i am sad today

Hi loves,

I wrote this post a few weeks ago when I was having a bad day, I don’t feel like this today (I’m actually quite happy right now) but I thought I’d share anyway in case there’s someone that needs to read this today. All the love.

———————————-

Finally, someone put it into a video.

This is how I feel today (though who am I kidding, I feel like this most days). I don’t want to exist today, or interact I guess. I just want to get into bed and sleep, even though I’m not tired and lying in bed is probably the last thing I need.

Nothing is interesting to me, I literally don’t want to do anything. The thought of doing any kind of action makes me think “oh God”. I feel so…unmotivated. Nothing sounds good to me, nothing feels exciting, I’m just kind of sitting here in this black and white world thinking okay…when is someone going to bring some light in? I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. I’m not letting it consume me because I’m so aware of it but honestly I feel like a child. I was watching a baby programme the other day and all I could think of was wow, I wish I was one of them. It sounds ridiculous, I know…but I honestly just feel like a small child sometimes. In some ways I wish I was. Someone to decide everything for me and I’d have no real worries and I could cry when I wanted to and someone would pick me up and hug me etc. I literally sat there being jealous of a baby because I just thought wow, for one day can someone take care of me like that? I’m sure we’ve all had that moment.

It’s so boring. I’m bored. I’m bored of my own brain. I wish I could take all of the unwanted stuff out and keep the rest. I’m sad today but not because I’m actually sad…if that makes sense, I’m just sad because my brain feels sad, other than that I just feel bored. I feel like I’m half asleep and I want to wake up but I can’t because this illness or these chemicals in my brain outweigh the rest of me and I can’t necessarily fight that. I can’t outweigh science. Am I even making sense?

I can’t even smile at people today because I just don’t have the energy, I don’t feel like it, I don’t want to do anything or exist, I just want to sit in the corner wrapped in a blanket and watch the world go by. I don’t want to interact or talk or do anything, I just want to be.

But I can’t.

Because life goes on and the Earth still spins and you still have to live your day to day life even though on the inside I’m thinking oh my God I need to be on my own right now, but I always feel that way. It’s like there’s two parts of me – the sad part and the normal part, and right now the normal part is me writing this and venting my frustration at the fact I don’t want to feel this way today but I can’t help it.

I’m feeling claustrophobic in my own body and while I’ve had this feeling a few times before it’s never been in this exact way. It’s like, I want to be in my body, but just not the way it is. It’s such a weird feeling I don’t know how to even begin explaining it…it’s like, my tattoos, I don’t want them on my body right now. For the first time ever I wish I didn’t have them because I just don’t want them on my skin. Like, they’re trapped on my skin and I have this urge to just wipe them all off because I want to be a blank page right now. I always wear long acrylics too and now all I want is to just take them off and have blank fingers…empty hands. I don’t know. It’s like I just want to be blank…nothing. I can’t look down at my skin because every time I see the ink on it I’m thinking oh God I don’t want it I don’t want it. I want to just erase everything on my body and be blank, I just don’t want anything there at all and it’s freaking me out because I know that can’t happen. I’ll be okay in however many days / weeks but right now I just need everything off and of course, that’s impossible. It’s making me feel like I can’t breathe.

Do you ever have that feeling where no thing is the right thing – I need to speak to someone but no person is the right person, I need a hug but I don’t know who from, I want to listen to music but no song is the right song, I was driving to work this morning and just skipping every single one, it’s like I couldn’t even hear it…nothing fits. I feel like this all the time and it drives me insane because it’s like I’m searching for something but I don’t know what. Dodie also mentioned this in her video which gave me a little bit of comfort too because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that experiences this feeling. It’s like…you need something and you want something, but you don’t know what – nothing feels right. I don’t know what the hell I’m searching for but I know full well I haven’t found it.

I know who Dodie is but I don’t watch her videos however, this one came up in my recommended and of course I clicked it. It just felt comfortable to watch because that’s how I feel, like I just want to sit in scruffy clothes with messy hair and talk about the fact that I’m aware this isn’t reality and I won’t feel this way forever but today I do and my brain is just not co operating and everything is boring and I can’t focus and nothing is capturing my attention and so on. It was just comforting to watch. I wanted to share it in case anyone else hadn’t seen it or needed to watch it again.

