As I was lying in bed last night trying to drift off to sleep, my mind was wandering (as always) and I was kind of just analysing everything that’s present in my life right now, and I had this realisation.
A lot of these realisations are weird because I’ve always known / been aware of most of them, just never enough to coherently put them into words in a way that enables them to be understood – when I finally do manage to piece everything together in a way that makes sense, my realisation is born.
Anyway, my realisation was that everything in my life is either all or nothing. My mood is either ecstatic or completely low, with food I’m either starving myself or eating everything in sight, I either want long hair or a shaven head – basically, it’s either 100mph or nothing because for some reason, I’m just not comfortable with having things in-between. For some reason, I can never just be in the middle, and this also applies to people and my relationships with them.
There are a lot of people in my life who I no longer speak to because I couldn’t deal with speaking to them all day every day and so the only answer seemed to be not speaking to them at all. Like I said, it’s either all or nothing and last night as I was lying in bed I was just thinking…why is this?
If I’m speaking to a guy it’s either okay we’re doing this because we’re going to get into a relationship and if we’re not then why are we even speaking at all, and this doesn’t just solely come from me in these circumstances – it comes from them too, and last night I just had this whole realisation of why can’t we just be in the middle? Just friends? Why can’t we be something in-between?
Like I said, I have friends who I no longer speak to because speaking all day every day was too much and so we no longer speak at all…but why couldn’t we just be in the middle? Why couldn’t we just speak every couple of days or every week, or just check up on each other every so often to see how the other was doing or ask if we wanted to hang out?
I’m a very impulsive and reckless person in the sense that my anxiety gets the better of me and completely overrules my mind – I can’t deal with the ‘in-between’ as I call it – I have to know exactly what’s what therefore I’m either at one end or the other, I can’t have things in my life just aimlessly wandering around in the middle somewhere not really knowing what they are or what they mean, so I know that this fear of being in the middle comes from that, but it’s almost as if other people seem to go along with it too therefore it’s almost become normal to me in a sense, because no one else seems to find it weird – it seems to be their ideal of normal too.
But why is this? Why is it deemed normal to either talk 24/7 or not at all? Why can we never just be in the middle? Last night I was missing one of my friends (who I no longer speak to because it was too much to talk 24/7 and so then we ended up just not speaking at all) but something happened that I wanted to tell them and I was hit with the reality of “oh, I can’t tell them that because we don’t speak anymore.”
But the thing is, there’s no reason for us not to speak anymore – I have no animosity or ill feelings towards any of these people, we just couldn’t seem to find the middle and so we decided not to bother at all…but that’s crazy. As I was realising the whole thing I just realised how stupid it was – why am I so scared of being in the middle? For example, why can I not diet like a normal person – why do I have to either starve or eat everything in sight? I’m so impulsive that everything in my life is either on one side or the other – I have to have everything defined otherwise I don’t want to know about it and it can’t be in my life, but that’s so ridiculous and damaging. I’m missing out on relationships with so many people because of my inability to just be in the middle with them – to just be friends who speak once in a while rather than all day every day. Why can’t I be in the middle?
And the answer is I don’t know. I know it’s rooted somewhere in my past probably to do with anxiety and just general life experiences, so I’m gonna have to do some digging, but I just kind of wanted to talk about it because it helps to get everything down on (electronic) paper and hey, maybe there’s someone else reading this thinking wait…I think I do that too, this sounds exactly like me.
I’ve just read over everything I’ve said here and a lot of it is really badly written (and repetitive) but honestly right now I can’t say it in a way that makes coherent sense so I hope you get the general idea, I’m sure you will.
Sorry for rambling again but as always, that’s just me.
All my love,