I think I need to challenge myself

There are a lot of things that I don’t do because I’m too scared, too anxious, too shy, too worrisome, too this or too that. Not the right fit. Not the right person. Not the right personality. Not the right ambition. I endlessly drive myself crazy thinking of what ifs – what if it goes wrong, what if it doesn’t work out, what if it’s the worst decision of my life, what if I instantly regret it or come to regret it later down the line, what if I wish I hadn’t done it, what if I’m so embarrassed I never want to talk about it again. What if?

I have goals in life that I could list down for you if you asked me, but in the back of my head I’m realistic in the sense that I don’t believe these things will actually happen. Things like that don’t happen to people like me

I often wonder what my life would be like if someone else was in my body, or to put it in a simpler way, if I was in someone else’s body. If I was born as John Green for example, would I have actually ended up becoming an author? Would I have wrote The Fault In Our Stars and all of the other books that then turned into movies, or would I have just sat there thinking about it and hoping that it would happen one day? John Green made that happen for himself, but if I was born as John Green…would I have made it happen too?

This mindset applies to basically any person, famous or not, who’s ever done something significant in their lives. If I was that person, if I had been born in their body…would I have still done those things too? And the answer that I hear myself say every time is that no, no I wouldn’t have.

If a different person was born in my body, what would have happened? If someone else was in my body right now, would I be a famous Youtube star? A published author? Would I have been a child actor? Would I have moved across the world to a different country already? If someone else was me, what would they have done with the things I have – how would they have utilised them? This is a thing I think about often, and it leads me to believe that I have encountered a lot of missed opportunities in life, and will continue to do so until I fix this problem that I have.

This feeling that I cannot do things, because I’m not good enough. Because I don’t qualify, because I’m too scared, too hesitant, too this and too that – never the right thing, is what I keep telling myself. I’m ambitious inside my head, I have things I want to achieve, places I want to go, people I want to be – will I ever achieve these things? No, probably not, because my life doesn’t go that way, because I don’t allow it to, but it keeps me going anyway. It’s that part of me that knows I’ll never let myself do these things, but I’ll allow myself to keep thinking of them and dreaming about them anyway because it’s still nice to imagine, it’s still nice to have that little escape from reality.

And then I sit and think to myself, Chloe. Whyย aren’tย you capable of doing these things? Whyย don’tย you think you qualify? And the answer is, I don’t know. I couldn’t give you one. It’s just what I’ve told myself, it’s just what I think. Is it that part of me is trying to make up excuses for myself because I’m simply too scared to take the plunge and try? Maybe. I spend my whole life overthinking things and believing that everything in my entire life will go wrong should I step even an inch outside of my comfort zone. Do I want to live like that? No. But it’s comfortable and it stops my heart from feeling like it’s going to stop beating and fall out of my chest every 5 seconds and therefore I allow myself to coast along doing nothing anyway.ย  The problem is, my dreams are not worth my anxiety, which is heartbreaking when you really think about it. The anxiety that these things cause me is not worth it, I’d rather dream about them instead rather than actually make them happen, because the journey would be so traumatising for me and my anxiety that I’d rather not embark on it. I’d rather still be able to function, thank you.

But now after sitting in quarantine for months and being stuck inside, I’m thinking what if Iย doย challenge myself, what if I do say that hey, maybe you do qualify, maybe you can try these things. It only has to be baby steps – nothing massive – but small progress is better than no progress, and maybe the girl I want to be could come to actually exist one day, if I just work towards becoming her one step at a time. If I think that these dreams and goals I have don’t happen to people like me, why don’t I become one of those people, one of those people that these thingsย doย happen to. What’s stopping me?

Myself.

Always, always, myself.

You are your own worst enemy, I spend my whole life getting in my own way. I think that sums it up perfectly right there. I spend every hour and every waking day, getting in my own way. Blocking all of my pathways, locking every door that’s open for me. Telling myself that those things don’t happen to people like me, when in reality, I’m the one that’s stopping myself from becoming one of those people. I shut the door in my own face and say hey, looks like you don’t qualify.

What if I don’t do that anymore?

The answer? We’ll see.

Because it’s starting right now.

