I feel like at the moment I’m just kind of floating around somewhere in between. I haven’t been as active on here lately because I’ve found (good) stuff that keeps me off social media and occupies my time, so I’ve been fully enjoying that and embracing it. I was talking to someone yesterday about depression and I don’t think I have it anymore, it’s kind of weird I guess. I think in a way it’ll always be there underneath the surface but for the most part I’ve learned to handle myself. Some days are bad days – you just wake up and something feels off. Sometimes I wake up and feel so anxious I can’t breathe or sit still, other days I wake up and everything affects me and makes me feel sad. My bad days are still that – bad days, they come at me full force and I have the urge to take my life or do harm to myself and I feel hopeless and wonder what the point of everything is, and then the next day I wake up and I’m okay again. And I’ll be okay for weeks, only dipping in and out of sad feelings and not letting them consume me, and then one day I’ll wake up and it’ll be a bad day again. I think I’ve learned to live with these feelings for so long that now it doesn’t feel like mental illness to me, I don’t know if I’m ‘still’ ill or if I’m just a very emotional person and feel things more than everyone else does, like I’ve mentioned before…maybe just a little more human than the rest of us. I don’t know.
I feel everything so deeply and everything consumes me…but only the sad stuff. I realised this yesterday when I was talking to my friend and they said “Well doesn’t it work both ways?” and I realised no…actually it doesn’t. When something good happens it doesn’t consume me with happiness and take over my whole body, it’s only the sad things that do that. When good things happen I react to them in a way that’s deemed ‘normal’ I guess (whatever the hell that is) but when sad things happen? It’s a whole different story.
I wrote this post around a month ago now and I cannot get it out of my head, I’m feeling like that again today but of course, not as in depth. On bad days everything consumes me but for the rest of the time the sad feelings kind of sit on the surface and don’t actually get to me anymore, like today for example, I’m feeling the way I did when I wrote that post but…only on the surface. I’m acknowledging it but I can still go about my daily life and laugh today, it’s not sending me into some wild trance where I feel like I’m not even on this planet anymore. I explained it better in a previous post but I can’t remember which one it was, if you’ve read it you’ll know what I mean.
Sometimes I wish I could just do something you know, it’s the act of feeling helpless. Like, what can I do to ease this or make it better…but in situations like that, the answer is always the same – nothing. You can’t change things that are irreversible. I just wish it hadn’t happened. There are so many people that suffer in silence and I wish I could save all of them, I wish I could keep them here. I don’t know. It hurts.
It’s like, this place is my own personal diary and sometimes it’s nice to just be able to write about how I’m feeling. Obviously, the difference is that people can read this, but I don’t mind you guys seeing it. Like I said before, I share my feelings because I know what it’s like to feel isolated and like you’re the only one in the world that feels a certain way sometimes. I don’t want people to feel like that.
I feel like what I’m putting out lately doesn’t really feel like much because they’re things I’ve written previously and not necessarily now, but I don’t really have anything to say right now. I’m just kind of coasting in between – I’m not happy and I’m not sad…I’m positive and I’m getting through and I’m doing okay. I’m okay. I still have bad days and you know, today I woke up and I’m hurting about a situation I have no control over and people may find it stupid because I don’t even know the people involved but still, I’m hurting and of course they are too, and I wish they weren’t.
Sometimes I feel like I have to wrap myself up in cotton wool in case I expose myself to sad things and then fall into this downward spiral that I can’t get out of, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t live life like that. Sure it’s working for me right now, but it’s not going to be that way forever.
Something happened yesterday and I realised it and kind of just sat there for a moment in a state of awe. I don’t know what brought it on but I ended up watching this video –
And of course, the whole time I was staring at Jonghyun, watching him blink and move and laugh and speak and I was just thinking…you don’t do that anymore. Why don’t you do that anymore? I wish we could rewind time. I wish we didn’t have to sit here now and say it’s too late.
I started thinking again, and thinking and thinking and thinking as I do, and I got sad like always. While this was happening, somebody randomly asked me if I’d ever get a tattoo for an artist and instantly I was like yes, some of the tattoos I already have are for artists – Lana, Ari. And I plan to get more for other artists too, because these are the people that have saved me and shaped me.
