people are just people

Hi loves,

It’s a Friday night as I’m sat writing this (Saturday as I’m posting). I’m in my room by myself listening to slow music and thinking about everything that’s been going on in my life lately. For some reason (aka the universe), everyone and their grandma seems to have been coming back into my life lately. In a nutshell, what I mean by this, is that I have friendships / relationships with people, they die down and fade out in time whether after that’s 2 months or 2 years…and surely but inevitably, they always come back.

For some reason lately, everyone seems to have decided they want to come back into my life at the same time. Like I said, I don’t know what it is that the universe is trying to tell me but it’s definitely sent my mind into overdrive and so now here I am again, running over everything in my mind.

To put it bluntly, it’s like people enjoy my friendship / company for 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years etc. and then it dies down, fades out and we end up not speaking again – we’ve both accepted that that’s the end of it and therefore just get on with our lives. However, for some unknown reason, every single time, whether it be after 2 months…2 years…they come back into my life again because they say they miss me and were thinking about me and that I’m “irreplaceable”, which is why they came back.

Thinking about it all now, I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted by the whole thing. It’s like people think they can find better than me, whether that’s friendship wise or relationship wise and so they go off on other ventures and once they realise they were wrong, they come back and don’t want to leave.  Sometimes, this is after years –  especially with guys – guys that I haven’t spoken to for 2 / 3 years or had anything to do with during that time will sincerely hit me up because they want to talk and think we “had a connection”. Friends that faded out of my life as their replies got fewer and further between will message me saying they miss me and love me – yes it’s flattering to know that even after such prolonged periods of time people still think about you, but it’s also quite insulting as well and I’m getting tired of it.

I’m not really sure if I’m wording this correctly and I’m afraid this whole thing is going to come off as pretentious and bratty, but essentially what I’m saying is that I’m sick of people being in my life and then leaving it on their own accord – whether it’s because they fucked me over and I told them I wanted nothing to do with them or they just generally stopped talking and eventually faded out – regardless, they still come back months and years later because they want to be in my life again. But what do I say? I don’t need them anymore and it angers me because it’s like…once upon a time I would have done absolutely anything for you and you didn’t want it, and now you do but unfortunately, I don’t care anymore.

I think it’s the fact that I also wish I could kind of grab them by the shoulders and shake them like “yeah, all of this that you said you’re missing? You had it. You could have had it, but you didn’t. You fucked it up or decided that other people were more important instead and now you’ve suddenly realised you were wrong, it’s too late. Why couldn’t you have realised all of this when it was there? You could have had everything you so badly want right now – you had it in the palm of your hands and you decided to throw it away.”

One thing I’ve told / taught myself lately is that just because somebody wronged me, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They were just bad to me. There are people I have loved who have betrayed my trust and completely hurt me, but in general they’re extremely nice people. It made me realise that they weren’t a bad person, they were just bad to me. Make sense? I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I just need an understanding of the whole thing because it completely and utterly confuses me. Why do people who have fucked me over and clearly know they’re unwelcome in my life still have my number in their phone 3 years later so they can text me because they want to apologise and make amends in the hopes I’ll come back into their life again? Why do friends who have slowly lost interest in me and chosen not to be a part of my life anymore suddenly realise they made a mistake and want things to go “back to how they were” 2 years down the line?

I’m getting frustrated even just typing it. It’s like, I would have done anything for these people, I had so much love for them – I dedicated so much time and attention to them and the only one that ended up getting hurt at the end of it was me. My friendship, my time, my love, attention – me for fuck sake, was right there in front of them and they didn’t want it. You know the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone?”, it applies to all of them in this situation and the thing is, I don’t hate them or have anything against them for it, because I’m over it, but I almost wish I could say…what do you want me to do about it? What do you want me to say? What exactly are you expecting me to do when you realise that whatever you found in me, you couldn’t find in anybody else? It’s gone now. Done. It’s over. I’m a different person, I don’t need you and I’m sorry you feel like you still need me, but you had your chance and you missed it.

I don’t understand it and it’s so confusing, so so so confusing. I don’t understand people at all and I don’t understand why I feel guilty or sorry for them when things like this happen. Like I said, I feel like I should be flattered by the whole thing but I actually want to tell them to get on with their life and delete my number. It’s kind of like… why are you here, what do you want me to do about it? I’ve got all of these people in my life right now trying to worm their way back in because they so desperately want to have the same relationship with me that they did all that time ago, but things have changed and I don’t look at them in the same way anymore, I don’t need them anymore yet I’m somehow sat here feeling guilty about it, like I should have stayed the same person and not changed and just put my life on pause so I’d be ready to continue things where they left off once these people decided to come back. I don’t know how to turn them away because I feel sorry for them and like I want to give them what they need from me because they’ve apparently realised that they can’t find it in anyone else, but I just don’t have it for them anymore. I literally feel nothing.

