sick of losing soulmates

I remember a time where I didn’t have to worry about other people, and I remember a time before they came into my life and took away pieces of me I hadn’t even had the chance to discover yet. It was nice to like people when my only worry was wondering if they liked me back. After they did, it all went downhill from there and I’ve never given myself a break since. I’ve never fully cut myself off from it all and said actually, I don’t want to speak to or see anyone right now, I want to just be me on my own without worrying whether you find me attractive in that dress or not.

I remember having crushes and enjoying it, getting the butterflies and marvelling at how nice one person’s face could be. I remember being liked by people I didn’t like back but then forcing myself to like them anyway because I wanted to make them happy, and this was all about them right? I remember actually falling for them and being pleased with myself for genuinely feeling that way now and not having to pretend anymore.

I remember them hurting me and I remember hating myself for falling, because if I’d stayed true to myself I wouldn’t have been in this mess.

Liking people isn’t fun for me anymore, I don’t get butterflies or excitement, I get anxiety. I get dread. I think about too many things and I question their every move as well as my own. Every detail is scrutinised and analysed, has he text me back yet? Why not? Is he ignoring me or is he just busy? Whose photo has he just liked on Instagram? Is she skinnier, prettier than me? Does he know her? Have history with her? We’ve been driving for 10 minutes now and he hasn’t said a word, has his mind wandered off somewhere or is he secretly hating every minute of this?

I remember being a teenager and sitting in a circle with my best friends discussing our latest crush, though I was shy about it even then. I remember the excitement and the giggles, the sideway glances and wondering if he was going to text me when I got home that night. I remember listening to old Taylor Swift songs and thinking that was love, happy it was the anthem of my teenage years.

And then I grew up.

Love hurts. People dispute that and say no, love doesn’t hurt, it’s the things that come along with it that hurt, which is true. But what’s also true is the fact that you can’t have one without the other unless you’re lucky, you can’t have the love without the arguments or the analysing or the anxiety or the overthinking or the wondering. You can’t just have love on it’s own, I don’t believe there is a couple out there who have never had a disagreement or an argument throughout their entire relationship.

Love is stealing pieces of the other person for yourself until there’s nothing left of them, love is breaking down every part of them individually until they no longer exist as an individual, but as a joint body with you. Love is leaving them and telling them it’s because they deserve the best and that’s not you. Love is saying maybe you’ll meet again someday and be better for each other. Love is leaving without a word even though you used to stay on the phone all night knowing you needed to sleep but staying up anyway because you would have done anything to hear their voice.

The way you’re shown love is the way you perceive it. That’s how I’ve been shown it, so that’s how I perceive it. I know they weren’t the right people, I know they didn’t deserve me. That doesn’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things though, because it still haunts me. Knowing it was their fault doesn’t make the feelings go away.

Love is hard work and it hurts. One day I’ll find someone that doesn’t allow it to hurt like that but for now, I’m sick of losing soulmates. It hurts to pour yourself into someone for them to leave with no goodbye. I understand it and I don’t. I see the world differently now and I realise that not everyone has the same heart as me, though I try to see things from their point of view anyway, and I forgive them. Forgiving them allows me to forgive myself because I’ll never move on from it otherwise. If I hold onto all this anger and sadness, I’m holding on to them when I want to let them go, I’m holding myself back when I want to be free. It takes effort to consciously hate someone or dislike them, or have ill feelings towards them. It takes no effort to forgive them, let them go and forget about it. I forgive you because I forgive myself. I cannot grow if I am allowing the weight of you to still hold me down. I am free now.

I am sick of losing soulmates, so I will no longer be searching. I do not need anymore stitches sewn across my heart, for there is only so many times you can patch something up before it breaks.

“I’m sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin. I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me, so how do we win?”

24 thoughts on “sick of losing soulmates

  1. seaofwordsx says:

