holiday thoughts

Hi angels,

Sorry I haven’t been very active lately! I’m still in holiday mode. I had a lot of post ideas while I was away but because I was taking a break from blogging I didn’t act on them (I regret that now) and so currently I’m sifting through drafts trying to figure out what I should and shouldn’t post. I’ve been occupying myself a lot lately with things that don’t include sitting on the internet all day and I’m liking it so I’m trying to keep it that way, which means not being on here as much as I normally would, (I’m not going anywhere, I’ll just probably be catching up with posts a little later than usual).

I feel like I should have something to update you guys on, but I don’t, I’m just content right now I guess, I feel like I’ve really been coming into my own. I’ve been exploring lots of new and different things, saying yes more and kicking anxiety’s ass. I feel like I’m really growing a lot. I got some new tattoos (which you guys saw, another post on them is coming shortly) and they make me feel more like myself, kind of like I’m able to mould myself into the version of me I’ve always had in my head, you know? I think it’s also to do with the fact I’ve been staying off the internet, while I was on holiday I listened to music, read books and spoke to people that made me happy and I realised that was enough – I didn’t need Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc. Not like I didn’t know this already, but it’s that thing where you get bored and before you know it you’ve been aimlessly scrolling through Instagram for hours looking at your ex’s best friend’s girlfriend’s cousin’s page. Pointless. I just use them when I think I have nothing better to do – but then I found something to fill up my time with and now I barely use them at all. I just feel like I’ve been taking charge more, you know? Like, this is my life and this is how I want to live it. I’m making the decisions instead of letting life make them for me, I’m taking control and doing the things I want to do. I’m doing things for myself.

I’ve become way more productive, I swear there’s no better feeling than having a list of things to do and being able to check them off it or going to bed at night realising how much you got done that day. I’m like wow, I really did that huh. I’m learning to be on my own and let things go, I know I’ve mentioned it before but people do grow and change and I’m truly learning to accept that that’s a part of life and it’s okay. Sometimes I’d kind of blame myself and think it was because I hadn’t tried enough or that maybe I just wasn’t a good person, that’s not the answer though. The answer is simply that life changes us and time allows us to grow into the people we were always meant to be, which means you won’t fit in with everyone you were inseparable with when you were 16 anymore. I’ve been speaking to more people, different people – expanding my horizons, if you like. It’s weird, for someone who classes themselves as an introvert and more of a listener than a talker (though this blog would definitely make you believe otherwise), it made me realise that somehow I really can manage to speak to anyone. For someone who feels so small and boxed in sometimes, I can get along and chat with most people – doesn’t matter where you’re from, what culture, how old you are, who you are or what you’ve done, we can still be friends. We can still get along and laugh together and talk about life and we can still like each other as people. There’s no checklist for life, there’s no set of rules that states who you can and can’t get along with because of who you are as a person. It made me realise that I’m so open I can chat with anyone because I don’t care about who you are or what you look like, I just care about your mind. I’m curious. I always have been. I love exploring new things, I always ask questions and I always want to learn – to educate myself and be like hey do you know I have a friend who’s in the Korean military? (True). Do you know I have a friend who’s locked up in an American prison right now? (Also true). Are these people the same? No. Am I like these people? No. Do we still get along like a house on fire anyway? Yeah. It’s connection, it’s exploring and learning. I don’t mean I’m using these people as some kind of social experiment, I just mean that I like to branch out more, experience things and talk to people I’d never usually come into contact with, because that’s new, that’s different. It’s fair. I want to get to know people’s stories, I feel like I owe it to myself and the world to experience these things because they’re all out there, I don’t just want to be stuck in the same place all the time. I want to know a little bit about everything, a little bit about everyone, realistically I know that’s impossible, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try. Even people I don’t know, I want to know about them. I spoke about it more in depth in this post, but I want to know about people, I want to know about their life and who they are or who they were, why they did what they did, what brought them to the point of no return…everything. Were they happy? Did they have someone they could confide in? What was the best day of their life? Did they even have one? I hope so. I really hope so.

I hope everyone is okay. I hope everyone is good and happy and surrounded by things that make them want to get up in the morning. I hope that even if they’re not, they understand it’s okay. I just wish I could give the world a hug. Sounds cliché, but I just wish I could take all of the bad things away. We need to be more understanding, we need to be more aware and open and honest and loving, is that so hard? Be nice. Just be a nice person. It costs nothing.