I feel like I should apologise…like “I’m sorry you realised so late. I’m sorry you finally understood what valuable friendship / relationship you had in front of you a long time after you destroyed it. I’m sorry that time wasn’t on your side.”

I don’t hate or dislike these people, I just don’t need them in my life anymore. They’re just strangers I used to have memories with, you know? I think that’s why it’s hard and why I’m so confused about it all. I don’t want to tell them to get lost because like I said – I don’t hate them, I don’t feel anything for them, but I’m sat here wondering what I’m supposed to say…how I’m supposed to react. I don’t know what I can do for them. I don’t know what they’re expecting me to do for them. They want the thing back that they used to have and I can’t give it to them because I no longer feel it – I don’t feel anything for them anymoreI don’t know what they want me to do because whatever it is, they will never have it – someone else will now.

Maybe in another lifetime things could have been different, maybe if I was the same girl I would have forgiven you and allowed you back into my life with open arms and maybe even right now if I still felt something I’d wish I could click my fingers and fix it all, but I can’t. It’s over. I was there, and now I’m gone. Now it’s my turn to look you in the eye and tell you that I no longer feel anything because in time I have genuinely gotten over it all, now my mind just recognises you as somebody that I used to know.

Whatever it is you found in me and realised you couldn’t find in anyone else no longer belongs to you, someone else will get that chance now. I’m sorry it was too late and that I couldn’t give you what you needed anymore when you realised no one else was going to make you feel the same way.

I’m sorry, but I’m not. 

There’s nothing else I can do for you. My heart doesn’t feel a thing.

I wish them the best and hope they find whatever it is they’re looking for – I hope they find another me. Hopefully this time they will realise what they have in front of them, while they still have it.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

 

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20 thoughts on “people are just people

  1. seaofwordsx says:

    Wow beautiful written post ❤️ Damn, it made me realize about my relationships with friends. Some friendships just faded and I remember a time a friend hurt me and she wanted to come back and I was like no way. Sometimes I also feel guilty and bad that I didn’t give it another chance but you are so right. You gave it all and they destroyed it and don’t deserve it anymore. I love this sentence of you: “They’re just strangers I used to have memories with”. So true. At the end it’s better to have a few good friends than million of fake ones who are only there when they need you

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you lovely girl! It really makes you think doesn’t it – once I kind of stepped outside it all to view it from a different perspective I was like hang on a second…this is actually all quite insulting. I couldn’t agree with you more!! ❤xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Kaitlyn says:

    Chloe, you deserve so many beautiful and joyful things; people, experiences and moments. I’m sorry that these people hurt so much. You deserve so much more, and I admire your strength at knowing what you are worth immensely ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Abi Babbles says:

    I really relate to this. I give 100% of myself to everyone I have relationships with and never get the same in return. I’m so proud that you want to tell these people to turn back the other way, I’m so guilty of letting people back in time and time again..

    Lovely post as always, these are my favourite posts of yours to read because they’re so personal and such deep thoughts xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • hell0chloe says:

      In an odd way it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that feels the same as this – I too am guilty of letting people back in time and time again but the last time it happened to me I told myself that I would never let it happen again, and I haven’t. I’m really glad you enjoy these posts and thank you so much for saying that – I fell off the bandwagon a bit recently and hadn’t written / posted one of these in what felt like forever and I really missed it. Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. hopelesswonderer says:

    thanks for sharing this Chloe, its so hard when someone who means so much to you, hardly makes the effort and suddenly leaves, yes it takes two for interaction, but also sometimes its nice to feel wanted and have that appreciation, think for yourself, sometimes its worth to be selfish! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. erinmaeve says:

    Aaah I relate to this so much! A few years ago, my ex boyfriend got back in touch with me. We had ended on nice terms but I hadn’t gotten any closure. We hadn’t spoken for 2 years and all of a sudden he popped back up in my facebook messenger saying we should meet. I was kinda still in love with him (it took me ages to get over him, pathetic) so we met up and it was really weird? A bit awkward. Yet he still kept wanting to hang out and for me, it was too painful because it brought back all of these memories and I really wanted us to get back together or just be nothing. It was all or nothing for me. So, I was brave and told him ‘I can’t be friends with you unless you feel the same as me’ and he said we should take it slow and see how it went. I saw him a final time after that and it was still painfully awkward, so I decided to just move on. He messaged me asking how uni was going, and I replied, he asked me another question, I ignored him and forgot to reply. I suppose I ghosted him in the end but by accident?! I just realised I was bored of waiting on him and didn’t want to be hurt all over again and if he really wanted to be with me, he’d make it happen. Good for you for moving on and being so positive about it – you deserve so much more 🙂 sorry for the long post btw.

