not knowing which path to follow

Hello my lovelies,

It’s late Sunday night when I’m writing this (Monday when I’m posting though), I should probably be in bed since I have work in the morning but late night thoughts always keep me awake. What I’m about to ramble on about is something I’ve touched upon a little bit before in blog posts – it’s the idea that basically, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life.

The thing that sparked interest in me writing this post is the fact that at the moment, a lot of the people I go to work with are leaving. They’re going into new jobs and a couple of people are going travelling, there was someone that left a couple of months ago to travel around the world in a campervan with their dog, there’s someone who’s just left to go travelling with their friends because they hate the 9-5 life and want to be doing something they truly love instead. It kind of feels like everyone is moving forward, doing bigger and better things and I’m just…not? Like I said, all my friends are at uni in new places doing things they love, but I’m stuck here doing the same thing every day. All of this happening around me has actually made things worse I think, because now I just sit here wondering how long I’m going to have to do this before I find my calling.

I never wanted to go to university and the idea of the whole college lifestyle didn’t appeal to me either, so when I was 16 I left school and started working full time – a decision I don’t regret a single bit. I’ve gained so much experience and knowledge, have a lot of great things to put on my CV, been promoted and am on a really good salary, which at the age of 19 I’m super proud of myself for and can only hope to continue this as time goes on.

However, as much as I like my job and the people I work with, it isn’t something I’m passionate about. I don’t get up every morning because I live and breathe it, I go because I have to and because I need the money to live, basically. I know I’m not growing here – nor will I begin to in future. I’ve always been a person who very much stays in their comfort zone looking out from it wishing I had the courage to take that first step outside, but I never do. Now that I’m turning 20 and beginning to believe in myself, I need a change. It’s going to be scary, I’m going to be anxious and nervous and scared and panicky but it’s what I need to do and I know that once I’ve taken that first step, I’m going to thank myself for it. I feel like I’ve gone backwards in a sense – when I first started working here I was a lot different, I was more reserved because I was shy but I felt like I was still able to express myself in other ways. Now, I don’t express myself at all because I feel like I can’t, I know that this is not what I’m supposed to be doing, and basically the image that everyone perceives of me, actually isn’t me at all – to the point where I saw someone outside of work the other day and she actually had to do a double take to check that it was me. And this isn’t anyone’s fault as such, this job just isn’t for me. Yes I can do it and yes I get along with the people around me, but it’s so comfortable and safe that it’s easy, and that’s not what I need – it’s not what I want, I can’t express myself physically or mentally and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m trying to figure out where I’m going with everything lately and how I’m going to help myself, which is all a very confusing process. I’m doing a lot of research and my brain currently feels like an artist’s workshop with pens and papers and books and colourful paint strewn everywhere. I’m buying so many books, watching so many videos and doing so much research my brain feels like it’s about to explode however, it’s all part of the process and I’m sure I’ll figure something out eventually. For now, I just needed somewhere to write it all out in order to clear out some of the chaos, I hope I haven’t rambled!

I’ve never really known what I wanted to do in life which is why I skipped college and uni because A) it didn’t interest me and B) I wouldn’t have known which subjects to choose, so for me it would’ve been a waste of time. I’ve always known that I’ve had a passion for writing, literature – anything of that sort. If I could label myself as anything it would be a writer, maybe not a good one or a professional one, but in my heart I know that is what I was meant to do. I think starting this blog has made me realise that I could actually do something with it, as I’ve always only ever written for myself but with this new platform I can share that with others, and hopefully inspire them and just be happy in the fact that other people care enough to read my thoughts and views on things.

I’ve been wanting to get a desk in my room for a while now so that I can write and create properly, so I think that’s the first step towards making the change that I need. I haven’t gotten around to it yet because everything else in my room is so big I have no room for a desk, but I’m going to redo the layout and make room, I think I need a good clear out anyway. Hopefully taking the first step like this will help clear my head a little and I’ll be able to at least give myself a starting point.

I’d love to go to some sort of college / school for writing or do a course on it, I don’t even know what the options are – I’d love to meet likeminded people and to improve on my skills etc., just something to make me feel like I was actually working towards something I was passionate about, you know? When I think of it like that, it does make me sad that my friends are at university studying subjects and taking courses that they love and are passionate about – working towards their dream jobs and careers. When I compare that to my 9-5 job that I’m not passionate about I feel like I’ve got no way of changing it and that I’m wasting precious time I could be focusing on something I love instead.

I don’t really know what paths or choices I’ve got right now, and I don’t really know where to go for guidance either. When you’re in an education system there’s always someone you can speak to for guidance (that isn’t your mum or your best friend) and I don’t feel like I have that at the moment, so I’m trying to figure it out…but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I just know I want to do something bigger than what I currently do now, something I’m passionate about and want to actually get up for on a Monday morning. Like I said, I enjoy my job but I don’t live and breathe it – I only go because I need the money, which is the case for a lot of people and it’s a shame. I feel like while I’m young I should make every effort to try and sort a career path for myself or even start working towards what I want to be doing in 5 years time, even though I’ve no idea what that is.

I’ve completely thrown myself into this blog and I’m absolutely loving it, it’s definitely helped me realised the (sort of) direction I want to be heading in, but how I get there…I don’t know.

Sorry for this little ramble, I just felt like I needed to share this before I went to sleep.

