on my mind

Hi loves,

I feel like I need to write a post because…I haven’t written anything in what feels like ages. I’m not sure why. Honestly, I feel like I have nothing to talk about right now, my creativity bubble in the writing department has completely burst. I remember when I first started this blog and I’d write about self love, body positivity etc. literally every week and unfortunately I don’t do any of that anymore, though I’m trying not to feel guilty about it because my writing has changed since then and I’ve just simply moved on from that style as I’ve gotten older, though part of me wishes I hadn’t because I feel like at that time I was producing content after content without fail. I was constantly inspired and filled with creativity but I feel like now the world is really taking its toll on me and I’m like…do I believe in magic anymore, though? The world is so cold and even the nice things can’t keep my mind off it for too long. There’s too many bigger things going on for me to sit here daydreaming.

I keep writing things but I’m like eh…I don’t wanna post that, mainly because it’s not substantial enough for a blog post and it feels boring and flat and it’s just not the type of stuff I’m trying to put out. I feel like nothing is really happening right now for me to talk about and so my mind is just Kpop ! Kpop ! (yes, here I go again) and literally the only drafts I’m happy with are ones that are on that subject, but I want to throw other things into the mix too and I just…can’t seem to think of anything. I feel like I’m doing really well on the physically creative side of things (music, hauls etc.) but on the mentally creative writing front I just have…nothing to say right now. Is this what it feels like to be truly sucked into the void? I feel like I’m losing interest in a lot of things right now too and that anything I am currently writing is depressing anyway and again, I’m not trying to post stuff like that. I wanna be happy for once. Pls go away depression !! I’m sure you’re all aware that one of the symptoms of this illness is losing interesting in things you used to love and I’m…trying to fight that really hard right now. It’s heavy.

I feel like losing interest in a lot of things has made me start questioning a lot of things too, aka, the point of life. What is it. Am I having an existential crisis, possibly. But it’s a question I would like answered. Here’s something I wrote the other day during the thought process –

16/08/19

Does anyone else ever get into these moods of simply wondering what the point of life is?

I don’t know where it comes from but sometimes I’ll just sit there and think what is the point. What’s the point of anything. I’m going through my daily life and doing things but at the end of it, what’s the point? What is the point of life?

I don’t even mean this in a depressive / giving up type of way, I’m just saying. Objectively, what is the point. Why am I doing things because what does it gain me apart from nothing. Nothing ever seems to hold my interest for very long and if I ever get excited about something it dies down faster than I can click my fingers. What’s the point of working and studying and money and the internet and doing anything at all, like what is the point. I feel like I don’t ever gain anything from anything I do and therefore I just constantly think…what am I doing it for? And I don’t know. I couldn’t give you an answer. I carry on doing them anyway and I continue with my daily life as I always would, but it just doesn’t feel like there’s any purpose to it. LIKE WHAT’S THE POINT. What’s the point of getting tattoos because your body isn’t permanent and it’s going to die and rot at some point anyway. What’s the point of going to work to earn money. Money is just…well, that’s a whole discussion on its own. What’s the point of dressing up for the purpose of taking photos you can post on social media. What’s the point of social media. What’s the point of caring about people when they never care about you to the same extent anyway. What’s the point of allowing yourself to fall in love when that person is just going to hurt you. What’s the point of becoming friends with someone when they’ll probably get bored and leave you in a few months. Point, anyone? I’m tired. Do I sound tired? I think I’m just going to curl up in bed and read and sleep for the rest of my life.

Do I sound depressing? I don’t mean to, I’m genuinely just being objective and saying what is the point. Because I feel like I’m doing all of these things for absolutely no reason at all – I’m just doing them because I’ve been put here on Earth and have therefore been made to follow the plan that is “life”. But what’s the point of that? Anybody, please? I don’t feel like there’s a reason for anything and maybe I am pessimistic right now because my brain isn’t on the nice side but lately I just find myself questioning the reason and purpose for everything and honestly…I can’t think of one. And then I wonder why I’m doing it at all and what it all means because in the grand scheme of things it means nothing, so why is it my life. Why is it taking up my time if it doesn’t mean anything. What am I doing. What am I here for. I don’t know.

