get well soon

This post is probably going to be a bit of a mess, just to forewarn you all.

I feel like for the past 5 / 6 months, I’ve been going really good. For no particular reason at all other than the fact I feel like I’ve found my niche and therefore I’ve just been content. I touched upon it a little in this post and I’ve written about it in other posts which, I’m not sure if I will have posted by the time I upload this one. Anyway, what I’m saying is that I found the things that made me happy and I was okay, I was good, but now I feel like I’m stuck again.

I feel like I’m in a funk. I thought it was something that would blow over once I’d slept it off but I’ve woken up and still feel the same, it’s like I can feel myself disconnecting again and there’s now a barrier between me and the outside world. I’m not focusing properly and I’m not really feeling properly. I’m going kind of numb. I felt like this the other week as well, I just woke up one day and felt so incredibly numb for no reason at all – I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy, angry etc. I was nothing. I had no feeling or opinion on anything, and then a couple of days later it was gone again.

I don’t have any reason to be feeling this way which is what makes me question again…am I ill? Nothing’s wrong, so why am I feeling things that I shouldn’t be feeling? Why am I encountering things that are beyond my control? There’s not a single part of me that wants to feel this way, actually, it’s frustrating. People are asking me why I’m being so quiet and if I’m feeling okay and the answer is always yes, I’m fine, because I am, but I just can’t seem to show it – my body and my mind doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m feeling guilty because I’m literally sitting here in conversations and not participating or saying anything funny like I usually do, and people are noticing – of course they are, and then they’re wondering why, and I have nothing to tell them. When this happens I have to put in extra effort to make sure I’m engaging and talking and basically just acting normal, but it takes so much of my energy because at that moment it just doesn’t come naturally, and then I’m exhausted.

The problem is also the fact that when it comes to things like this, I never really know how to fix it. Since there’s no problem, it also means there’s no solution. How do I fix it when there’s nothing wrong? I don’t really know what it is I need to do in order to get rid of this feeling. I feel like I just need a change, I need to enter a room full of people I don’t know or a place I’ve never been and just navigate my way around, by myself, the way I want to. Is any of this making sense? Probably not. I want to be around people, but also myself. My head hurts.

I find it difficult to have full days at work when I feel like this, it’s weird actually because I can look back on the holiday charts and see how my mental health has been over the years due to how many half days I had at the time, there were some days I just didn’t want to be awake and I’d drive home on the brink of tears and get straight into bed. Mum used to ask me if I still liked my job because I seemed to be taking so many holidays but I always said I did, because it’s true. I love my job, but some days are just bad days, and there’s no explanation needed other than that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back to square one, but right now in this moment I just feel like I’m taking steps backwards and even though I know I’m doing it, I can’t seem to stop myself. I’m missing people I shouldn’t be missing, I’m wanting to reach out to people I never want to talk to again – why? I don’t know. My mind wants comfort and familiarness, and I guess that’s what these people were for me. Key word being were, because they no longer are, but because my heart is looking for that feeling again it’s like my brain automatically redirects it to where I’ve been before, even though I don’t want to go there again – but what else do I know? Those people are the only thing I’ve ever known, so where am I supposed to go from there?

I can feel myself thinking…well what if I try and get it back? What if it didn’t work then, but it will work now? Can I change things? Can I really re-create everything and change the scenario? I can’t. I know I can’t. I don’t even want to but it’s like there’s a devil and an angel fighting with each other on my shoulders – a battle between my head and my heart.

I go through phases of being convinced I’m ill because things get so bad but then I’ll be okay for a while and I’m like hey, maybe I’m not actually ill. Right now, I feel anxious for reasons I’m not quite sure of, I feel weird. Out of place. Like my brain is unravelling and all of the things I’ve worked so hard to neatly pack away have suddenly fallen out and tumbled everywhere, and I’m not really sure how to pick them back up again. I shared too much, I spilled out every secret I had to somebody and now I want them back, but I can’t. Now that person is telling me things I know are true yet I still don’t want to hear them, because I don’t like admitting that person is right when they’re saying things I don’t want to hear. I don’t want them to be right, but they are. Like I said, I shared too much and now I can’t get out of it. I got too comfortable, but then I think, why shouldn’t I? Am I supposed to spend my whole life treading on eggshells, never allowing myself to fully breathe around someone? No. But when I do, I regret it anyway, so really I can’t win.

