There are some things in life that your heart will never fully heal from and this is one of them for me. I’ve learned that it’s okay and I accept it, I’ll never quite get over it, I’ll never be able to let it go and there will always be a place in my heart not quite filled because there’s a person missing, but that’s okay. It’s all okay.
Ever since discovering him, SHINee, and of course, going through the emotional rollercoaster that is the grieving process, I’ve been effected and changed in ways I never thought I would be. The second I learned about Jonghyun I knew he was going to be special to me, because when you look at him, you realise he’s special in general. It’s rare to find a person so, inherently good, so pure, so wonderful, so loving and so full of passion. Though I feel as though these things always come at a cost, in the form of sadness and demons and sometimes, everything else is not enough.
There are endless things I could say about Jjong, most of which I documented in this post and will therefore refrain from repeating here because I’m not sure if I can. Like I said, there are some things I believe your heart will never truly heal from. I needed something to document that love, a piece of art…an expression for the things I feel and the way in which I am changed and finally, it came to me.
Jonghyun wrote a book called Diphylleia Grayi, also known as Skeleton Flowers (which I spoke about here) – Diphylleia Grayi are little white flowers that become transparent when they come into contact with rain and water, hence where they get their name. I already spoke about the book in this post therefore I won’t repeat it again but essentially, the book is very poetic, very sad and very beautiful. It’s fictional but for people who understand and know Jonghyun, it was very much true. These thoughts and feelings that he spilled out onto the pages came from his own heart and his own mind – I feel as though he projected his feelings onto the characters he created and lived through them – he was telling their story but also, his own. He stayed with me whilst I was taking in every page and listening to every song, because he also wrote a mini album to go along with the book and each chapter had its own song. He was a poet and an artist, both. I wish he’d believed it.
His favourite line from the book was, “He never imagined he would meet such an atrocious depression”. It’s haunting and heartbreaking all at the same time, and I never really know what to say whenever I remember it.
I decided to get my own skeleton flowers, because flowers are beautiful and full of life, and they grow. They flourish, they grow and they change. I always wanted a tattoo to represent Jonghyun but nothing ever felt right, and I would never get something for the sake of it. After reading Diphylleia Grayi I just knew that this was what I needed, I knew this was the right thing.
A lot of things came together for me with this tattoo, the rain is and always has been my favourite weather, so it’s fitting that these very important and significant flowers basically exist because of it – it’s where they get their uniqueness and beauty from. For the past week the weather had been disgustingly hot – the sun making an appearance for all hours of the day, yet the day I woke up to get this tattoo…it was raining. It was grey, it was dark, it was gloomy, and I just knew. I refuse to believe that everything in life just happens to be a “coincidence”. This definitely wasn’t.
There’s a sort of cosiness and sadness that comes and goes with the rain, and I felt that in these flowers. I felt that in Jonghyun’s book also, very much so. As my tattoo artist was etching the flowers into my body…I got very emotional because it felt like everything I’d envisioned was suddenly here right in front of me, on my skin. It just felt right. It was cosy, it was gloomy, it was rainy, it was Jjong, it was that little space in my mind where I go in order to feel like myself.
Of course, the reason I even know about SHINee and therefore Jonghyun in the first place, is because of kpop – this great big wonderful thing that swept into my life when I least expected it yet it turned out to be everything I needed and more. To say it’s my happy place is an understatement. As my artist was tattooing the outline of the flowers, she’d overlapped some of the lines as of course, Diphylleia Grayi are transparent. In doing this it reminded me very much of the flower designs on the covers of BTS’ Love Yourself trilogy because they very much follow the same pattern, and a lot of fans have these flowers tattooed in order to pay tribute to the group. Considering BTS are my favourite group and mean a huge amount to me, it all just felt very coincidental and comfortable, it was just…right. It’s strange how all of it tied in together.
The tattoo is on the inside of my left arm where, I have a lot of self harm scars from when I was younger. I too have had demons, I’ve been there, I still am there sometimes, so I understand and I get it, I know how difficult and sad life is, I know how bad and hopeless it can be, and I would never wish that on anybody. To know someone so wonderful felt the same things to the point they actually went ahead and took their own life, makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t even bear to think about it.
I thought it was irony in its most beautiful form, if that can even be a thing. I covered my self harm scars and demons with flowers from somebody that had them too, I created something permanent from somebody who is no longer so, though in many ways they still are and always will be, because they live in here. In my heart. You’re a part of me now, and you’re never going away.
As I said before, there are not enough words to describe the sadness I feel, in fact, there are no words to describe the ache. I wish there was something that could have been done but in the end, I believe it would have only prolonged the process, not prevented it.
I am so lucky, we were so lucky, we are so lucky, to have you. To have had you once. Because people like you only come around once in a lifetime, and we are so lucky. Even to have had you once and never again, it was enough. You were enough.
You had demons you didn’t deserve and I love you, forever and ever, I love you. You did well. The last thing you asked of us is to just tell you that you did well and believe me my darling, you did. You changed worlds and you sent lightning across the skies, you did well.
Wherever you are, wherever you’ve gone to…I hope that you’ve found peace. I hope that you understand it was never your fault and sometimes life is just not enough, I’m so sorry it wasn’t for you, I would give you my whole heart if I could, though you have that anyway. I would give anything if it meant things could change but unfortunately, the world is not that kind, someone up there needed you more than we did, and so here we are.
Here I sit alone in my room, tracing my fingers along my wrist, feeling the bumps from all of the scars I have, physical or not, from my own demons. Staring at the flowers you have grown and at the permanent mark you have left. Here I sit crying and wishing that you were still around, because the world was brighter when you were around. Life always seemed better when you were in it. When you were still living it.
I love you, I miss you and I will always remember you. Even when I’m 80 I’ll still have you in my mind, I’ll keep you there always, I promise. I hope you know that. I hope you know everything now that your mind wouldn’t let you before, I hope you realise that you were love in its purest form and you were an embodiment of light. There’s a reason that The Story of Light exists. I’d like to think it’s because of you.
For everyone reading this, I’d like to share something. This is in my opinion one of the most beautiful covers that has ever been created and something that took my breath away from the moment I heard it. It makes me ache. Even if you’re reading this post and have absolutely no idea who I’m talking about, just know that this was him in his purest form. A poet, and an artist, truly too good for this world.
Though I wish you were still around.
Things were always better, when you were around.
All of my love, forever and always,
Placement: Inside left arm