holding on

I read something the other day that said in order to learn new things you have to wipe your memory, forget what you already know and take yourself right back to the start as if you’re a beginner.

I think I need to do that with life.

I realised last night (I say last night, though I’ve known this for a very long time) that I hold onto too much. I am holding onto too much. I am weighed down by absolutely everything that has ever happened to me in my life ever. I’m holding onto all of it. And it’s so heavy. And I just thought, why am I holding onto all of this? What good does it do me? I am so weighed down by everything, like there’s a ten ton weight on my shoulders and things constantly clouding up my mind at all times…and what for?

I wish there was almost a factory reset button where I could just forget it all and let it go. I really need to. I spend 99% of the time thinking about things that happened in the past, or things I think are going to happen in the future. I never spend any time thinking about the now, here, in the present moment. I wonder what that’s like? To just think about now and nothing else. To just worry about the current moment and what you’re doing, not about the people you’ve lost or the people you think you’re yet to lose, or how this person made you feel when they broke your heart 2 years ago, or how you think it’s going to feel when it happens to you again in the future. Why am I holding onto so much baggage?

My problem is I remember too much. I remember everything. I take in details and things that I’m sure no one else even notices. I’m surprised there’s any room in my mind left for anything else because it’s that full with detail. Best believe I remember what every single inch of your face looks like at every angle and the way you use your hands when you talk and how your voice sounds when you get nervous. Best believe I remember what you ordered for dinner that one time and the outfit you were wearing the first time I saw you and you didn’t even know me yet. I remember everything about everything, whether it was important or not, and though I should have no room left to remember anything else, I do. I always do.

“You remember too much, my mother said to me recently.
Why hold onto all that? And I said, 
Where can I put it down?”