freedom & being fierce

Hi loves,

I wrote this in August of last year and never got around to posting it, but I thought I would today. I thought maybe someone might need to read it. Let’s have a discussion in the comments ♡

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I’ve been feeling extremely fierce lately. I feel like there could be anger bubbling up inside of me and instead of turning that into a negative thing or letting it evolve into hatred, it’s made me become fierce.

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. I’m only 19 but I feel as though I’ve hit a brick wall and can’t get past it, I don’t know what’s next. There’s so many things I want to do, so many people I want to meet, so many experiences I want to have yet what am I doing? I’m in a 9-5 job doing the same routine every day, I live in a country with grey, miserable weather, I spend most of my time indoors due to my job and I have no one that I connect with on any sort of level (creative etc.)  and I just think, what am I doing with my life? Where is it going? I know the argument is that I’m only 19, I’m not even out of my teenage years yet and I’m aware of this however, I’m also aware of the fact that I’m wasting so much time. I’m not doing anything, I’m not feeling anything or experiencing anything and I want to. I need to. I’m such a creative person and a free spirit yet I’m trapped by the confinements of what is now my everyday life, doing the same monotonous thing every day, waiting for the weekend to arrive only to feel disheartened about how much time I’m wasting and the fact I’m not doing anything with it. I don’t feel like I should have to feel this drained so young, so what can I do? I’m stuck, I’m at a point where I’ve ticked off most of the things that people generally would like to achieve I think – good qualifications? tick. get your driver’s license? tick. get a stable, well paying job? tick. get your own car? tick.

The next thing on the list would be to move out, get married, start a family & have kids. Etc. Etc. The usual. I’m 19 and don’t need to move out, as much as I would love my own space I don’t need to rent out my own place and spend money just to prove a point if you like. I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want children yet and so where does this leave me?

I’ve realised none of these things mean anything to me, they’re not fulfilling me. They’re not feeding my soul. I yearn for freedom, experience, nature, simplicity, real connections and creativity. Something that I’m definitely not getting where I am right now, people say to just stick it out but I’ve been doing that for years now and it’s honestly draining the life out of me. I feel so numb, so lifeless. Nothing is making me happy, nothing is making me feel anything, it’s all just the same old same old. I feel like a flower that’s slowly wilting away because I’m not turning my face towards the sun. I’m not getting the things I need in order to grow.

So what do I do I hear you ask? Run away to a foreign country with beautiful weather? Cut my hair and move across the world to a place where no one knows my name? I don’t know is the answer. I don’t know.

I could travel and move somewhere, but the problem is that things cost money, and also as a 19 year old girl I’d rather not travel to foreign territories on my own where I can’t speak the language and have no idea what I’m doing. As much as the dream is still alive and kicking, I do have to come back down to Earth for a little while to consider the practicalities. Yes I can buy a plane ticket or get a visa (which costs a lot in the first place), but then how am I going to sustain myself? How do I guarantee myself a job? Even if I do get one, is it going to be a sustainable income? Am I going to be safe? Can I afford to rent somewhere on my own or will I have to move in with strangers? There are so many things to consider and at 19 I’m not ready to do that solely by myself just yet. Which then attracts the point of maybe I’m not as ready as I think I am – but I am ready to go and to be free, I’d just rather go and do that with another person at this moment in time. Maybe in a few years when I’ve gained more life experience then I’ll embark on this journey by myself but as of right now, I’d love a companion. The problem? I don’t have one, and even if I did – there’s a good chance their circumstances would be different to mine and they wouldn’t be able to just get up and leave everything in the click of a finger.

People make it look so easy, but when you try to be realistic about these things it doesn’t feel that way at all, and I think that’s what makes me a little angry. That’s why I’m feeling fierce, determined. Am I supposed to sit here just simply existing and not feeling anything? Embarking on the same routine, every day, every week for the next however many years? Surrounded by grey skies and gloomy weather, feeling like the life and soul is being drained out of me day by day? I don’t want to. It’s not fair on myself, it’s not fair on any of the other people who feel this way and want to get out. But what can I do? People say you always have a choice, but do you?

I want to take the chance, of course I do. But it’s not as simple as ‘girl frees herself from dead end life and travels across the world on wild adventure to find freedom’. People make it look that way, but in reality, it’s not that simple.

Or maybe it is, maybe I’m over thinking and complicating things much more than they need to be, maybe I won’t run out of money, maybe I won’t have to share a room with strangers, maybe I’ll find a suitable job and it won’t take me months to meet people and find friends, maybe I won’t find it difficult to catch a flight to the other side of the world on my own when I used to find it hard to even catch the bus. I don’t know. When I say I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing, I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like if I had someone to embark on and share this journey with; all of these worries would go away. But again, I don’t have anybody and I don’t feel like I will for a long time, definitely not anywhere in the near future. So what’s left to do?

One of the reasons I started this blog is because I needed a creative outlet, all I ever do is write, whether that’s about people or poetry or just journal entries to capture how I’m feeling in that moment. My books are completely filled with words, drawings, polaroids, pressed flowers etc. I’m constantly creating. I wanted to put that somewhere, to mark it down and to share it with other people, so here I am. I’m really enjoying it and appreciate the fact it allows me to write things like this in the hopes that other people will read it and maybe feel the same way I do, it’s a big world out there and it feels even bigger when you’re by yourself. I can’t find my people, I can’t seem to find people that I connect with on that level and I’m not sure what to do, I want to become the girl I know I can be but I’m finding it hard when it feels like there are obstacles constantly blocking my way.

I hope this post didn’t sound too depressing or angry, I definitely didn’t intend for it to come across that way but reading back over it, I can’t help but feel like it did. I’m just a bit tired of the same old same old and needed somewhere to put my thoughts. If you’ve read this far then thank you, I appreciate you for taking the time to listen to me.

Maybe in a few months or a few years I’ll be that girl on the other side of the world living the life she’s always dreamed of and becoming the person she’s always wanted to be, but for now I guess I’ll have to stay right where I am whilst I try to figure it out.

All my love,

Chloe .xx