second chances

Hi loves,

I wrote this post a long ass while ago now and it’s just been sitting in my drafts ever since. This week I’m planning on doing some October wrap ups so before I do that I thought I’d start off Monday with one of my rambling posts as usual – like I said, I wrote it a while ago so some of the timings are probably off but just go with it – I hope you enjoy .xx

I haven’t written a post like this for a while (or so it feels)– a long, chatty, in depth talk about emotions and feelings and all that jazz. My blog used to pretty much consist of only those types of posts and you all seemed to really enjoy them but I haven’t posted one for a couple of months and it felt weird, I feel like I’ve been disconnected from my blog a bit lately and I’ve no idea why – I still post and interact with everyone as much as I always have done, but it just felt like something was missing, and maybe it was one of these posts.

The reason I haven’t posted one like this for a while is because the inspiration for them would come from places of sadness, basically. I wasn’t sad in the post itself – I would just use it as an opportunity to talk everything out and express my emotions in order to grow from them, but lately I’ve been so content and happy that I’ve literally had nothing emotional and in-depth to write about, which is I guess both a blessing and a curse (for a writer) – I usually write more when I’m sad because it’s like a release for me however, when I’m happy I’m very much just in the moment and trying to enjoy it for what it is, therefore the insightful emotional posts from Chloe have been lacking lately.

However,

Welcome to today’s post.

I am not sad today, but I do have something to write about – second chances.

Second chances are something I’ve always struggled with in life, it’s kind of like a battle between my head and my heart. I’m somebody who sees the good in everyone and believes that we all have good, kind hearts – I want to give people second chances (within reason, of course) because I believe that everybody makes mistakes and that we can all learn from them to grow and change, however, they don’t always pay off – I’ve given people second, third…fourth chances before because I’ve wanted to believe they can change, I’ve wanted to believe that they’re good people and that they wouldn’t really hurt me again because they’re ‘different this time’…but somehow, that never really ends up being the case.

So I got tough. I no longer wanted to be walked all over or made a fool of so I became this strong, independent woman (who deffo doesn’t need a man) and basically stopped giving people chances. When someone hurt me or abused my trust, I would leave and cut myself off from them and I felt amazing for it – no way was I going to give them my heart and let them stamp all over it, basically. This goes for both friendships and relationships.

So here I am lately, going about my life, enjoying the fact that I’ve taken control of it and am no longer letting shitty people hurt me because I love and respect myself a lot more than that now, when someone that I used to know basically pops back up into the picture. I never really talk specifically about people on my blog and I definitely don’t mention names, but said person who came back into my life sparked this post and a few others around that time, which was, basically, a really shitty time for me and I ended up spiralling back down into this deep pit of depression, which I talk about in those posts.

Long story short, this is the second time they’ve tried to come back into my life after I cut them off months ago and now I’ve somehow ended up talking to them again because they’re trying to show me they’re a changed person. So cool, whatever – I’ll keep you all posted and we’ll see how that one turns out. The difference is that this time I’m no longer emotionally invested in this person so there’s no chance of me getting hurt, which begs the question of why I didn’t just tell them to get lost again like I have the previous times, but I think it’s because I just felt sorry for them (like I said, I’m too soft) – they told me that the way they behaved was inexcusable and that they miss me and yada yada – things they’ve told me ever since I cut them off and it didn’t look like they were about to give up anytime soon so I was like yeah okay, prove to me you’ve changed then. It’s not like it makes a difference to me because I couldn’t care either way, I think I just feel sorry for them.

So that’s the first second chance I’ve given out this month, the second…second chance I’ve given out was to try and rekindle a friendship with my best friend (you may remember that from this post) but long story short us reuniting was short lived and we ended up going back to the stage of not talking again. We used to send really long emails to each other basically just pouring our hearts out because it was easier to communicate in that sense than it was via text message, so out of the blue after not speaking for a few months (and again, accepting that our friendship was probably over) she sent me an email a couple of weeks ago asking if we could try to make things work because she wanted to come back into my life again and I thought yeah, okay. Like I said, I’m very happy in my life at the moment without these people (that sounds harsher than intended) so it’s not like I need them in my life, I’m doing perfectly fine without them but I guess it doesn’t hurt to try. I just need to stop getting so emotionally invested in everything which is probably my biggest downfall because I’m such an emotional person – everything I do has a massive affect on me, basically. It’s probably another reason why I’m so hesitant to give people second chances now, I want to but if they do the same thing to me as before then I can’t go through it again because of how much it hurt me the first time – why would I want to voluntarily put myself through that twice?

I’m nervous about both situations, actually. Nervous because if both of them go wrong again I won’t know what to do because I could have easily avoided it by saying no, but I didn’t. I have a very different mindset now – like I said, I’m strong, independent and love and respect myself way more now than to let people walk all over me, but I guess I don’t want to actually test that theory out, if that makes sense. I don’t want to re-experience the situation to see if my mind really has changed, I’d rather just avoid the situation altogether and cross that bridge when I come to it because if my mindset does get put to the test and it in fact hasn’t changed, I’m going to go into a deep pit of despair and sadness again basically, and I don’t want that because I’m very content with life right now. Is this even making sense? I’m rambling. Basically, I’m nervous because I don’t want to end up having voluntarily put myself back into a situation that I already got over and was fine with. I’m sure you get what I mean. I don’t want to regret giving out these second chances, but I’m apprehensive.

I hope you enjoyed this little collection of thoughts / life update, (if you could even call it that) – I’ve really missed doing these posts and will just have to learn to pour my heart out when I’m happy as well as when I’m sad.

All my love,

Chloe .xx