i don’t know about you, but i’m feeling…

Hi loves,

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Well, it was on Saturday (25th) so of course, it’s not my birthday anymore, and as you can probably guess by the title of this post, I turned…

that’s right

22.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been waiting since 2012 in order to use that line. This is the only reason I wanted to turn 22. My whole life has been leading up to this moment.

Anyway,

Do I feel 22? No. I’m old, man. People keep laughing at me when I say that because in the grand scheme of things 22 is incredibly young and if I’m unlucky enough to live long enough I still have another 50+ years on this God forsaken planet so, 22 is simply just a tiny spec of dust on the timeline however –

I am old.

How did I get to 22. I still feel about 16 and also, still look it apparently. Funny story – my brother is 16 and I went to his college open evening with him a few weeks back which is basically where you look around the college to get a taster for it and see if you want to enrol there or not. Usually, these 16 year olds go with their parents to look around but I went with my brother instead just because it was easier andย every single student and member of staff in that building thought it was me enrolling instead. ME.

My mum said I should’ve been flattered but I was seriously just so embarrassed, teachers were coming up to me and offering me leaflets, students were asking what I was planning on studying…at one point we walked into this classroom and a guy came up to me and started going through the curriculum with me because he thought I was interested in taking that particular subject.ย I did not know what to do.ย I was like…should I say something ?? Should I just stay quiet ?? In the end I said nothing and just let him go through the curriculum but then because I hadn’t said a word in literally 5 minutes he suddenly looked up and went… “you are interested in studying this subject, aren’t you?”

And I had to look him dead in the face and say “…I’m 22.”

His face at that point went redder than mine and he was like “Oh my God I’m so sorry. You look so young !!” and I was just thinking well, this is the last college open evening I’ll be accompanying my brother to.

Never again.ย 

They didn’t even speak to my brother because they thought he was older than me, every time they asked me a question about studying I kept diverting it to him since it was him they needed to be asking instead but apparently they still were not getting the message and continued to ask me things and yeah it was just a hot mess. We laughed about it afterwards but jeeeeez. I knew I looked young but I !! am !! 22 !! not !! 16 !!

Anyway (second time lucky), what is the point of this post I hear you ask? Or maybe you’re not asking because you haven’t read this far in which case I wouldn’t blame you since I’ve gone off on a rambling tangent yet again as always, but the point is there is no point to this post, I just wanted to say something that marked the fact I’d turned 22. I’m seriously at this stage now where people ask me how old I am and I don’t want to tell them because I feel so old. 22 !! That’s the age of an adult. AN ADULT. Am I an adult? No. I still love Disney and Kpop and don’t like doing things by myself and still wish I could rely on my mum to speak on behalf of me when I have to do things I don’t like. I hate going to the bank and filling my car up with petrol and booking my own dentist appointments and I hate adulting.ย It’s not fun. It’s boring. Will I ever class myself as an adult or an authority figure? No. I love Dumbo and YA novels and wish I could marry everyone in Kpop. I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to be okay with the fact that I’m not engaged with my own house and children and yada yada freaking yada because that’s just not me and you know what? THAT’S FINE. It’s fine. I am me. I like writing and reading and going to Disneyland and I like Kpop and being in love with Harry Styles and wishing Ari was my best friend and I have an obsession with Dumbo soft toys and collecting cute pins and IT’S FINE. It’s all fine. My friend tells me that age isn’t important and that it’s all about how you feel in your mind instead (in which case, I am 2 years old). All I really want in life now is just to be myself, because I feel like I was hiding for so long and now I just…don’t care. I want my reason for everything to be because I’m being myself, if that makes sense. I just want to be myself, whether that’s cool or following the ageing timeline or not.

On a more depressive note, I spent the whole day feeling out of body and just generally weird. Didn’t really feel like I was here and was on the verge of tears all day, and then I went out for a meal with my family and ended up bawling my eyes out at the table for absolutely no reason at all. Everyone kept asking what was wrong and my answer was I don’t know, I really don’t know. I guess now that I’m getting older I don’t really like my birthday anymore because I don’t like the attention and I don’t like things being about me, and I don’t like to think about the fact I’m getting older and honestly I just wanted to be by myself. I don’t know. Anxiety is apparently not exempt from birthdays either people !! When I got home I went straight to bed because I was so exhausted, though to be honest I’d felt drained since I’d woken up that morning and I could just tell it was going to be a spaced out day, and it was. I was spaced out the whole time. Some days I wake up and don’t feel like myself, but I didn’t realise your birthday could be one of them. I just told myself that that was simply all I had to give that day and that it was all I could manage, and I just accepted it.

