when everything becomes different

Hi loves,

Something crossed my mind yesterday that actually happened in December a couple of months ago, I’m not sure why I only thought about it again yesterday, but I thought it was something that I should tell you guys anyway.

*note – trigger warning, this post isn’t graphic as such but I will be talking about mental health & self harm – please click off this post if any of these will affect you, stay safe loves*

When I was leaving work yesterday and began walking to my car, the second I stepped outside the air was so clean and fresh and cool, but not cold. The sky was light but not extremely bright and I just thought about how beautiful everything looked – it had been raining a few hours earlier and so, you know that feeling of the calm after the storm as they call it (I spoke about that in this post) where everything is dewy, bright, fresh and yet also extremely calm after the rainclouds have floated away? The weather was like that, and as I was walking to my car I was just looking up into the sky taking it all in and my first thought was wow, this would be the perfect weather to go for a walk in right now.

Which then led me to think back to December, when I went for a walk. (I am trying to make a point here, stay with me). I feel like I’ve spoken about depression in my posts a lot more than my anxiety, so I’m going to try and focus on the anxiety more in this one – I’ve had anxiety ever since I can remember, as in, I don’t know if there’s ever been a point in my life where the thought of doing anything remotely social / different, whatever you wanna call it, didn’t made me feel sick to the stomach. When I was a child, my anxiety was so bad that I literally felt like my heart was going to collapse, not kidding. I didn’t understand that it was anxiety at the time and just thought that everyone else felt the same way, until I got older and realised that it basically wasn’t normal. My heart would physically hurt in my chest because it was that bad, I felt like I was going to die – but at 10 years old like I said, I just assumed everyone got ‘nervous’ at things the same way I did.

Skip a few years ahead and I get my precious angel child, Teddy. I was 15 and obviously one of the things you do with a dog is take them for walks, right? I’d been asking for a dog since I could even say the word and finally I had one, I was so excited to take him out but as a lot of you know, anxiety likes to ruin pretty much anything that brings happiness into your life. I did it anyway, my parents had finally bought me a dog and I wanted to show them that I wasn’t going to let them down, plus I wanted to go outside with him since I’d been so excited about it. Despite feeling physically sick at the thought and like I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than leave the house at that moment, I dragged myself out of the door anyway and pushed myself to do it, and it was so, so difficult for me. I felt like I was in a living nightmare and that my heart was going to collapse at any moment – this was literally just from walking my dog which, I feel is a pretty normal thing to be able to do but somehow like everything else, it just wasn’t for me.

I managed a few walks and then that was it, I couldn’t do it. My parents used to go for evening walks anyway so they ended up taking Ted with them and that was the end of it. Over the course of the next 5 years I probably walked my dog twice and the sad thing is I’m not even kidding, I wish I was. Obviously, he goes for a walk every single day – my parents take him, but in terms of me actually taking him for a walk myself, I did it twice in 5 years.

I love going for walks in general because it’s a great way to clear your head, but the only times I’d ever leave the house to do this would be if I was having an ‘episode’ as I like to call it and needed to just get out of the house right away, or if I was doing the dreaded dog walk (which I’ve probably done a total of about 7 times since we got him) and so as you can imagine, the expectations vs reality of walks for me wasn’t exactly the best.

The last time I went for a ‘walk’ was November 2016 – I’d had an episode and I just needed to get out of the house, I took Ted with me and we were out for about 20 minutes before it started raining and he wanted to come back home (yes, he literally wouldn’t walk any further) and so I walked home,  dropped him off and went back out again. It was freezing cold and pouring with rain but I was in such a manic state that I didn’t care, I was just walking and walking and I’m going to be honest, I was planning on harming myself. I switched my phone off and walked around the woods for what felt like hours until I finally calmed down a bit and sat on a bench for what felt like another few hours, I was freezing and drenched from the rain but obviously, I didn’t care – everything was so dull and grey and when I did eventually decide to come home because it was getting dark I got into a huge argument with my mum, I was screaming, slamming doors, threatening to move out, until I eventually went into the bathroom and cut all of my wrists / arms up. I don’t know what came over me but if you understand what I’m talking about by ‘episodes’ you’ll know that something just comes over you and it’s like you’re not even in your own body. I just remember snapping back into reality at the end of it and seeing blood everywhere and wondering what I’d even done. I hadn’t self harmed for a long time and suddenly without even knowing what I was doing, I’d ended up right back there.

