let it be

Hi loves,

Long time no see, or so it feels like. If I’m being honest, it’s because my mental health is so bad right now I’m just struggling to cope with things in general. I spoke about it a little in this post where I basically just went on a massive ramble but I hate to be so negative on here, you know? I want this to be a free and creative space yet right now I just feel like I’m constantly filling it with negativity by moping about my depression and anxiety, and I hate that. But I also always want to be honest with you guys, I’ve said this before but not enough people are real these days, they hide things and that’s fine, I’m not saying you have to spill out your darkest secrets onto the internet for everyone else’s benefit but I know I can’t sit here and pretend that I’m feeling fine when deep down I actually feel like I’m falling apart.

There’s a phrase that’s been circulating around my mind for the past week or so and that’s “let it be”. I’m slowly learning to just let things be because I feel like as I’m getting older, it’s the mature thing to do. It’s what I want to do, I’m just allowing things to run their course and trying not to force them, or participate in mindless behaviour or conversations where things are clearly no good. I don’t see the point and I don’t have the energy for it, I’m just accepting that things are what they are and what’s done is done, and there’s nothing more I can do about it.

I’ve put off writing because I feel like I have nothing to say. I’m not uninspired, just unmotivated. I feel like I’ve got writer’s block because there’s things I could be writing about but I just can’t be bothered. I just feel like I have no effort whatsoever, I’m in a complete slump. I can’t seem to formulate the words properly and there’s so many things whirling around inside my head that I can’t get them all down and then I just get frustrated. Right now I’m struggling to see the point in many things, any time I’m doing anything all I’m thinking is, what’s the point? I’m finding everything so pointless. Like there’s no point to me writing this or saying this or doing this or just being here in general. I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to die, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time, and that’s scary too because there’s no one I want to talk to about it because it feels like no person is the right person, does that make sense? Like, I know I shouldn’t be having the thoughts that I do yet I also don’t need someone to council me through it because it’s all too familiar to me and airing these thoughts doesn’t help, but at the same time it’s like this huge burden and secret that I’m keeping and it’s scary to walk around knowing I have these thoughts, yet no one to share them with. It’s sad really, it’s like I’m slowly watching myself fade away and ruin everything yet I can’t do anything about it. There’s a person inside of me, the real me, that’s shouting and screaming to come out and apologise for the mess being made, yet the person actually in control (my depression / anxiety / whatever) is just overpowering that and continuing to destroy anything good that’s ever happened to me.

I’m pushing people away that I don’t want to push away but I can’t seem to help it. I’ve done it all my life but now I’m at a stage where I’m trying hard to stop it, whereas before I would just push them away and be done with it. Now, I’m trying to take responsibility for my actions because I’m trying to fight against them – like I said, before I would just do it and leave things as they were but now I’m trying to be responsible and say hey, even though this is because of my depression and anxiety and not necessarily me, they’re still my actions and I need to take responsibility for them. I’m tired of fighting. I feel like I just want to hold my hands up and be like hey, I’m sorry, I’m tired now. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself and my thoughts. I wish I could just take my brain out and leave it on the side for a while because it’s honestly exhausting.

I pushed someone away recently that I really didn’t want to, neither of us necessarily did anything wrong but I think there was a misunderstanding on both parts and we both said things we didn’t mean. I didn’t want to speak to that person afterwards and now the tables have turned and they’re the one that doesn’t want to speak to me, which is fine. I understand that and they have every right to feel that way because I deserve it. Like I said, neither of us were in the wrong, it was just a misunderstanding, but now I just want to tell them that I’m tired of fighting a battle I will never win and I don’t want to do it anymore and that I’m sorry I was angry and I’m sorry for just being shitty in general. I just want to curl up and go to sleep for a long time. I’m 20 years old yet I feel like my actions are still that of a child when it comes to my mental health and it drives me insane because I’m a walking paradox constantly fighting my own mind. I’m a very empathetic person and after I’ve taken a few days to calm down I do apologise and say I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it, and I did do that in this case. I left it a few days while I allowed myself to calm down and I did then apologise because like I said, I’m old enough now to take responsibility for my actions and I’m tired of fighting. Whether that person accepts that or not is a different matter and I’m learning just to let it be either way, I want to message them 80 times and tell the truth about how I’m feeling and how sorry I am and that I still want them in my life and that I don’t want to fight with them or myself anymore, I’m willing to put my hands up and say you know what, I admit defeat. I give up. Here’s everything I have to offer you, I can’t go on with this battle anymore.

