on my mind

Hi loves,

I feel like I need to write a post because…I haven’t written anything in what feels like ages. I’m not sure why. Honestly, I feel like I have nothing to talk about right now, my creativity bubble in the writing department has completely burst. I remember when I first started this blog and I’d write about self love, body positivity etc. literally every week and unfortunately I don’t do any of that anymore, though I’m trying not to feel guilty about it because my writing has changed since then and I’ve just simply moved on from that style as I’ve gotten older, though part of me wishes I hadn’t because I feel like at that time I was producing content after content without fail. I was constantly inspired and filled with creativity but I feel like now the world is really taking its toll on me and I’m like…do I believe in magic anymore, though? The world is so cold and even the nice things can’t keep my mind off it for too long. There’s too many bigger things going on for me to sit here daydreaming.

I keep writing things but I’m like eh…I don’t wanna post that, mainly because it’s not substantial enough for a blog post and it feels boring and flat and it’s just not the type of stuff I’m trying to put out. I feel like nothing is really happening right now for me to talk about and so my mind is just Kpop ! Kpop ! (yes, here I go again) and literally the only drafts I’m happy with are ones that are on that subject, but I want to throw other things into the mix too and I just…can’t seem to think of anything. I feel like I’m doing really well on the physically creative side of things (music, hauls etc.) but on the mentally creative writing front I just have…nothing to say right now. Is this what it feels like to be truly sucked into the void? I feel like I’m losing interest in a lot of things right now too and that anything I am currently writing is depressing anyway and again, I’m not trying to post stuff like that. I wanna be happy for once. Pls go away depression !! I’m sure you’re all aware that one of the symptoms of this illness is losing interesting in things you used to love and I’m…trying to fight that really hard right now. It’s heavy.

I feel like losing interest in a lot of things has made me start questioning a lot of things too, aka, the point of life. What is it. Am I having an existential crisis, possibly. But it’s a question I would like answered. Here’s something I wrote the other day during the thought process –

16/08/19

Does anyone else ever get into these moods of simply wondering what the point of life is?

I don’t know where it comes from but sometimes I’ll just sit there and think what is the point. What’s the point of anything. I’m going through my daily life and doing things but at the end of it, what’s the point? What is the point of life?

I don’t even mean this in a depressive / giving up type of way, I’m just saying. Objectively, what is the point. Why am I doing things because what does it gain me apart from nothing. Nothing ever seems to hold my interest for very long and if I ever get excited about something it dies down faster than I can click my fingers. What’s the point of working and studying and money and the internet and doing anything at all, like what is the point. I feel like I don’t ever gain anything from anything I do and therefore I just constantly think…what am I doing it for? And I don’t know. I couldn’t give you an answer. I carry on doing them anyway and I continue with my daily life as I always would, but it just doesn’t feel like there’s any purpose to it. LIKE WHAT’S THE POINT. What’s the point of getting tattoos because your body isn’t permanent and it’s going to die and rot at some point anyway. What’s the point of going to work to earn money. Money is just…well, that’s a whole discussion on its own. What’s the point of dressing up for the purpose of taking photos you can post on social media. What’s the point of social media. What’s the point of caring about people when they never care about you to the same extent anyway. What’s the point of allowing yourself to fall in love when that person is just going to hurt you. What’s the point of becoming friends with someone when they’ll probably get bored and leave you in a few months. Point, anyone? I’m tired. Do I sound tired? I think I’m just going to curl up in bed and read and sleep for the rest of my life.

Do I sound depressing? I don’t mean to, I’m genuinely just being objective and saying what is the point. Because I feel like I’m doing all of these things for absolutely no reason at all – I’m just doing them because I’ve been put here on Earth and have therefore been made to follow the plan that is “life”. But what’s the point of that? Anybody, please? I don’t feel like there’s a reason for anything and maybe I am pessimistic right now because my brain isn’t on the nice side but lately I just find myself questioning the reason and purpose for everything and honestly…I can’t think of one. And then I wonder why I’m doing it at all and what it all means because in the grand scheme of things it means nothing, so why is it my life. Why is it taking up my time if it doesn’t mean anything. What am I doing. What am I here for. I don’t know.

I think I just want a simple life. I want to be in a nice place and write and listen to music surrounded by good people. But I can’t have that either which then brings me back to…what’s the point. There isn’t one.

My life is in black and white and no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to reach out and touch the colour. Everything is so loud and I’m so zoned out and it’s boring. This is boring. Can somebody give me something to do that’s more than what this is.

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Also, everyone in life either leaves or turns out to be a disappointment anyway. Why is that. You care about them a lot and they just…don’t care about you half as much, or you think you’ve connected with them and then they do something to show you that actually, they’re not who you thought they were. Why. It’s so tiring. I feel like I just constantly go through life sifting through people and being let down. It never just happens. People always ask me why I think I’m a burden but like, the proof is in the pudding. I think I’m just a big problem no one wants to have. And that’s fine, I guess, but I’m still struggling to accept it just yet. Maybe in time.

Anyway, sorry this post ended up turning depressive (did it?), I feel like I’m just being too much of a realist right now for my own good, but I can’t seem to get my head back into the clouds yet. I want to. This is just what’s on my mind right now but, my mind is kinda sad and I wish it wasn’t. I can’t help that though.

Wish I could still help people. Wish the world was better than what it was. Wish I could reach out to the people who mean something and make me feel light. Wish I could let them know how much I love them. Wish I was closer to the things I love. Wish they were closer to me.

Also, someone called me Lo the other day instead of Chlo and I thought it was nice. Made me feel a little more like myself, whoever that is.

Chloe .xx