17/09/18
Last night I wasā¦I donāt even know what happened. Like I mentioned in this post, I donāt know how I keep getting into these situations, itās like I just open my eyes and suddenly everything is unfolding in front of me. I was listening to Clearly by Grace Vanderwaal, which is one of the most beautiful things Iāve heard in a long time. Sounds strange but, I feel like it cleansed me ā it allowed me to breathe. I played it on repeat with the volume high and my eyes closed. I just listened.
A feeling came over me and Iām not sure what it was, I had this urge to grab my journal and start writing but I knew my brain would be throwing out words faster than my hands could write them so I typed them up instead. Thatās where this post came from.
Afterwards, I did get my journal and continue to write some more – it wasnāt until halfway down the page when I was still writing that I unknowingly wrote down the thing I was experiencing because to be quite honest, I couldnāt put my finger on it.
Iād written the line āItās not about me anymore.ā
And that was it. That was the realisation.
Itās not about me anymore ā this sadness I have is not for me anymore but rather, itās for other people. I want to take away the pain and the sadness of others and instead, encompass them in light. There are so many good people in this world and it hurts me that some donāt know just how good they are, I wish they could see it. In some cases ā I wish they could have seen it before it was too late.
I donāt know what the feeling was, I was writing away and thought Iād listen to Tori Kellyās new album (for the first time) while doing so ā one of the songs on there is called Questions and I was instantly drawn to play this one first. After Iād listened to Clearly, I felt cleansed and now here I was writing and listening to Toriās soft voice sing about a better day that was yet to come, it all felt like it had come together to happen as a stream of events, it was strange.
A warm energy came over me as I realised that what Iād written was the explanation Iād been looking for ā itās not about me anymore.
It made me feel like my journey had advanced and progressed suddenly because now, it was something bigger than me ā it was about the bigger picture. It wasnāt just about me, it was about others, like Iād been given the strength I needed to get through my own struggles and now I needed to share that with others because I had it within me and now I was strong enough to help.
I donāt know, all of this feels ridiculous to write because I donāt know what Iām trying to say, itās likeā¦itās as if I found God. But Iām an atheist. Iām spiritual but not religiousā¦so I donāt know what I found or I guess, what found me, but it was something and I felt it and I knew it was there and since then I havenāt felt the same, I feel like Iāve been given my purpose. I donāt know. What am I saying?
After finding out about Jonghyun itās haunted me and like Iāve said before, itās affected me more than anything else has and I donāt know why. Iāve written about it in great detail three times now yet I still canāt get it out of my head, I still feel as though I have more to say. Usually when somethingās swirling around my mind I write about it and move on, thatās how things work for me ā I get the thoughts and feelings out and in turn I feel satisfied ā the thoughts then stop coming.
But thisā¦this wonāt go away, I think about it every day and like I said, Iāve written about it in depth three times now yet itās still not enough. Mix that with the fact itās been haunting me ever since, then I listened to Clearly and it allowed me to breathe, then I listened to Questions and wrote all of this stuff down and now I feel like Iāve had this big realisationā¦I donāt know what the hellās going on. I know this isnāt making sense but I canāt describe it properly and thatās so frustrating. Itās justā¦Iāve found my purpose? I donāt know. Something has found me and Iāve noticed it and now I just need to work the rest out, but I canāt help thinking this whole thing is so strange because it all happened in a sequence one after the other, just like it was meant to. I know I say this all the time but the universe really does work in crazy ways, though this doesnāt feel like the universeās work this time, it feels like something else, someone else, though I donāt know whoā¦or what. Someone wants me to know something and now I know it I donāt know what to do with it. Write it down I guess, since thatās what Iām doing right nowā¦but then what? I guess Iāll find out.
Itās like this realisationā¦this understanding. I understand. I get it. Itās like this understanding of the fact that life isnāt for everybody and sometimes people arenāt bad people, they just have bad energy…but that doesn’t always make them a bad person I guess, I don’t know. I only have time for good energy, for love and light. There are so many people who are rays of light in this world and I wish I had the chance to thank them for it, for getting me through days I didnāt quite have all the strength to make it through, but I found it in them. I wish I could say thank you ā I wish they could understand just how good they really are. I thank the world for people like that.
āThere are some days that must happen to you.ā
I donāt know. Read these postsā¦itāll make more sense. Theyāre documented here. I guess thatās the beauty of writing.
sometimes I wish I didnāt feel so much
Also, this song randomly floated into my head halfway through writing this post. I donāt know if that means something.
All my love,
Chloe .xx
P.S. ā In my original posts I mentioned that my initial idea for the Jonghyun tattoo was a lower case ājā, just as a little tribute to him. I had a realisation a few days ago that I could still incorporate my original idea of the ājā into the eye tattoo for SHINee and I was randomly thinking about this again just before I went to review this post (like, 5 minutes ago). All of my draft posts are saved in a folder on my laptop so in order to open this post up, I had to go into the folder. I wanted keep the folder hidden just in case anyone ever managed to find it therefore I never named it anything obvious, I just chose a random letter for it to be called ā as in, I just randomly pressed the first letter that I saw on the keyboard. I was minding my own business thinking about this tattoo, subconsciously clicking to get into this folder which I created over a year ago and have never changed the name of – I donāt even pay any attention to it because itās just a random letterā¦but guess what that letter is? My mind all of a sudden came to a halt like something was telling me to pay attention, there was a little voice in my head saying āLOOKā.. and guess what the name of this folder was? Guess what was staring me straight in the face as I went to open it up?
I am speechless.
If that isnāt a signā¦I donāt know what is.
love when writing can be therapeutic & make you realize things you otherwise wouldn’t šš»
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Right!
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This post is amazing. I can understand you š You are amazing. I also feel like I want to help people and remind them how beautiful they are. There are so many good people out there you just have to find the right ones. You write so beautiful.
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Ahh thanks angel š you’re the best xxx
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You always explain and articulate these moments and thoughts that so many of us have, so perfectly and clearly. I 100% agree with Mia, I could read chapters and chapters of your writing. Also, ever since listening to Clearly after seeing it on your post, I’ve been listening to it non-stop, and it’s stuck in my head all the time! The chorus is so uplifting! xx
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Ahh you flatter me! It’s such an amazing song right? Totally agree, so uplifting and beautiful .xx
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Honestly, girl, I feel like you could write a self-help/spirituality/personal growth book at some point! Loved this post (as always) – I love those really rare moments of clarity where you can reflect on what your true values are and rewlise how much you’ve changed and grown ā¤
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Ahh Mia this made me smile š thanks girl. xxx
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I feel like those vital realisations always come at a time of great need, though it is seldom that I have a moment of total, clear perspective on life, on myself, on my decisions. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re so rare that make them so special and even more sought out. I’m glad you feel like that you finally have some clarity and can maybe even move on from a lot of things that have been holding you back for a while. Some realisations take longer than others, just as it will always be easy to let go of some things yet even harder with others. I feel like some things happen at the right moment for a reason and can ultimately lead to a happier state of mind. That’s just my two cents on this wonderfully written post of yours. xx
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Oh you always know the right things to say š you have the best words. Your thoughts are always so appreciated and you’re absolutely right, they always come at a great time of need and are rare enough that they really do become special and significant. Thank you for reading xxx
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How lovely. I enjoy those ‘little clear moments’ – when we can really see.
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Thank you! Me too š
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