I didn’t mention it in my other post, but I knew I wanted to get a little tattoo at some point for Jonghyun / SHInee. Call it stupid, I don’t care. I just felt so compelled to do it, I didn’t even know these people but the whole thing affected me so much I just knew I wanted to do something, to know that they left a mark and that it mattered. Jonghyun mattered and SHINee matter and even though I don’t even know them and I don’t know all of their songs and didn’t even know they existed until a few months ago, they will always have all of my love and respect because life is fucking hard and they’re so brave to continue to do what they’re doing after everything they’ve been through. I have so much love for that. Like I said, I want to give them my whole heart. There’s no amount of words to describe how much respect and love I have for that. It impacted me and it’s still impacting me and I knew I wanted to do something for it – like I said, I just felt compelled.
Which brings me onto my realisation. If you’ve read my blog posts for a while you’ll know that my religion is basically the universe and that it does weird and wonderful things for me all the time – it works in magical and mysterious ways. This is one of them.
Recently I had an eye tattooed on me for basically no reason other than the fact I think they’re super cool and poetic – the windows to the soul. I’d wanted one for a while and so at my tattoo appointment I thought I may as well get it along with the other 2 I was getting at the time. Last week (3 weeks after I got the eye tattoo) I was listening to SHINee songs I hadn’t heard before, and one of them was called Odd Eye. Now, it was the first track on one of their albums and I was just playing them in order so naturally, this one came on first, (basically, I wasn’t paying attention to the name of the song).
Instantly I was like wow, this is amazing, I fell in love with it straight away and it instantly became one of my favourite songs of theirs, for the next few days I played it on repeat because I loved it so much. I also then discovered that Odd Eye was written and composed by none other than Jonghyun himself…of all people. This was completely his song.
Skip back to yesterday when I’d just watched the “In a Box” video and was feeling sad and then someone randomly asked me if I’d ever get a tattoo for an artist. It reminded me that I still wanted to get a SHINee / Jonghyun tattoo at some point as a little tribute.
I don’t really know what happened next but I wanted to listen to music and of course, which song was at the top of my playlist and staring me straight in the face? Odd Eye.
Odd Eye, a song that I’d recently discovered and fallen in love with that just happened to be written and composed by Jonghyun himself. Odd Eye, something that fitted perfectly with the random ‘cartoon’ eye I’d just had tattooed on me that had no real meaning up until now.
Suddenly it was just this realisation of…that’s it. That’s the tattoo.
The universe had literally put this whole thing together for me and I didn’t even realise. The timing was perfect. It was fate. Call me crazy but things like this happen to me all the time and I know it’s the universe making things fall into place for me – coincidences aren’t just coincidences. Magic is real. You just have to be open to it and believe in it. Whether it’s the Law of Attraction, karma, fate – you name it. It’s real. It’s there. The planets align and the universe really does make things happen. I didn’t know what I wanted this tribute tattoo to be because like I said, I don’t know these people, I didn’t even know they existed until months afterwards but upon discovery the whole thing affected me so much I just wanted to do something and the universe made that happen without me even realising until the end when the timing was perfect and it all just fell into place.
Not only did it make me sit there in awe for a few minutes thinking wow…did that just happen? But it made me feel better. It eased the feeling because it made me feel like I’d done something and it was meant to be that way, it literally fell into my lap.
I’m telling you. Life is crazy. Magic exists. This tattoo literally came to me… like some kind of sign. I’m choosing to fully accept and embrace that.
I updated my original tattoo post to reflect these ‘changes’ but obviously, I didn’t go as in depth there as I did here. I’m a spiritual person in the sense that I believe in energy and retrograde and karma and fate and the universe aligning etc. and I have so much love for it, the universe always does amazing things for me and I’m forever grateful for that. Someone is always looking out for me.
“Universe must have my back, fell from the sky into my lap…”
Here’s the song anyway – I guess you could say it came into my life at exactly the right time…right?
And here’s my odd eye – for you, Jonghyun. Forever SHINee.
All my love (and so much more),