Another thing that doesn’t help is the fact I’m a very stubborn person, a lot of people feel like they’ve met their match once they’ve met me and I don’t dispute that, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s not even necessarily a pride thing either, it’s just that I don’t want to get hurt or show my emotions and so I will literally put myself through torture just to avoid breaking the silence first, or whatever the situation is that I’m in. I could be dying to speak to you but I won’t, never ever. I’m tired of that now, and this person I just mentioned that I pushed away, I want to just tell them that again I’m sorry and I want to be open now and honest and I don’t want to fight and be stubborn anymore, but somehow I feel like it’s too little too late.

And that’s fine. I understand it. I take responsibility for it. That’s my mess to clean up and they’re my problems I need to solve, it was my doing and I’m sorry for it and I wish I could turn things around but I don’t think I can. I just feel like this scared child that doesn’t really know where to go, I curl up in bed at night and cry, looking at the moon and asking the universe to tell me what to do because I’ve ran out of options. I’m learning just to let it be though, sometimes you can try things one, two, five hundred times and still get the same outcome and if that’s the case maybe you should just leave it alone. I know that despite all I’ve said, I am growing as a person because my reactions to things are different now, I won’t do things for my own selfish gain like try to continuously make things work when it’s clear that they won’t. I just let it be, I accept that it is what it is and let it go, and if that thing comes back to me then it was meant to happen and if not, I’m happy for that person either way.

But I also want to do that thing you see in movies where you lie next to someone in the dark and face each other and share all your secrets and tell them what’s really going on. I wish I had the chance to do that but I feel like it’s too late. That’s okay though. Sometimes you have to learn just to let it be.

“There will be an answer, let it be.”

All my love,

Chloe .xx

29 thoughts on “let it be

  1. Brooke@AuChatBleu says:

    I know you said you want this to be a free and creative space and to not be bogged down by depression and anxiety, but in some ways, I feel that by talking about these difficult issues you are in fact creating a free and imaginative space. Mental health is not addressed enough and by talking about both the highs and the lows you are acting as a wise old sister or friend to so many people who probably feel alone. A few months ago I completely lost inspiration and energy for my blog and just life in general. I had to give my self some time to recover, and eventually it came back. We are here for you Chloe, and thank you for being so raw and honest. Sending love your way ♥︎

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      This really made me think and you’re absolutely right, thank you so much. What a wonderful way to think of it. That’s another benefit to sharing these things – I get to hear the thoughts of people like you and see things from a different (and better) perspective, I really like your way of thinking. This made me smile so much and I really appreciate it, you have no idea how much it means for you to take the time and read about what’s going on in my head 💜 so thank you. Sending all my love your way, you are wonderful xxx

      Like

  2. chloeburford says:

    As much as I hate to see you in pain, I also love this post. I love how honest and raw all of your posts are. I hope it is reassuring to know we have all felt this, so I promise you it gets better. Take things one step at time, and if your friends are true to you, they will understand your mental health and will accept your apology. Sending hugs your way girl – you are doing great xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much lovely, it’s so comforting to know you enjoy them in that way, it makes me feel like I’m doing something right by sharing and it allows me to take a positive from a bad situation. Sending all my love to you xxx

