Long time no see, or so it feels like. If I’m being honest, it’s because my mental health is so bad right now I’m just struggling to cope with things in general. I spoke about it a little in this post where I basically just went on a massive ramble but I hate to be so negative on here, you know? I want this to be a free and creative space yet right now I just feel like I’m constantly filling it with negativity by moping about my depression and anxiety, and I hate that. But I also always want to be honest with you guys, I’ve said this before but not enough people are real these days, they hide things and that’s fine, I’m not saying you have to spill out your darkest secrets onto the internet for everyone else’s benefit but I know I can’t sit here and pretend that I’m feeling fine when deep down I actually feel like I’m falling apart.
There’s a phrase that’s been circulating around my mind for the past week or so and that’s “let it be”. I’m slowly learning to just let things be because I feel like as I’m getting older, it’s the mature thing to do. It’s what I want to do, I’m just allowing things to run their course and trying not to force them, or participate in mindless behaviour or conversations where things are clearly no good. I don’t see the point and I don’t have the energy for it, I’m just accepting that things are what they are and what’s done is done, and there’s nothing more I can do about it.
I’ve put off writing because I feel like I have nothing to say. I’m not uninspired, just unmotivated. I feel like I’ve got writer’s block because there’s things I could be writing about but I just can’t be bothered. I just feel like I have no effort whatsoever, I’m in a complete slump. I can’t seem to formulate the words properly and there’s so many things whirling around inside my head that I can’t get them all down and then I just get frustrated. Right now I’m struggling to see the point in many things, any time I’m doing anything all I’m thinking is, what’s the point? I’m finding everything so pointless. Like there’s no point to me writing this or saying this or doing this or just being here in general. I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to die, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time, and that’s scary too because there’s no one I want to talk to about it because it feels like no person is the right person, does that make sense? Like, I know I shouldn’t be having the thoughts that I do yet I also don’t need someone to council me through it because it’s all too familiar to me and airing these thoughts doesn’t help, but at the same time it’s like this huge burden and secret that I’m keeping and it’s scary to walk around knowing I have these thoughts, yet no one to share them with. It’s sad really, it’s like I’m slowly watching myself fade away and ruin everything yet I can’t do anything about it. There’s a person inside of me, the real me, that’s shouting and screaming to come out and apologise for the mess being made, yet the person actually in control (my depression / anxiety / whatever) is just overpowering that and continuing to destroy anything good that’s ever happened to me.
I’m pushing people away that I don’t want to push away but I can’t seem to help it. I’ve done it all my life but now I’m at a stage where I’m trying hard to stop it, whereas before I would just push them away and be done with it. Now, I’m trying to take responsibility for my actions because I’m trying to fight against them – like I said, before I would just do it and leave things as they were but now I’m trying to be responsible and say hey, even though this is because of my depression and anxiety and not necessarily me, they’re still my actions and I need to take responsibility for them. I’m tired of fighting. I feel like I just want to hold my hands up and be like hey, I’m sorry, I’m tired now. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself and my thoughts. I wish I could just take my brain out and leave it on the side for a while because it’s honestly exhausting.
I pushed someone away recently that I really didn’t want to, neither of us necessarily did anything wrong but I think there was a misunderstanding on both parts and we both said things we didn’t mean. I didn’t want to speak to that person afterwards and now the tables have turned and they’re the one that doesn’t want to speak to me, which is fine. I understand that and they have every right to feel that way because I deserve it. Like I said, neither of us were in the wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, but now I just want to tell them that I’m tired of fighting a battle I will never win and I don’t want to do it anymore and that I’m sorry I was angry and I’m sorry for just being shitty in general. I just want to curl up and go to sleep for a long time. I’m 20 years old yet I feel like my actions are still that of a child when it comes to my mental health and it drives me insane because I’m a walking paradox constantly fighting my own mind. I’m a very empathetic person and after I’ve taken a few days to calm down I do apologise and say I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it, and I did do that in this case. I left it a few days while I allowed myself to calm down and I did then apologise because like I said, I’m old enough now to take responsibility for my actions and I’m tired of fighting. Whether that person accepts that or not is a different matter and I’m learning just to let it be either way, I want to message them 80 times and tell the truth about how I’m feeling and how sorry I am and that I still want them in my life and that I don’t want to fight with them or myself anymore, I’m willing to put my hands up and say you know what, I admit defeat. I give up. Here’s everything I have to offer you, I can’t go on with this battle anymore.
Another thing that doesn’t help is the fact I’m a very stubborn person, a lot of people feel like they’ve met their match once they’ve met me and I don’t dispute that, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s not even necessarily a pride thing either, it’s just that I don’t want to get hurt or show my emotions and so I will literally put myself through torture just to avoid breaking the silence first, or whatever the situation is that I’m in. I could be dying to speak to you but I won’t, never ever. I’m tired of that now, and this person I just mentioned that I pushed away, I want to just tell them that again I’m sorry and I want to be open now and honest and I don’t want to fight and be stubborn anymore, but somehow I feel like it’s too little too late.
And that’s fine. I understand it. I take responsibility for it. That’s my mess to clean up and they’re my problems I need to solve, it was my doing and I’m sorry for it and I wish I could turn things around but I don’t think I can. I just feel like this scared child that doesn’t really know where to go, I curl up in bed at night and cry, looking at the moon and asking the universe to tell me what to do because I’ve ran out of options. I’m learning just to let it be though, sometimes you can try things one, two, five hundred times and still get the same outcome and if that’s the case maybe you should just leave it alone. I know that despite all I’ve said, I am growing as a person because my reactions to things are different now, I won’t do things for my own selfish gain like try to continuously make things work when it’s clear that they won’t. I just let it be, I accept that it is what it is and let it go, and if that thing comes back to me then it was meant to happen and if not, I’m happy for that person either way.
But I also want to do that thing you see in movies where you lie next to someone in the dark and face each other and share all your secrets and tell them what’s really going on. I wish I had the chance to do that but I feel like it’s too late. That’s okay though. Sometimes you have to learn just to let it be.
“There will be an answer, let it be.”
All my love,