Hello my lovelies,
It’s late Sunday night when I’m writing this (Monday when I’m posting though), I should probably be in bed since I have work in the morning but late night thoughts always keep me awake. What I’m about to ramble on about is something I’ve touched upon a little bit before in blog posts – it’s the idea that basically, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life.
The thing that sparked interest in me writing this post is the fact that at the moment, a lot of the people I go to work with are leaving. They’re going into new jobs and a couple of people are going travelling, there was someone that left a couple of months ago to travel around the world in a campervan with their dog, there’s someone who’s just left to go travelling with their friends because they hate the 9-5 life and want to be doing something they truly love instead. It kind of feels like everyone is moving forward, doing bigger and better things and I’m just…not? Like I said, all my friends are at uni in new places doing things they love, but I’m stuck here doing the same thing every day. All of this happening around me has actually made things worse I think, because now I just sit here wondering how long I’m going to have to do this before I find my calling.
I never wanted to go to university and the idea of the whole college lifestyle didn’t appeal to me either, so when I was 16 I left school and started working full time – a decision I don’t regret a single bit. I’ve gained so much experience and knowledge, have a lot of great things to put on my CV, been promoted and am on a really good salary, which at the age of 19 I’m super proud of myself for and can only hope to continue this as time goes on.
However, as much as I like my job and the people I work with, it isn’t something I’m passionate about. I don’t get up every morning because I live and breathe it, I go because I have to and because I need the money to live, basically. I know I’m not growing here – nor will I begin to in future. I’ve always been a person who very much stays in their comfort zone looking out from it wishing I had the courage to take that first step outside, but I never do. Now that I’m turning 20 and beginning to believe in myself, I need a change. It’s going to be scary, I’m going to be anxious and nervous and scared and panicky but it’s what I need to do and I know that once I’ve taken that first step, I’m going to thank myself for it. I feel like I’ve gone backwards in a sense – when I first started working here I was a lot different, I was more reserved because I was shy but I felt like I was still able to express myself in other ways. Now, I don’t express myself at all because I feel like I can’t, I know that this is not what I’m supposed to be doing, and basically the image that everyone perceives of me, actually isn’t me at all – to the point where I saw someone outside of work the other day and she actually had to do a double take to check that it was me. And this isn’t anyone’s fault as such, this job just isn’t for me. Yes I can do it and yes I get along with the people around me, but it’s so comfortable and safe that it’s easy, and that’s not what I need – it’s not what I want, I can’t express myself physically or mentally and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m trying to figure out where I’m going with everything lately and how I’m going to help myself, which is all a very confusing process. I’m doing a lot of research and my brain currently feels like an artist’s workshop with pens and papers and books and colourful paint strewn everywhere. I’m buying so many books, watching so many videos and doing so much research my brain feels like it’s about to explode however, it’s all part of the process and I’m sure I’ll figure something out eventually. For now, I just needed somewhere to write it all out in order to clear out some of the chaos, I hope I haven’t rambled!
I’ve never really known what I wanted to do in life which is why I skipped college and uni because A) it didn’t interest me and B) I wouldn’t have known which subjects to choose, so for me it would’ve been a waste of time. I’ve always known that I’ve had a passion for writing, literature – anything of that sort. If I could label myself as anything it would be a writer, maybe not a good one or a professional one, but in my heart I know that is what I was meant to do. I think starting this blog has made me realise that I could actually do something with it, as I’ve always only ever written for myself but with this new platform I can share that with others, and hopefully inspire them and just be happy in the fact that other people care enough to read my thoughts and views on things.
I’ve been wanting to get a desk in my room for a while now so that I can write and create properly, so I think that’s the first step towards making the change that I need. I haven’t gotten around to it yet because everything else in my room is so big I have no room for a desk, but I’m going to redo the layout and make room, I think I need a good clear out anyway. Hopefully taking the first step like this will help clear my head a little and I’ll be able to at least give myself a starting point.
I’d love to go to some sort of college / school for writing or do a course on it, I don’t even know what the options are – I’d love to meet likeminded people and to improve on my skills etc., just something to make me feel like I was actually working towards something I was passionate about, you know? When I think of it like that, it does make me sad that my friends are at university studying subjects and taking courses that they love and are passionate about – working towards their dream jobs and careers. When I compare that to my 9-5 job that I’m not passionate about I feel like I’ve got no way of changing it and that I’m wasting precious time I could be focusing on something I love instead.
I don’t really know what paths or choices I’ve got right now, and I don’t really know where to go for guidance either. When you’re in an education system there’s always someone you can speak to for guidance (that isn’t your mum or your best friend) and I don’t feel like I have that at the moment, so I’m trying to figure it out…but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I just know I want to do something bigger than what I currently do now, something I’m passionate about and want to actually get up for on a Monday morning. Like I said, I enjoy my job but I don’t live and breathe it – I only go because I need the money, which is the case for a lot of people and it’s a shame. I feel like while I’m young I should make every effort to try and sort a career path for myself or even start working towards what I want to be doing in 5 years time, even though I’ve no idea what that is.
I’ve completely thrown myself into this blog and I’m absolutely loving it, it’s definitely helped me realised the (sort of) direction I want to be heading in, but how I get there…I don’t know.
Sorry for this little ramble, I just felt like I needed to share this before I went to sleep.
(if any of you have any advice, that would be extremely welcome)
All my love,