When I was on holiday I was painfully aware of my own privilege, on the way to our hotel we travelled through a small town that was half built and so underfunded. There were children playing barefoot on broken swing sets outside that stopped to stare at our giant glossy coach as it drove through the town, which didn’t even have a proper road. They stood and stared, but then they started smiling and waving, they were maybe 7 or 8 years old. I instantly started smiling and waving back and I will never forget it, because for that moment we were the same. There was no glass window between us,  there was no me looking down and them looking up, here’s me in my £100 trainers holding my iPhone listening to music on the internet on the way to my 5* all inclusive resort holiday with all the food and drink I could possibly ask for, and there’s these sweet angels barefoot on the pavement outside marvelling at the fact there’s a giant coach driving through their town.

It’s so dumb. It’s so stupid. It’s so stupid how I’m here and you’re there. How I’m here because I was born into this life that I have no control over and you were born into that one. Who gets to choose? Who chooses who gets to be a member of the Kardashian family and who lives in poverty for their entire life? Who chooses who gets killed in a plane crash at 14 and who smokes and drinks for their entire life and dies peacefully at age 110?

Maybe I sound weird or dramatic, but I think about it. I know I shouldn’t because that’s life, it’s the way it works. It just is. The world is so…different. I wish there was a better word. It’s just, magic, in a weird way, because not all of it is good, but it’s magic how it happens anyway. Again, is it weird that I think like this? Is it weird that I go on holiday and come back with all of these thoughts when other people can probably just come back and say they’ve had a good time? I did have a good time, of course I did, but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about the things I saw there. Like I said in this post, just because it doesn’t affect me personally doesn’t mean I can ignore it, it does affect me, because I feel guilty, I felt ashamed, almost, I didn’t want to be on the bus at that moment. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to get off and go and play with those children on that broken swing set and ask them how their day had been. You know? We’re all the same. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t have, we’re all the same on the inside. We’re all human.

This may sound arrogant or rude which is not the way I intend it, but when people compliment me, I want it to be on something that I myself have done. I was speaking to someone the other day who just kept telling me I was pretty and I was thinking ok…and? What else? Is that it? You just like me because you think I’m pretty? I haven’t done that. I didn’t shape my face and choose my features before I came into this world, it just happened. I just happened to be the soul that was put into this body and gets to control it for 80 years, but even then it isn’t really mine because once I die, this physical part of me then ceases to exist. It belongs to the Earth again. It belongs to the Earth in the first place, I’m just the soul that happens to be living in it.

I hate that. I hate the idea that one person is worth more than another because of the way they look. Bullshit. Open your mind. John Mayer tweeted something once which I think sums it up better than anything else ever could –

congrats

True, right? Thanks for saying my face is nice but don’t treat me like I’m a good person because of it. Don’t treat me better than the person next to me just because you prefer my face to theirs. I could be a crappy person. I could be a complete bitch. I’ve noticed it and I’m sure others have too, but good looking people can get away with pretty much anything because it’s like they have a free pass to act like an idiot and people will still accept them for it because they’re blinded by their beauty, whereas others who may not be deemed as ‘perfect’ could be the nicest people in the world yet still get no recognition at all. What’s that about? Get to know me first and then compliment me, do you still like me now? Compliment me on something that’s actually real.

I hope that makes sense, in no way am I saying that if someone tells you you look nice they don’t mean it, or if someone tells me that I look nice that I roll my eyes at them for it, because I don’t, it’s still nice, I accept the compliment…but it’s just…you know what I mean. There’s so much more to people than the physical, there’s so much more to life. It’s boring, you know?

I don’t know where this is going, I guess I just wish everyone could be equal, in all senses and all ways. I know I’m living in a dreamworld because I’m perfectly aware of the fact there’s always going to be bad and evil that exists within the world, but I can still hope for a better day anyway. We can all still try, right?

I don’t know. I think about it now, I think about it all the time and I will continue to do so. It’s a new part of my mind that I hadn’t discovered yet, but I have now and I’m exploring it to the fullest. I want to be so aware of the world around me because I never ever want to be ignorant. Ignorance is the route of most problems in this world and I never want to be a part of that, I want to be open and educated and accepting, I hope you do too.

