a spider web and it’s me in the middle

24/12/18

I kind of got into this mindset of realising that some days I do wake up and want to feel utterly horrible. I want to listen to angry music and be rude and ignore everyone and refuse to make eye contact because some days, I need to let this rage out. Once I come out of it, I realise that it’s not how I actually want to be, but for many years this was how I was living my life. I feel my prettiest when I’m being kind to others and making them smile. I feel beautiful, I feel lovely, I feel whole. I love that version of myself, I think she’s wonderful. Some days I do wake up and want to feel horrible, but so does everyone. I realised that I don’t need to live my life like that in order to say fuck you to the world for the horrible things it’s done to me. Instead, I need to wake up, embrace it and say thank you, for you have taught me to become someone I never would have been otherwise. I am lovely because of the anger I choose to turn into something beautiful. I have been hurt, but I will not hurt others in return. I will not hurt the world in order to heal my own pain, because it does not work. I will smile and say thank you. and I will love with all that my heart has to offer, because it is the most honest thing I can give you. palms up, face to the sky.

I will not let the world make me cold. I am the sun, embodied in light.

And you will not put me out.