My point is (I told you I was gonna get there eventually), that it was a horrendous day for me and that was really the last memory I had of going on a ‘walk’, because luckily since then I haven’t had another episode that’s resulted in me leaving the house and walking off like that again.

So, skip back to December (2017) a couple of months ago, just over a year since my little episode, and I decided to go for a walk. I’d finished work for Christmas and had been off for about a week already but felt like everything I’d done in that time had been based in the house, I’d gone into town and when I came back home I just thought to myself no, I’m not ready to be back inside yet. It was one of those really sunny, crisp Winter days and so I asked Ted if he wanted to go for a walk, his little face lit up and his tail started wagging and he went and sat waiting for me to put his lead on, I almost cried. I’d been wondering at first whether I should do it because obviously, anxiety was screaming at me NO! DON’T DO IT. STAY INSIDE. DON’T GO OUT THERE. but I was like no, fuck you. I’m going.

So anyway, I took Ted for a walk and it was beautiful. The second I stepped out of the door I felt nothing, I was just a girl taking her dog for a walk on a sunny day, people were walking by and smiling at me and Ted was so happy skipping around with his winter coat on and I felt no anxiety at all – it felt so natural that I didn’t even realise it hadn’t affected me until I came home and was like wow, did that just happen? I don’t know what came over me but something had changed and I honestly think part (if not most) of it has been down to creating this blog and enabling myself to change my mindset and share it with other people. If you’ve read my posts from last year you’ll know they’re very uplifting and based around self love – which I’ve always felt but never had a place to actually write it down for other people, like I’ve said in the past, I’ve only ever written for myself in journals and things so I think creating this blog, meeting other likeminded people and being able to write to you reading this and tell you that you’re the most amazing person in the world and you can do anything – that’s helped me more than even I can believe.

The point of this post is that suddenly, it was different. Without even realising, things had changed. The anxiety was still there at the actual thought of doing it but once I pushed past that and got outside everything went away. I feel like a lot of people’s anxieties are based around the thought of doing something but once they actually start doing it, they’re okay – that’s the anxiety I longed for. Mine was just, I felt sick at the thought of it and I felt even more sick doing it, and that’s still the case in certain aspects of my life but I hope that with little things like walking my dog, it’s gone for good now. If I can push past that voice in my head and the churning in my stomach, I’ll be okay. Even though it may only be a simple, little thing to some people, it was a huge thing for me and something that made me so incredibly happy because I was able to do it, when I basically never have before.

The main part for me is that it showed me how much I had grown and changed without even realising. It’s like, you cut your hair off and feel like it’s not growing back at all but then someone sees you a year later and they’re like “Wow, I can’t believe how much your hair has grown!” – I’m obviously with myself everyday, and so I felt like my ‘change’ might have only been something I was telling myself in my mind in order to trick myself into believing I was getting better, but a year later I put it to the test and it honestly, genuinely worked. My mind really had changed, I really was growing and evolving, I really was becoming different.

All of this came from me looking at the sky yesterday and thinking how I’d like to go for a walk in it, and now here I am writing this. I can’t help but think as I mentioned, that half of this is down to you guys being here for me and supporting my writing – giving me somewhere to express my thoughts and feelings, and actually allowing myself to believe (and prove) that I can and will get better. I love you guys so much and thank you as always, for being so amazing.

All my love from the normal girl who loves to take her dog for walks,

Chloe .xx

24 thoughts on “when everything becomes different

  1. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    I saw this post on my Reader and didn’t have time to properly comment and go through, but I remembered to go back on it when I get back to blogging. I’ve been terrible lately at catching up. Anyywaayyy…..LOVE this post! I wanted to hug you when I read that you walked Ted a couple of months ago.
    It’s such a big thing and I think unless you have experienced a form of anxiety, you can’t grasp the significance. From the time of knowing you through blogging, I have seen your posts evolve and I feel as though your personality is really centre stage and you write completely from the heart.
    And you make it seem as though people have known you for years and we are all communicating as if we’re talking in person. I think that’s my thing to work on. In real life I’m so relaxed and always laughing, then on blogging I’m quite formal and all hello, thank you so much for your time. Great post girl. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much lovely! 💙 This made me smile such a lot. I agree as well – unless you’ve experienced it yourself it’s not something you can really grasp / understand, but if you do then you understand how much of a big deal it is and how much courage it took to take the step! When I first started my blog I felt I was always quite prim and formal in my posts because I didn’t really know what the rules were for blogging (I thought you had to be serious to be successful / for people to like you) but as I began to see other bloggers just chatting away and being informal I was like hey, I can do that to! So my personality has definitely been making a strong appearance throughout my posts in the last few months, I’m really happy people are getting a feel for who I really am! xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Shewrites170 says:

