my hair is being pulled by the stars again

13/07/19
11:24pm

i’m sat in my room right now, fairy lights on, windows open. i’m sat cross legged on my bed with an oversized t-shirt on, messy hair, listening to ariana grande and falling in love with myself a little bit. it reminds me of when i was 16. i feel like i am. i don’t think i’ve changed that much since then, i’ve only gotten stronger. i pray that when i’m 40, i’m still me. i hope that as i get older, i’m still myself. always. i hope i still love the things i’m supposed to. i hope i still love the same music and the people that make it. i hope that at 42 i love it twice as much as i did at 21. i hope that continues to grow. i hope i still love my tattoos and look back on them fondly. i won’t be here forever, this is the timeline of my life. i hope that i can look back on my body and see what i loved and when. i hope that looking at the ink reminds me of when i was 18 and in love with the world. i hope it reminds me of when i was 21 and in love with people. i hope i don’t change. i trust myself not to, but the world is unkind sometimes. i pray it doesn’t take me away from myself. i pray i love myself enough to hold on. right now, i do. i have to stop second guessing and worrying about “what if”. tomorrow never comes anyway, so stop worrying about it. how do i feel right now? do i accept it right now, do i want it? yes. will i want it tomorrow? well it doesn’t exist, so i’ll never know. tomorrow i’ll ask myself, do i love it right now? and the answer will still be yes. and yes and yes and yes until i’m old and grey, and forever after that. yes and yes and yes. i love the things i love. i love loving the things i love, it makes me magic. it feels like magic. i hope i don’t lose my magic. i hope i still love disney and musical artists as if they were my best friends. i hope i don’t grow out of myself. out of life. it’s me, it always has been, it always will. i need to stop worrying that i’m going to run out. i have to stop worrying that i’m going to run out of myself, like there won’t be enough of me to go around. like there won’t be enough of me to last. can i really exist as myself for all of that time? yes. yes and yes and yes. always, chlo. always. magic never dies, remember? it never dies. you are magic. one day you’ll return to the stars again and you’ll tell them everything you learned here, and you’ll have so much to show for it. look what i did! look who i loved! there was this person and this person and this person. they made me happy. i loved them. i felt like i knew them even though i never met them. they made my world brighter and for that i’m grateful. i hope that when they return home, you’ll tell them that too. i trust that you will. i trust in you, just like you trusted in me. with life and memories and experiences and people. i hope i didn’t mess it up too much. i hope you’re proud of me anyway. thank you, for everything. i’m so glad to be home.