imagine

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thank u, next

I feel like I go back and fourth with this album, in comparison I always prefer Sweetener because that whole time period was simply the nicest and it has some beautiful Ari memories that I like to sit and re-live when listening to it. thank u, next, on the contrary, is a lot harsher. It’s one of those albums where I look at the tracklist and think mm…don’t really wanna listen to any of these songs right now, there’s probably only one that I feel like listening to at the moment.

However, as time goes on I find it growing on me and becoming something I keep going back to when I’m emotional. It’s a really heavy album. It’s so heavy. I feel like after to listening to it I always take a deep breath and think wow, don’t wanna go through that again for a while.

But I’m finding comfort in it lately even though I don’t really…like it? I do like it, of course I do, but it’s one of those things that I feel like is right there in my face and I’m thinking…I don’t wanna deal with you right now. Let me listen to Sweetener and enjoy myself, I don’t need the heaviness that is thank u, next because itΒ hurts. It’s too relatable. There’s too much pain, she said too many things that I know all too well, too many things that are real. Even the happy and more upbeat songs aren’t actually happy, because the underlying message, underneath it all…is pain. I think it’s because we knew how much pain she was in when making this album, it was so painful for her to do. Some people when going through pain like this make art, some shave their hair, some take it out on themselves, some turn to alcohol…she, turned to music. She made an album – for no other purpose than to just make it. To help her get through. The fact she ended up releasing it wasn’t a thought when she was there, writing those lyrics and recording that heavy, horrible stuff.

She’s barely even been able to get through the songs lately, each performance is full of missed words and cracked notes because she’s on the verge of tears every time she opens her mouth to sing. It’s painful, it’s heavy. It hurts to see her go through it, it hurts to know that she’s so human and that she goes through pain just like the rest of us, like I do. It’s so relatable. Sometimes I do wish these ‘mega starts’ weren’t like us because maybe then it’d save them the pain of being human. Life is hard, and being a human amongst it all…it’s heavy. I don’t want to relate, but I do.

To stand up there and crumble in front of the whole world…that’s something. To know everyone is watching you break yet you’re showcasing it for everyone to see because we’re all human and we have to keep going because we can still get through it…that’s something. It’s vulnerable and fragile, it’s human, it’s us. She’s stood there alone in front of thousands of people looking like a tiny fairy princess with a giant moon behind her head singing about things that hurt and she can barely get her words out because everything is so sad and it hurts so much but she’s still doing it anyway. I really love that woman. I really, really do.

Like I said, the album, I keep going back to it and it’s growing on me because I know I need it. I need it but I don’t want it and so my brain is telling me not to enjoy it. It reminds me of one of my favourite things I’ve ever written when I was talking about Blond by Frank. It kind of came about in the same way. I still also find myself conflicted with how I should be spelling Blond, because in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter but I know that he put the album out as Blond with no e, so I should probably do the same.

I feel like when I play these tracks, it’s just Ari in the room, and I’m there beneath the echos gifted with the pleasure of being able to listen. It hurts. I feel like she’s singing to herself and also to me, like it’s something we share. It’s so heavy and emotional yet Heavenly at the same time, like an angel’s singing. Well, I guess there is. It’s so honest. It’s so, oh my God I’m not okay and I’m about to lose my mind and I’m so scared and sad and full of pain. And I’m like you know what? Me too. Hold my hand and we’ll get through it together.

Here are some lines that hurt.

imagine a world like that, why can’t you imagine a world like that?

but all i can say, is at least i’ll wait for you

i admit that i’m a lil messed up, but i can hide it when i’m all dressed up

i’d rather be alone tonight, you can say i love you through the phone tonight

i’m happy for the love and all of the above, if i’m being honest i done been through way too much

gotta get control of it, why can’t i let go of it

he just comes to visit me when i’m dreaming every now and then

painted a picture, i thought i drew you well

can’t hold that shit against you, guess i did it to myself, thought you were somebody else

wish i could say thank you to malcolm, ’cause he was an angel

cause her name is ari, and i’m so good with that

forget about it, forget about him, forget about me.