Anyway, I’m glad it’s not the 25th anymore and now I can actually…just sit here and enjoy my birthday…without it being my birthday. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I might do a what I got for my birthday post, I might not, we’ll see. I have a whole bunch of blog posts I need to finish up so we’ll see if I ever get round to it! I have so much to do these days I don’t even know where to begin with it all.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

33 thoughts on “i don’t know about you, but i’m feeling…

  1. chloeburford says:

    Happy belated birthday gorgeous! I am sorry that you didnt feel too great during the day, I sometimes feel so down on celebrations because theres so much pressure to be happy and have an amazing day. I also have a baby face and always get ID’d so I so relate to you being mistaken for a 16 year old – I hate it when people say this BUT one day you will be happy to have a baby face haha! Sending you lots of love! xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much angel! Completely agree with you and even though it’s sad, it’s also comforting that I’m not the only one that feels that way. Hopefully we’ll thank ourselves later when we’re 40 and only look half our age hahahah! All my love angel xxx

      Like

  2. seaofwordsx says:

    Happy (belated) birthday again my beautiful Chloe! ๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‚๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿฐ๐ŸŽˆ๐Ÿ’ซ I already read this post another day but I wanted to write a good comment. I hope this year will bring you happiness, love, health and make all your dreams come true ๐Ÿ’ซ. I still have a lil present for your birthday. I hope you will like it.

    I can relate so much to what you have wrote. I’m 26 and everyone always think I’m 18 or younger ๐Ÿ˜‚ Some people in Spain thought that I still was studying at high school and I was like no way haha. It’s good to look younger to be honest because my mother is almost 70 and looks so young. She only gets compliments haha ๐Ÿ˜Š.

    I also can feel how you aren’t excited of your birthday anymore. Me too and it makes me sad to be honest. I still celebrate it with friends and family every year but birthdays make me anxious sometimes. I also don’t have a family, kids or whatever. I’m still looking for a job and just making my way through life while being anxious you know. It feels like we have to have our lives together and on a birthday I sometimes feel like I have failed in life when I of course haven’t. We all do our best but it’s easy to compare to others. It only makes us feel worse at the end. Last year I also felt emotional and cried on my birthday and also had my period so yeah. It’s okay to feel. I would also prefer to celebrate my birthday not on the same day haha.

    “All I really want in life now is just to be myself, because I feel like I was hiding for so long and now I justโ€ฆdonโ€™t care”. I loved what you wrote here because I feel that too. I got bullied because I had a dress of The Power Puff Girls at school and now I’m just loving my sweater of it. I will not stop loving the things I love because they make me the person I’m now. They make me happy. We have to keep doing the things we love to do and keep loving our things because at the end our happiness is more important than what others think of us. I still have a hard time sometimes to stop thinking about what others might think of me but we are together in this.

    I feel like I could have wrote your post because I feel all of this too. We are so similar. We are soulmates. I love you so much to the moon and back to infinity and beyond ๐ŸŒœ๐ŸŒ› i cant wait to meet you one day xoxo ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much angel girl !! โคโค I have so many letters that I haven’t gotten around to replying to yet but I promise I will at some point, I’ve just been so busy !!

      You definitely don’t seem 26 but it’s not a bad thing at all, to me you’re still very young at heart which is the way you should always be! I think I’m with you on that one though – my birthday also makes me feel anxious now and I wish it didn’t, but I don’t know what I can do about it:( I’m sorry that your birthday was the sameโค it’s not nice at all.

      The thing about your sweater is SO cute – one of the good things about getting older is that we don’t have to surround ourselves with horrible people anymore and you can do whatever you want (like wear super cute jumpers like that hehe). Everything you said is 100% true and I completely agree.

      Love you so much and I can’t wait to meet you one day either !!๐Ÿ’– it’ll be the best. Thank you for being you and for being so amazing as always. LOVE YOU .xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. questionsfromateenager says:

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ This post made me crack up. You have such a way with words, for some reason I was imagining the whole story with your brother in my head like a movie with you as the narrator.

