Sorry I haven’t been very active lately! I’m still in holiday mode. I had a lot of post ideas while I was away but because I was taking a break from blogging I didn’t act on them (I regret that now) and so currently I’m sifting through drafts trying to figure out what I should and shouldn’t post. I’ve been occupying myself a lot lately with things that don’t include sitting on the internet all day and I’m liking it so I’m trying to keep it that way, which means not being on here as much as I normally would, (I’m not going anywhere, I’ll just probably be catching up with posts a little later than usual).
I feel like I should have something to update you guys on, but I don’t, I’m just content right now I guess, I feel like I’ve really been coming into my own. I’ve been exploring lots of new and different things, saying yes more and kicking anxiety’s ass. I feel like I’m really growing a lot. I got some new tattoos (which you guys saw, another post on them is coming shortly) and they make me feel more like myself, kind of like I’m able to mould myself into the version of me I’ve always had in my head, you know? I think it’s also to do with the fact I’ve been staying off the internet, while I was on holiday I listened to music, read books and spoke to people that made me happy and I realised that was enough – I didn’t need Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc. Not like I didn’t know this already, but it’s that thing where you get bored and before you know it you’ve been aimlessly scrolling through Instagram for hours looking at your ex’s best friend’s girlfriend’s cousin’s page. Pointless. I just use them when I think I have nothing better to do – but then I found something to fill up my time with and now I barely use them at all. I just feel like I’ve been taking charge more, you know? Like, this is my life and this is how I want to live it. I’m making the decisions instead of letting life make them for me, I’m taking control and doing the things I want to do. I’m doing things for myself.
I’ve become way more productive, I swear there’s no better feeling than having a list of things to do and being able to check them off it or going to bed at night realising how much you got done that day. I’m like wow, I really did that huh. I’m learning to be on my own and let things go, I know I’ve mentioned it before but people do grow and change and I’m truly learning to accept that that’s a part of life and it’s okay. Sometimes I’d kind of blame myself and think it was because I hadn’t tried enough or that maybe I just wasn’t a good person, that’s not the answer though. The answer is simply that life changes us and time allows us to grow into the people we were always meant to be, which means you won’t fit in with everyone you were inseparable with when you were 16 anymore. I’ve been speaking to more people, different people – expanding my horizons, if you like. It’s weird, for someone who classes themselves as an introvert and more of a listener than a talker (though this blog would definitely make you believe otherwise), it made me realise that somehow I really can manage to speak to anyone. For someone who feels so small and boxed in sometimes, I can get along and chat with most people – doesn’t matter where you’re from, what culture, how old you are, who you are or what you’ve done, we can still be friends. We can still get along and laugh together and talk about life and we can still like each other as people. There’s no checklist for life, there’s no set of rules that states who you can and can’t get along with because of who you are as a person. It made me realise that I’m so open I can chat with anyone because I don’t care about who you are or what you look like, I just care about your mind. I’m curious. I always have been. I love exploring new things, I always ask questions and I always want to learn – to educate myself and be like hey do you know I have a friend who’s in the Korean military? (True). Do you know I have a friend who’s locked up in an American prison right now? (Also true). Are these people the same? No. Am I like these people? No. Do we still get along like a house on fire anyway? Yeah. It’s connection, it’s exploring and learning. I don’t mean I’m using these people as some kind of social experiment, I just mean that I like to branch out more, experience things and talk to people I’d never usually come into contact with, because that’s new, that’s different. It’s fair. I want to get to know people’s stories, I feel like I owe it to myself and the world to experience these things because they’re all out there, I don’t just want to be stuck in the same place all the time. I want to know a little bit about everything, a little bit about everyone, realistically I know that’s impossible, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try. Even people I don’t know, I want to know about them. I spoke about it more in depth in this post, but I want to know about people, I want to know about their life and who they are or who they were, why they did what they did, what brought them to the point of no return…everything. Were they happy? Did they have someone they could confide in? What was the best day of their life? Did they even have one? I hope so. I really hope so.
I hope everyone is okay. I hope everyone is good and happy and surrounded by things that make them want to get up in the morning. I hope that even if they’re not, they understand it’s okay. I just wish I could give the world a hug. Sounds cliché, but I just wish I could take all of the bad things away. We need to be more understanding, we need to be more aware and open and honest and loving, is that so hard? Be nice. Just be a nice person. It costs nothing.