    You gave a warning at the beginning to stay away if mental health issues bothers you but I feel everyone should read it for it’s like light at the end of tunnel and hope that every bad phase will pass so hold on. Thanks for sharing!! This was empowering. I like pups and dogs and we had one at home for some time when I was a kid. When you said he went near the door to put the lead on with tail wagging like a fan or when you said he stopped moving in rain I could so imagine it and it put up a smile on my face. It was a happy post and writing and blogging does lift our spirits. I am happy for you 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    This is so beautiful written! 💜 I still suffer from anxiety and maybe I will do for the rest of my life, but I’m doing better than before. However, with searching for a job I feel kinda lost and like you said that the thought and doing it make me sick. You are so brave to share this with us. I love how blogging helps me and you and many of us 💜 Writing is such a beautiful form of healing. You are a beautiful girl and remember you are never alone. We are all in this together 💕 You are an amazing person and you have making such an amazing progress. You deserve all the happiness in the world 💜 I hope to meet you one day. Love you so much 😍😍😍

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you angel💛💛 I’m so glad you’re doing better than before. It’s easy to feel lost sometimes but we have to push through it and it’s what we do with the situation that matters most – you’ve got this!! I have every faith in you. Blogging and sharing my writing is such a release as it is for most of us and I’m so glad we’ve all met each other and are able to share things together – we’re all in this like you said!! Lots of love to you angel ❤️ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kaitlyn says:

    Chloe, I’m so happy for you, and I admire you so much! This is such a beautiful achievement, and it’s funny how what are little things to others, can be huge things to ourselves. So proud of you lovely, and sending allllll the love and hugs to you and Teddy!! 💛 (p.s. my family has a dog called Teddy too!) 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  5. crystalsandcurls says:

    I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It’s such a beautiful way to see how much you’ve grown; I’ve suffered with OCD most of my life and it really is the small everyday things that mental illness effects the most so to some people the biggest victories seem tiny … but until you can’t leave your house without your mind rebelling you can’t understand how damn good it feels to do the simple things! I’m so proud of you and how far you’ve come ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      AHHHH ANGEL. It really is the little things – they definitely feel like the biggest things once you overcome them as well, I think they’re the ones that make me the most proud of myself! Thank you so much lovely💛💛xx

      Like

  6. Hannah says:

    I’m so happy for you. My family has a dog too so I understand how difficult it can be at times to take them on a walk – it’s not you don’t want to or you’re lazy, it’s that you cannot physically do it sometimes because you’re shaking so much. I hope you are proud for how far you have come and hope you come on leaps and bounds from here. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. questionsfromateenager says:

    Chlo, this was just… wow. I truly admire you so much for being so strong and so open about your struggles with mental illness. This must have been incredibly difficult to write about so honestly. But just know that you have my support, no matter what. You have created a wonderful space for yourself and I hope you continue sharing your thoughts with me, with us, the readers of this space.
    I think everyone has one of those pivotal moments in their lives, no matter how big or small they may seem. I think I have only ever really realised how much moments like that set change in me into motion in hindsight. We’re constantly evolving, growing, relationships and dynamics with ourselves and others shifting – I think a lot of the time we don’t acknowledge that change. We don’t really notice it when it comes to us specifically. Which makes it all the more rewarding when you can see yourself clearly for once. Sending you virtual hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Ahhh you’re just my favourite ❤ I think everything personal is difficult to talk about, but that’s one of the reasons we share it right? This honestly made me smile such a lot and you are so lovely, I appreciate it so much. Thank you for sharing your insight on this because I completely agree and couldn’t have said it better myself – your wonderful words are greatly appreciated as always 💛 sending you so much love & light xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Abi Babbles says:

    Oh Chloe I’m so so happy you’ve found a platform that’s helping you in such a positive way! I imagine this post may have been quite hard to share, but thank you for doing so. I think it’ll help a lot of people realise that things do get better and that it is always sunny after a storm xx

    P.s. I’m getting all my hair chopped off this Saturday…I’m taking the plunge.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.