    BUT – a very belated happy birthday, Chlo! I truly wish you all the best, I KNOW that there are many amazing things on their way to you. I am genuine when I say that you are one of the most beautiful people out there. ๐Ÿ’•

    I soooo get you on feeling old. I turn 21 this year and already, with 20, I feel so old. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I am too old to do x or to do y. Like what?? We are still so young. Maybe we feel older than we actually are because we are suddenly confronted with “real-world problems” more often and feel this heavy weight of responsibilities while at the same time feeling as though a camera crew is going to jump out at any second and yell “surprise! It was just a prank, you’re not an adult”. (that was weirdly specific, wow.) Whatever it is, it seems to be going around because I swear you are the 100th person in our age group I have heard say that they feel old. Gah. Adulting is so weird.

    I felt for you when I read that your anxiety was at a high on your birthday. I don’t like my own birthday as well. As you said, it’s the attention that generally makes people like us uncomfortable and – I don’t know if this is just me – but I tend to dwell in the past quite a lot (unhealthy, I know). And with birthdays being somewhat of a milestone and almost always a little sentimental, it often feels like I am losing something or leaving something behind. I couldn’t even explain what it exactly is I feel like I am “losing”… I just always feel a tinge of sadness on my birthday. And birthdays for some reason are always so much pressure. Last year, I didn’t actually want to celebrate my birthday at all. I just didn’t feel like it. It was my friends and family who ultimately pushed me to at least throw a small celebration and though it was fun and I am grateful for having spent time with them, I still didn’t really want it deep down. I just didn’t feel like myself for a large part of last year and my birthday was no exception. That’s why this: “Some days I wake up and donโ€™t feel like myself, but I didnโ€™t realise your birthday could be one of them.” spoke to me SO FREAKING MUCH.

    Sending you all my love xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      HAHAHAH that made me laugh, glad this post could make you laugh !! Thank you so much Fiona โค you’re always so incredibly lovely and kind, it really means a lot. It’s crazy because when I see those ages on other people (e.g. you turning 21) I do not for one second think oh my gosh !! she’s so old !! yet when it’s me it’s like…I feel ancient and that time is just slipping away from me faster than I can even realise. It’s such a scary thought, I guess it’s kind of like you feel as though you have all the time in the world…until you get older and realise that actually, you don’t.

      Even though it’s sad, I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels that way around their birthday – it’s comforting. What you said is exactly right, I too feel as though each birthday I’m losing something or leaving it behind. It’s weird. I feel very nostalgic and sad, and almost…lonely? Strange indeed. Birthdays when we were younger used to be so fun but now…they’re not fun for me anymore. It’s sad, really.

      Again, thank you for always being so wonderful and sharing your thoughts with meโค it really means the world. Sending all my love xxx

      Like

  4. Hannah says:

    I am 23, how do you think I feel?!?
    I have the same issue of looking young so I can relate so much! I still get ID’ed for ibuprofen (they think I am 15?!?!) and people always assume I am the younger of the siblings even though I am the older (my sister is 21 and my brother is 19). At University open days for my brother, they always assumed it was me looking not him or we were both looking (I had just graduated at that point). I guess they do have mature students but highly doubt they thought that. So annoying but I guess it will be beneficial in a few years time. Happy Belated Birthday! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! & hahaha it’s so funny you say that because I’m like Hannah…you’re only 23 – that’s not old !! And then it’s like oh wait…I just made a whole blog post moaning about the fact I’m 22 and “old” hahaha. Funny how we don’t see it on other people but we see it on ourselves !! Being 23 and looking 15 will be helpful when you’re older, that’s nearly 10 years younger !! It’s annoying to us now but I’m sure we’ll appreciate it later down the line hahah. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had the same experience – it was seriously embarrassing !! xx

      Like

  5. Cordelia. says:

    Happy belated birthday Chloe! I realized that we are always going to feel old because technically, RIGHT NOW is the oldest you have ever been, so no matter what you are going to look back and think damn I was so young back then. I remember being 17 and thinking about how fucking old I am. I relate to so much of what you say. I fucking hate adulting and frankly while all my friends are getting jobs, making future plans with their significant others, I’m kinda just…floating by. I just can’t do anything remotely “adult”, people are confused and wondering why I’m not GETTING ON with my life and I just can’t? The anxiety that comes with making any major decision in life I just can’t deal with. Sighh.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! That’s so true, I definitely agree. I felt the same way !! I remember when I turned 18 I felt so old hahaha – NOW LOOK AT ME. I feel like I’m floating sometimes too, I used to feel that way a lot but not so much anymore which I’m taking as a positive thing. Always trying to ground myself and be present. I think we just have to accept the fact that actually, no one really knows what they’re doing and we’re all just trying to figure this thing out together. There’s no right or wrong way! xx

