Sometimes I have to unfollow people on social media because we don’t speak anymore but I still care about them, and seeing their face on my timeline hurts. I wish they knew it wasn’t personal, and that they didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not because I don’t like them anymore, or even necessarily that I don’t want to know what they’re up to, or see their face. It’s more like, I can’t let myself know what they’re up to, because I know it’ll never involve me again. I can’t let myself see their face, because I wish I could hold it and I know that I can’t. I wish I could tell them these things, but it’s not exactly like anyone’s going to welcome the message “hey sorry just thought I’d let you know I’m about to unfollow you on all social media platforms because seeing you live life without me gives me so much anxiety I can’t breathe” with open arms, or find it particularly normal. No one does that. No one’s going to do that. So I just silently unfollow, and pray that they don’t take it personally. I’m not saying we should be taking social media personally anyway because you know, it’s social media. Outside of the internet it doesn’t even exist. I’m just saying that I hope they don’t think it’s because I have any bad feelings towards them – if anything, it’s the opposite – it’s the good feelings I have towards them that make me feel like I have to unfollow, because it hurts, and sometimes I have to think about how I feel, and what superficial, pointless stuff like social media does to my brain. I can’t be feeling anxious every time I open up Instagram just in case I see that person on my timeline, and then feeling utterly terrible when I do. It’s like I have to tiptoe around my socials just in case they pop up somewhere because I’m trying so hard to avoid them. Out of sight, out of mind. So I have to unfollow, and it’s not that deep but I still think about it anyway, because if someone I thought I was good with unfollowed me on social media I’d wonder what I did wrong or why they suddenly didn’t like me anymore, and I’m not saying people care enough to even wonder that about me should they lose something as pointless as my Instagram follow, but I still think about it anyway. It still brings me guilt. So I wanted to write this because I have to think of myself sometimes, and sorry to use that cliche phrase but it’s not them, it’s me. It hurts to see these people and so, I don’t. I have to press the button and leave it alone. I just hope they know that I still love them, regardless of the fact that seeing their face now makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I’m sorry. It’s me that has to deal with the feelings, because I know they’re okay and I know it doesn’t affect them the same way it does me, so I have to put myself first and think about what I need. Social media does no good for anyone anyway.
I should probably get off it.