hello I am so lost

Hi loves,

I feel like I haven’t actually written a post in a very long time, I haven’t sat down to write anything in a couple of weeks and I’ve missed it. In some ways I don’t have anything to say and in others I have too much to say, but I don’t really know where to start with either. So first of all I’ll say HI. HOW ARE YOU ALL?

Lately I’ve been so busy (with what exactly I have no idea, but I’ve been working late and sleeping early and therefore leaving no time in between to do normal day to day tasks) – I’ve said it before but I always have so many posts saved in drafts so I just post whatever feels right at the time, because of that I haven’t actually sat down to write a post in what feels like forever and now I’m like um hi I miss blogging and you guys. I’ve also been casually keeping up to date with everyone’s posts but not as much as I normally would so if I’ve missed a couple of your posts I’m sorry, I’m slowly making my way through!

I got promoted at work recently which I think is what started this inconsistency of blogging because I basically had no time to write posts or catch up with anyone else’s, I was just posting drafts and replying to comments when I had the time and whenever I had a spare 10 minutes I’d read a few posts and write comments here and there, but other than that I feel like I’ve been pretty absent (for me anyway, ‘cause usually I’m on this thing a lot more than I have been recently). But like I said, I’ve been working late and sleeping early. My time has otherwise been filled up with learning (I’ll talk about that in a post soon) or just watching Youtube, I feel like not a lot has been happening in my life that I can really write about and I haven’t had as much inspiration as usual either, but I think that’s just because the time I’d usually dedicate to those things is now filled with something else.

On the other hand, I’m so lost. Like jeez. I am lost. In the grand scheme of things I’m fine because on the checklist of life I seem to have everything ticked off but in terms of like…my soul? Lost. I have no idea. I’ve been looking into so many things and so many options but I’m so scared. Of everything. What’s wrong with me, I have no idea. I’m just too scared to do anything because my brain feels like it’s constantly screaming what if what if what if and I just want to switch it off for a while and tell it to be quiet, but honestly I’m so lost personally, I don’t really know what I should be doing with myself. I deleted the Snapchat and Instagram apps off my phone and as I mentioned in this post, Twitter deleted my account and I don’t have the energy to try and get it back either, so on the social media front I’m pretty none existent right now but that’s how I like it – I feel like that’s why it bothers me even more that I haven’t had time to be on the blog so much because it’s my one outlet of creative space and I haven’t been using it. I’m just repeating myself now but like I said, the time I’d usually dedicate to writing posts has now been filled up with other things and my inspiration lightbulb hasn’t lit up in a while which therefore makes me panic and yada yada. You get the idea. Anyway, in my free time now I’ve just been listening to a lot of music and watching a lot of Youtube and Netflix, as well as writing down lots of ideas for blog posts but just not having the motivation to finish them because it’s like my brain decides it only wants to write the first half, after that everything goes blank and I’m like okay then I’ll finish it another time, but I never do.

I’m not sure what else I want to say, I want to get back into reading again because I stopped recently and that’s been bugging me as well, there are a few books I like the sound of so I’m going to make some purchases and hopefully that’ll kick start me into doing it again. I also want to finish these damn blog posts off because it’s not for lack of ideas, but I just can’t seem to finish them and again it’s bugging me. I’m such a procrastinator I could really kick myself sometimes.

I watched Making a Murderer 2 recently (best series ever, if you haven’t seen it you need to watch it asap) and Sierra Burgess is a Loser (also fab, review coming on that shortly). I’ve been clearing lots of stuff out of my room as well, I don’t know if it’s anxiety but every so often I have this urge to just get rid of all my belongings (possibly the sign of an existential crisis? Stay tuned) and I’ve been watching lots of mini series online (basically, Kpop tv series for lack of better wording). I also went down to posting twice a week around a month ago (probably longer) because I don’t have enough finished drafts right now to keep up with posting 3 times a week like I always have done but I’m regretting that too because it sucks. I feel like I don’t get to interact as much and yeah, it’s a no from me, so I’ll be going back to posting 3 times a week once I get my ass in gear and finish off these damn drafts (I’m gonna start on them as soon as I’ve posted this I’m telling you).

So to sum everything up, I got promoted at work again (yay) but still have no idea what I want to do with my career (problem 1), I’ve had no time to blog because of said promotion (problem 2),  I no longer exist on social media (not a problem), in the spare time I do have I’ve just been brainlessly watching Youtube and Netflix (problem), my soul is so lost I don’t know what the hell to do with it (problem 3) and also I’m having the strong urge to chop my hair off which I’ll probably regret the second after I’ve done it but you don’t know until you try these things so let’s see what happens with that one. I wrote a whole post on this before but now I’m having the dilemma all over again and I’m having to decide whether this is something I actually want to do or whether I’m just having an existential / midlife crisis again (I’m 20 and I swear I’ve had 5 already).

Also, I’m annoyed at myself because I feel like all I’ve posted is depressing stuff lately and I’m like Chloe why but honestly that’s just my mood at the moment and I can’t help it I have a lot of feelings okay. The last thing I want is for this space to become somewhere you see me being sad all the time so I’m putting a stop to that now too, (sadness is okay in small doses Chloe but you can’t talk about it all the time okay).

Oh and I really miss Disneyland. Get me there now please. I wanna live in the land of magic for a while.  My soul needs it.

Anyway, like I said I’m gonna sort all my posts out and be back on track asap ‘cause I hate feeling like I’m not fulfilling my blogging duties (it drives me insane) so be prepared for some more rambles (this is just the first of many) aka buckle your seatbelts everyone.

I don’t know if any of this made sense but I just needed to ramble for a minute and get back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is).

Speak to you all super soon,

All my love,

Chloe .xx