I wanna talk about something I posted in May of last year, though I think I actually wrote it some time during 2016. I wrote a lot of posts talking about the same kind of thing around that time but this was the first one that came to mind when I thought about this so I’m just going to use that one for reference.
Like I said I think I wrote it in 2016, either way I know I’ve felt this feeling for a very long time even before then. It’s 8:30pm right now, I’m sitting here in my room and thinking about the fact that I haven’t moved on from that feeling because I haven’t achieved it yet. I’m no closer to reaching it now than I was back then, possibly even further away this time than I was before. I don’t really know. I just think to myself, when? When will it happen?
I think in some ways you can’t just sit around and wait for life to happen, you can’t wait for magical things to happen to you and just tell yourself that everything will work out in the end, which is a toxic trait I myself have because I sit here thinking oh well, it’ll be fine soon. It’ll be fine. I always use the future to escape the present and therefore I’m not really living, just merely existing and floating through time in the hopes that at some point I’ll magically find my feet and it’ll all have been worked out for me. I don’t like the present so I use the future to escape it, but by disliking the present and therefore ignoring it, I’m not changing it, meaning that the future will just be the exact same thing I’m trying to currently get away from yet also the place I’m trying to escape to. So I find myself in this cycle of consciousness mixed with subconsciousness and I’m never really sure which state I’m in. Maybe a bit of both.
Nothing has changed since then. I had a talk with myself the other day about the fact that the only person that can change things is myself. If I don’t like something I need to change it and if I don’t, how can I be miserable about the fact everything is still the same. What have I done to make it different? I have to want things to change. I have to want to act upon them rather than just convincing myself in my head. I came across a quote which seemed to appear at the right time, and it said:
you are waiting for something that isn’t going to happen
you are waiting for someone who isn’t coming
you are waiting for yourself
And that’s right. That’s the truth right there. This thing I’m waiting for…this person I’m waiting to meet…is me. The person I’m looking for is myself. Because I haven’t met her yet, I’ve met versions of her, good and bad, and I’ve met a mixture of chaos and mess with peace crashing into her every so often, but my soul is restless because there’s still more searching to do. I need to dig up the dirt and find whatever it is that’s buried, express what’s being suppressed…I need to accept the fact that she will always remain hidden unless I stand up and decide that today, I will make a difference. Today, things will change.
I want to cut my hair and delete my social medias and change my name but then I’m like, should I really do it? What if? What if? What if you stop thinking for a second Chloe and just act impulsively and then regret it later. Job done. That’s not the way to do things but at least then I’ll have made some decisions. Albeit them being bad ones. I’ll just have to find out, and in a way that’s what this whole thing is. Discovering, experimenting…finding things out. If it didn’t work then okay, you know that now and you won’t make the same mistake again. If it worked out? Even better. You’ve just opened up another pathway on the road that is life and you’ve found even more routes to explore. It’s all just one big guessing game. I want to do these things but then I think about the future again and then I’m like yeah but what if . What if I need it at some point but I’ve made a dumb decision that I can’t undo? Even pointless, irrelevant things. What if I delete my Snapchat account but in a few months time want to post something cool on my story and there’ll be no one there to see it? What if I delete my Instagram and make a new one but then people think I’m not a real person because I only created it 2 days ago? It’s all external. It’s a worry that comes from the thoughts and opinions of other people and not myself, but again that’s just another battle I have to go through and something that I’m hoping one day I’ll win. For now, it just clouds my thoughts.