    Wow, I loved this post so much ❤ It’s so beautifully written. I love your honesty. I can relate to this so much. When I was in love with my first love and the only real love in my life, I listened so many times to all the old Taylor Swift songs such as fairytale, love story and so on. I felt that was love. Then arguments began about that I have to wear high heels because it would make me confident. He said that, but for me it wasn’t okay. I changed myself a bit in order that he would be happy with me. I did that a lot with other boys I liked too which is wrong. They wouldn’t like me because those weren’t the right people. It’s so much better to stay yourself. Now, I prefer to be alone and hate dating. I’m also tired of the constant anxiety which involves in liking someone as you said. I’m sensitive and clingy and need to have the constant reminder that he still loves me. After my heartbreak I’m just so afraid that when I like someone again, he will leave me. Love isn’t all happiness, it’s hard and sad too. Sorry for the ramble. I just understand everything you wrote. I hope someday you find someone who will respect you, never give up on you and will always be there for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ahhh I love you so much girly 💙💙 Honestly old T Swift songs make you feel like you’re in an actual fairytale, it really did make you believe in love – especially as a long girl. I think that’s why I still listen to them so much now, because it still makes me believe in love and it reminds me of being a young teen and those years of my life where you could have fun, playful crushes, and heartbreak wasn’t really heartbreak. You should never change yourself for somebody else, ever – romantically or otherwise. I’ve done it before where I’ve tried to change myself in order for someone to like me more and it’s so damaging – people should love you for who you are and you should never have to change in order for someone to like you – like you said, they’re not the right people for you. I need to have that constant reminder too, but it’s because I’m not confident enough in myself to believe that someone can just like me and not second guess it. Once I learn to love myself fully and have that self confidence, I won’t have that anxiety anymore which is why I need to focus on myself for a while before ever getting into anything like this again. Love you angel xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. questionsfromateenager says:

    “And then I grew up.” THAT LINE WAS JUST LIKE A BLOW TO THE GUT HONEST TO GOD MY EYES BECAME ALL TEARY.

    As always, you write so beautifully, even melodically about your feelings and experiences. Everytime I read something of yours I am blown away by the way that your posts always get to me, in such an emotional way. It’s almost like I am having an intimate conversation with you.

    I came to the same realisation back in October where I decided that enough was enough. I wasn’t going to sit there and wait to get my heart broken. I was going to take some time to myself and if someone blew me away along the way then great, but otherwise ‘see ya later boys’. In the time span from then to now I have definitely noticed my own personal growth – it has been so rewarding! So go you for putting your foot down and standing up for yourself by taking a break xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      💙💙 so much love for you girl. Thank you so much, your words mean such a lot to me as always – thank you for always taking the time to read my thoughts. Someone has told me before that I write as if I’m having a one on one conversation with the reader and so to also hear you say it means so much, because I love the thought that my words can do that. You’re so right though, you just need to pick yourself up and remember who you are – personal growth is always the aim for me and so focusing on myself is exactly what I need right now, thank you so much for this xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. BabblingMummy says:

    I had tears in my eyes reading this. It sucks, totally sucks that you have had your heart broken so many times but one day, when you least expect it, love will come calling again. I think for now, give yourself time to heal and concentrate on yourself. You deserve all the happiness Chloe 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Chanelle says:

    This post is beautiful and so much of what you say resonates with me. I went through a break up a couple of months ago and it was the most devastating, unexpected thing. My ex and I never fought once and we were together for almost two years so it can be done 🙂 Someone else broke us up and the fact that was how it ended hurts more than the actual breakup itself, it could have been so much more dignified. Love can be hard work but I believe if you’re with someone who truly respects and loves you it doesn’t feel hard and the way you feel about the other person and the admiration for them outweighs the hard parts of love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much 💛 I agree, I just know I haven’t found this yet but at the same time I’m in absolutely no rush, I think I just need some me time for now! I think you always look back on things and wish they’d been different but at the end of the day, I believe everything happens for a reason, I hope we all end up where we need to be in the end xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. crystalsandcurls says:

    my love, I honestly think taking a break from dating can be an AMAZING thing…sometimes dating becomes more habit that anything truly beneficial and, like you said, if you’re just getting hurt or spending time with the wrong people it ends up feeling massively draining and pointless. Personally, I think spending the time alone and figuring out yourself and living your best life opens you up for your REAL soulmate to come along xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      For sure!! People just fall into a routine of always doing it because they’ve never really done anything else and it’s like well actually, there’s so much more out there!! I really do need alone time right now so I’m very glad I’m allowing myself to have it, thank you so much for this xx

      Like

  6. abbyuppington says:

    You break my heart Chlo. Wonderful writing. One day you’ll open up your heart to someone and they won’t hurt you & they will take out those stitches and put it back together. Have faith 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  7. priya says:

    I wish everyone had a heart like yours Chloe, I wanted to cry reading this. You perfectly captured, yet again (what else should I expect), all the emotions that come with love or even the idea of love that makes me so nervous and anxious and completely over it – so different from primary school when it was incredibly easier, seems like the risk and the stakes were so much lower then, beautiful post girl xx

    Liked by 4 people

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