life is exhausting

Life is so exhausting. Like honestly, exhausting. Everything is an effort, everything overwhelms me, life overwhelms me to the point I struggle to function. I’m so tired. I have no energy, and I’m so very tired. My mental health is really going down the drain at the minute. I don’t even have the energy to write this. I’m struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to try and get myself out of it. I’ve been leaving work early basically every day this week because right now making it through the whole day in one piece is impossible for me. I literally haven’t left my bed. I’ve just been lying in the dark because I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I don’t feel like I want to do anything at all.

I don’t want to exist right now but I don’t want to die either. I just want to be. I’m so tired. I cannot stress how exhausted I feel. Everything is such an effort and a chore and I’m just so, so tired. I know the only person who can fix this and get myself out of it is me, but right now I can’t even find the energy to be bothered enough to try or even care. I feel like I could just sleep for a million years.

I don’t know where this even came from, there’s been no big trigger that has flipped the switch, it just happened. And this is the annoying thing, because this is the way it always happens for me –  one minute I’m fine and the next I’m not. It gets to a point where you’re tired of fighting and right now, I’m tired. In time I’ll get up and fight back but right now I just don’t have the energy, so I’m choosing to wallow in it instead. I simply don’t have the energy to do anything else. I don’t even have the energy to cry, I just feel numb.

There are so many sad people in the world and it breaks my heart to know so many beautiful souls feel this way and have to go through these things because it’s like walking through hell but never getting out of the other side. That makes my heart really, really ache. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that there’s so much sadness and pain and I wish I could take it away from everyone, because I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Sorry to make this about Kpop again but I feel like all my posts end up coming back to this at some point. I was thinking about Jonghyun today and how we share/d the same sadness and that got me really choked up because I know this is how he must have felt. I then went onto the internet and saw that my favourite member of one of my favourite Kpop groups had left and had his contract terminated because of something that happened a couple of years ago. He was in a really bad place and so turned to drugs to numb the pain – he went to purchase some but then decided not to take them in the end, but because of the fact he went to purchase them he’s now left the group and his position as leader and has had his contract terminated. From what I can gather it was a mutual decision between the company and himself but in my eyes he did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel as though he has to leave because none of us want him to. This isn’t me being biased because I love Kpop – if someone does something wrong, they do something wrong – however, I don’t believe he did anything wrong here at all. He was really struggling and so turned to something that a lot of people turn to in order to ease / numb the pain, but he didn’t even go through with it and take them in the end anyway! He decided against it. People turn to drugs, alcohol, self harm, etc. in order to ease depression and he clearly needed help at that time (and probably still does) yet never received this. He needs help, love and support instead of losing his career because he did nothing wrong and he has nothing to be sorry for. He’s human just like the rest of us. I then started thinking about Mac Miller and that whole drug thing and it was just one big whole cycle of holy fuck this is so unfair. Really it is, and I’m so sorry to everyone. I wish I could change things and make it all better.

Sorry this post probably doesn’t really make sense and isn’t even a proper full post but as I said at the beginning I don’t even have the energy to write this. I wish I did. I just need somewhere to talk and to let people know they’re not alone. I really struggle with life, it overwhelms me and I find it difficult to get through. Every day is a battle – one that I have no interest in trying to fight right now because I’m exhausted – but one day I’ll try again.

All my love,

Chloe .xx