I think I just want a simple life. I want to be in a nice place and write and listen to music surrounded by good people. But I can’t have that either which then brings me back to…what’s the point. There isn’t one.

My life is in black and white and no matter what I do, I just can’t seem to reach out and touch the colour. Everything is so loud and I’m so zoned out and it’s boring. This is boring. Can somebody give me something to do that’s more than what this is.

—————

Also, everyone in life either leaves or turns out to be a disappointment anyway. Why is that. You care about them a lot and they just…don’t care about you half as much, or you think you’ve connected with them and then they do something to show you that actually, they’re not who you thought they were. Why. It’s so tiring. I feel like I just constantly go through life sifting through people and being let down. It never just happens. People always ask me why I think I’m a burden but like, the proof is in the pudding. I think I’m just a big problem no one wants to have. And that’s fine, I guess, but I’m still struggling to accept it just yet. Maybe in time.

Anyway, sorry this post ended up turning depressive (did it?), I feel like I’m just being too much of a realist right now for my own good, but I can’t seem to get my head back into the clouds yet. I want to. This is just what’s on my mind right now but, my mind is kinda sad and I wish it wasn’t. I can’t help that though.

Wish I could still help people. Wish the world was better than what it was. Wish I could reach out to the people who mean something and make me feel light. Wish I could let them know how much I love them. Wish I was closer to the things I love. Wish they were closer to me.

Also, someone called me Lo the other day instead of Chlo and I thought it was nice. Made me feel a little more like myself, whoever that is.

Chloe .xx

21 thoughts on “on my mind

  1. priya says:

    I feel like Fiona really summed up everything I felt while reading this post and said it way better than I think I could ever articulate. I can definitely back her up by saying that I read your blog and follow you and care about what you share because you’re one of the only truly open and honest and raw blogs I follow. I feel like you’re talking to me only whenever I read your works and it’s so refreshing. You don’t seem to try and follow any formulas or directions when it comes to what you share and how you share it and it always comes across as honest and authentic, because YOU made the decision to do it that way.

    I also empathise with you in finding everything so absolutely boring and pointless, especially at the moment. We’re in the middle of winter right now in Australia, so I’m crossing my fingers it’s seasonal, but everything just seems so monotonous, and getting myself excited for things is a bit of a challenge. My thing is constantly getting frustrated with how circular it all is, in the sense that like…the week runs it’s course, you get to Thursday and Friday and get kinda excited for the weekend, but is there really a reason to get that excited knowing that Monday is literally only 72 hours away? It’s a pretty toxic way of thinking and my friends are doing a great job of shaking my shoulders when I get like it, but it’s still a thought, so your entire entry about finding everything and anything pointless resonated with me so hard.

    But all of that said, it’s posts like these that are the reason you’re one of my favourite people to read. The honesty in each of them just reminds me that I’m not the only one feeling a certain way, and that’s hopefully enough for me. Hopefully it’s some help for you knowing how much we all love you and appreciate you!!

    Love ya gal x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ahhh Priya, just like Fiona, where do I even start with you !! You’re an ANGEL. I wish I had enough words to express how grateful I am for you and your words because they mean so much to me, always. I can’t express the feeling I get from knowing that I just…decided to write and do things my way and it turned out like this. I found people – I found YOU. I found my space and this is what came from it. I’m so grateful.

      Even though it’s sad and I wouldn’t wish the feeling on anyone, it’s still comforting to know I’m not the only one that gets like this and feels that way, so thank you for sharing that with me. Hopefully it is seasonal. Hopefully this whole thing is seasonal and it’ll pass soon. Hopefully. It’s good you have great friends around of you to snap you out of it though, we all need a little reality check sometimes and it’s good to have people around you who can do that.

      I promise I love and appreciate you so much more hehe, honestly I wish I had the words to describe how grateful I am because it truly means the whole entire world, thank you so so so much. So much love for you – sending lots of love and light as always .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. questionsfromateenager says:

    A friend who reads my blog did this for me when I had some doubts about my content/writing and it really helped me so I’m hoping this might do the same for you. I want to tell you the reasons why I read your blog. Why I feel like I connect to it so much.