      Like

  3. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    Sometimes I feel like a fraud, because my emotions are so up and down. I can write a post proclaiming how happy and confident I feel, only for the next day, to wake up and feel like I’m still an anxious child no better off then where I started. I read this nodding along profusely. It just made so much sense to me. I go into these dark places – not suicidal, but dark as in I am trapped and completely overwhelmed and lost, I want to tell people. And yet I don’t, because I already know what they will say.
    I know there’s nothing I can really type – nothing eloquent enough to actually help, and I definitely don’t want to sound cliche or patronising. But if there’s one thing you can take away, this post is anything but pointless! I can’t thank you enough that you share your thoughts openly.
    I would keep writing. Keep writing until your hands hurt. I agree with you on the idea of let it be. Sometimes I think it’s quite a healing thought, to think that life spins and everything will happen regardless. It kind of takes pressure off. Anyway, sending lots of love, and I hope you keep sharing your thoughts. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Oh wow, me too. It’s one of the main reasons I try to be as honest and open as I can because we’re all exposed to so many fabricated things these days and I want to try and go against that as best as I can, I want to be honest with people and say how I’m actually feeling and know that even though it hurts and it’s probably not what people want to hear, it’s reality and a lot of people aren’t exposed to that these days. We believe everyone has these perfect, happy lives and it’s not true. I always want this blog to be a positive and creative space but I never ever want it to be fake, I want people to be able to relate to it and find comfort in knowing they’re not alone in feeling certain things, so as much as I post happy things, I also want to balance them out with the other things going on in my life that probably aren’t as nice to read. It really means so much to me that you feel as though you benefit (for lack of better word) from these posts, it makes me feel as though I can take the positive from a bad situation and know that it allows me to relate to other people who may feel the same way. Thank you so much, sending lots of love your way girl xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • The Style of Laura Jane says:

        I think your blog is positive, even when you do talk about issues that are more open and honest, There is a positivity to that.
        We are so exposed to the idea of perfection nowadays, and everyone wanting to say how great their life is. But there’s nothing better than being able to easily relate. So I hope you continue!xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. theautumndaydreamer says:

    Chloe, I think you were just able to put into words just about how everyone feels today. Maybe I can’t speak for everyone so to speak, but I can definitely speak for myself. I totally know where you’re coming from when you say you feel like you should be writing but just cannot because you simply can’t be bothered. And the part about feeling like your actions are that of a child.
    I just wanted to tell you to remember that you are entitled to your feelings and you definitely should not beat yourself up for simply feeling. Keep your chin up.
    And, as always, thank you for writing such a relatable, raw, and messy (in the best way) blog post. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      You are so wonderful 💛 thank you. There’s always a form of comfort in knowing that even though I’m going through a shitty time, there’s also positives to it because I can share it and relate to others, it’s a great way to let people know we’re all human and we all feel like this sometimes, and that’s okay. I’m sorry you can relate but I’m sending all my love your way and I hope we both feel a little happier soon. Lots of love angel xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. questionsfromateenager says:

    Chloe, reading this took my breath away because I HAVE FELT ALL OF THIS. I really feel for you and the state you’re currently in but I know that you can work yourself out of it again – you’re one of the strongest people I have met in this blogosphere, so reading your post and seeing how self-aware you are gives me the confidence that you will get through this!!

    I actually was in a similar situation a few weeks ago, where I was pushing people away, not because of them, but because I was going through my own stuff. I had an anxiety attack a few days beforehand and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay in my room all day long. When you’re mentally exhausted, it can also affect you physically and I definitely felt that. It sucked because I hadn’t felt like that in a while, so feeling it again then was a shock to me and it ended up affecting a very close friendship of mine. I think the best thing I did in that time was just take the time I needed to mentally recuperate from everything that had been going on. It took A LOT of relaxing baths and listening to calming music to get me out of it lol.

    I love how open and honest you are, it makes your blog YOU. That’s why your site is one of my favourites – you write about your life and your struggles in such an insightful way that I feel like anyone from any background is able to relate in one way or another. If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that writing everything down can help in gaining some perspective, maybe even see yourself and your problems with another set of eyes. Being as self-aware as you are, I admire you for sticking to who you are at all times. It’s refreshing to read such a raw and authentic voice (such as yours), so hold on to that and the content will come. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ohhh girl 💛 wow. You always know the right things to say.

      Your words mean so much to me and thank you for being so wonderfully kind as always, I also really appreciate you mentioning how self aware you think I am as it’s something I’ve been trying to work on and ground myself with over the years so it’s a nice feeling to know other people can sense that too, so thank you.

      I definitely agree that it can affect you physically to, it’s like you’re a battery and all of the energy has been sucked out of you, you’re drained and just need recharging. It just throws all of me completely off balance and then I feel like I’m in this weird, disorientated state where I’m not really sure how to fix it and begin to get back on track. I think I just need to slowly ease myself back into the swing of things and make sure that I’m the best version of myself (as I can be) before I start getting involved with people again – there’s no use giving them just half of me when I’m not even in a good mind space to begin with.

