me believe that I was, even though I could so clearly see the truth. I gave you so many chances to be honest and talk to me, yet you passed up every one of them, and for what reason? So you still had a back up. You didn’t need me to stay but you didn’t want me to leave either, I was your safety blanket and we both knew it, yet you still continued to pretend it wasn’t the truth. It’s okay that you don’t love me, but it’s not okay for you to drag me along through the dirt with you and to drop me when you’re done. I will always be the girl who ends things before they end her, and you are no exception.  I’m the one who leaves before she gets left, and you know that all too well. Have fun trying to burn the bridges, I’m sorry that all you’re going to find is smoke and ashes in the places I’ve already destroyed, before you had the chance to.”

All my love,

Chloe .xx

37 thoughts on “you can’t make someone love you

  1. thevisualdiaryofabs says:

    There have been countless occasions I have felt exactly like this. Constantly questioning what I did wrong, putting it down to my appearance and even going as far as constantly buying gifts for one person because I wanted them to love me so bad. You’re completely right in saying doing all of these things are so completely pointless because if they loved you, none of those things would matter. I’ve found someone who loves me for exactly who I am and there is no better feeling, so hold out for that perfect person because they’re out there!xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      I’m sorry you had to go through that lovely, I wish so many people couldn’t relate to this! I’m so glad you’ve found someone now that loves you for exactly who you are, I agree – they’ll come into our lives at the right time when we need them! 💞 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. NewsFlash says:

    I love it, and I know exactly how you feel. I’m kinda not really that old like only just a teen but it’s weird to admit that I have fell in love with a boy. And I thought he loved me – he even said it first. But honestly, I’m still brokenhearted over him. Even though I ended it. Xoxoxo p.s I’m sure you will find the right guy someday; we all will

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      I hate the idea that people think you need to be a certain age in order to know what love is – love is whatever you define it to be and it doesn’t matter and what age you first experience it! We’ll find our people someday lovely .xx

      Like

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    Wow such a beautiful written post! ❤ I experienced the same. One example for me is that I used to change my dancing style when I was going out just to show to the boys that I can dance well and sexy and its just so stupid. I don't do it anymore. I don't wanna change for anybody. Sometimes my heart also made stupid choices going out with bad boys even though my mind knows it ain't good for me. I learnt from it and I'm much better now in making the right choices. Your poem is also soooo beautiful ❤ Thank you for this post. One day we will find our soulmate until then we should love ourselves ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much lovely, though I’m sorry you can relate! At least you’re at a point now where you can see what you were doing and that it was absolutely not the right thing because you should never have to feel the need to change yourself for anybody, because you’re wonderful just the way you are. Sometimes I think you have to make the mistakes in the first place in order to learn from them, just remember it’s all one big learning curves. Thank you for reading 💞xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sarah says:

    This is beautiful! It’s so hard to see it when you’re in the relationship, but it seems like you’ve observed the draining emotional effort this relationship took on you, even though there was true love there at one point . You deserve so much more than to hold on to someone who puts no effort, loyalty or honesty towards you. Seriously OBSESSED with this post, just so relatable and such an eye-opener!

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      For me it’s always when I come out of something that I realise what was actually going on, but it’s good because it allows me to reflect on it properly and see it for what it really was. Thank you so much for your lovely words and for reading my thoughts! xxx

      Like

  5. Amielle says:

    Aww, Chloe. Indeed it’s true that you cannot force love. I hope that someday you find the kind of love that would not make you think of what ifs; the kind of love you truly deserve. And I know it’ll happen. Someday, someone will make you feel that love is good. Hope you feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ann says:

    Oh, it’s FANTASTIC!!! ✨
    Everything is true and really helpful! This post has made my evening! It’s great!
    I’m really, really amorous. I’ve been in love many, many times but only once my feelings were requited… And I always ask myself loads of questions “What if…?” I usually feel remorse about doing or NOT doing something and it sometimes really hurts. I feel bad then. I also chew on myself – Why don’t I have a boyfriend?? Should I change something? Or should I accept myself? Why doesn’t HE note me?? Why am I so stupid to become infatuated with somebody who doesn’t love me?
    Your post really helped me!! As you have written – we can’t make somebody love you. And it’s true… maybe it’s painful but it’s true.
    Sometimes we should focus on ourselves, care ourselves and be a bit egoistic – we would’t have a broken heart as often as we usually have.
    And always stay positive! Nobody should upset us, or even if somebody do this, don’t care about it! We must be happy!
    Our true love is waiting somewhere for us…
    Good night! 🌌❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Oh thank you so much! This means such a lot you have no idea, and I agree, it is painful but true – you can’t make somebody love you, therefore I don’t believe we should ever try to change ourselves for someone else because for them, it will just never be enough. We need to learn to love ourselves and be confident in who we are, so that when someone does come along and wants to try and change us, we’re strong enough to say no. Thank you for your lovely words as always, and thank you so much for reading 💞xx

      Like

  7. shewrites170 says:

    Wonderful post!!
    I too have thought at times that maybe if I were slimmer, prettier, more bold and more of a catch than someone would have tried to put a stronger fight to make me stay, but as they say if it’s meant to be, it will be ( I love that song). There’s a dialogue by Julia Roberts in Eat, pray love that if you are making love to a man and you think your weight might make you unattractive then you are wrong. The guy got a lady to make love to he must be outright crazy to not value it enough. ( don’t remember the exact words but this was the concept behind it, try watching maybe). Also, think of it from the other perspective won’t you like your partner to be more understanding, more active, more presentable and more loving rather than a guy in sweat pants eating junk food and binging on TV some sports and being a couch potato or being a male chauvinist, unhygienic person who’s outrightly lazy. We don’t like that, we want a better version too so what’s wrong with a guy wanting same. If you can fall in love with yourself and the people around you then everyone can fall in love with you. If they don’t, it’s their loss why not make someone else luckier.
    Keep blogging keep inspiring!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thanks lovely ✨ I really like that quote!! I just had a little look at it and thanks for sharing, I think that’s interesting to keep in mind. What you said reminds me of the quote “you can’t fall in love with others until you fall in love with yourself” and I really believe that’s true in some ways, because until you do love yourself, you’ll never be able to fully accept love from others through fear of not deserving it or feeling good enough. Thank you for reading! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. crystalsandcurls says:

    God…as always, an absolutely BEAUTIFUL post. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I think we all go through times when we aren’t quite sure of WHO we are, so (as you said) we’re easier to mould. And we can project the ideal of ourselves onto people (ideal me has a loving boyfriend and has her shit together, so i guess i’ll tone my laugh down because you like reserved girls and then you’ll like me and somehow everything will fall into place) …but nobody can make us happy if we arent happy with ourselves. I’m so glad you’ve realised that you don’t need to change AT ALL for ANYONE xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much angel 💞 It’s true, when we’re not too sure of our identities we’re easy to mould and therefore, see ourselves changing all the time. We have an ideal image of ourselves in our head and then try and project that onto other people so that they see us the same way, just like you said. However, I think if we’re having to almost force that onto other people it means that it’s not who we really are (for the moment anyway, it could very easily be in time) but we should just accept that we are who we are and we shouldn’t try and change that unless we want to, for our own happiness .xxx

      Like

  9. whatismaria says:

    Beautiful post as always Chloe! So much of what you’ve said really resonates with me.. I always worry that I will spend the rest of my life alone because my personality is quite different and I just cannot imagine anyone loving me as I am, and at times it is very difficult to believe that there is someone out there who is supposed to be my soul mate. And up until recently, I have definitely struggled with changing my personality, my sense of humour etc to try and become friends with a particular person, yet everything has been so much better since I’ve realised that if a friendship has to be forced it probably isn’t meant to be. Thank you for sharing this, it was a wonderful read! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much my angel, I promise that you will find someone and meet people who love absolutely ALL of you and you won’t have to change a thing for them, it’s a shame that it takes a while to realise it but once you do, you never hold back. I completely agree, if you have to force something and change who you really are in order to fit in with people, chances are they aren’t the right ones. Thank you so much for reading lovely💞✨xx

      Liked by 1 person

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