You may remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote this post.
Well, in that post I mentioned that the whole thing that set off my anxiety / needing to get out, was because I read something I didn’t want to read. Without going into too much detail (because I don’t like to talk about people on my blog without their knowledge) I knew that this person felt a certain way about something but I knew that if I asked them outright they would have never told me so essentially I tricked them into saying it, basically. That probably sounds sly but it wasn’t, I just needed to hear them say this thing and once they said it I was like ok maybe it was better off not knowing because now, I’m freaking out a bit.
It showed me how much I’d changed as a person though – the way you react to a situation shows a lot about an individual and I was surprised at myself for how I reacted, in the sense that, I didn’t really react at all. Normally, a situation like that would essentially be the beginning of a self destructive path and the start of falling into a black pit of despair, but this time, the second I felt it coming I began to try and get rid of it (hence going for a drive and writing the post I just mentioned). I kind of just sat there afterwards and thought about it off and on, enough so that I could analyse it, but not enough that it would hurt me. Normally I overthink everything and send myself into bad moods, but not this time.
I was like well okay, I love myself a lot, it’s taken me years to get to this point and I want to protect myself at all costs therefore I’m not going to let this person hurt me, I’m going to do what I need to do and look after myself, so that’s what I did. It’s strange, I kind of just poured love into myself rather than going in the opposite direction of a downward spiral, instead I was like okay well maybe they don’t love me or want me, but I love me and want me and that’s enough. Their feelings towards me don’t reflect on myself, just because they don’t want me doesn’t mean I have to agree with them – I don’t.
Instead it gave me motivation actually, to just be the best version of myself possible and love and love and love myself. Without sounding silly I am quite fragile underneath the humorous exterior I put on, things do get to me and I feel them deeply so sometimes I just imagine myself as a child and I’m like okay, how would I deal with this if I really was a child – and the answer is I’d protect myself. I’d protect myself at all costs and look after myself and be kind to myself, and so that’s what I do. I think it showed me that the way I see myself doesn’t lie in the opinions of other people anymore, people used to hurt me and I used to hurt myself too because I believed them. I had no sense of self and so anything they said I agreed with, but it’s not true. It’s not me at all.
One of my favourite quotes that I’ve mentioned before actually, is “you are not measured by how others react to you” and it’s true – their feelings (or lack of, in this case) towards me are not a reflection of myself, it’s a reflection of them. I don’t have to listen. I’ve realised that in the past when people have hurt me and I’ve therefore hurt myself, I’ve been agreeing with these people because I’ve followed their actions, I’ve listened to what they’ve said and I’ve agreed with it by blaming myself and hurting myself too. I didn’t even realise this – maybe a lot of us don’t. This time though, I’m aware of it and I’m saying actually, I don’t agree with you. I don’t view myself in the same sad way as you do and I won’t punish myself because of it. I love myself and if you don’t want me that’s fine, it doesn’t even touch the sides – I love myself and as long as I have that, it’s all I need.
Still, it has been getting to me. I have to be realistic with these things – it’s going to play on my mind for a while and I have had a little cry here and there. I don’t cry that much these days anymore though, which may sound weird but I used to cry a lot and now I only cry like, twice a month when it used to be about twice a day, so that’s an improvement at least (!). My heart feels a little heavy but it’s nothing I haven’t done before and it’s definitely not as bad as the other times I’ve experienced it, which is also another positive – I’m trying to look on the bright side of things and be optimistic. I’m getting there. It shows how much I’ve grown at least, I’m going to be okay. I think I’m going to turn my phone off for a while and throw myself into some books.
I just felt like sharing this today because as time goes on and I grow as a person, I notice these little changes and differences in myself and I like to write them down as something to look back on and see how far I’ve come, really. We’re all constantly growing and changing and I’m glad that I’m going in the right direction. I hope you all are too.
“Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.”
All my love,