stop breaking your own heart

Ever heard a certain song or came across a specific scent that makes you feel sick when you recognise it? Maybe it was something you associated with an ex or a ‘friend’ that ended up stabbing you in the back. There’s a lot of things that I personally find hard to associate with nowadays due to the bad memories / feelings surrounding it and so I avoid it at all costs, but what I’ve realised lately is that I do it to myself.

Subconsciously, I’ll blame someone for ruining something for me e.g. a song I used to love that I now can’t listen to because it reminds me of them. In my head I’m thinking it’s their fault, which is sort of true, but also…not really.

A lot of the time (this might be just me, I don’t know) I’ll associate things with people, even though that person is unaware. For example, I might hear a song and think wow, this really relates to my situation right now – and subconsciously I’ll attach it to a specific person.  I could then grow to hate that song, in the sense that it makes me feel sick / anxious / sad when I hear it because it makes me think of the person and that time in my life- I then can’t listen to it because it reminds me of them, even though it’s completely my own fault because I was the one who associated them with it in the first place – that person probably doesn’t even know the song exists.

The idea for this post came about because I took a jacket out of my wardrobe the other day that smelled of a certain perfume I used to wear when I was seeing this guy and instantly I felt sick and threw it in the wash. I then realised that I haven’t worn that specific perfume since because it fills me with so much anxiety and sadness that I can’t bear to wear it anymore, anytime I catch a whiff of it I feel sick. Is it the guy’s fault that I can’t wear my favourite perfume anymore? No, not really. Am I subconsciously in my head blaming him anyway though? Yeah.

I need to find the difference between avoiding things because they genuinely relate to something that happened in my life, and avoiding them because I myself have subconsciously associated them with things that I consider to be bad. For example, if I drove my car off a bridge (sorry to be dramatic) and a certain song was on the radio at that moment, chances are I wouldn’t be able to listen to it again afterwards because I’d be so traumatised from hearing it, on the other hand, if I was going through a breakup and a new TV series had started and I began watching it, I’d then class that series as a bad thing because every time I saw a clip of it or heard the theme tune I’d automatically think to myself, ‘that’s what I watched when I was going through my breakup’ and therefore, I probably wouldn’t be able to watch it again afterwards, meaning I’d ruined it for myself.

A lot of things have been ruined for me due to the latter and I was thinking to myself today…whose fault is it? Is it the other person’s? If I went on holiday and spent the whole time angry and sad because I’d fallen out with someone…is it their fault that my holiday was ruined? No, because I allowed it to happen. I allowed it to be ruined for myself, I was the one who went to bed early and spent the whole time miserable. Yes, I’d fallen out with someone, but they didn’t ruin my holiday – I allowed the feelings from that argument to stay with me for the duration of it, and that’s where I have to draw the line.

Take these 2 scenarios…

1). I wear a dress on a first date with my boyfriend of two years, he cheats on me with my best friend and we break up. Now I hate the dress because it’s significant – I wore it on our first ever date and can no longer bear to look at it as it reminds me of what he (and my best friend) did to me.

2). I wear a dress on a first date with a guy I was really into but we drifted and no longer speak anymore. I can’t wear the dress now because it makes me miss him which in turn, makes me sad.

I am the type of person that will always feel worse over scenario 2 than scenario 1, I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic and emotional…but scenario 2 is the reason for things being ruined for me 99% of the time – and for what reason?

I think it’s because it’s not necessarily associated with a bad memory (rather a happy one) and so it just makes me sad, it makes me miss something I used to have, it reminds me of a time I wish I could go back to and therefore, I don’t want to be reminded of it. I think that’s why I find it so hard, but if I ruin things for myself every time I’m sad about something…I’ll end up with nothing that makes me happy anymore.

I even find it hard to drive past places that I used to drive past with other people, it makes me sad and I can’t look and therefore I’ve again, ruined it for myself. I’m a person that remembers absolutely everything and it’s exhausting when sometimes you wish you could forget. But for me, there’s no escaping it.

Is it my ex best friend’s fault if I can’t drive by our favourite place anymore because it reminds me of when we used to spend time there? If she ruined our friendship by sleeping with my boyfriend then probably, yes. She’s classed as a bad person in my life now so she’s ruined that memory for me. If she moved across the country and we drifted so we no longer speak anymore then no, probably not. I’ve done that myself – I’ve ruined that experience / memory for myself.

See the difference?

I get sad and anxious about a lot of things, and a good 80% of the time it’s because I personally have associated it with something  that I think of as bad and so therefore, I’m ruining it for myself; it’s no one else’s fault but mine.

The world begins and ends when I say so; I need to stop allowing things to be ruined so easily just because my brain likes to associate them with things I’d rather not remember. You know that thing when you go through a breakup and then can’t even look at a water bottle without crying because you remember that time when your ex drank out of one 3 years ago.

Yeah, that’s me. I need to get over myself.

It actually gets to the point now where I’ll stay away from certain things that I love because I just think if I do this now, if I listen to this now, if I wear this now, if I share this with someone now…it could get ruined, and I don’t want that. I’m scared of embracing the things I love because I’m so fragile and know how easily I can ruin things for myself in the click of a finger. How crazy is that!