I’m not getting bad again, I know I’m not. I’m hoping this is just a little bump in the road and I’ll be okay again in a couple of days. I’m tired right now and I cried today for the first time in months so I feel like my emotions are a little higher than usual – I’m overthinking things and trying to piece together puzzle pieces that won’t fit and never will. They didn’t fit two years ago when I was trying to create the picture then, and they won’t fit when I’m trying to create a new picture now. I could change the picture a million times but the jigsaw pieces will still stay the same, and Chloe, they do not fit.

I listened to get well soon because it’s the first thing that came into my head when I started feeling like this, I was singing it out loud almost like a message to myself. Like Chloe, get out of your own head. I spend too much time there, I always have done. I literally live inside my own head and it never does me any good. Through I don’t know what, getting older or maybe just general life experiences, I’ve learned to be able to separate myself from my emotions – I can look at myself and the way I’m feeling / things I’m doing from a bird’s eye view and I can sort it out, or at least, I try. Just because I tell myself these things doesn’t mean I’m still necessarily going to listen. Like I said, I don’t like admitting someone’s right when they’re telling me things I don’t want to hear, but then there’s the other half of me that thinks I should just be quiet and suck it up, because maybe this is the push that I needed.

Is any of it positive or negative? I don’t know.

Anyway, back to the point – because we all know how much I love going off on a tangent – I was listening to get well soon and I was brought back to the feeling I had the first time I heard it and the following times afterwards, and the feelings it gave me. The feelings of which, I cannot seem to recall at this moment in time therefore I can’t describe them to you, but just know they were nice. Sweetener had that effect on me, it reminds me of a good feeling I can’t quite remember. The feeling came back to me for a split second and then went again, but it sparked the idea for me to write this post anyway. There are certain lines in particular that make me tear up and sometimes make me cry, and these are –

“here’s one thing you can trust,
it takes you and me to make us,
one of those days you had enough, I’ll be there,
if it ain’t one thing, it’s another,
if you need someone to pull you out the bubble,
I’ll be right there just to hug you, I’ll be there,
where are you? are you home? call me right on the phone,
I’ll be there, I’ll be there
I don’t care who is gone, you shouldn’t be alone
I’ll be there

I’m with you, I’m with you, I’m with you, just call me
no matter the issue,
no matter what”

It always gets me because she means it. I’ll be driving home sometimes and it’ll come on shuffle and those verses will make my eyes brim with tears, not even sad ones, more like happy ones, because it’s comfort. She means it. She loves us. It’s like a big Ari hug and I’m like thank you, I really wish I could call you and tell you all this shit I’m feeling because I’m sure you’d crack a dumb joke and then proceed to lift me up with some angel words. Then I’d tell you I love you and that I’d call you again soon.

I don’t know who this post is for – basically no one, but also possibly you, and more importantly myself. This is like… a get well soon Chlo. I know you’re feeling weird right now and you’ve just rambled for 10 minutes about God knows what but just know I know and that I’ll support and love you anyway. Get well soon. You can still be on a recovery journey and have bad days, you can still slip up and tell yourself to get well soon – you can still remind yourself of it. There’s no start line that you set off on where you proceed to move smoothly to the finish line without any hiccups or slip ups – they’re there, you’ll encounter them but you can still pick yourself up and tell yourself to get well soon. So get well soon.

I’m with you I’m with you I’m with you just call me, no matter the issue.

