It’s a Friday night as I’m sat writing this (Saturday as I’m posting). I’m in my room by myself listening to slow music and thinking about everything that’s been going on in my life lately. For some reason (aka the universe), everyone and their grandma seems to have been coming back into my life lately. In a nutshell, what I mean by this, is that I have friendships / relationships with people, they die down and fade out in time whether that’s after 2 months or 2 years…and surely but inevitably, they always come back.
For some reason lately, everyone seems to have decided they want to come back into my life at the same time. Like I said, I don’t know what it is that the universe is trying to tell me but it’s definitely sent my mind into overdrive and so now here I am again, running over everything in my mind.
To put it bluntly, it’s like people enjoy my friendship / company for 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years etc. and then it dies down, fades out and we end up not speaking again – we’ve both accepted that that’s the end of it and therefore just get on with our lives. However, for some unknown reason, every single time, whether it be after 2 months…2 years…they come back into my life again because they say they miss me and were thinking about me and that I’m “irreplaceable”, which is why they came back.
Thinking about it all now, I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted by the whole thing. It’s like people want to go and find better, whether that’s friendship wise or relationship wise and so they go off on other ventures and once they realise they were wrong, they come back and don’t want to leave. Sometimes, this is after years – especially with guys – guys that I haven’t spoken to for 2 / 3 years or had anything to do with during that time will sincerely hit me up because they want to talk and think we “had a connection”. Friends that faded out of my life as their replies got fewer and further between will message me saying they miss me and love me – yes it’s flattering to know that even after such prolonged periods of time people still think about you, but it’s also quite insulting as well and I’m getting tired of it.
I’m not really sure if I’m wording this correctly and I’m afraid this whole thing is going to come off as pretentious and bratty, but essentially what I’m saying is that I’m sick of people being in my life and then leaving it on their own accord – whether it’s because they fucked me over and I told them I wanted nothing to do with them or they just generally stopped talking and eventually faded out – regardless, they still come back months and years later because they want to be in my life again. But what do I say? I don’t need them anymore and it angers me because it’s like…once upon a time I would have done absolutely anything for you and you didn’t want it, and now you do but unfortunately, I don’t care anymore.
I think it’s the fact that I also wish I could kind of grab them by the shoulders and shake them like “yeah, all of this that you said you’re missing? You had it. You could have had it, but you didn’t. You fucked it up or decided that other people were more important instead and now you’ve suddenly realised you were wrong, it’s too late. Why couldn’t you have realised all of this when it was there? You could have had everything you so badly want right now – you had it in the palm of your hands and you decided to throw it away.”
One thing I’ve told / taught myself lately is that just because somebody wronged me, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They were just bad to me. There are people I have loved who have betrayed my trust and completely hurt me, but in general they’re extremely nice people. It made me realise that they weren’t a bad person, they were just bad to me. Make sense? I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I just need an understanding of the whole thing because it completely and utterly confuses me. Why do people who have fucked me over and clearly know they’re unwelcome in my life still have my number in their phone 3 years later so they can text me because they want to apologise and make amends in the hopes I’ll come back into their life again? Why do friends who have slowly lost interest in me and chosen not to be a part of my life anymore suddenly realise they made a mistake and want things to go “back to how they were” 2 years down the line?
I’m getting frustrated even just typing it. It’s like, I would have done anything for these people, I had so much love for them – I dedicated so much time and attention to them and the only one that ended up getting hurt at the end of it was me. My friendship, my time, my love, attention – me for fuck sake, was right there in front of them and they didn’t want it. You know the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone?”, it applies to all of them in this situation and the thing is, I don’t hate them or have anything against them for it, because I’m over it, but I almost wish I could say…what do you want me to do about it? What do you want me to say? What exactly are you expecting me to do when you realise that whatever you found in me, you couldn’t find in anybody else? It’s gone now. Done. It’s over. I’m a different person, I don’t need you and I’m sorry you feel like you still need me, but you had your chance and you missed it.
I don’t understand it and it’s so confusing, so so so confusing. I don’t understand people at all and I don’t understand why I feel guilty or sorry for them when things like this happen. Like I said, I feel like I should be flattered by the whole thing but I actually want to tell them to get on with their life and delete my number. It’s kind of like… why are you here, what do you want me to do about it? I’ve got all of these people in my life right now trying to worm their way back in because they so desperately want to have the same relationship with me that they did all that time ago, but things have changed and I don’t look at them in the same way anymore, I don’t need them anymore yet I’m somehow sat here feeling guilty about it, like I should have stayed the same person and not changed and just put my life on pause so I’d be ready to continue things where they left off once these people decided to come back. I don’t know how to turn them away because I feel sorry for them and like I want to give them what they need from me because they’ve apparently realised that they can’t find it in anyone else, but I just don’t have it for them anymore. I literally feel nothing.
I feel like I should apologise…like “I’m sorry you realised so late. I’m sorry you finally understood what valuable friendship / relationship you had in front of you a long time after you destroyed it. I’m sorry that time wasn’t on your side.”
I don’t hate or dislike these people, I just don’t need them in my life anymore. They’re just strangers I used to have memories with, you know? I think that’s why it’s hard and why I’m so confused about it all. I don’t want to tell them to get lost because like I said – I don’t hate them, I don’t feel anything for them, but I’m sat here wondering what I’m supposed to say…how I’m supposed to react. I don’t know what I can do for them. I don’t know what they’re expecting me to do for them. They want the thing back that they used to have and I can’t give it to them because I no longer feel it – I don’t feel anything for them anymore. I don’t know what they want me to do because whatever it is, they will never have it – someone else will now.
Maybe in another lifetime things could have been different, maybe if I was the same girl I would have forgiven you and allowed you back into my life with open arms and maybe even right now if I still felt something I’d wish I could click my fingers and fix it all, but I can’t. It’s over. I was there, and now I’m gone. Now it’s my turn to look you in the eye and tell you that I no longer feel anything because in time I have genuinely gotten over it all, now my mind just recognises you as somebody that I used to know.
Whatever it is you found in me and realised you couldn’t find in anyone else no longer belongs to you, someone else will get that chance now. I’m sorry it was too late and that I couldn’t give you what you needed anymore when you realised no one else was going to make you feel the same way.
I’m sorry, but I’m not.
There’s nothing else I can do for you. My heart doesn’t feel a thing.
I wish them the best and hope they find whatever it is they’re looking for – I hope they find another me. Hopefully this time they will realise what they have in front of them, while they still have it.
All my love,