I feel like I’ve been a little absent this week, I know it’s only Thursday and you probably haven’t even noticed since I’ve still been uploading and stuff, but for about 6 days now I’ve been really ill. I”m actually very lucky in the sense that I rarely get ill – maybe once a year if that – and when I do it’s always for the same thing – the worst flu / cough / cold situation known to man.
So you can guess what I’ve been bogged down with for the past week.
It started on Saturday night when I could feel it coming on me and then by Sunday morning when I woke up it was just a full blown disaster, I felt like my head had been blown off. Since then it’s like my body has decided that each day it’s going to focus on a different part of having the flu and so I’ve just been lying in bed all day sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. Currently I’m still completely bunged up and I can’t hear out of both of my ears because they’re blocked but the headaches, earaches, sore throat, excessive coughing / sneezing etc. seems to have subsided so hopefully it’s beginning to work it’s way out of my system – and thank the Lord.
However, I do have one thing to say. Being ill this past week has actually been…good for me? Apart from my body being in physical hell, mentally I haven’t been able to think about a damn thing and it’s actually done me the world of good – I don’t know if this is going to make sense.
All I’ve done is sleep, and in the hours that I’ve been awake I’ve just watched comfort TV – I haven’t thought about a single thing else – my mind didn’t even try to wander once. I think because my body was so physically run down, it just simply didn’t have the energy to do anything other than just lie there and watch whatever show was on in front of me, and even though it’s been horrible because I’ve felt like an absolute bag of you know what, I haven’t had a single symptom of anxiety / depression / mental illness for a whole week now, and why? Because I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t think about anything or anyone, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t worry, couldn’t make up stupid scenarios in my head, couldn’t care about what I looked like, just nothing. My brain was in off mode. I’ve just been curled up in bed watching my favourite shows and like I said, even though physically it’s been utter hell, mentally it’s been bliss.
Now, am I proposing that somebody remove my brain in order for me to stop being able to think for the rest of my life?
Yes, yes I am.
All jokes aside though I have seriously enjoyed it, as weird and as crazy as that may sound. I’ve actually felt like a normal person for a whole week now, and now I can feel everything slowly but surely working its way out of my system in order for me to feel better again, there’s a slight part of me that wants to cling onto it for a little bit longer because I know that once I’m better I’ll go back to reality and everything will come rushing back to me again, which is something I don’t want.
When you’re ill it’s like you’re just in your own bubble completely zoned out, and I think I needed that. Like I said, I’m not grateful that my body has put me through utter hell for the past week but I am grateful for the mental break it’s given me and hey, I believe everything happens for a reason, so even through feeling so rubbish I’ve managed to look at it on the bright side and like I said, now I’m beginning to slowly feel a little better there’s a tiny part of me that doesn’t want it to leave, because I enjoy not being able to think. It’s so nice to just have a break and be able to breathe (though in my case I couldn’t because you know, my whole respiratory system was blocked but, you get the idea).
I don’t know what the point of this post was or where I’m going with it but I guess I just wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed just being able to spend time with myself this week watching my favourite people on TV / Youtube and not thinking about a single thing else, it’s been really nice. Just not worrying and overthinking because I physically don’t have the energy to…was so nice. I don’t know. Maybe I need to get ill more often.
I’m kidding of course, but you know what I mean. I’m going to stop rambling now anyway and go back to bed. I’ll see you all in my next post where I (hopefully) feel somewhat alive again. Maybe. We’ll see.
All my love,