maybe my body isn’t the problem

Hi loves,

I’ve mentioned before in previous posts about how I’ve always used the future to escape the present, and I wrote another post recently where I mentioned “destination addiction” – The idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, or even with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are.”

I was scrolling on the internet the other day and saw a phrase that caught my eye.

“Maybe my body isn’t the problem.”

In my head, I think I’ve always known this in a way, but it’s still never stopped me from trying. When I lose weight, no matter how much I lose, it’s never enough. So much so that I’ll get to a place of “What even is the point? Why should I even bother with my weight at all because no matter what, I’m still never going to be happy?”

I touched on this in a post I made a while ago where I said that the things I was looking forward to in my head, didn’t actually make me any happier once they’d arrived. An example of this is when I say that “when I lose ___ amount of pounds I’ll be happy” or “when I reach ____ goal weight I’ll be happy”, but in reality, when I do actually reach those weights or lose those pounds, I’m never any happier than when I started because to me, it still isn’t enough.

And that’s where the phrase “maybe my body isn’t the problem”, comes in.

I have this thing where I believe that I can’t start to live my life until I look a certain way / weigh a certain amount. – “I can’t start making Youtube videos until I’m ____ amount of pounds”, “I can’t start posting Instagram photos until you can see my jawline”, “I can’t start applying for new jobs until I’m at my goal weight.” It all stops me from living my life when in reality, I can do all of those things right now, there is literally nothing stopping me from posting a Youtube video / Instagram picture or applying for new jobs straight away, it’s just me believing that I can’t until I look a certain way.

When I have a flat stomach, I still dislike everything about myself, I still dislike my face, my body, etc. I still don’t like what I see, and then I get frustrated because I’ve pretty much killed my body off to look like this and gone through mental hell, yet the result still isn’t enough and that’s where the whole “What was even the point?” argument comes in.

I actually had lip fillers recently for the first time ever (let me know if you want a post on that??) in order to even out my face. I don’t like “cosmetic surgery” as it were or the idea of injecting things into my face, I’ve never been into the idea of having boob jobs, tummy tucks or lip injections because those things don’t appeal to me at all, but I was literally sick of looking at my face whether it was fat or thin, makeup or no makeup, and still being put off by what I saw. My face is naturally round, as in, any weight that I have seems to go straight to my cheeks and it’s always been this way, whether I’m underweight or overweight my face is still round and there’s literally nothing I can do about it however, my lips are incredibly small. As in, I pretty much might as well not even have a top lip, I’ve seen people complain about how small their lips are and not kidding their lips are still probably 10x bigger than mine, like girl you don’t wanna complain about small lips until you’ve seen these. My dad pretty much has no lips either and lucky me got the lip genes from him instead of my Mum, so basically I was doomed from the start. Anyway, a permanently round face regardless and no lips just calls for disaster – it makes my face out of proportion and gives the illusion that my cheeks are 10x bigger than they really are due to having no lips to even it out.

So what did your girl do? She got lip fillers. No, I didn’t want to (though no one was forcing me of course) but I was just sick of the whole fiasco and in the end thought fine just inject me and make me look normal. The aim was literally just to even out my face, I don’t want huge duck lips or to look like Kylie Jenner (for reference, I got 0.5ml injected and the people that you see with huge lips have about 3ml) so don’t worry about that. It got to a point where I was so conscious of them (my lips) that I’d do things like subconsciously cover my mouth with my hand while I was talking or move back a little if someone got too close to my face when we were speaking, it even got to a point where I’d subconsciously walk round with a pout almost, one day my friend was like why are you doing that?? And I was like what? And she said pouting? Why are you pouting? And then I was like…well shit, ‘cause I didn’t realise I was doing it, it was just a habit I’d taken on through being self-conscious.

Also, pouting in photos – I hate doing that. I’ve always wanted to have cute candid smiley photos of myself but it just wasn’t gonna happen – any selfie you see of me will 100% guaranteed have a pout and I hate it ‘cause it’s so silly, but if I didn’t do it I’d feel like I just couldn’t get a good photo because everything would be so bleh. But anyway, no more of that now!