      Like

  6. priya says:

    Happy belated birthday angel!! Hope you’re enjoying 22 a bit more now that the day has passed and you’ve sat in it for a little while haha. I’m so terrified of turning 22. It’s another one of those ‘in-between’ years, and now without university or any formal education it’s just another year of people wondering what I’m doing with my life?

    And 100% agree, so many people don’t think I’m 21. I had this gal on Instragram make cookies and macarons for my 21st and when I went to collect them, she didn’t realise it was my 21st and said ‘wish your sister and happy birthday for me’??? I’m luckily past the point of still getting carded when I go to a bar.

    Happy birthday again Chlo, you’re gonna smash 22, I know you’ll kill it like you always do! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much Priya! I’m definitely enjoying 22 a lot more now the actual day itself has passed haha, I think now that I’m older and realise what birthdays actually are the whole thing just freaks me out and I’d rather not think about them. Even though it can seem a little strange now, I’m sure we’ll be super grateful for looking younger than our age when we’re like…40 hahaha. Thank you so much for your lovely words as always girly ๐Ÿ’›xx

      Like

  7. infinitelyadaydreamer says:

    Happy belated birthday Chloe! 22. Wow!

    I’m 18 next year, somehow and just can’t believe it. Time has become this strange thing. Of late it seems to be doing but speeding up. Crazy. I’m happy though. I used to live in the past but nowadays I’ve realised I want to move forward. I don’t want to be stuck reliving what is gone.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Savvysaav says:

    Happy birthday! And honestly, I always make a joke and tell/ask people โ€œwho let me adult?โ€ ๐Ÿ˜… Iโ€™m 27 but if you look at my pics, I donโ€™t look 27 at all! I think youโ€™re doing amazing. Itโ€™s hard sometimes especially when things come in the way. My bf and I (not like itโ€™s relevant) have been having a hard time cause we both think of adulting in different ways. But life is amazing and God is good always! And I feel you, I want my bf to do the cleaning and get a job after he left his after 10 years. But we are all still kids at heart but we have to remember that we have priorities as well. And GIRLLLL I watch Disney+ and Iโ€™m 27! But I look like 16 or idk maybe younger lol. Depends on my haircut. Have a wonderful day and thanks for sharing ! Go check out some of my writing if you have time ๐Ÿ˜Š have a gray day my dear! Itโ€™s 330 am where I am (KAUAI, Hawaii) so I need to head to bed haha ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Xoxo, Savvy โค

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you! & thank you so much for listening to me ramble hehe, it means a lot – it’s always so comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling a certain way! I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of Disney hahaha but I’ve realised that I don’t have to, I love it too much. I hope you got some sleep! โœจ sending lots of light your way .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    Happy belated birthday beautiful โค๏ธ I hope this is your most blessed year yet and I hope you simply just enjoy being your true authentic self and doing what brings you joy!

    Sorry you werenโ€™t feeling so happy on your birthday, that sucks but the good news is… itโ€™s only up from here right? Youโ€™ve got a whole bunch of birthdays to look forward to. Itโ€™s okay to feel how youโ€™re feeling and Iโ€™m grateful you accept that and feel okay and understanding of yourself. Good for you girl โค๏ธ

    Also I can totally relate about the looking young thing! People think Iโ€™m 18 all the time and Iโ€™m like… Iโ€™m 25? I completely agree that itโ€™s kind of a compliment but also… I just want to look my age? But girl thatโ€™s so funny how you told that guy you were 22 ๐Ÿ˜‚ bless him!! I see some funny stories about these types of scenarios! There was one where this woman was travelling alone and the air hostesses / workers were trying to help her and took her all around the gate etc because they thought she was a child traveller without a parent so they had a duty of care ๐Ÿ˜‚ she didnโ€™t realise for ages then she was like โ€˜what are you doingโ€™ ๐Ÿ˜‚ so funny!! Anyway, enjoy being 22 beauty! Have a great year โค๏ธ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much you little angel!! ๐Ÿ’™ You’re so right, literally the day after I felt completely fine and back to normal again. I guess it’s just now that I’m older, I see my birthday for what it really is and the whole thing makes me feel weird and out of place and yeah, hopefully my 23rd will be better hahaha. I have so many more years to try again !! You definitely don’t look 25 either so I can see why people think you’re 18 haha – we have to think of these things as being a positive !! It’ll be great for us when we’re 40 ๐Ÿ˜‰ lots of love angel xx