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Don’t be sorry at all, I love reading long comments! Thank you for taking the time out to read my ramblings! Honestly, you should be so proud of yourself for what you did – you handled the situation perfectly and like you said, if he really wanted to be with you, he’d make it happen. Some people just like having their options open and knowing that certain doors are still open if they ever need it, it’s kind of like an ego boost for themselves I suppose, and you deserve so much better than waiting around for people who can’t decide whether they want you or not. It sounds like he just wanted smug confirmation that you still felt something for him and you have absolutely no time for that, well done for ending it – even if you did ghost him accidentally, sometimes there’s just nothing more to say. It took you a long time to get over him and maybe meeting up with him was actually a good thing, it showed that you didn’t need him anymore and now you can move on properly. Well done girl xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. crystalsandcurls says:

    I cannot tell you how much I love this – and how much I love that you aren’t just letting these people back into your life. Forgiveness and moving on (which is exactly what you’ve done) is, in my opinion, always the best way to deal with shit, or you’re going to be dragging around negativity and nonsense for no real reason … but forgiveness doesn’t mean letting people back into the fold. In my experience, it usually means the opposite – exactly how you phrased it, wishing them no ill will, but just regarding them as people you used to know. In all honesty, I find it really self-centred of people when they do this – like my life doesn’t revolve around you, I’m not going to jump for joy and usher you in the door the first time you hit me up. Especially if it’s been years, life progresses – nobody’s stuck in the past but you :/ I love your perspective on the whole thing – take it as flattery, feel a bit smug (I mean, girl you KNOW you’re irreplaceable, but it’s nice to have it confirmed 😉 ) and be happy that you’ve moved on xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Girl you are the best hahaha, that made me smile. COMPLETELY agree with forgiving these people and moving on, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised it hurts and holds me back more to actually dislike them and hold a grudge against them rather than just forgive them and let it go – that’s the way for me to truly be free from it and it works. Age and insight is a wonderful thing. Like you said, forgiveness doesn’t mean letting them back in which is something I used to struggle with because I used to think to myself “if I forgive them, that means I’ve let them win, that means I’ve told them that what they did was okay…” and it isn’t – it doesn’t have to mean that at all. It means I forgive you enough to let myself be free and move on from it, because I love and respect myself enough to let it go. So glad you feel the same in that people are self centred by doing it, I never really knew how to act and like I said, I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted by when you look at the bigger picture it’s not a compliment at all, it’s just selfish on their part.Thank you for your wonderful insight as always and of course, it’s good to be irreplaceable right?! 😉xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. questionsfromateenager says:

    Chloe… This is beautifully written and painfully relatable to me. I always get so confused when people (with whom I haven’t talked to in years) hit me up out of the blue acting like we’re still best friends even though THEY decided to quit the friendship. I hate that they always just expect you to welcome them back with open arms like nothing ever happened. What I’ve realised about a lot of those people is that their coming back years later is not always about me. Sometimes it’s purely about them trying to reclaim something of their “old selves” that they lost. Often I think they’re probably just lonely. Like you, I always struggled with what to say to them. What can even be said at that point? However, over time I just learnt to be polite and nothing else. Sure, I could rant about how it was their fault from the start, that the ship has sailed… But digging up those painful feelings from the past always seems to hurt me the most. So now I’m polite but firm in my letting them know that times have changed. I have changed. But they remain exactly the same. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • hell0chloe says:

      Thank you so much angel, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that feels this way! It’s so confusing because like you said – they were the ones that decided to quit the friendship!! I don’t understand why people leave off their own accord and then suddenly decide it was the wrong decision and expect you to act like nothing’s changed. Very insightful about what you said regarding it not being about you personally, I’ve never fully looked into it from that viewpoint and you’re completely right, maybe it is just about them trying to reclaim something they lost, I agree though, I think a lot of the time it is because they’re just lonely – but what do you say to that? “I’m sorry you feel that way” ????! Like you, I’m civil with them but nothing else, I have nothing left to say to them but I think to myself it’s better for me to just be civil and let it lie rather than try to dislike them and hold a grudge – that’s not something that makes me feel at peace .xx

      Liked by 2 people

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