So back to the point – normally, let’s take the lip fillers for example, I’d say to myself that once I’d gotten the fillers everything was going to be great – I was going to be happy, my self esteem was going to be fixed! And sure, it gave me confidence (that was the whole point) but it hasn’t fixed the problem, I haven’t just suddenly fallen in love with my face overnight. I like my lips more than I did, and that’s about it – but the difference this time was that I already knew that was going to be the case whereas before, I would’ve been counting down the days until I’d changed this certain thing about myself that was going to magically enable my life to finally begin.

So what I’m saying is – my body isn’t the problem. I’m the problem, and the thing is, I know I’m the problem but like I said before, it still doesn’t stop me from trying. Mentally, I always still feel the same regardless of whether I’m underweight or overweight, literally in my mind I wouldn’t feel any different whether I was 20 pounds or 200 pounds because that’s where the problem lies and so like I said, nothing is ever enough but again, I’ll continue to try. Say I wanted to lose 10 pounds, I’d lose that 10 pounds and still be unsatisfied and I’d be like okay let’s do 15…20…25…30 pounds and so on, and eventually I’d keep losing and losing all of this weight until I was barely there and yet I still wouldn’t feel happy, it still wouldn’t satisfy me. That’s also where the problem is because I associate happiness with being thin, but when I’m thin I’m not happy and so my solution is then to continue to lose more weight, but still none of it makes me satisfied and so I’m then left with the question – where does my happiness lie? And the answer is, I don’t know – materialistically, it lies in the things I love of course, but physically within myself, happiness doesn’t seem to exist anywhere.

I keep telling myself that my body is the problem, my body is the reason I can’t do X, Y, Z and I can’t start my life until a certain number is what I see when I step on the scales, but I know that’s just something I’m kidding myself with, saying it as an excuse for whatever reason. The problem is me and I don’t know how to fix it because the thing is, I’m incredibly aware of it. If I wasn’t aware of it, I wouldn’t be able to write a whole post explaining it with the understanding that I know it’s silly and I’m aware of the fact I’m doing it. I just don’t know how to get around it – I’m unhappy at whatever weight which literally means I can’t be anything and be fulfilled. Underweight? Unhappy. Thin? Unhappy. Ideal weight? Unhappy. In the middle? Unhappy. Overweight? Still unhappy.

I don’t normally do this because obviously, I don’t expect you guys to counsel me – I just use this space as somewhere to vent my thoughts (hence why my posts are always so incredibly long and rambly) but does anyone have any ideas ?????? Has anyone been through this / felt like this / is going through this and feels like this?? I don’t mean that there’s a textbook answer because obviously, it’s a mental thing and everybody is different but I’m seriously out of options, food has always been an issue for me and I know I’m not alone in it, so if anyone has any advice or fancies just telling me how stupid I am (I agree) then hit me up.

Sorry for this rambling mess again. I think I think I think too much.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

24 thoughts on “maybe my body isn’t the problem

  1. Abi Babbles says:

    It’s gonna be one of those “are we the same person?” comments again….I’ve always had a problem with my lips!! I used to get teased at school all the time and get called ‘no lips’ – wah. It made me really sad and really stuck with me. I also hate when people with a sufficient amount of lip state they don’t have any, I’m like !!!! So would love a post on lip fillers, and if you wouldn’t mind including a little before and after picture?

    I also get caught up in the ‘I’ll be happy when..’ and I achieve these things and then still feel empty. I do think it’s a case on working on accepting your life and yourself, and I’m nowhere near achieving this, but that’s what I think will end these thoughts maybe xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Hahaha gosh I swear we are! I’ll deffo do a post on the fillers – I’m getting them topped up in a couple of months so I’ll probably be posting it around then.

      I agree with what you said, we just have to accept life and ourselves as being the way we are right now, and all we can aim to do is try and improve that day by day .xxx

      Like

  2. mburablog says:

    Aww Chloe, I love that you had the courage to open up to us. You are brave for that 👏👏👏. Am not an expert but I can tell you this. Your happiness is within you, you just gotta search for it. Its right there and you knowing that their is a “problem” is a step. So try to solve that problem mentally and emotionally. You are a beautiful soul and as long as you can drive yourself to a place where you are at peace inside and out, you will feel good. Don’t care about what people think of you. Accept yourself as you are, focus on you mentally. I promise you’ll be the happiest. Take time an assess yourself. Answer why am you feeling this and answer how will you stop this. You have the solution beautiful ❤️ and we love you just the way you are girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      You are so wonderful !! 💛 Your words always make me smile so much. It’s just accepting and believing the fact that we are worth it and we DO deserve good things, like you said I know it’s deep down somewhere inside of me, I just have to find it! I just need to accept that I am the way I am and if I ever need / want to change that it should be for myself only, and no one else. Much love to you angel 💞xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ameliacdowling says:

    Loved this so much and yes please to a post on fillers!
    I know exactly how you feel and there are a couple of things that help me with it: 1. I saw a quote (follow bodyposipanda on insta!) saying how no one knows how much Anne Frank/Rosa Parks/ Mother Theresa etc weighed- their other characteristics are so much more important! 2. Another quote/picture about how you won’t remember eating a slice of pizza in your teen years but you will remember losing decades to unhappiness or shame about your appearance and 3. For me I like to think about what my body does rather than how it looks! My legs are short and scarred but they take me up mountains and walk my dog, my arms might be scrawny but they’re strong enough to climb with etc!

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you angel! I’ll definitely look into doing one.
      This was really helpful and I love bodyposipanda !! She’s such an inspiration and SO beautiful inside and out. Honestly, thank you for these tips – I’d never even thought about the amazing women in history before – they were worth so much more than their appearance!! The last point is also incredibly true and I need to start thinking of my body as a vessel that allows me to do things, rather than an aesthetic thing that is here for the pleasure of others. Thank you for reading lovely💛 xx

      Like

  4. crystalsandcurls says:

    I love you I love you I love you. I just want you to know that; you have a whole community of us who don’t even know what you look like (you could be catfishing us with your photos for all we know) who think you’re amazing and worthwhile and absolutely fucking magic. Your body isn’t the problem, your body isn’t the solution – your body is just home to a soul and that soul is one that is beautiful and precious and you deserve to know and truly understand that. What you’ve described is painfully relatable; I do it myself. When my skin’s clear, when my hairs a certain length, when I’ve got x many tattoos…. but these things are so surface level. I wish I could give you advice, but just know I’m here if you ever need anything and I think you’re perfect and gorgeous just the way you are xxxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      I love you I love you I love you MORE. You’re an angel I swear 💛💛 It’s so sad that a lot of people feel this way and it’s even sadder that I would still say these exact same things to you but still not be able to implement them on myself, because I wouldn’t believe it. I hope we can continue with self love and finally reach that point some day – I am always here for you too if you ever need me 💛 xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hannah says:

    I would love to read a post about your lip filler experience because I feel like it’s something many people don’t talk about, I guess because of society enforcing that changing yourself cosmetically is bad and people shouldn’t do it. I understand where you are coming from – something I’ve heard helps other people to love their body is positive affirmations. I don’t know if you have ever tried this but maybe give it a go and see if it works for you? xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      I’ll definitely look into writing one! I’m not sure how interesting it would be but I’ll definitely give it a go hahah – I have heard about affirmations yes, it’s another one I’m going to add to the list! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. iwannabealady says:

    You aren’t alone in feeling insecure or in hoping that some one thing will change everything even though you know in your heart that it won’t. I used to hate my teeth so much. I got picked on about them growing up and as an adult I used to try covering them up when I smiled. It was exhausting and braces are expensive. Every time I booked the appt I cancelled it because I worked so hard for my money and didn’t want to let it go. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t think about it too much and I’m finally starting to get that the energy we put out and the confidence is our biggest source of attraction. When you learn to own something, others start accepting it and then weirdly liking it as well.

    Believe me, when you’re old and wrinkly you’ll look back at how much time you spent hating your body and think, what a waste. I’ve had that realization plenty of times already and I’m just in my 30s!

    This might sound cliche, but I found it helpful for me to joke about it. Get used to making light of your woes, the things you don’t like and laugh with others about it. Write out a stand up comedy bit about your thin lips, or a monologue by your body where she says how bitchy you are to her for always demanding better. Make it funny or serious. But channeling your frustration and sadness in a creative way can be really helpful. Sending you love and positivity. 💜 Also check out @fenellafox and @grassandtities on Instagram. They are always a great source of encouragement and Fenella has the most inspiring captions.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      This made me smile so much, honestly thank you. I definitely believe it’s a coming of age thing because as I’ve grown older I’ve definitely stopped caring less and the pressure has eased, I’m finding it easier to accept my body for the way it is (even though obviously, it’s still a struggle) but I feel like as I’m getting older, my priorities are definitely changing. Like you said – when I’m old and wrinkly I don’t want to look back on my life and think about how much time I wasted hating myself, my body is a wonderful thing and I really need to accept and embrace that.