When I was on holiday I was painfully aware of my own privilege, on the way to our hotel we travelled through a small town that was half built and so underfunded. There were children playing barefoot on broken swing sets outside that stopped to stare at our giant glossy coach as it drove through the town, which didn’t even have a proper road. They stood and stared, but then they started smiling and waving, they were maybe 7 or 8 years old. I instantly started smiling and waving back and I will never forget it, because for that moment we were the same. There was no glass window between us, there was no me looking down and them looking up, here’s me in my £100 trainers holding my iPhone listening to music on the internet on the way to my 5* all inclusive resort holiday with all the food and drink I could possibly ask for, and there’s these sweet angels barefoot on the pavement outside marvelling at the fact there’s a giant coach driving through their town.
It’s so dumb. It’s so stupid. It’s so stupid how I’m here and you’re there. How I’m here because I was born into this life that I have no control over and you were born into that one. Who gets to choose? Who chooses who gets to be a member of the Kardashian family and who lives in poverty for their entire life? Who chooses who gets killed in a plane crash at 14 and who smokes and drinks for their entire life and dies peacefully at age 110?
Maybe I sound weird or dramatic, but I think about it. I know I shouldn’t because that’s life, it’s the way it works. It just is. The world is so…different. I wish there was a better word. It’s just, magic, in a weird way, because not all of it is good, but it’s magic how it happens anyway. Again, is it weird that I think like this? Is it weird that I go on holiday and come back with all of these thoughts when other people can probably just come back and say they’ve had a good time? I did have a good time, of course I did, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about the things I saw there. Like I said in this post, just because it doesn’t affect me personally doesn’t mean I can ignore it, it does affect me, because I feel guilty, I felt ashamed, almost, I didn’t want to be on the bus at that moment. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to get off and go and play with those children on that broken swing set and ask them how their day had been. You know? We’re all the same. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t have, we’re all the same on the inside. We’re all human.
This may sound arrogant or rude which is not the way I intend it, but when people compliment me, I want it to be on something that I myself have done. I was speaking to someone the other day who just kept telling me I was pretty and I was thinking ok…and? What else? Is that it? You just like me because you think I’m pretty? I haven’t done that. I didn’t shape my face and choose my features before I came into this world, it just happened. I just happened to be the soul that was put into this body and gets to control it for 80 years, but even then it isn’t really mine because once I die, this physical part of me then ceases to exist. It belongs to the Earth again. It belongs to the Earth in the first place, I’m just the soul that happens to be living in it.
I hate that. I hate the idea that one person is worth more than another because of the way they look. Bullshit. Open your mind. John Mayer tweeted something once which I think sums it up better than anything else ever could –
True, right? Thanks for saying my face is nice but don’t treat me like I’m a good person because of it. Don’t treat me better than the person next to me just because you prefer my face to theirs. I could be a crappy person. I could be a complete bitch. I’ve noticed it and I’m sure others have too, but good looking people can get away with pretty much anything because it’s like they have a free pass to act like an idiot and people will still accept them for it because they’re blinded by their beauty, whereas others who may not be deemed as ‘perfect’ could be the nicest people in the world yet still get no recognition at all. What’s that about? Get to know me first and then compliment me, do you still like me now? Compliment me on something that’s actually real.
I hope that makes sense, in no way am I saying that if someone tells you you look nice they don’t mean it, or if someone tells me that I look nice that I roll my eyes at them for it, because I don’t, it’s still nice, I accept the compliment…but it’s just…you know what I mean. There’s so much more to people than the physical, there’s so much more to life. It’s boring, you know?
I don’t know where this is going, I guess I just wish everyone could be equal, in all senses and all ways. I know I’m living in a dreamworld because I’m perfectly aware of the fact there’s always going to be bad and evil that exists within the world, but I can still hope for a better day anyway. We can all still try, right?
I don’t know. I think about it now, I think about it all the time and I will continue to do so. It’s a new part of my mind that I hadn’t discovered yet, but I have now and I’m exploring it to the fullest. I want to be so aware of the world around me because I never ever want to be ignorant. Ignorance is the route of most problems in this world and I never want to be a part of that, I want to be open and educated and accepting, I hope you do too.
The sun will rise and we will try again.
All my love,