the jawbreaker tag

Hi angels,

If you didn’t know already, I freaking love The Messy Heads – Emma & Cybelle are both angels and they were the first people that inspired me all those years ago to start becoming the person I really wanted to be – a free spirit with a lot of questions and a wandering mind. I remember watching Emma’s videos for the first time and thinking wow, there’s actually someone out there like me – there’s someone else asking the important questions and wanting to discover her place in the world.

So today I present to you, the Jawbreaker tag – a bunch of questions they created for us to answer and of course, that’s what I’m going to do. They always have the best, most interesting questions that really make you think, so naturally I knew I was going to love answering them. Here we go…

☼

Who are you when no one is looking?
Messy. I laze around in baggy oversized clothes with my hair down and no makeup on, I wear hoop earrings and lots of rings, just because. I’m loud and I sing and dance around a lot and I crack jokes out loud to myself, because I think I’m hilarious. I read books and watch documentaries, I write and create and try to educate myself on things – I write it all in notebooks and I love people from afar.

What does it mean to be you?
I don’t know how to answer that question just yet, because I don’t even really know what it feels like to be me – I haven’t found her yet, I’m still looking. I guess being me means being free and unapologetic for who I am.

How might friends describe you?
My friend already described me once before actually, and she said this…

“Chloe is bushy eyebrows and eyeliner, she constantly plays with her hair, she is complicated, hard work, annoying and demanding when she hits you in the middle of the night insisting that you trace over her arm… and yet she is everything I’d ever want her to be. Chloe inspires change. She encourages you to be yourself and not only to follow your dreams but to work towards the person you want to be without making you feel like you aren’t good enough exactly how you already are. Chloe is fiercely loyal, this is because as long as you are good to Chloe she will always be good to you; she will stick by you through thick and thin and let absolutely nothing get in the way of your friendship. If you give Chloe 100% she will give 200% back to you.

Chloe is passionate; one of her deepest loves, apart from her love for her dog, is literature whether it be writing her thoughts out, creating literature or reading. Chloe is an amazing writer who either writes 1 word or 4 pages. However, for as much as she is a good writer, she is an even better thinker. She has an intricate and blooming mind that creates some of the most interesting and at the same time some of the silliest things I have ever heard which can make me laugh until my jaw hurts. Chloe is the one that I have stayed up until 5 am with many nights, dancing, talking, crying but mostly laughing. She has a toothy grin, and she does not laugh. She guffaws. Her laugh is infectious.

Chloe is a muse to me, she is a constant presence. She’s a confidant; no thought is too stupid. She is also a calming energy in my life who can always be trusted to have a calming song to hand. Chloe is unique and neat too, she always has perfect nails and tiers of rings adorning her fingers. She reminds me of pressed flowers and journals. Vinyl records, floral patterns and the colour pink.”

How does that differ from who you actually are?
I feel like my friend got it pretty spot on, which delights me because it’s exactly the way I want other people to see me, so to know that I comes across that way is nice. Obviously, I think a lot less of myself than the way she described me, but that’s just a confidence thing I guess.

Talk about your hardships…
Loneliness is a big one for me, ever since I lost my best friend, the past 5 years have been incredibly lonely on the inside, I still don’t really feel like I belong anywhere and I’m trying to find a place I fit in, but I can’t seem to. It’s like, there’s so much of me and I don’t really know what to do with it. I also struggle a lot with anxiety and the way I see myself.

How much of you is a secret to the outside?
Honestly? 90%. That may sound unrealistic but genuinely, I’m an extremely reserved person and no one knows anything about me really, a lot of people call me mysterious and cryptic, as well as being incredibly hard to read. I used to like being told those things and having people view me that way but the novelty wears off pretty quickly, the scary thing about it is that I wasn’t even trying, which I guess just shows how closed off I really am.

Do you think you know yourself right now?
Yes and no. I know myself more now than I ever have before because every day I’m growing and changing, but I’m trying to find a place I can put it all down – I don’t really know what to do with it, so in that sense I’m incredibly lost and need guidance, I guess.

What are you passionate about?
Feminism, art, love, poetry, writing, literature, people being whoever the fuck they want to be, freedom, liberation, equality.

How do you think about where you grew up?
I still live in the place I grew up so I probably have a different view on it than I would if I didn’t live here anymore, but it holds a lot of memories, obviously. Some memories are meant to stay in the past though.

Talk about a moment that changed you…
The death of my best friend, I don’t think there’s any need to expand on that.

What is your greatest attribute?
I’m really fucking funny. I might not be the prettiest or the skinniest or whatever else people are into these days, but I’m funny. I have a good sense of humour.

What is your biggest accomplishment?
Still being alive, probably. I’m still here living and breathing and thinking, I think that’s the biggest accomplishment I could ever have.

What is your biggest failure?
Body dysmorphia, eating disorders, depression. I couldn’t be the person I was supposed to be.

Do you love yourself? Why or why not?
I love myself but I worry too much about whether other people love me too, which then makes me beat myself up for not being the right thing. It’s a cycle.

Do you believe in yourself?
If I didn’t, then who would? I’m gonna save the whole world.

What is your first thought in the morning?
Holy shit, why am I awake right now.

Who are you at the core of yourself?
A wild moonchild with long hair, bushy eyebrows, a freckled face and wild eyes. A girl with sunkissed skin who howls at the moon, full of love and light.

What are you trying to do with your life?
Fulfil it, experience as many things as I can and remember it. Meet people, learn things and feel alive. Make change for the better.

What advice do you have to give?
You can never stop learning, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Have you found yourself?
I’m on my way, not quite there yet. It’s a long journey.

What does society prevent you from being?
Myself, necessarily. I’m not brave enough to fully be myself without fear of judgement just yet, so I stay quiet.

What do others assume about you because of your appearance?
I have an extremely serious face and I’m inside my own head a lot, I also do a lot of people watching so because of that I’d assume people may perceive me as being cold –  I watch and listen, but I don’t say much.

☼

And there we have it! I hope this post allowed you to get to know a little more about me (and that it wasn’t too deep for a Saturday afternoon), I’d love to hear your answers if you want to answer any of these in the comments! ♡

All my love,

Chloe .xx