No matter what.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

33 thoughts on “get well soon

  1. Hannah says:

    You said it yourself but no recovery is linear. There are always going to be ups and downs and sometimes you are going to feel like shit for no reason. I spent this entire weekend in a bubble of anxiety for no apparent reason. Sometimes I can drink 3 cups of coffee and feel absolutely fine and sometimes I have 1 coffee and feel like my heart is going to explore it is beating so fast. Life is like that sometimes. The best solution I have found is getting into nature and breathing in fresh air and grounding myself. Hopefully the feeling does not last much longer. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It’s so strange isn’t it. Sometimes I’ll wake up and just instantly know it’s going to be a bad day, and some days things that never usually bother me will affect me a lot and other days things that usually bother me won’t affect me at all. It’s very strange, I guess we just have to learn to accept it. I always think being out in nature grounds you again, whenever I’m feeling like this, I always have to remind myself to look up at the sky .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. questionsfromateenager says:

    Oh Chloe, I feel you so much on this one. I was doing so well since moving back home and then, a few days ago, I kind of crashed, flatlined, plummeted into this weird, dark place where I was stuck, alone, with my deafening thoughts and worries. It was really scary after feeling so great for so long, the contrast definitely made it a lot harder. I’m feeling like I can manage again now, seeing my friends this weekend definitely helped me a lot. I find it both so strange and beautiful when a song speaks to you just when you need it. When a song / artist makes you feel understood and comforted. Beautiful post Chlo, thank you for sharing, it definitely got me thinking and applying what you write to my own life, wishing you all the best & sending you a big fat virtual hug xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      You understand me perfectly as always, sometimes it’s so strange how I can subconsciously be doing so well and then randomly wake up one morning and it’s all over. I’m glad you’re managing again now, so am I – I was hoping it was just a little bump in the road and I think it was – sometimes, I guess we just have to go through these things. Everything happens for a reason, right? Music really does heal and so do the people behind it, I’m eternally grateful for them all. Lots of love, thank you for your wonderful words as always .xx

      Like

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    Wow such a beautiful post! 💗 I love these posts of you so much because I feel it all and can relate to it. I also have days where I feel anxious and sad and don’t know why. Lately I haven’t being okay and experience lots of anxiety because still struggling finding a job and dentist anxiety as I told you. You are so brave to write this all. You will get better 💗 We are always in this together no matter what. I love you xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. chloeburford says:

    Oh honey I feel for you and am sending you tonnes of hugs. It is almost a little bit harder when there isn’t a reason for being sad. The confusion of not knowing why you don’t feel right is so so awful. I loved this so much, I love your bravery and how strong you are. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. You are wonderful okay, never forget that xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. heatherpfeifle says:

    I know it took a lot of guts to share everything you’re feeling. Life can really suck sometimes. But I’ve learned that no matter how bad something feels in the moment, eventually the light at the end of the tunnel makes an appearance. Being aware of your emotions, working through them, that’s best thing you can do for yourself! 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Tiana Khalia says:

    Get Well Soon is honestly soooo good. Listening to it is really comforting, and it’s just one of those songs that just make me sit down and just listen to it. It’s weird lol. Days like this suck, especially when you don’t know why you feel that way . Sometimes it’s best to just let it be. Idk 🤷 Anyway I hope writing it all out helped. 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      So comforting right? Just like a giant Ari hug, I know what you mean though – when it comes on I just find myself stopping whatever it is I’m doing just to sit down and listen, I really get lost in it! Thank you so much for listening to me ramble anyway, it means a lot .xx

      Like

  7. Jade rainbow says:

    Hi.
    Listen if there’s anyone who understands what you’re going through it’s me. I too, feel num constantly and like i’m Not real. I promisse you though that it’ll be okay.
    YOu’ve got his girl!!!
    Also another fellow Arianator!!! Yaaay. Gotta love Ari.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. beforetheclockstrikes12 says:

    Chloe! Beautiful peace as always. What you’re going through right now sucks. I’m really sorry for that. I understand when you say you want to go back to what is familiar even though it did not work out. I can’t sit here and tell you that you most definitely shouldn’t, but as cheesy as it sounds every experience, break-up, fight, lost friend is a lesson, and sometimes it’s the unfamiliarity of life that makes you want to get out of bed in the mornings and head to work or just head out into the world.