The sun will rise and we will try again.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

18 thoughts on “holiday thoughts

  1. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    I think about these things a lot as well. Life is almost a big game of luck. Even my family tree, if my grandad had never got a scholarship, he would have never come to the UK and met my grandma.
    It’s all based on the slightest chances, and it’s a shame that some people are born in a world unhabitable to many others. Even our own privelledge in life can go up and down. Sometimes it irritates me when people say God has blessed them, because I think, what about these other good people?
    Glad you had a lovely holiday and gave yourself a break from social-media. I’ve avoided my blog for a while, and I felt I just needed to clear my head alone. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Oh wow how have I only just seen this?! I’m so sorry!

      Totally agree with what you’ve said, it’s like one big game of lottery right? – If you’re born into a rich or poor family, if you win the “genetic lottery” and end up being ridiculously attractive. It’s all just one big game of luck, and no one gets to choose where we end up. It’s good to have a break from blogging sometimes, like you said sometimes you just need to be alone and clear your head, essentially reenergising yourself. Hope you’re well lovely xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • The Style of Laura Jane says:

        Hey, it’s nice to hear from you! I hope all is well with you. No need to apologise, the same happens to me where I’ll discover a comment from a while back. Glad you agreed with what I said.
        Funnily enough, I’ve cut back from blogging for the past couple of weeks, and just getting back into it again. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. crystalsandcurls says:

    I SEE THAT TWENTY ONE PILOTS QUOTE GIRL 😉 Oh my, there’s so much to this post that I actually don’t even know where to begin…. I completely understand what you mean about going on holiday and feeling massively aware of how lucky you are in comparison to other people. We experienced the exact same thing in Mauritius, like there were literally people in shanty-towns five minutes down the road from us. But they were honestly the most lovely, happy people. Our coach ended up breaking down and they all brought us out cold drinks while we waited and were just really friendly. I’m glad you took that social media detox, I honestly don’t think they can be anything but good for your mental state and happiness 🙂 AND GIRL WHEN I SAY YOU ARE MY SOUL ANIMAL!!! Literally EVERYTHING you were saying about people complimenting your looks I was nodding my head to like “yes, yes, YES.”. Like you said, looks are such a minor and completely uncontrollable part of you like to be appreciated for your looks is nice but you aren’t being appreciated for anything YOU’VE done; you aren’t being appreciated for YOU. The things that make you up are the things you control, like how you treat people and things you’re interested in and jokes you tell – people complimenting those are people that actually like you. Loved this xxxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Hahaha I knew you wouldn’t let me down 😉 And I agree, the people we saw seemed so happy regardless of their circumstances and it really puts things into perspective – maybe they’re not even aware of their situation in comparison to others because they’re happy and they don’t think of it as a negative thing? I hope so because that’s a nice thought. But then I feel bad for thinking of it as negative! Who knows, it’s a cycle. Either way, it shows happiness can come from anywhere and materialistic things etc. are absolutely not the source for it. It’s a nice little confirmation (and reality check). So glad I’m not the only one that feels that way on the complimenting thing, wasn’t sure if I explained it in a way that didn’t sound arrogant! (I hope it didn’t). So glad you liked this!! Thank you for reading hehe xxxx

      Like

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    This post was so beautiful ahhhh damn you just pointed out all my thoughts and feelings. I also talk with my best friends about how we get to live this life in a country where we have freedom and in others who have to fight for their human rights… It really makes me feel sad. Life is unfair. I wish that someday I can do something for those who suffer. I also love to talk with strangers. I remember times that I was talking with some little girls from Marroco and we talked about religion and everything. It was so interesting. I love those deep conversations because I learn so much of them ❤️

    I also agree that it’s so great to take a break from social media. I bought a lot of books lately and I really want to read them. The internet is never ending and so addictive 😂😭 I also love to listen to music and just enjoy the moment.

    I also would love that people compliment me because of something else than my physical. I’m much more worth than to just be pretty. This was wonderful written ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It’s such a strange world, even stranger that we can’t control the situations we’re born into right? Like, who gets to decide? It really does put things into perspective. I too hope to do something one day, I really do. And I agree, you really can learn such a lot from these people! It’s one of those things you never forget.

