Last night I was…I don’t even know what happened. Like I mentioned in this post, I don’t know how I keep getting into these situations, it’s like I just open my eyes and suddenly everything is unfolding in front of me. I was listening to Clearly by Grace Vanderwaal, which is one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard in a long time. Sounds strange but, I feel like it cleansed me – it allowed me to breathe. I played it on repeat with the volume high and my eyes closed. I just listened.
A feeling came over me and I’m not sure what it was, I had this urge to grab my journal and start writing but I knew my brain would be throwing out words faster than my hands could write them so I typed them up instead. That’s where this post came from.
Afterwards, I did get my journal and continue to write some more – it wasn’t until halfway down the page when I was still writing that I unknowingly wrote down the thing I was experiencing because to be quite honest, I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I’d written the line “It’s not about me anymore.”
And that was it. That was the realisation.
It’s not about me anymore – this sadness I have is not for me anymore but rather, it’s for other people. I want to take away the pain and the sadness of others and instead, encompass them in light. There are so many good people in this world and it hurts me that some don’t know just how good they are, I wish they could see it. In some cases – I wish they could have seen it before it was too late.
I don’t know what the feeling was, I was writing away and thought I’d listen to Tori Kelly’s new album (for the first time) while doing so – one of the songs on there is called Questions and I was instantly drawn to play this one first. After I’d listened to Clearly, I felt cleansed and now here I was writing and listening to Tori’s soft voice sing about a better day that was yet to come, it all felt like it had come together to happen as a stream of events, it was strange.
A warm energy came over me as I realised that what I’d written was the explanation I’d been looking for – it’s not about me anymore.
It made me feel like my journey had advanced and progressed suddenly because now, it was something bigger than me – it was about the bigger picture. It wasn’t just about me, it was about others, like I’d been given the strength I needed to get through my own struggles and now I needed to share that with others because I had it within me and now I was strong enough to help.
I don’t know, all of this feels ridiculous to write because I don’t know what I’m trying to say, it’s like…it’s as if I found God. But I’m an atheist. I’m spiritual but not religious…so I don’t know what I found or I guess, what found me, but it was something and I felt it and I knew it was there and since then I haven’t felt the same, I feel like I’ve been given my purpose. I don’t know. What am I saying?
After finding out about Jonghyun it’s haunted me and like I’ve said before, it’s affected me more than anything else has and I don’t know why. I’ve written about it in great detail three times now yet I still can’t get it out of my head, I still feel as though I have more to say. Usually when something’s swirling around my mind I write about it and move on, that’s how things work for me – I get the thoughts and feelings out and in turn I feel satisfied – the thoughts then stop coming.
But this…this won’t go away, I think about it every day and like I said, I’ve written about it in depth three times now yet it’s still not enough. Mix that with the fact it’s been haunting me ever since, then I listened to Clearly and it allowed me to breathe, then I listened to Questions and wrote all of this stuff down and now I feel like I’ve had this big realisation…I don’t know what the hell’s going on. I know this isn’t making sense but I can’t describe it properly and that’s so frustrating. It’s just…I’ve found my purpose? I don’t know. Something has found me and I’ve noticed it and now I just need to work the rest out, but I can’t help thinking this whole thing is so strange because it all happened in a sequence one after the other, just like it was meant to. I know I say this all the time but the universe really does work in crazy ways, though this doesn’t feel like the universe’s work this time, it feels like something else, someone else, though I don’t know who…or what. Someone wants me to know something and now I know it I don’t know what to do with it. Write it down I guess, since that’s what I’m doing right now…but then what? I guess I’ll find out.
It’s like this realisation…this understanding. I understand. I get it. It’s like this understanding of the fact that life isn’t for everybody and sometimes people aren’t bad people, they just have bad energy…but that doesn’t always make them a bad person I guess, I don’t know. I only have time for good energy, for love and light. There are so many people who are rays of light in this world and I wish I had the chance to thank them for it, for getting me through days I didn’t quite have all the strength to make it through, but I found it in them. I wish I could say thank you – I wish they could understand just how good they really are. I thank the world for people like that.
“There are some days that must happen to you.”
I don’t know. Read these posts…it’ll make more sense. They’re documented here. I guess that’s the beauty of writing.
Also, this song randomly floated into my head halfway through writing this post. I don’t know if that means something.
All my love,
P.S. – In my original posts I mentioned that my initial idea for the Jonghyun tattoo was a lower case “j”, just as a little tribute to him. I had a realisation a few days ago that I could still incorporate my original idea of the “j” into the eye tattoo for SHINee and I was randomly thinking about this again just before I went to review this post (like, 5 minutes ago). All of my draft posts are saved in a folder on my laptop so in order to open this post up, I had to go into the folder. I wanted keep the folder hidden just in case anyone ever managed to find it therefore I never named it anything obvious, I just chose a random letter for it to be called – as in, I just randomly pressed the first letter that I saw on the keyboard. I was minding my own business thinking about this tattoo, subconsciously clicking to get into this folder which I created over a year ago and have never changed the name of – I don’t even pay any attention to it because it’s just a random letter…but guess what that letter is? My mind all of a sudden came to a halt like something was telling me to pay attention, there was a little voice in my head saying “LOOK”.. and guess what the name of this folder was? Guess what was staring me straight in the face as I went to open it up?
I am speechless.
If that isn’t a sign…I don’t know what is.