Throughout life, I’ve learned the hard way that you can try (and maybe even succeed) at changing many things, but you can never change the way someone feels. You cannot control someone’s feelings – their free will to do whatever they want, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t.
I’ve met people before who I’d really wanted to love me, and so I’d change myself. I’d mould myself into something that was easier for them to love, I’d become quieter, more feminine, longer hair, more makeup, different clothes, or I’d be louder, more confident, more playful. I’d analyse everything I was going to say before I’d say it, just to make sure that it was right thing, something that would make me easier to love, something that was easier for them to get on with. You name it.
I know how it sounds and how ridiculous it is, I know it’s wrong, but when I’m in the moment with someone it’s just so easy for me to be different and so therefore, I am. I know it means they’re not seeing a true version of me, I wouldn’t say they were seeing a fake one but more of a reserved one – a more sheltered version, I quieten down certain parts of my personality and get louder with others, but it’s always a conscious effort that I make, I always think about it first, it’s never natural. I always change myself depending on who I’m with, I’ve always been so jealous of people that seem to just have one true identity and are themselves throughout all situations with all types of people. I don’t know who I am fully yet, so I’m easy to mould.
Every time I meet someone and it doesn’t work out, whether that’s platonically or romantically, I’m always left with the question of “what if?” (this is a running theme in most parts of my life as you guys have probably noticed). Questions race through my head – What if I had been different? What if I had been quieter? What if I had worn a different outfit? What if I hadn’t double texted? What if I had been thinner – what if I’d lost that 10 pounds before I met them? Stupid things that I know sound stupid because I’m wanting to slap myself as I even type them, but it’s true, and I’m sure I’m not alone in it. If we wanted things to work out and they didn’t, I’m sure a lot of us always wonder what we could have done differently – how we could have changed to make things better.
I know in my head that I should never compromise myself for anybody, I should never try and make myself ‘easy’ to love, if that’s the case then they’re not the right person for me – if you love someone then you love all of them, and the stupid questions I ask myself e.g. “was it because I double texted?” wouldn’t alter anyone’s love towards me, it would never make them love me any less or put them off me, yet I still just can’t accept it. I’d never force anything – if something doesn’t work out then I leave it alone, but inside my brain it’s a completely different story like I said, an endless amount of questions are whirling around my head that won’t go away. When you want something to work with someone so badly, it’s hard to tell yourself to stop and to let it go, or for me it is anyway. I know all of the facts in my head, I know it’s wrong and I should move on and stop trying yet my heart just won’t accept it. My head will but my heart won’t, I’m constantly fighting a losing battle.
Through all of the self love and events that have been happening in my life lately, I have realised so, so many things. Finally, I think my heart has accepted what my head already knew, and it’s enabled me to let a lot of things go. I accepted fully that I couldn’t make someone love me if they didn’t, I couldn’t change to make myself ‘easier to love’…you know when you can feel somebody drifting away from you and so you change yourself in any way that you can so they come back. I realised that it didn’t matter whether I was 10 pounds lighter or 10 pounds heavier when I met him, he would’ve never loved me either way. I can’t control somebody’s feelings; I can’t make someone love me if they don’t.
Then I think about what it’s doing to me – again, I’m still at the stage where my head knows it but my heart won’t accept it, but why would I ever want to compromise myself for someone else? I’m worthy of being loved exactly the way that I am and someday, someone is going to love every single piece of me. There’s no reason why they couldn’t. Am I really wanting to be with someone who I have to compromise myself for, someone who doesn’t 100% love me for who I am – someone who is clearly not the right person for me? I want to shake myself sometimes; I really wish someone would knock some sense into me. My head knows what’s right and what’s wrong yet my heart just can’t accept it and so I’m willing to overthink, drive myself crazy and end up hurting myself over it. It’s ridiculous and I wish I could just take my own advice, but my heart finds it so hard to let go even though it’s the right thing to do.
I hope now though that this is the last time I’ll experience this, the feeling of “what if I’d done this” or “what if I’d changed this”. No more, my heart is tired now. I sat in front of the mirror the other day, looked at myself and said “Chlo, he was never going to love you whether you were 90 pounds or 900 pounds, long hair or short hair. There’s nothing you could’ve done, and that’s okay.” And it is okay, because they weren’t the right person for me. My soul mate is out there somewhere and one day I’ll meet them but until then, I’m not going to keep trying to make things work with the wrong people, I’m not going to change myself for others. They knew what they were getting into when they met me, so why halfway down the line do I always feel the need to change?
I hope this all made sense loves, my head is very rambly at the minute so I hope I managed to explain this the way I wanted to. Before I go, here’s a (poetic version) of a text I would’ve sent to someone that made me feel this way if I thought they deserved my words, which they don’t. So I’m going to write it here instead.
“It’s okay that you don’t love me, it’s okay that you don’t want me or need me. It’s okay that you changed your mind and realised this isn’t what you wanted anymore. It’s okay that I’m not the right person for you. What’s not okay is for you to still try and make me believe that I was, even though I could so clearly see the truth. I gave you so many chances to be honest and talk to me, yet you passed up every one of them, and for what reason? So you still had a back up. You didn’t need me to stay but you didn’t want me to leave either, I was your safety blanket and we both knew it, yet you still continued to pretend it wasn’t the truth. It’s okay that you don’t love me, but it’s not okay for you to drag me along through the dirt with you and to drop me when you’re done. I will always be the girl who ends things before they end her, and you are no exception. I’m the one who leaves before she gets left, and you know that all too well. Have fun trying to burn the bridges, I’m sorry that all you’re going to find is smoke and ashes in the places I’ve already destroyed, before you had the chance to.”
All my love,