Do any of you ever get to a point in life where you just sit there thinking…what now?
Lately I’ve been so bored of life – of everything in general. Everything is boring the hell out of me, society, social media, day to day life…I’ve been throwing myself into the arts more now than ever – reading, writing, drawing, painting, listening to music etc. I’ve literally just been closed off in my own little world reading and writing and drawing and painting for hours because everything else seems mundane in comparison – day to day life and the way people live, it’s just boring me. I’d rather live in my own little world instead and believe that everything is magical, which it is.
As much as I’m enjoying living in my own little bubble though, there’s still something missing. It’s like, I’m creating and creating and creating but there’s still something not quite right, like I’m waiting for something big to happen or some kind of end result, but there isn’t one. Does that make sense? It’s like I’m doing all of these things to fill time for this bigger thing that’s supposedly going to happen and obviously, there’s nothing there. I don’t know, maybe I’m rambling. I’m trying to create a life for myself that’s filled with art basically, in every form, but the things I’m doing right now only seem small in comparison to this bigger thing that it’s all leading up to, but I don’t know what that is exactly, and I don’t really know much else.
What does it all lead up to? What is all of this leading up to? If I knew, I could aid myself along a little – get a head start, help myself with the process, but I have no idea. I don’t know what this bigger, greater thing is and so for now I stick with my writing and my creating and all of the other little things that go with it, but I know it must amount to something bigger because these little creative things can’t just be it forever, right? There must be a bigger creative thing out there – a bigger thing that it all amounts to, and I believe it’s different for every person. I just don’t know what it is for me yet, but I wish I did because I can’t help but think there’s always something bigger and more creative that I could be doing. Instead of writing things in my journal or on my blog, where else could I be writing them? What else could I be doing with all these thoughts and feelings I have, where else could I be putting them? Get what I mean?
I don’t know, my head is a little jumbled right now but I wanted to say this and hopefully you’ll understand what I mean, I want to live a life of art which I am doing right now through shutting out reality and living in my own little artistic creative dreamworld, but I wish I knew what it all amounted to in the end. I wish I knew what it would count for – my mind can’t help but wonder.
All my love,