      Girl, get yourself off the internet and throw yourself into some books!! It’s the best I swear, getting caught up in a whole new world!

      Thank you for your lovely words as always, your thoughts mean so much!! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. priya says:

    I loved reading this Chloe, I’m glad you had such a lovely holiday! It’s so beautiful to read about people recognising privilege, whenever I go to India to visit any family I have over there it’s one of the things that kinda gets me down for a little bit, just the stark difference and how much we have compared to others, and yet how we find it in ourselves to complain about heaps of trivial things!

    It’s so weird how similar our wavelengths are too girly, I feel like whenever I’m feeling a certain way, I’m sure to read a blog post from you soon that perfectly sums up the exact way I’m feeling and this was no different, considering how productive and busy I’ve been these last few weeks, with work and university, and making some changes to my social life and the people I make time for, I’m feeling great, but definitely been busy! xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thanks so much lovely girl! It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. So weird that you said that about timings though…I think we balance each other out in a way (does that make sense?) like, fate is real – maybe we’re just psychic! So glad you’re feeling great, sometimes I’m like woah I’m so busy I need to slow down a bit but I also thinks that’s the price you have to pay to get everything packed in sometimes – I’d rather be happy and busy than unhappy and bored!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • priya says:

        We definitely have some weird balance that goes on between us, and it freaks me out but I love it all the same. 100% would take being on the go and busy but happy any day over being unhappy with nothing to keep me occupied! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. questionsfromateenager says:

    Glad your holiday was relaxing and you got to make some new memories! I’ve also become so painfully aware of my own privilege, even when I’m just walking down a street in the city. It seems so unfair that so many people, good people, are born into poor circumstances and have absolute no control over it. It makes me grateful to lead such an easy life but also makes me sad and angry because what makes me deserve it any more than them? Sometimes I just hate that society can be so materialistic, I mean if we all dedicated half of what we spend on things we don’t need to helping people not as priveleged we would be making a huge difference. I just hate that “if it doesn’t affect me then I don’t care” mentality.

    Taking a break from all things social media is an absolute ESSENTIAL. I’m actually on a break right now, seeing as I currently don’t have a phone (good old clumsy me dropped it) and the one thing I always notice is just how much time I spend on my phone when it all adds up. I’ve been reading a ton of books lately, just me lying in my hammock and sipping on iced coffee while immersing myself in a different world. And I GET what you wrote about wanting someone to compliment you on something you have control over – I’m like that too. It just seems so basic and surface-level, to only praise physical features. I want something personal, something about myself that is MY CHOICE or something that I worked for. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Yes! So glad I’m not the only one that sees things this way, couldn’t have said it better myself. It just feels like there’s no logic to it, right? We’re all born into situations we have no control over. I too hate the mentality that if it doesn’t affect you there’s no need to care, it’s so ignorant. One thing I refuse to ever be is ignorant. I want to be as educated and aware as possible, at all times.

      Maybe it was a good thing that you dropped your phone?! (Gotta stay optimistic, everything happens for a reason right?) if it means you’re getting the break you need and deserve, then that’s a positive thing in my eyes. I love getting lost in books and you’re so right, they pass a lot of time and I’m obsessed with immersing myself into a whole new world. Thank you so much for your lovely thoughts as always – they’re so appreciated xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. abbyuppington says:

    It sounds like your holiday did your mind the world a lot of good, which is brilliant. Sometimes an escape can take you away from your reality and make you seen the bigger picture. It’s healthy to do that.
    Also, you are beautiful because of who you are.
    X

    Liked by 2 people

  7. tarini says:

    looks like you had a great holiday and i like that you had a little social media detox as it can be so fun to just disconnect with the internet & all our devices and just spend some quality time with family and friends! also i agree with what you said about being called pretty (it’s obviously very nice and sweet) but i wish sometimes people would look beyond physical appearance and more into your personality & good qualities! anyway lovely post really enjoyed it x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you! It really is fun to just switch off and disconnect for a while, I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels that way about being called pretty (I didn’t want it to come across as rude or arrogant!) xx

      Liked by 2 people

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