In 100 years none of it’s going to matter anyway, I’ll be stardust returned back to the universe and I’ll be floating around somewhere in the sky. Whether I did any of these things or not won’t matter, it will have just made my experience here on Earth more me. Did I do what I wanted to? Or did I just sit here thinking about it and worrying too much? If I don’t take responsibility, I’ll be sitting here in another 2 years saying the same things in a wistful way like I always do. Dreaming but not doing. Get out of your head Chloe. Be physical. You don’t only exist in your thoughts, you’re a real person too. I forget that sometimes, I feel like I’m just this figment of my own imagination and the body I’m carrying myself around in is just that. A body. I don’t need to do anything with it, I can just go back to dreamland and live there instead. I have to connect the two together and realise that I am both things yet separate at the same time. Does anyone even understand this thing we call life? I really doubt it. If you do…I want you to prove it, and if I don’t believe you, you’re lying.
This is an irrelevant point but I’m going to say it anyway because it’s on my mind as I’m writing this, but one thing I do like that continues to grow over time is the fact that I’m very direct. I feel like I say things that other people don’t and I feel like I’m very connected and open in that sense. Maybe they don’t say it because it doesn’t cross their mind or maybe it does but they choose to stay quiet but when I read my posts back to myself I’m like wow I really hit that thing whatever it was, I feel like I’m having a conversation with someone that isn’t myself but is myself at the same time. I don’t know.
I don’t know how to describe it because I feel like sometimes it’s so raw that it’s more than the universe can actually manage because even that isn’t made for being so connected to the point where your soul is bleeding out onto the floor, but I feel like I say real things. Real things. I’ll look you dead in the eye and ask you a question you’ve never been asked before because I’m curious and I want to know. Either because other people’s thoughts don’t go that far and therefore they don’t think about it to ask or because it has crossed their mind but they just haven’t dared to say it. I’ll say it. If I know I’m within the boundaries and the right of curiosity, I will ask you. Or something will cross my own mind and I’ll say it out loud to you and you will have never heard someone say it before but I’ll say it because I’m thinking it. I’ll ask you a direct question and you won’t know how to answer because no one’s asked you before or no one’s wanted to tap into your mind that deeply, but I do. Tell me. I collect all of this information and what I do with it I don’t know, but it feeds my soul because that’s just the way it works. That’s just how the cogs turn in my mind.
I’ll be honest, and I’m not going to put the arrogance disclaimer here because I say it every time and you all know me well enough now to know that my thoughts are absolutely anything but that, but I don’t see people writing like me. Understanding me, yes. Translating in the same way, no. That doesn’t mean it’s a good or a bad thing. It’s just a thing. I haven’t seen it which is why I do it, because I want to see more of it and therefore the person I have to start with is always myself. I’ve seen people’s reactions, they look me dead in the face and say “what?” and then they pause for a moment because suddenly they start thinking. But you know something? They always respond. They always answer. Never have I asked a question that someone has refused to answer, never have I said something that hasn’t elicited a response or something that hasn’t sparked a conversation. It’s because people want to answer. They want to talk about it. They didn’t know it, but now that they’re doing it, they’re enjoying it and now they’re reciprocating it towards me and suddenly we’re having this conversation and this moment that they didn’t think they’d be having, but they like it and suddenly we know each other a little better than we did before. Suddenly I share something with them that they don’t share with anyone else because I made them think, because I asked. Because I tapped into that little part of surrealness in life that goes beyond small talk and things that are on the surface, and I asked them a weird question that’s only deemed weird because no one ever says it out loud even though we’re all thinking it, and if you didn’t think it then you are now and you gave me an answer which tells me that subconsciously you thought it at some point anyway. Or I myself had a thought and said you know what, I’m just going to tell it to you right now and see what your reaction is, because I know that I’m not weird, I’m just human, and it made you feel a little more human too and you acknowledge it and you appreciate it. Because why not? Maybe you do think I’m a little crazy, but that just tells me you’re still living somewhere above the surface and you haven’t tapped into that other part of the universe yet, but when you do I’ll meet you there.
Hopefully 2 years from now I’ll be saying different things rather than the same things that have just changed from growing with time, but we’ll see. We’ll see, we’ll see, we’ll see. I’m bored of saying that too. Less seeing, more doing. We’ll do. We’ll do and then I’ll tell you all about it.
All my love,