Chlo .xx

14 thoughts on “imagine

  1. chloeburford says:

    I love this so much, we all often hear about how amazing it is that singers produce sad songs because they are relatable. But sad songs often make me sad. Like say meghan​ trainor for example, shes cheesy as hell but such a bop. I always seem to smile and feel sassy when shes ​on. It was so painful to watch Ari break down on stage, my heart really does go out to her. Sending you all the love, fab post as always – your writing never fails to impress xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Yes !! Completely agree. Seeing Ari break down on stage made the album all that more special for me because it reminded me just how raw and real it actually is underneath, despite how happy it may sound on the surface. Thank you so much angel girl, right back at you xxx

      Like

  2. seaofwordsx says:

    I loveeee this post! πŸ’• Ari is an angel and her music really touch us in so many ways. I heard her singing those lines at the end of your post and you can definitely feel her pain. Everyone has the right to feel their emotions and to not be okay. Being famous doesn’t mean they have superpowers an are immune to all the pain in the world. I think many people forget that. We are all human. You wrote it so beautiful xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. NunziaDreams says:

    I totally understand what you mean about that album — it is really heavy at times. I remember I cried when I first heard Ghostin. I’m also partial to Sweetener just because it has so many feel good and dreamy songs. Goodnight n Go is my absolute favorite.

    I feel like sometimes the best albums are the hardest to listen to, though. That’s how I feel about Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie. It got me through high school and I adore that album so much. It’s probably my favorite album of all time, but it’s triggering to listen to sometimes.

    Amazing post, girl! Thank you for sharing this! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much for reading !! Completely agree with everything you said, it really resonates with me. goodnight n go was actually my least favourite on the album for a long time but recently it’s been growing on me a lot and I’ve learned to appreciate & love it in a whole new light – I think it’s because watching her perform it lives gives a whole new feel to it, especially since it’s such an emotional song for her – it made me feel & appreciate it just that little bit more. The best albums really are the hardest to listen to, I agree .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. beforetheclockstrikes12 says:

    Beautiful post. I can understand what you mean. There are some albums I truly love and adore, but I can not listen to often. Sometimes I only listen to them maybe twice or three times a year. One such album is Billie Eilish’s “When We Fall Asleep Where Do We Go?” It came out a few months ago but I have only managed to listen to it maybe 3 times from beginning to end.

    It is a great album but it is painful to listen to. The songs fit a specific mood, at least for me. It is definitely not an album I can listen to casually. One of the songs that hits me is “Listen Before I Go.” You have talked about this song before so I will not dwell on it, but for someone as suicidal as me this song is both a comfort and a dagger (if that makes sense).

    When I was thinking of writing “From The Afterlife, With Love,” I was in the backyard listening to this song. It made me feel almost relieved that one day I can just cease to exist and leave all my troubles behind. It is a very relatable song, especially the lyrics:

    “Sorry can’t save me now,
    Sorry I don’t know how,
    Sorry there’s now way out,
    But down… hmm down”

    Billie managed to sum up all my thoughts when I feel suicidal in just a few lines. Hearing those words from a celebrity made me feel like I was not going crazy, or that I did not deserve help. It is amazing how music affects one’s life. Wishing you all the best xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Listen before I go hit me so, so hard. It’s definitely my favourite from that album – I resonated with it so much and from the response it’s received I can see it resonated with a lot of other people too, which makes it sad and beautiful all at the same time. That song is just…someone put it into words, you know? It isn’t trying to be anything, it’s not trying to be relatable or sad or…anything. It just is. It’s just calm and quiet and tired and soft and sad and honest, it’s vulnerable and it’s the truth – it’s everything I wanted to say and everything I want you to understand. I’m very grateful that Billie wrote such a masterpiece because I feel like it just says everything I’ve always wanted to in a way that isn’t trying to be anything but honest – it says nothing more and nothing less.

      Music hurts but it also heals and sometimes, we have to go through those awful feelings in order for it to heal us. I think listening to those types of albums is one of them, or at least, it’s a start, anyway. Sending you all my love, and you deserve help and support and goodness. Remember that xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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