I hope you’re all okay, and thank you as always for letting me ramble on about the things in my head that never really seem to quite make any sense these days.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

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10 thoughts on “i am sad today

  1. chloeburford says:

    Finally someone said it! You worded this so so beautifully and I relate to you so freaking much. I have become so indesicive recently, nothing ever feels right and it is so confusing. Nothing I wear looks right and nothing I do feels right. Its an effort to do the ‘normal’ things sometimes like showering, eating, getting out of bed so it is so refreshing to read someone talk about the things I also feel and experience so thank you thank you thank you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so, so much 💙 Sometimes it doesn’t feel like you’re even a person, you’re just carrying yourself around in this body that doesn’t belong to you and you don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it. Just know you’re not alone in how you feel, I hope you’re okay and I’m always here if you ever need anything xxx

      Like

  2. questionsfromateenager says:

    This post hit me hard because as of late, I’ve been having a lot of those days. I don’t exactly know why, which frustrates me even further. The only thing that has really helped me is journaling. The paragraph about wanting to talk to someone specific but not being able to really got me too. I love my time abroad but sometimes I just need to hear the comforting voice of one of my best friends. And being away has made that difficult, despite regular phone calls – it’s not the same.
    Chloe, I, don’t know how you manage to do it every time but what you write always gets to me. It always makes me relate, think and reflect. Beautiful, as always. I think the most important thing to realise is that it’s not abnormal to be sad every once in a while. Everyone is. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Journaling is so ridiculously theraputic, it’s like…my soul saver. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s always been such a natural thing for me to journal – I don’t know or understand what’s happening in my mind but I’ll pick up a pen and before I know it I’ll have a page filled with thoughts I couldn’t quite figure out but now they’re right there in front of me, it’s almost as if I just close my eyes and zone out and when I open them again everything is explained to me – I’ve explained it to myself on the page, the feeling lifts and I’m okay again. I can breathe. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope journaling is helping you in the way you need. Try and take comfort in the fact you’re not alone in feeling this way and like you said – it’s not unusual to be sad once in a while. We’re all human at the end of the day. Thank you for your words as always xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    This was a beautiful post as always ❤️ Your ramblings are my favourites posts of you. I love your honesty and that you sre vulnerable to share this with all of us. I feel like that too when anxiety takes over and when I get sad. I can understand you. I also would love to be a baby so that people take care of me. Sometimes it’s so difficult to take of ourselves when we feel sad. That video explained it very well. I also sometimes want something but at the same time I don’t exactly know how to want something and what it would be. I’m happy you are okay now. I’m always here for you 💕 Love you so much xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Needed to hear this right now 💞 Thank you angel. I have so much love for you, you’re the sweetest, most loveliest person and I really hope you know that. Truly. I appreciate you and your words so much, always !! You always listen and relate and it’s a wonderful thing to do and a wonderful trait to have and I’m so glad I met you – I’m always here for you too, always always always. All of the love in the universe xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hannah says:

    I know you are probably so tired of hearing this but it gets better and these days get further apart until suddenly you cannot remember the last one you had. I have felt similarly before, where all you want is to curl up and sleep because honestly you don’t feel like or have the energy to do anything but yet you’re not tired and you somehow end up staring at a blank wall for an hour and recently I have found myself to be having more days like this but I hope it is just the change in seasons and everything will settle down again. It sucks but it got better for me and hopefully it will get better for you too. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Sometimes it feels that way and then others they seem to come in an almost pattern like state but I know it’ll come back round again and I won’t remember the last one like you said. Thank you for this, I truly appreciate it. I hope that you’re okay and if you ever need anything I’m always here, those days where you do stare at the wall and feel so numb are so painful and I’m sorry you have to go through them, I wish the whole thing didn’t exist but for some reason it does and I don’t know if any of us will ever really know why. There’s no reasoning to any of it. Hopefully when Winter passes we’ll be okay again. Thank you .xx

      Liked by 1 person

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