I have no idea what I’m doing

Hi loves,

So, I haven’t sat down and actually written a blog post for what seems like a while (I’ve just been posting drafts I’ve had saved) because I feel like I’ve had a headache for a week straight and I’m a little all over the place.

Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve had the attention span of a goldfish lately, I can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and keep getting distracted by absolutely everything. I start watching a Youtube video or a documentary on Netflix and I have to keep pausing it every 5 minutes because I’m thinking of other things instead. I start playing a song and then turn it off after 20 seconds because I’ve thought of something else I want to listen to instead. I feel like I’m five years old.

But I’m working with it, I’m not getting frustrated, I’m just feeling a bit bleh…like I can’t really commit to doing anything because I know that just as soon as I’ve started, I’m going to stop. Do you ever feel like nothing ever really seems to happen in your life and then all of a sudden everything decides to happen at once? I kind of feel like that at the moment and I guess it’s just thrown me off a bit, trying to work through it whilst having lots of realisations and then trying to figure out what I’m going to do after having said realisations, but at the same time still feeling like I’m standing completely still and nothing’s happening at all. Very weird. I’m fine though, I’m not feeling sad or angry or anything – just normal, but still everything is weird right now. I keep saying I’m going to throw myself into books and that’s what I’ve been doing. Books don’t let you down, they just let you be. Even though I’ve had a crappy attention span lately, I have actually been managing to pay attention to books, which is something I was struggling with beforehand and now I’m not. Like I said, weird. I think it’s because it allows my brain to switch off and stop thinking about stuff and rather just get sucked into the fictitious world I’m reading about, which I like very much. I’ve also been finding some new Booktubers on Booktube and watching their videos, as well as spending too much time on Goodreads. Lots of reading, basically. Like I said in my last post, I’ve been using my phone less and figuring out how to work around that too. On Saturday night I just switched it off and put it in a drawer and ended up sleeping like a baby – I had no alarm set for Sunday morning so I could afford to switch it off but now that we’re back to weekdays I’m having to leave it on again otherwise I won’t get up for work. Still figuring out how to work around that one.

I unfollowed lots of people on Instagram as I felt like my feed was clogged up with nothingness and also deleted a lot of numbers from my phone, which I do regularly (and probably shouldn’t), it also shoots me in the foot in a way because these people text me afterwards and I have to try and figure out who they are, which on one side is also kind of fun. Who knows, I feel like I’m a walking paradox lately. Internally conflicted about everything. Either at one end of the spectrum or the other, but constantly changing my mind about which end I want to be at. I think there was a new moon at some point too so maybe that’s got something to do with it, I feel like I am the whole universe and so every time something in it realigns and changes, so do I. I probably sound insane, but I’ve learned the best of us are.

I was talking about death with someone last week and they said that because they were older they had to make the most of everything as they never knew when their last day was going to be, I said to be fair, I could also die tomorrow, too. That’s when they looked at me, shook their head and smiled, they said

“No,
the devil looks after his own.”

Is it weird that I’ve never felt like I belonged somewhere more than in that moment?

I’ve been listening to the same album on repeat thinking about a time in my life I wish I could go back to whilst also not being able to get out of it, it’s like half of me is in one place and the other half is in another. I keep having random thoughts for no reason other than curiosity and when I Googled them it told me I was suicidal. I’m not. So I guess I’ll have to deal without answers for now, if anything I think it gave me more questions, which I don’t want to answer.

Is it weird if someone pours out their internal thoughts and conflicts onto a page? Does that weird people out or does it make them glad that someone else feels the same? I’m not sure. I feel like people aren’t real enough these days, they’re always hiding something. So am I, I have so many secrets and things I would never say out loud which leads to a lot of people misunderstanding me, which I guess I don’t mind either. How strange it is that all it would take would be a link to this blog and they’d understand me better, yet I don’t want to give it to them. If they find it then hi, if not then I guess they’ll never know.

I want you guys to feel like you know me, which is why I write all of these things here, because I don’t mind you hearing them. There’s something nice about being able to throw all of my thoughts into the abyss and know that they can’t come back on me, if that makes sense. They just get thrown out there and float, not doing anything.

I know this post won’t have made sense as it’s just me putting my thoughts out there, but I feel like I needed to write them down anyway, just because. Like I said, I’m not sad either, I’m pretty fine right now, just lots going on in my head. Sometimes I think my mind is too big.

All my love,

Chloe .xx