(if any of you have any advice, that would be extremely welcome)

All my love,

Chloe .xx

 

25 thoughts on “not knowing which path to follow

  1. Amielle says:

    I feel you with the job part. I hope we both find jobs that would make us be excited about waking up and not just because we need the job to survive. As they say, things will fall into place. I know we’ll both get there. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Veronica M. says:

    Really proud of you making your own way at a job you definitely seem good at! Honestly crazy you posted this about now, since I’m also trying to decide between two personal pathways to take in the near future. You definitely have a talent for writing, and if you wanted to, maybe you could look into taking a writing course or two at a college near you-even if you’re not interested in a degree, taking some writing courses could further help you in figuring out what you can do with what is obviously your passion. Hope this helped or encouraged you somehow love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much! Honestly I feel the same way with certain blog posts sometimes, I read them and I’m like ?! could this has been any more spot on for me right now! I honestly think it’s fate! I’m definitely going to have a look into it, I think a writing course is definitely something I could do! Thank you for reading and for saying such nice things, it means a lot xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kirstyjadeblog says:

    I think its great that you are able to use your blog as a source to share and ‘ramble’ as its comforting to share and discover as both a reader and yourself writing this that there are others who feel the same. I definitely think that although it’s a great achievement to have your job, it is worth looking into other options. I am not the most sure but I know from personal experience that initially looking at foundation courses at some Uni’s are a good start. Then maybe looking into work experience or internships (depending the specific route you want to take). I know this may not be the most helpful; but I definitely think go for it! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you! I definitely am going to start looking into other options – I researched it all before but that was a long time ago when I was still confused over what I was actually looking for in the first place, but now I think I have a bit more of an idea. An internship is a great idea and even though they’re rare to come by I think they’re invaluable so I’m always going to keep that in mind! You were super helpful lovely don’t worry, thank you for reading! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kaitlyn says:

    Thank-you so much for sharing this; it’s really nice to know that there are other people out there who feel a similar way! With your dreams, go for them. You are living in safety and comfort, which is great, because it helped you at the start, but this path no longer serves you. Feel what pulls you (which you are), and head that way. The regret of not trying would be far more severe than any temporary discomfort that change will bring. Take small steps, and eventually these will become bigger and bigger, and you will get to where you want to be. All the very best, and I believe in you! 🧡

    Liked by 3 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      You’re so welcome lovely, thank you for reading. Even though I feel like it might be a little boring for me to keep sharing all my rambling thoughts on here, it’s so nice to know that I can help other people by being able to relate and therefore allowing them to not feel so alone! I completely agree with you – the path I’m on at the moment no longer serves me and so I need to take a new one, and the regret would be far stronger for the things I didn’t do rather than the ones I did. Thank you so much for your lovely words!! 💞xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. thevisualdiaryofabs says:

    I relate to this so much. My job is somewhat cushy and I don’t mind going, I get paid and I have ok days, but I want to wake up every day excited for the day ahead. As cliche as it sounds, I want to live a life I dream & love, not a life that I have to construct just to survive – fuck that! Definitely chase your dreams, I want to be a YouTuber and a blogger, and I’m just going with it no matter what people think! If you know it’s your calling in life then you’ve got nothing to lose! With creative writing, you could go into children’s storybooks, or because your words help so many, you could design and write your own magazine, create a mailing list and send it out to people monthly – that’s something I’ve always wanted to do (let’s do it together?!). Obviously your blog is fantastic so I 100% think that will take you places. You’ll get exactly where you need to be xx

    Liked by 2 people

      • hell0chloe says:

        Hahahah I didn’t even realise!! My job is somewhat cushy too in the sense that I can basically get away with not doing a fat lot & still get paid for it, and obviously I like the people I work with but I’m the same as you in the sense that I don’t wake up excited for the day ahead but my aim is definitely to achieve that. I honestly think you’d be perfect as a Youtube / full time blogger, I watch your videos already and I really love them, you’ve got a knack for it! I’d LOVE to write a magazine & do a mailing list though, what a good idea !! Thanks for reading lovely and for your brilliant words as always!! 💖xx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. crystalsandcurls says:

    YES. YES. YES. I’d suggest maybe talking to a university – a lot of them are actually quite accepting to people from alternative backgrounds (like straight to work then decided to come back) as long as you can demonstrate passion and a portfolio, so you could try for a creative writing course. Even if you don’t go, they’re very good at general advice 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Great advice as always!! I looked into it a lot before but that was such a long time ago so I’m definitely gonna have another look and see what’s out there, thanks for reading girly 💜x

      Like

  7. seaofwordsx says:

    I loved this blog post because I feel exactly the same way. I just graduated at the end of August and to be honest I’m just chilling around. I have free time and bought some books to read, get inspiration from postcasts of yoga girl and write on my blog and instagram. I also wanna travel again with my friends. I also wanna sing and surf again and make memories. I should look for a job but I’m just so afraid. I love International relations (I studied European Studies) and languages and writing. I just found it hard to look for what I really want. I’m going back to Holland in December to get my degree and enjoy X Mas with family. I hope that in the new year I know what to want and how to achieve it. I’m just so afraid my anxiety will cripple up again. My advice to you is to follow your heart for sure and take little steps because we can’t achieve something big all at once. I believe in you! 🍀

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you lovely, & that’s completely okay!! We don’t always know what we want to do in life and that’s fine, a lot of people even in their 50s STILL have no idea what they want to do when they ‘grow up’ and so to be so young and not know which path to go down is completely normal I’ve learned. I think we should all do what we want to while we still can and while we have the time / opportunity to do it, because no time spent on self growth is wasted! I hope you figure some of it out in the new year my lovely, I have every faith in you! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Lost soul says:

    If you think writing is the thing you want to do then just don’t think twice and follow it. Things will fall into place eventually, you have to start doing things initially.
    I could totally get you because yes I have been through that. I myself didn’t attended Uni and started working early, though my reasons were different.
    But yes I would like to say focus a little and you will see the path. All the very best 🧡🧡

    Liked by 2 people

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