      I’m definitely going to check out those IG accounts – I already follow so many and am always on the lookout for new people, they’re such a source of inspiration and reading uplifting captions really helps me. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to write this comment!! 💛 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. don't give a jam says:

    such an honest post, I like the laid back style 😊 I’d love to see a post about your lip filler experience! & I hope you find a solution to be happier with your body, no matter what weight you’re at! your body most definitely is not the problem 💛

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much! I’ll start working on one and see if I can make it sound interesting hahaha, I wasn’t sure if it’s something people would want to read about! Thank you so much lovely, this means such a lot💛 x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Isabél Murgelas says:

    Firstly: you’re beautiful. Secondly: don’t apologise for your “rambling thoughts” — as a reader I love to hear such authenticity in writing. Thirdly: you’re not alone in your insecurities and please don’t feel bad for having them. Unfortunately, we’re so surrounded by what is expected by us, that we can start to feel as if we’re the problem. We’re not. I’m incredibly passionate about health and fitness, but for reasons far behind how it makes me look, but because of how it makes me FEEL. 🙏🏼

    I was literally saying to my mum yesterday that I wish more people did things they WANT to do, instead of doing it because they feel they HAVE to do it. So many of us constantly do things for other people, when realistically if everybody’s doing it for somebody else, then we’re all just too busy worrying to even pay attention to those around us.

    You’re right in saying that your body isn’t the problem. Your body fights for you everday and loves you unconditionally. But, you’re also not the problem, because unintentionally society has wired you to think you need to change and become like the people on advertisements, in order to be good enough. Something which is far from the truth. It can be a struggle, but if you keep working towards loving yourself more and more, one day you’ll feel how the judgement gradually seizes to exist, and you notice the things about you that are so special. (sorry for pretty much writing another whole blog post under your blog post, but self-love and body image / confidence is a subject very close to my heart).

    This was a beautifully, honest piece of writing lovely girl, so much love to you! 💛

    Liked by 6 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      This made me smile SO much you have no idea, you are such an angel, this was so beautiful to read. I couldn’t agree with you more, literally everything you have said is perfect. It’s crazy how we can all see these things from the outside but find it so hard to actually implement them ourselves into our own lives (or for me anyway) – what you’ve said is the way I see things but I just can’t seem to get past that barrier and allow myself to actually believe it, it’s like I’m constantly beating myself up over everything all the time even though I don’t want to and know it’s wrong.

      When I myself think of how much attention I pay to other people (literally not a lot) it baffles me that I care so much about what other people think / will think of me, when I myself barely ever pay that amount of attention to others around me anyway, so why would I be any different? Literally like you’ve said – no one even cares that much, we’re all too busy doing out own thing!

      I’m definitely trying to undo society’s damage and the internet / body positive movement has helped that so much, I think it’s something we all need to speak out about a lot more, so I’m so glad it’s something you’re passionate about, because me too girl 💛

      Also, please NEVER apologise for writing long comments – they’re honestly my favourite and it means so much that you took the time to write something so lovely – thank you so much. All my love to you girly 💛 this really made me smile xxx

      Liked by 2 people

      • Isabél Murgelas says:

        That makes me so happy to hear!!! 🌸
        I’m with you, it’s always easier said than done. I know that even I have days when I encourage self-love, but of course following through with it yourself is so much harder than giving advice. But I do believe that when we surround ourselves by positive energy and authentic, uplifting people – that becomes easier to navigate.

        Distancing yourself from society and all its “expectations” and just generally working to let go of all the pressure and deciding that how you feel about yourself is only up to you, really helps. It’s a journey and it takes time – and even when you think you’ve “got it” you’ll have days when it doesn’t feel that way.

        Be patient with youself. We’re all just finding our way. And I think KNOWING and LISTENING to those thoughts and actually WANTING to let go of judgement and the doubt you have for yourself, is the very first step to fully accepting who you are. Lots of love 💛💛 xox

        Liked by 1 person

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