    You’re honest. You’re real. You’re authentic. And that translates into your writing. I read your blog BECAUSE of that. A lot of the time, bloggers will be all “bloggery”, meaning they will do all of these “5 things I can’t live without” and “10 of my beauty essentials” -type posts, you know the ones that everyone seems to make. And as much as everyone is entitled to post and write about whatever they want, that content just really doesn’t speak to me personally. I need substance. And I get that with you. I read your posts and it’s like we’re having a conversation. I read it because I genuinely care about you and your feelings.

    The beautiful thing about a blog is that you can make up your own rules. SO, if your content is going to be a rant about something on one day, a ramble on another topic on the next… just know that that is okay. In fact, more power to you! This is YOUR blog and nothing you have to say is irrelevant. We are all here for it. I stick around because you are human. You don’t pretend to be perfect, you don’t pretend like you have everything figured out. And that is so rare nowadays on social media. So as much as you sometimes devalue the quality of your own content…. don’t. It is worth so, so much. Whenever I see that a post of yours has gone up I instantly light up. Your writing has impacted my life, it has made me think and reflect, it has made me cry, laugh and above all… it has brought me so much joy to being able to connect with you via this platform.

    I think we all sometimes feel a little lost and overwhelmed in a universe so large and of which we seem to know so little about. We are all just one person in a massive space filled with others we deem as more important or relevant to society than we are. But if you are able to connect with your readers (from around the world) in such a personal, authentic way… I think you give yourself too little credit for what you have achieved. You truly speak to people. You touch their lives in more ways than you know. You make them feel supported, understood and loved. You’re the “big problem” we WANT to have.

    In a lot of ways, I think navigating through life is like having a blog (weird comparison, I know, but just bare with me) – everyone acts as if there is this secret handbook we should all be following but… the reality is that NOBODY knows what the hell they are doing. I say that with absolute confidence. NOBODY knows why we are here and what their purpose is. Some just pretend they do because the unknown is scary and we all feel the need to feel safe. Unanswered questions can be daunting, especially if you know that they will likely never be answered, but…. BUT. I feel like there’s always a but. Isn’t the fact that we don’t have every answer handed to us a beautiful thing? Doesn’t it also give us a tremendous amount of freedom? We can make our own rules. Find our own purpose. Live our lives shaped by our own terms, values and beliefs. Maybe there is no answer to the “why are we here?” question. Maybe we should stop thinking of life like it is a destination and just BE in it. Maybe life is a series of little transformations we go though. Maybe it’s truly as simple as that.

    I don’t know if any of this made ANY sense at all (I apologise if it didn’t). Just know that you are loved in this community. You have a purpose, a home here. You have people who really care about you. Sending you a ton of love xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ohhhh Fiona, what am I going to do with you. Where do I even begin with this comment…THANK YOU ??! I seriously do not know what to say. Honestly. Where do I even start? This means the entire world and more, I wish I could express just how much I appreciate it. I don’t have sufficient words to match what you’ve said but I cannot thank you enough, truly. I’ve screenshotted this and I’m going to look back on it whenever I’m doubting myself or feeling down, because this really meant so much and was just…the nicest thing ever. I wish you knew how grateful I was.

      I remember when I first started my blog (and I’ve said this before), I created it simply to share my thoughts, writing and to find like-minded people. I just wanted to inspire and be inspired, and it was never about trying to market myself or do “travel essentials” and outfit of the day posts, because like you, that content personally doesn’t speak to me either. To know that 2 years later I’ve found my place in this little community and have found like-minded people (you for starters), and to know that people appreciate what I have to say and even like it in the first place…means so much, especially since I wasn’t like many other blogs when I first started.

