I’m writing this on a Sunday night again (even though I’m posting on a Monday), for some reason my inner-most thoughts always seem to come out at this time.
For the past few weeks I’ve actually felt mentally stable for the first time in my life, and it’s been absolutely amazing. When I first started experiencing it I wasn’t all that sure of what it was – happiness, contentment? I then I realised it was just stability. Like my brain had finally for the first time in its life just stopped for a second, it had stopped going at 100mph and had just come to a stand still to breathe and take in the world around it, and it’s honestly been the nicest feeling ever.
I don’t know completely why this happened (though I have a few ideas) but I’m fully embracing it and accepting that this is the way I want to carry on for the rest of my life, I’ve somehow randomly overnight been given a new brain and I want to keep this new brain now forever – this new mindset. I think it mostly came about because I let go of a lot of the things and a lot of the people that were suffocating me, and not enabling me to be who I really was – the person that I wanted to be. Since throwing all of that away I’ve started fresh and now there’s no pressure on me to be anything at all but myself, so my mind has just completely changed.
I haven’t written in my main journal for a couple of months now I think (I say main journal because I have about 5 and they’re all dedicated to different things – let me know if you want a journal tour?!??) but the reason for that is because I’ve been writing everything I would normally write there on here and in other places. The reason I’m writing this is because right now in this moment I feel a bit lonely, and I know that tomorrow when I wake up the feeling will be gone and it’s not something I’m going to have to wallow in for the next however many weeks, but normally I’d write things like this in my journal and because you guys seem to like it when I just talk to you about how I’m feeling, I thought I’d write it here instead – also helping me to feel a little less lonely since I know you guys are going to read it and therefore, I’m not just talking into the void.
I’m feeling disconnected from people at the minute because not going to lie, they’re probably not the people I need to be speaking to. My best friend is uber busy at the minute and so we’ve barely spoken for a while, and the only other people I really talk to are guys – they’re all amazingly lovely but just not the people I need right now, I’m trying to figure out who I am by myself, grow and become the best Chloe possible and also learn about the world around me – you know? Aka, not getting into a relationship, it’s just something I’m absolutely not interested in right now and to be honest I never really have been. When I say things like this I always wonder if there’s something wrong with me even though I know there’s not, I just generally couldn’t care about things like that right now, it’s not even on my radar. I want to grow and flourish and experience and learn and I dunno, just be my own person. So again, feeling a little disconnected from people because I’m like “ha yes, you’re really lovely but I’m only interested in being friends with you, and I don’t think our friendship could involve talking about feminism and the conspiracies of the universe” – get what I’m saying? I wrote a post before about finding friends and feeling alone and I still fully agree with everything I wrote in that post however, now with this new brain I’ve suddenly been given, (thanks universe), I don’t feel like I’m necessarily desperately searching for other people because I know they’ll come into my life when the timing is right, I just wish I could meet someone literally around where I live and we could hang out and I could share all of this with them, you know? I feel like if I’ve got this 100% magic within me, I could then embark on that with someone else and then we’re just in this huge creative bubble just multiplying the magic and experiencing so much stuff together and supporting each other and creating and just yeah, get what I mean? I wish there was a dating app but for friendships instead where you could just seek out people in your area and match with them based on what you’re interested in (note: I’m aware things like this have been created but the ones currently on offer all look a little odd to me).
I think what I’m saying is I just wish I had someone to connect with that was closer to home, pretty much everyone I speak to / am friends with doesn’t live near me, so I can’t hang out with them, and I literally just wanna be like HEY COME OVER I HAVE ALL THESE BOOKS I WANNA SHOW YOU AND THIS NEW VINYL RECORD I BOUGHT AND WOW LET’S GO THRIFT SHOPPING AND WEAR THOSE COOL OUTFITS AND THEN HAVE AN IMPROMPTU PHOTOSHOOT ON TOP OF A CAR PARK AND THEN LET’S COOK SOME VEGAN FOOD AND SIT UP ‘TIL 3AM LOOKING AT THE SKY AND TALKING ABOUT WHO WE LOVE AND THE UNIVERSE.
Anyway, I thought I’d just put this out here onto my little corner of the internet, and it’s passed some time whilst I’ve been writing anyway because I’m pretty sure it’s been 40 minutes since I started writing on this (though it definitely didn’t feel that long).
Hope you’re all having a great day loves and thank you for listening to me rambling on about my messy thoughts (again).
All my love,