she

It’s weird how for years you couldn’t go a day without missing someone and now you don’t miss them at all. The sickness is gone. The feeling no longer there. The storm has washed over you and washed everything away, and now all that’s left is the calm. The calm after the storm, as they like to call it. It’s strange. you think you won’t get through, but you do. You always do. I don’t think about you at all. You’re ashes of what you used to be, you took the old me with you and burned her along with everything you ever promised the innocent girl who thought she could be saved by someone other than herself. this girl right here is different, she’s wise. She’s strong. She’ll break your bones with a single touch and she looks like an angel, she’s delicate but not fragile. Breakable but not broken. Like glass. Sometimes you think you can see straight through her into other things but you can’t, that’s just her way of showing you that you’ll never really know what’s underneath. You’ll never understand what’s inside, because that’s the way she likes it. You might think you have her all figured out but you don’t, you can’t, you never will.

It’s a choice, not one that fell naturally and elicits or asks for your pity. She doesn’t want it and she doesn’t want you. She wants herself, always always herself. Forever. Not you, not you anymore. Not ever. She’s the one that got away, but she’s also the one who didn’t want to stay, the old her thought she did, she thought it was comfort – the right thing. It’s funny how the right thing can look so distorted when you’re being poisoned by emotions from your past. It’s funny, you almost saw her smile. Hope it haunts you. I hope you hear her laugh in your sleep. I hope you realise you’ll never get to hear that laugh again because you’re not one of the lucky ones, not anymore. You were, a long time ago, in the days before she found who she really was and realised she wasn’t made up from pieces of you anymore. You lost out, kid. When you see her in your dreams, I hope you keep your eyes closed because you know no one will ever look at you again the way she did, those deep sea eyes filled with so much hope for you that you never fulfilled. It’s your doing, not hers, it’s funny how you tried to destroy her but ended up destroying yourself.

Now you’re just ashes on the ground, a ghost of past memories, but she, she is wild and beautiful and roaring and she will no longer be silenced. I hope it haunts you, I hope you know you’ll never see my face again because it will break you, looking through the glass and realising there’s nothing on the other side.