I’ve mentioned this before – the fact that before I started a blog, I never used to share my writing anywhere. For years I would only ever use journals, and I still do, but my main journal where I would usually write, I don’t anymore…not half as much. Everything that I would normally write in there, I write here instead now because I know I can elaborate on it and turn it into something I can share with you guys, which is what I want.
Like I said, I still journal (I think I’ve told you guys before that I have a lot of journals, each one for a different thing) but the main one where I would just flip to the next page and pour my deepest thoughts out without even thinking, I don’t do that anymore…because I do it all here instead. I miss it and I don’t really know why I’m even making this post but I’m just a little…eh. I want to be able to do both but I feel like I can’t, and I really miss it. I’m a writer, and I still write of course, just not in the way that I used to. I feel like I’ve lost the authenticity of grabbing my journal and writing until I feel like my arm’s about to fall off – now I reach straight for my laptop instead and start typing. It’s like, I know that electronically I can get my words out faster whilst also being able to write something that I can share with you guys because I love being personal with you all, sometimes I think it’s nice to share things that other people necessarily wouldn’t, because I always want people to know they’re not alone in whatever it is they’re feeling.
I need a way that I can do both, but I don’t really know how, now. I was thinking that when I have thoughts like the ones I would usually journal, I should make sure I reach for that first before wanting to grab my laptop, so I can write everything out like I used to and then if I want to make a blog post out of it I can just transfer everything over afterwards…but I don’t know. It still doesn’t really feel authentic to me, I feel like I’d just be journalling knowing that whatever I wrote would get turned into a blog post and so I’d probably filter / change what I was going to write, instead of just pouring my heart out – does that make sense?
I don’t know, I’m rambling. It’s late and this is a prime example of something I would normally write in my journal, but because I have this little space on the internet now I just write it here instead. I’m absolutely not complaining, I’m just trying to figure out a way of doing both. I love writing and being authentic and I feel like I’ve lost the authenticity of actually writing by transferring everything over to the internet, know what I mean? I miss holding a pen in my hand, basically. I went to get my journal out before I started typing this post but my mind went blank, because I didn’t really know what I was going to write. I don’t know. Flicking through my journals is like stepping back in time and watching the process of my mind – a journey of the days, weeks, months of my life and the things that have happened in them, and now I don’t really document that anymore.
I’ve stopped documenting and instead, used the topic of my thoughts as conversational points for blog posts and so for example instead of writing / documenting in my journal something that I’m feeling, I’ll turn it into a blog post instead, and so now it feels like everything is just a mish mash sporadically placed here, there and everywhere, nothing really feels coherent anymore because I’ve dotted things in all these different places and now all I want to do is pick up a pen and write something, but I have nothing to write.
I started this blog as a way to share my writing, but instead of sharing it I’ve kind of let it take the place of my actual journal, if that makes sense – and now I’m in this big confusion of how to kind of undo that and ensure that I’m still able to do both things, because before I’m a blogger or a personality or…I don’t know, whatever I am, I am a writer. Before I am anything else, I am always a writer, and I don’t want to lose that.
I don’t know, I don’t even think this makes sense but I thought I’d say it anyway ’cause you know, that’s what this is here for.
(or is it?)
All my love,