This post is probably going to be a bit of a mess, just to forewarn you all.
I feel like for the past 5 / 6 months, I’ve been going really good. For no particular reason at all other than the fact I feel like I’ve found my niche and therefore I’ve just been content. I touched upon it a little in this post and I’ve written about it in other posts which, I’m not sure if I will have posted by the time I upload this one. Anyway, what I’m saying is that I found the things that made me happy and I was okay, I was good, but now I feel like I’m stuck again.
I feel like I’m in a funk. I thought it was something that would blow over once I’d slept it off but I’ve woken up and still feel the same, it’s like I can feel myself disconnecting again and there’s now a barrier between me and the outside world. I’m not focusing properly and I’m not really feeling properly. I’m going kind of numb. I felt like this the other week as well, I just woke up one day and felt so incredibly numb for no reason at all – I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy, angry etc. I was nothing. I had no feeling or opinion on anything, and then a couple of days later it was gone again.
I don’t have any reason to be feeling this way which is what makes me question again…am I ill? Nothing’s wrong, so why am I feeling things that I shouldn’t be feeling? Why am I encountering things that are beyond my control? There’s not a single part of me that wants to feel this way, actually, it’s frustrating. People are asking me why I’m being so quiet and if I’m feeling okay and the answer is always yes, I’m fine, because I am, but I just can’t seem to show it – my body and my mind doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m feeling guilty because I’m literally sitting here in conversations and not participating or saying anything funny like I usually do, and people are noticing – of course they are, and then they’re wondering why, and I have nothing to tell them. When this happens I have to put in extra effort to make sure I’m engaging and talking and basically just acting normal, but it takes so much of my energy because at that moment it just doesn’t come naturally, and then I’m exhausted.
The problem is also the fact that when it comes to things like this, I never really know how to fix it. Since there’s no problem, it also means there’s no solution. How do I fix it when there’s nothing wrong? I don’t really know what it is I need to do in order to get rid of this feeling. I feel like I just need a change, I need to enter a room full of people I don’t know or a place I’ve never been and just navigate my way around, by myself, the way I want to. Is any of this making sense? Probably not. I want to be around people, but also myself. My head hurts.
I find it difficult to have full days at work when I feel like this, it’s weird actually because I can look back on the holiday charts and see how my mental health has been over the years due to how many half days I had at the time, there were some days I just didn’t want to be awake and I’d drive home on the brink of tears and get straight into bed. Mum used to ask me if I still liked my job because I seemed to be taking so many holidays but I always said I did, because it’s true. I love my job, but some days are just bad days, and there’s no explanation needed other than that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back to square one, but right now in this moment I just feel like I’m taking steps backwards and even though I know I’m doing it, I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m missing people I shouldn’t be missing, I’m wanting to reach out to people I never want to talk to again – why? I don’t know. My mind wants comfort and familiarness, and I guess that’s what these people were for me. Key word being were, because they no longer are, but because my heart is looking for that feeling again it’s like my brain automatically redirects it to where I’ve been before, even though I don’t want to go there again – but what else do I know? Those people are the only thing I’ve ever known, so where am I supposed to go from there?
I can feel myself thinking…well what if I try and get it back? What if it didn’t work then, but it will work now? Can I change things? Can I really re-create everything and change the scenario? I can’t. I know I can’t. I don’t even want to but it’s like there’s a devil and an angel fighting with each other on my shoulders – a battle between my head and my heart.
I go through phases of being convinced I’m ill because things get so bad but then I’ll be okay for a while and I’m like hey, maybe I’m not actually ill. Right now, I feel anxious for reasons I’m not quite sure of, I feel weird. Out of place. Like my brain is unravelling and all of the things I’ve worked so hard to neatly pack away have suddenly fallen out and tumbled everywhere, and I’m not really sure how to pick them back up again. I shared too much, I spilled out every secret I had to somebody and now I want them back, but I can’t. Now that person is telling me things I know are true yet I still don’t want to hear them, because I don’t like admitting that person is right when they’re saying things I don’t want to hear. I don’t want them to be right, but they are. Like I said, I shared too much and now I can’t get out of it. I got too comfortable, but then I think, why shouldn’t I? Am I supposed to spend my whole life treading on eggshells, never allowing myself to fully breathe around someone? No. But when I do, I regret it anyway, so really I can’t win.
I’m not getting bad again, I know I’m not. I’m hoping this is just a little bump in the road and I’ll be okay again in a couple of days. I’m tired right now and I cried today for the first time in months so I feel like my emotions are a little higher than usual – I’m overthinking things and trying to piece together puzzle pieces that won’t fit and never will. They didn’t fit two years ago when I was trying to create the picture then, and they won’t fit when I’m trying to create a new picture now. I could change the picture a million times but the jigsaw pieces will still stay the same, and Chloe, they do not fit.
I listened to get well soon because it’s the first thing that came into my head when I started feeling like this, I was singing it out loud almost like a message to myself. Like Chloe, get out of your own head. I spend too much time there, I always have done. I literally live inside my own head and it never does me any good. Through I don’t know what, getting older or maybe just general life experiences, I’ve learned to be able to separate myself from my emotions – I can look at myself and the way I’m feeling / things I’m doing from a bird’s eye view and I can sort it out, or at least, I try. Just because I tell myself these things doesn’t mean I’m still necessarily going to listen. Like I said, I don’t like admitting someone’s right when they’re telling me things I don’t want to hear, but then there’s the other half of me that thinks I should just be quiet and suck it up, because maybe this is the push that I needed.
Is any of it positive or negative? I don’t know.
Anyway, back to the point – because we all know how much I love going off on a tangent – I was listening to get well soon and I was brought back to the feeling I had the first time I heard it and the following times afterwards, and the feelings it gave me. The feelings of which, I cannot seem to recall at this moment in time therefore I can’t describe them to you, but just know they were nice. Sweetener had that effect on me, it reminds me of a good feeling I can’t quite remember. The feeling came back to me for a split second and then went again, but it sparked the idea for me to write this post anyway. There are certain lines in particular that make me tear up and sometimes make me cry, and these are –
“here’s one thing you can trust,
it takes you and me to make us,
one of those days you had enough, I’ll be there,
if it ain’t one thing, it’s another,
if you need someone to pull you out the bubble,
I’ll be right there just to hug you, I’ll be there,
where are you? are you home? call me right on the phone,
I’ll be there, I’ll be there
I don’t care who is gone, you shouldn’t be alone
I’ll be there
I’m with you, I’m with you, I’m with you, just call me
no matter the issue,
no matter what”
It always gets me because she means it. I’ll be driving home sometimes and it’ll come on shuffle and those verses will make my eyes brim with tears, not even sad ones, more like happy ones, because it’s comfort. She means it. She loves us. It’s like a big Ari hug and I’m like thank you, I really wish I could call you and tell you all this shit I’m feeling because I’m sure you’d crack a dumb joke and then proceed to lift me up with some angel words. Then I’d tell you I love you and that I’d call you again soon.
I don’t know who this post is for – basically no one, but also possibly you, and more importantly myself. This is like… a get well soon Chlo. I know you’re feeling weird right now and you’ve just rambled for 10 minutes about God knows what but just know I know and that I’ll support and love you anyway. Get well soon. You can still be on a recovery journey and have bad days, you can still slip up and tell yourself to get well soon – you can still remind yourself of it. There’s no start line that you set off on where you proceed to move smoothly to the finish line without any hiccups or slip ups – they’re there, you’ll encounter them but you can still pick yourself up and tell yourself to get well soon. So get well soon.
I’m with you I’m with you I’m with you just call me, no matter the issue.
No matter what.
All my love,