      Honestly, thank you so so so much from the bottom of my heart. You’re an absolute angel. Your words mean so much to me as always, sending you so much love ❤️ Thank you .xxx

      Like

  3. seaofwordsx says:

    I can understand you so much lovely Chloe 💗 My next blog post is about finding purpose in life. I hope it will inspire you. I feel you and it’s okay to feel this way. I feel the same way and think of the purpose of life so much. I don’t know why we we have to go through all of it if we eventually will die. It makes me feel sad and terrifies me. I’m here for you ALWAYS ❤️. I guess love is the most important thing in life. We are here to love ourselves and others and do good. I will always help you no matter what. You have changed my life for the better and for that I’m so thankful. I can’t wait to hug you one day. Maybe even if there’s no point of life, we have to make it and create it with all the things we love and the people we love. I hope you feel better soon. Love you so much 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      You always know exactly what I need ❤️ it all just seems like we have to go through so much pain…for what? You know? It’s exhausting. Life truly is exhausting and I am very tired. I’m still here though so I guess that’s all that matters right now. I’m here for you too always, thank you for saying I’ve changed your life because I know you’ve changed mine. I wait for the day we get to hug it out in real life haha ❤️ Love you angel girl xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Cordelia. says:

    My god, I feel like you’re my soul sister. Frankly, I have these existential crises so often, I’m simply so tired of being me. I feel like I’m always looking in on people living their lives like normal people and never being able to get out of the dark clouds in my head and join them. What keeps me going, I guess, is just taking it one day at a time. Hoping somehow somewhat tomorrow will be better…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. beforetheclockstrikes12 says:

    Awwww Chlo

    I am sorry you are feeling like this. Honestly, ever since my whole thing with the Boss, and even before that, I think about why I am on this eart. Honestly, I do not know.

    I know you haven purpose Chlo. I know you. I do. There are so many people who love you. Nobody thinks you’re a big problem nobody wants to have. You are awesome, too awesome for some people to handle.

    You well get your heads back in the clouds (side note: did you know that clouds weigh 1.1 million pounds?! Crazy right!!! I found out earlier this week whilst I was supposed to be doing math work).

    We are all here for you Chlo, I swear… by the moon and the stars in the sky,
    I’ll be there. I swear, like a shadow that’s by your side, I’ll be there (okay I’m done with the random references… maybe… not really 🏃🏿‍♀️).

    Sending you all my love 🎈(that’s not a heart… ⚽️… fam that’s a football you idiot… 💛 finally gahdamn!).

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      💙💙 just remember what I told you Kojo, you have a purpose too.

      1.1 million pounds ?!?!? HOW. How can they weigh that much yet you can just fly straight through them…science is whack. I love it. Way more important than math work.

      I didn’t realise you were in Boyz II Men but now that I think about it you do sing an awful lot. How much do you charge for gigs?? Got a friend with an upcoming birthday that might appreciate it…

      Slowly working my way to getting my head back into the clouds, I’ll get there !! Even if they do weigh 1.1 million pounds (seriously. how is that possible).

      Lots of love as always Kojo, you’re the best .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Jade rainbow says:

    You know what?
    You’re right Ther’es no point in all of this. we. Live and breath, and put marks on our bodies. But for what? So we could die in years, days, or even hours. What i’ve Realized is that some day it’ll be worth it. When? Have no fucking clue, dude. But someday it’ll be worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The Style of Laura Jane says:

    Sometimes the things you think are the least interesting are actually the most, because so many other people are thinking them as well. I could really relate to this – sometimes I say to friends, I’m not depressed, but I have no clue what my purpose is. I just carry on as normal and kind of wait for the ‘storm’ to clear. As well, I can get sad after something big has happened (something I’ve been waiting for) because then the excitement goes. So now I try to not put too much emphasis or excitement on things. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I feel like I wrote that comment myself, a lot of the time I feel like I’m just existing…floating…and not necessarily in the good way. I feel like my life consists of just waiting for the storm to clear, but maybe I have to realise that it’s not always going to and I need to learn to just push through it instead, because what else can I do? xx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    Hi Chloe! I just read your post and want to tell you this, you’re going to be okay! I know you know this, and I know you probably don’t see it right now or even believe it, or want to hear it but it does get better! You’re not alone. Trust me, you have a purpose even if you don’t feel it right now. Talk to people hun, never feel wrong for posting ‘depressing’ blog posts if that’s what’s going to help you, by expressing your feelings and allowing people to help with their comments of love, advice and general well wishes.

    Obviously I don’t know you but I want you to know that things can and will get better beginning now. Start doing little things that bring you joy, listen to your music, take walks, find someone to talk to. It can and WILL get better, I promise hun.