      In terms of dealing with things this blog has really helped me in ways I never even imagined, I’ve said this before but I used to write only in journals etc. where I was the only audience, so now getting to share things and talk to people about it makes me feel like it’s actually benefitting me to share it and be real and say hey, I feel like this sometimes too. It’s so freeing.

      Again, thank you for your amazing words, you are so wonderful. Love you girl xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. crystalsandcurls says:

    Aw, girl you poor thing – I fucking hate mental slumps (and I feel your pain; I’m in a bit of one at the moment and I’m just not feeling connected to people or like i want to interact with my friends). Honestly, it sounds like you’ve done all you could, if they accept your apology great but if not at least you know you tried! All my love girly xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Even though I obviously don’t want others to feel the same way, it’s still comforting to know I’m not alone in it. I completely agree though, at least I tried. I did what was right by me and tried to make peace and if they don’t want to do anything with that, that’s their choice and it’s okay. Thank you girly, sending love ❤ xx

      Like

  7. seaofwordsx says:

    I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I can relate to your words. Nowadays, many people aren’t real. I love that you are always honest and authentic ❤️ I also don’t like to be negative on my blog but your feelings and thoughts matter. Sometimes it’s good to get everything out. I hope you feel better soon ❤️ I’m here for you. As I suffer from anxiety I know how exhausted our minds can be. Maybe it helps do to do things you love to do and write in your journal to get everything out of your mind. Take care of yourself. Love you so much beautiful ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much angel, that means such a lot. I’m here for you too. I think I just need to go back to the things that make me who I am and try and work my way up from there, maybe start from scratch all over again, who knows. I’ll figure something out ❤ love you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Nicole N says:

    I relate to you and this post so much. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and depression, I find myself in “slumps” (what I’ve named my darkest moments) all the time. Like you, these past few weeks I have found myself unmotivated and unwilling to do anything – I saw no point in leaving my room or interacting with any friends or family. Then yesterday I just got up, wrote a blog post myself, and felt a million times better. Force yourself (Literally, against your will), to go out, communicate with people, write, meditate, work out, any little action that will push you back on the right, happy, and motivate track ❤ If you ever need to lash out to someone, feel free to contact me!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I think sometimes we need to have the lower moments to appreciate the highs, and you always come out of a slump, right? I wrote another 2 blog posts this morning and I’m just pushing myself to keep going and get myself out of this. It’s a horrible feeling when you see everything as being pointless because it’s like, well then why am I doing anything at all? So you stop. I’m going to try and push through this and get back out there, I’m sure I’ll feel okay again soon. Thank you so much for this and for reading my thoughts, it means the world ❤ Sending love xx

      Like

  9. priya says:

    ughh I wish I could put into words how much I get this and feel this, down to single sentences you wrote that captured honest to god months of frustration I’ve had too girl. I’ve had a few revelations this year too, one of them being similar to your ‘let it be’ mantra, but rather, ‘don’t try and control what you were never meant to control’, and it’s done me a world of good, especially when it comes to other people. I was in a similar situation to yours, and did what I could to apologise, explain myself and own up to my wrongs, but that was all I could do. Whether or not the other person accepted my olive branch was completely out of my control, but I knew that I did the right thing by me, and as hard as it was, I tried to stop caring about it once I did all I could and handed it off to them. I still don’t have an explanation or a mindset to cure me of my ongoing eternal exhaustion, both physically and mentally, but we’re all a work in progress I guess, love you girl xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      😦 So much love for you Priya. I had that revelation too when I was around 16/17 I think – you cannot control other people’s feelings. I think that’s why I hate the whole thing and get so anxious, because I’m not in control of the situation as I have to be vulnerable and therefore the other person has the ability to hurt you, you just have to trust that they won’t. I realised that you can’t control how other people feel or what they do, no matter what I try and do to stop them if they want to go ahead and do something, they’re going to do it. I really needed this so thank you so much, it honestly means the world. The person I mentioned hasn’t accepted my olive branch but you know what, that’s okay. Like you said, I did what was right by me and I tried to make my peace. Thank you so much xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • priya says:

        Learning to give up control and realising that there are hundreds of things outside of your control, especially other people, is one of the hardest things to do and I still struggle so much with it, but the best we can do is try, I’m here anytime you need girl xx

        Liked by 1 person

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