holding on

I read something the other day that said in order to learn new things you have to wipe your memory, forget what you already know and take yourself right back to the start as if you’re a beginner.

I think I need to do that with life.

I realised last night (I say last night, though I’ve known this for a very long time) that I hold onto too much. I am holding onto too much. I am weighed down by absolutely everything that has ever happened to me in my life ever. I’m holding onto all of it. And it’s so heavy. And I just thought, why am I holding onto all of this? What good does it do me? I am so weighed down by everything, like there’s a ten ton weight on my shoulders and things constantly clouding up my mind at all times…and what for?

I wish there was almost a factory reset button where I could just forget it all and let it go. I really need to. I spend 99% of the time thinking about things that happened in the past, or things I think are going to happen in the future. I never spend any time thinking about the now, here, in the present moment. I wonder what that’s like? To just think about now and nothing else. To just worry about the current moment and what you’re doing, not about the people you’ve lost or the people you think you’re yet to lose, or how this person made you feel when they broke your heart 2 years ago, or how you think it’s going to feel when it happens to you again in the future. Why am I holding onto so much baggage?

My problem is I remember too much. I remember everything. I take in details and things that I’m sure no one else even notices. I’m surprised there’s any room in my mind left for anything else because it’s that full with detail. Best believe I remember what every single inch of your face looks like at every angle and the way you use your hands when you talk and how your voice sounds when you get nervous. Best believe I remember what you ordered for dinner that one time and the outfit you were wearing the first time I saw you and you didn’t even know me yet. I remember everything about everything, whether it was important or not, and though I should have no room left to remember anything else, I do. I always do.

β€œYou remember too much, my mother said to me recently.
Why hold onto all that? And I said,Β 
Where can I put it down?”

18 thoughts on “holding on

  1. chloeburford says:

    The quote at the end is so freaking beautiful and hit home. I relate so much, I find it practically impossible to let things go and just move on. Even though I am in a happy relationship I am still holding onto things exes used to say to me and how voice sounds etc. Its so stupid. Sending you lots of love, thank you for sharing this and making me feel less alone xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Right? It’s always been one of my favourites, it haunts me almost. It’s harder to let go than we think, it’s always easier said than one! Thank you for reading lovely and for your sweet words as always, they mean so much. You’re never alone. Lots of love xxx

      Like

  2. seaofwordsx says:

    I agree and I can relate so well to your beautiful words. I’m also as sensitive as you are. We love more but also suffer more. I also think too much about the past and fear the future. I’m still learning to be in the now because when we focus on the present most of the times everything is well. Meditation helps me sometimes to do that. I remember also way too much. We have to learn ourselves that it’s okay to let go and move on. I also have a hard time in letting things go especially the stuff which hurt me. I’m always here for you πŸ’– Where’s the last quote from? It’s beautiful. Love you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Day-dreamer chronicles ||Debbie πŸ’“ says:

    I can relate to this so much,sometimes when i remember my siblings wonder at my memory especially when describe the incidence to them vividly,as i grow this has served me well especially recently when someone tried to cheat me and it’s served me wrong because i remember the pain and hurt but I’m learning one day at a time plus time and they’ll make fun memories and lessons to teach my kids who knows
    Thanks for the post….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Throughmylens says:

    This was such a raw and heart touching post. I also feel the same too hun. Even though I say I’ve forgotten everything, but I’m always reminded of those times and find myself re-living those sad memories. I’m learning to keep strong and move ahead. This was very much needed x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Gracie says:

    I can relate to this so much ❀ who I am is so completely shaped by things I've experienced, the people around me and the way all of those things have made me feel and sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's just heavy and painful. Sometimes things don't go the way we want them to or expect them to and that hurts and is hard to let go of, but we have to learn just to our best and move on. Move forwards. Stay strong. It's okay to feel sad or disappointed or broken, but all we can do is keep living and doing the best we can. Sorry, that was a total ramble lol ❀ love you loads xx

    Liked by 1 person

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