    You can do all you wish to and more ❤️❤️❤️ I’ve been in a dark place before, but I’ve come through it to see the light now. There’s always going to be down days, but there’s also going to be amazing days. I especially like the saying ‘what a beautiful feeling it is to know that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet’ and it’s true!!! If you can’t find the point in life, find the point in YOU. That should be enough. That heart you have, that is your purpose. Love yourself enough to have the courage to pursue your joy and happiness. I know it’s easy for me to say hun coming from a completely outsiders perspective, but trust me one day you’re going to be laughing. Just keep taking one day at a time and continute to do small things which bring you joy and eventually, you’re going to get to that state of happiness again. I promise ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Sending you so much love, light, healing and blessings hun. I pray for you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Hi lovely! Thank you so much – truly, it means the world that you’ve taken time out to send me such a lovely message. I appreciate it the most. I guess that because my whole life I’ve felt like a burden to everybody, as much as I want to share how I’m feeling in the hopes that it’ll help other people, I also simultaneously feel like at the same time, no one really cares (because who wants to keep reading depressing, heavy stuff?). For me I think I just need to go back to the beginning – wipe the slate clean and start again. Remember the things I love, surround myself with those and go from there. “If you can’t find the point in life, find the point in YOU” meant a lot and I’ll remember that, so thank you. I’m glad you yourself have managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel because you deserve it ❤️ Again, thank you so so much for your lovely words and for taking the time out to listen to me. It truly means the world xxxx

      Like

  9. ☾Adria☽ says:

    I’ve been going through the same thing for months now which is why my posts have pretty much been nonexistent. I was thinking about this two nights ago. Like I’ve changed so much from who I was three years ago and who I was two years ago (when I started blogging) and from the end of last year(when I was working on cool blogging projects). I had all these plans. I was gonna be an actress and take over Hollywood. And then the goal was (still is) to keep breathing. And then it was to make it to my 13 birthday. Life’s the weirdest thing ever. I just wanna run away to an island and drive a Chevvy and dance through fields and have picnics and read and write and listen to good music with people who have the stars in their veins. Journal entry extract: “I just wanna live. For so long I’ve only existed” I don’t think I want to know why I’m here. But I am. And that’ll never make sense to me. I’m just here for the cake and the memories with the people that mattered to me to be honest. Nothing makes sense at the moment and it never really does to me but we’re in it for the long game❤ And yes that was 100% a Girl Meets World reference, I CANNOT HELP IT😭 Love you❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Life really is weird, but I’ve got you and you’ve got me 💙 always remember that. I think at one point I just got to a stage where I stopped looking to the future for comfort, because all it ever did was tear me away from the now. We don’t know how much time we have and so we have to take each day as it comes and get through it, as I always say – baby steps. Maybe we’ll never know why we’re here, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason. There’s a reason for everything, even if it’s meant to stay hidden forever. 100% up for running away to an island and floating around for the rest of our lives ✨love you, let’s go .xxx

      Like

  10. heatherpfeifle says:

    Hey, friend! All the things you talk about here in this post are the exact same things I wrestle with myself. I’ve asked the same questions and been left without answers to many of them. I’ve wondered what is about myself that makes people leave, especially when I feel like I’m a very loyal friend and love so fiercely. Why don’t people love me the same?

    It’s hard. I know. But I think life has seasons and sometimes people are only part of our lives for a season or two. Then someone else comes along to take their place. I think we learn and grow through this cycle, as difficult as it may be to live through.

    But please don’t ever feel as though you don’t make difference to those around you. You and I have never even met in person, and I consider you a friend. Your writing has touched my life as have our conversations. I’ve even shared some of our conversations with my girls. You are making a difference in the world even when you cannot see it. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Your advice is always so much appreciated, so thank you for always taking the time out to listen to me and take in what I have to say, it truly means the most. I too consider you a friend and your words always mean so much to me, this was such a lovely thing for you to say and I’m so honoured that you’ve shared some of our chats with your girls. May they grow up to be the strong, fearless women the world needs. Sending so much love 💙xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to beforetheclockstrikes12 Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.