letters to my best friend

Hi loves,

I have a lot of journal excerpts and word documents and phone notes containing random scraps of writing and I would really like to share them but of course, they’re not singlehandedly enough to elicit a whole blog post.

I was reading some emails I’d sent to a friend last year – sometimes when we felt like we weren’t communicating properly (via text or other forms of social media) we would pour our feelings out into emails and correspond that way instead. There were a lot of things I said in those emails that I would really like to share – advice and just thoughts in general. Obviously, I wasn’t about to copy and paste the full emails into a blog post because that’s too personal, but there are excerpts that I  thought would be nice to share, so that’s what I’m going to do today.

I’ve (hopefully) arranged it so that it’s within context and therefore makes sense, but there will be a part 2 to this as I wrote a lot in those emails but didn’t want to put it all in one blog post because well, you’d be sick of me, basically – who wants to listen to me drone on for that long? (I know I wouldn’t), so anyway – please enjoy part one of letters to my best friend .xx

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“I think there’ll always be a part in both of us that still longs for those days when we were 16 in highschool with necessarily no (real) worries, and maybe the best versions of ourselves at the time. I feel like I was still the best version of myself at 16, which is maybe why I hang onto and feel nostalgic for it so much. I know I have to let that go though and accept life as it is right now and do with it what I can. I can change it for the better at any time.”

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“I think I have to just stop being scared about people who I know care about me. Like I said to you – someone could tell me something a million times and I still wouldn’t believe them, but that’s an issue with me and not them, though I need to try and start fixing things quick time or it all turns to shit, basically. I feel like I’ve learned a lot over the last few months – ehat I think is right in the situation may not necessarily be the right thing for the other person in the situation, I think I just need to stop over thinking and realise that the people who say they care actually mean it, and I should do everything I can to support that.”

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“I drove to work this morning with George Michael on full blast and it was nice. I really miss him you know, it’s weird. It makes me sad now to listen to him because it’s like wow, you were such a good person and I really thought you were great and now whenever I hear you I know I won’t hear anything new from you ever again, this is all that’s left. I feel everything way too much and end up ruining things for myself but I just can’t help being so dramatic, I think it’s in my blood.

The thing with music is it started to happen with Viola Beach as well, before Harry’s album came out their CD was literally the only thing I played, it takes me away to somewhere else – like they know something I don’t because they’re not here anymore, they now exist somewhere else. Their voices just kind of echo around the car even though I know we’ll never hear them again and this is the only thing they’ve left for us, it’s eerie and sad yet I find it the only place I feel comfortable sometimes. I don’t think I’ve ever really said this before but sometimes I’m so used to being sad that I feel uncomfortable being anything else. One time when I was getting ‘better’ from the depression I wasn’t really getting better, because I felt like I didn’t know how to navigate this new way of life.

I find comfort in the dark and lonely things, I feel comfortable, like I belong. When I don’t feel quiet and dark I don’t like it, I think I’ll always end up falling back into it because as much as I don’t like it, I do. I think that’s another reason my feelings are so big and dramatic, because the sadness within them gives me comfort. It’s a weird concept and maybe one that only I understand, but I like the darkness as such. Maybe that’s why I’m so obsessed with the moon.”

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“I think suppressing feelings for so long makes you unable to remember what it actually is to feel them, as they’re just bottled away somewhere gathering dust. Sometimes things happen in life and you just bottle them up or shut them away and it’s a part you never go back to, but with some things I think it’s good to go back to them. I think maybe sometimes you need to feel things in order to get over them. I think we do it because we don’t want to admit they’re there, whether it be love, grief, loneliness – we don’t want to accept that that’s what’s going on. Through fear of judgement or loss of pride, we keep them to ourselves because the thoughts that would follow afterwards would be difficult to handle. I think it’s a selfish act in the sense that even if we are not affecting other people through it, we are still affecting ourselves. Our ego is being selfish because it’s suppressing the feelings from our soul, and that in turn is damaging.”

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“People do just happen to you and there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you try to deflect it or block it out, they will still leave a mark on you / your life regardless. Maybe even more so if you suppress the feelings while they were here, as you will still be left with them once they leave.”

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“You can have a lot of friends but there’s always that certain one that you connect with better than the rest, that one for me has always been you. For years I’ve been comparing things to what I lost or being frustrated and sad that they’re not the same, but I have realised there are lots of different kinds of love out there, lots of different people and lots of different soul mates. I’m glad I am experiencing a new one.”

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“Thank you for still being you, because in turn, that still makes me, me.

And I think I’d like to stay and work on her for a while.”

All my love,

Chloe .xx