    I hate hearing people say that they feel like they are regressing. It sucks to know you’re feeling that way. I read your post about your trip a few years ago to Greece and that bike ride that became one of the best moments/memories of your life. Maybe you can take a bike ride through a secluded area when you have time, even though it is in your home country. Maybe that warm nostalgic feeling mixed with a new biking experience will help.

    Getting stuck in one’s head is horrible. Trust me. I have not managed to escape yet. For me, however, I am trying to get comfortable with my thoughts before truly escaping. I was reading this post and it made me think of some of Kid Cudi’s lyrics:

    “I’m trapped in my mind and I know it’s crazy,
    Hey, it’s not that bad at all.
    When you think of the world, I know it’s crazy,
    Hey, I’m not that bad at all.”

    I love how you incorporate songs and music into your posts. Cudi goes through turmoil and depression throughout the album but on that closing track he realizes that everything is happening for a reason and he just needs to take it in his stride. Sorry if I don’t make any sense. Things will get better Chlo. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much 💙 I really needed this today and your words are always so much appreciated as always, I really mean it. The fact you take the time to even listen to me ramble on about nothing when I can’t even make sense of it myself really is the kindest.

      I know what you mean – if you look at it in an optimistic way it can serve as motivation and therefore determination, right? I spend so much time in my own head that I really have / do try to make peace with it, like becoming friends with my demons, almost, because I’m the one who has to live here so I may as well get comfortable. Music is a huge source of happiness & comfort for me, more importantly the people behind the music are what matter to me most, they really are a light at the end of the tunnel, I adore and fall in love with so many people. There’s always a lyric or a song that pops into my head whenever I’m feeling literally anything at all so naturally that also goes for bad days and sad days, I always find it’s the artists that comfort me most that I end up thinking about during those times, I really am grateful for the art they create because it makes me feel less alone.

      Everything you said made perfect sense and like I said, your words are always so, so much appreciated as always. It really means a lot, thank you. Sending you so much love & light ✨xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Jasmine Hippolyte says:

    Ugh, this is that icky feeling that comes and goes for me quite a lot. It’s great that you’re able to acknowledge whats happening before it gets worse, but you need to allow yourself to completely feel everything before you can move on. At least that helped me move on. One thing that makes me feel happier is pampering myself while listening to ted talks, if you can find something that can motivate you to look ahead rather than look back, it will help a great deal!

    All the best, i hope things work out for you!
    minae ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much, I’m literally obsessed with TED Talks so it’s so weird that you mentioned them, I love to just sit down and be completely immersed in the video listening to whatever topic is being spoken about, I feel like it just clears my mind of everything out because I’m so invested in the story being told. I think a pamper day is well overdue for me !! Thank you so much for your lovely words xxx

      Like

  10. Chips says:

    It definitely sucks to feel that you’re going backwards, be totally aware of it and just be unable to bring yourself to do something about it, and I know that because I write about it in my journal so often. It’s even harder when you don’t know why but these moments do pass and every low has a high eventually.

    If you want to talk about anything I’m here for you. I love you so so so much❤️️❤️️

    PS: Watching Misfits/ One Day At A Time on Netflix makes me feel loads better when I feel like that

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It’s so strange to be so self aware yet have to watch yourself fall apart almost and not be able to do a thing about it, even though you’re fully aware it’s happening. Sometimes I really do think we just have to go through things in order to get over them and it get it out of our systems, maybe that’s why it’s so hard to stop it as it’s happening. I love you so so SO much more angel girl !! Never ever forget it 💞 I’ve never actually watched Misfits or One Day At A Time before but this is as good a reason as any. Thank you for your lovely words as always xxx

      Like

  11. Gracie says:

    Life’s not easy, but you will be okay. It was so brave of you to put this out there 💕💙 stay strong and hang in there, I’m wishing you all the best. Hugs and if you ever want to talk, I’m here 💙

    Liked by 1 person

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