Note to self – Let bad memories be bad memories, if your boyfriend did cheat on you then go ahead and burn the damn dress, but if it reminds you of a guy you dated for 2 weeks that you no longer speak to anymore then keep it, wear it out again to replace the memory you associate it with. You love that dress Chlo, don’t ruin it for yourself. Of course, if it makes you feel better to still throw the dress out then do it. I’m all about doing whatever you need to in order to feel happy and okay again, but don’t let this be a rule for everything, stop ruining beautiful things for yourself, stop being scared to embrace the things you love because you know how easily you can ruin them. Change it. You decide whether you feel sad about it or not. You decide how you get to feel. Wear the dress, put on the perfume, listen to the song, drive by that place. If someone else hasn’t ruined it for you, don’t ruin it for yourself. Stop turning happy things into sad ones, stop associating it all with sad times in your life. They don’t have to be sad and neither do you.

“Stop thinking about everything so much. You’re breaking your own heart”.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

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28 thoughts on “stop breaking your own heart

  1. Pragati Chauhan says:

    Beautifully written. Have been there so I know how it feels. Every petite lane and song reminds you of the old memories and that can be sickening sometimes. Especially when you’ve been together for a long time, but if someone has been unkind to you then you need to move on. Don’t lower your self-esteem for someone who’ll never realise your worth. Lots of love 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hopelesswonderer says:

    I really enjoyed reading this post Chloe, theres so much emotion behind it so thanks for sharing. Sometimes you do need time to not wear a certain perfume or a certain dress, but it is about teaching yourself to love those things again!xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    I am super emotional in this way! When my ex moved abroad, I could no longer go anywhere near his old apartment. Or even the town we use to be in, and it was awkward because my friend was still there.
    And if I associate a particular thing with someone, let’s say karaoke with a person, if I don’t do that with that person anymore, then I no longer want to do it at all.
    I do think I am to blame though because I allow those thoughts to happen. At the same time, we’re a human and it’s natural to link things to people. It helps make sense of the world and add meaning.
    Now, I try to focus on the positives of all situations and try to think about the fact that good comes from everything – even the sad. Harder to do then say though. A beautiful post Chloe! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      It’s so crazy how much things can affect us, I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to push past it because at the end of the day I’m the one that has to live with it and so the quicker I can banish the bad feelings, the better. I think for me I need to re-associate happy things with whatever it is that makes me feel bad to try and replace those memories with good ones. I’m exactly the same as you and I’m glad I’m not alone in it, thank you so much for reading lovely! 💜xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hannah says:

    I didn’t realise I did this until I read this post. There are so many songs I no longer listen to or artists I no longer listen to because I associate bad memories with them. I think sometimes you need to force yourself to have good memories with them and remember times previously you have listened to the song without the bad memories. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Abi Babbles says:

    I loveee this!! I’m the exact same. Associating near enough everything, seeing something small and drifting into a memory daydream. I read a really interesting quote the other day – “What is anger?” “It is a punishment that we give our self, some someone else’s mistake.” Relating to your scenario one, we punish ourselves for others actions and that’s really quite sad xx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Indy Watson says:

    Aww this is absolutely so true. I was honestly just thinking about this earlier today, and was like “omg what if I’m listening to an awesome song when someone I know dies and then I’ll forever think of them when I hear the song” and then I was like …no matter what you do after you hear that you’ll have an association with them. But anyway, I think you make an excellent point and its someyhing we should all definitely think about before marking something as an item that triggers a bad memory

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you! A lot of the time for me it’s subconscious marking so I’m really trying to acknowledge everything I do now – if a certain thing gives me anxiety I need to know why! xx

      Like

  7. QueenTeen says:

    I really really loved this post – it was so relatable!! I totally get what you mean about choosing scenario 2 over 1, that’s a more painful kind of memory(not that the other one isn’t) if you get what I mean.
    I honestly just loved this post. It might just be a random train of thought, but it turned out to be an amazing post xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. crystalsandcurls says:

    I cannot tell you how much I love this. (I feel like thats literally my response to every single post of yours tbh) Overthinking is genuinely the quickest way to just kill off all your happiness… allowing the past to ruin your present is never a good idea xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. questionsfromateenager says:

    This speaks to me A LOT. I’ve done what you described too many times to even count and the only person who ends up more hurt than before is me. I think what I learned is that things are just things. They don’t change how I felt about a person and they don’t have to make me go through all of those negative emotions again. That’s my choice. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Exactly, it’s your choice. No one controls / takes responsibility for your life apart from you and you get to decide how you feel about things and how much they affect you. Thanks for reading lovely xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. seaofwordsx says:

    I think too much too and am breaking my heart in that way too. I loved this post so much 💜 It’s really beautiful. I also always associate things with people. When I smelled the parfum of my ex I could get sad. When I listened to some of my favourite songs which I listened with my ex I could cry and hated it. Now, I can listen to them and be happy and love them 💜 We are both just so romantic, emotional human beings. It’s brave to be soft in this dark world sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you lovely💜 It’s a hard spell to break but it affects so many people and it does nothing good for us, I’m definitely trying to change that for myself! I agree, it’s incredibly brave to be vulnerable in a world like this .xx

      Liked by 1 person

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