      Like

  10. Belle in the Word ||Debbie ๐Ÿ’“ says:

    Happy belated birthday to you darling,I’m wishing you many more years and yes I’ve been waiting for ages to use that line but i finally get to come March 28

    Liked by 1 person

  11. heatherpfeifle says:

    First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

    Second, I completely understand everything you said on so many levels. Let me just say, that feeling like you are a younger person trapped in an older body may never really go away. Iโ€™m headed toward 43 this year (OMG, did I just type 43??) and yet I still feel like Iโ€™m in my teens on the inside. Iโ€™ve met other people who have this same experience. So we are not alone.
    Adulting can be tough. I want someone to make the hard decisions, make the phone calls, nurse me back to health when Iโ€™m sick, etc.
    Itโ€™s perfectly normal to feel all those things.

    Let me encourage you not to feel you need to give up the things you love just because youโ€™re an โ€œadultโ€. I just told you how old I am and yet you also know that I jam out to Kpop just as much as my children, lol. Iโ€™m about to read Harry Potter with them for the second time (Iโ€™ve lost track of how many times Iโ€™ve read it myself!). Most the books I read come from the libraryโ€™s teen room because I enjoy them more. I bought a Disney+ subscription because I wanted it. Not because I have kids, lol.
    I believe these things keep me young at heart. Sure, getting older can suck. My body isnโ€™t what it used to be. I have to pay bills and do my own laundry. But my heart is young and will stay young. And when you blend a young heart with the freedom of adulthood, and the wisdom that comes with life experience, some magical things can begin to happen. So try not to focus just on the โ€œgetting oldโ€ part. I know itโ€™s easy to get fixated on our mortality, but there are some beautiful experiences waiting for you as you bloom. Donโ€™t focus so hard on the โ€œnegativeโ€ that you miss out on the beauty awaiting you. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much !! I think after speaking about this to a lot of other people I’m slowly starting to realise that maybe I won’t ever not feel this way when it comes to my age, but that actually, that’s okay, because it’s so normal !! It’s so comforting to know other people feel the same whether they’re younger than me or older than me. I can’t ever see myself being mentally 40, or 50 and so on and so fourth. I think in my mind I’ll always be in my twenties which, I’m not complaining about at all.

      I completely agree with you, I think my heart and my mind will always stay young. I guess when I think of “older” people I picture middle-aged women stressed out by their kids and married to a man with the personality of a wet mop who probably doesn’t even love them anymore anyway. That’s fault on my part but, the thought just freaks me out and I can never see myself…being that person. Thank you so much on your wonderful words as always, they really do mean a lot to me ๐Ÿ’™. You never fail to make me feel less alone! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Kojo says:

    Happy birthday again! I know you feel a little overwhelmed by growing up and stuff, but I think you are doing a great job so far. Hell, you are doing a much better job at adulting than me haha. Thinking of you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Why did “I know you feel a little overwhelmed by growing up and stuff” make me feel like I was 6 years old again haha (in a good way) – sometimes I wish I was still 6 and had no worries, with everyone else making my decisions for me! I think we’ll get through this adulting thing together just fine. Lots of love .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Tiana Khalia says:

    Late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL ๐Ÿ’ž!! Funny thing is I remembered on Sat. cause you and Lucas share a birthday but then I realized I had no way way of telling you. ๐Ÿ˜ญ also Iโ€™ve always believed that something magical would happen on my birthday, like I would wake up feeling like a whole new person but really it was just another day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much !! ๐Ÿ’— I’d completely forgotten until Saturday that we had the same birthday (this happens every year) and then I was like wait…it’s MY birthday too, why does he get to be a top trend on Twitter !! Hahaha. Thank you so much for reading lovely โœจxx

      Like

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