I’m going to challenge myself.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

41 thoughts on “I think I need to challenge myself

  1. seaofwordsx says:

    What a beautiful post! โค๏ธ I feel exactly the same way. If I was born into another body maybe my life would be completely different and I would have achieved many dreams. I’m scared and I feel you too. When I won an essay contest and got to speak at the United Nations I told myself maybe they made a mistake so that I could won. I said I’m not smart as other people. That was so wrong of me to say. I just often don’t feel good, smart, pretty enough to do a certain thing. However, I challenged myself again and submitted a story about climate change a few days ago for another contest. If I win I could go to Barcelona in September even though I don’t know if that will be possible. I challenged myself again. It’s okay if I don’t win but I know I’m good at writing so why not try? You are also capable of so many beautiful and amazing things. We both are. I hope we can make all our craziest and wildest dreams come true because we deserve it โค๏ธ. Love you so much Chloe โœจโœจโœจ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! ๐Ÿ’ž it’s so strange how our minds work, right? Of course it was wrong of you to say those things about yourself because they’re absolutely not true, but I probably would have done the same because it’s all too easy to immediately put ourselves down when such situations occur. I’m so proud of you for challenging yourself again and yes you ARE good at writing, you’re so passionate about the topics you discuss and I’m sure everyone will be able to see that. You are more than capable of doing great things โค๏ธ Love you so much more angel xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. BriN says:

    Throughh alll these years on Pinterest, social media, books and blogging, goshh I’ve honestly never thought about things this way.

    It was so good. And eye opening. I’m ambitious inside my head too and sometimes we think that that’s enough. I loved the John green example.
    Honestly. It is so true. ๐Ÿ˜ถ XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much !! So glad I’m not the only one that thinks this way, we just have to power through it and believe in ourselves. Easier said that done but I’m sure one day we’ll get there โœจxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hannah says:

    This is such an interesting concept – the idea of if we were born as someone different with our mindset, would we still have achieved everything that they have? I am not sure either but I would hope so. I too am guilty of staying within my comfort zone when opportunities arise and I love that you are going to try to challenge yourself more. Good luck! A piece of advice I have previously been given with regards to anxiety is to do one small thing everyday that challenges your anxiety and build it up slowly so suddenly the big events that used to give you anxiety do not seem as big anymore. Hope that makes sense! Keep us updated for sure. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It’s something I’ve always thought about and I feel like it holds me back in a lot of ways because I’m constantly comparing myself and thinking “what if”, I might do a post on it one day. That little tip is really helpful and something I definitely need to remind myself of more, it’s all about taking baby steps rather than constantly throwing myself in at the deep end and being disappointed with myself when I can’t handle it. Thank you Hannah ๐Ÿ’žxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. questionsfromateenager says:

    “The problem is, my dreams are not worth my anxiety” – Oh Chloe. This makes me so sad. It makes me sad because I have had the pleasure of witnessing your talent for writing on this blog, the care you have for the people around you, your creativity, empathy and your strength. I truly believe that you could achieve anything. PLEASE don’t ever give up on those dreams. You are so, SO much more than your anxiety, don’t you ever forget that.โค๏ธ And if you do, I will ensure you remember by becoming your own personal cheerleader!

    Anxiety has this cruel habit of making us our own worst enemy. Our anxious self is the thing that holds us back, it is the thing that prevents us from growing and experiencing new things. I think that is also a factor that goes into anxiety-induced exhaustion; We generally have to generate so much more energy to push ourselves to do even the simplest of things.. The bigger the challenge the more energy and willpower it takes to overcome it and go against what your anxiety is telling you. More often than not I will fall back into this pattern of not even realising that it is my anxiety making my decisions for me…it often tricks us into feeling like it is an instinct.

    I admire you so much for taking a stand and actively trying to push yourself more – it’s so important that we remain self-aware, it’s so important that we push ourselves to grow and experience… No matter how daunting that may be. I have missed your open, honest words on WordPress, can’t wait to catch up with all of the posts I missed xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ahh Fiona you are just an angel. Thank you so much, truly. You never fail to amaze me with your support and kindness, it truly means the world. You are completely right, anxiety does make us our own worst enemy and it forever baffles me that we’re the ones doing something so utterly debilitating to ourselves yet we can’t stop it. That’s such a key thing too, anxiety prevents us from growing, which is so awful when all you want to do and grow and change for the better, yet there’s something constantly stopping you from doing just that. I agree with every single point you made and oh my goodness yes, I’m trying to hard these days to figure out the difference between anxiety and instinct !! Anxiety has been a part of me ever since I can remember, so it’s virtually impossible for me to figure out whether I’m doing something due to natural instinct or because of anxiety. There’s such a fine line there for me and I’m still not sure how to figure out which side I’m on, but I’m working on it. I feel like you lose so much of yourself with anxiety and now I constantly question myself, my actions, the way I do things etc. – am I doing these things because that’s just naturally me, or am I doing them because of anxiety? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It’s scary in a way because it’s like you can’t figure out what’s real and what’s not with yourself. What about you is actually you, and what about you is this disease you’ve been carrying around your whole life? Who knows.

      Thank you for always being so lovely and supportive, like I said it truly does mean the most. Always here if you need me ๐Ÿ’› sending lots of love and light your way โœจ xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Cordelia. says:

    Chloe…gosh, I feel like crying when I read this because every single word is true. Reading what you wrote makes me confront myself. And I hate being me, always too paralyzed, too scared to take any chances, make a mistake, make the right choice. Its honestly a horrid thing, and I encourage you to please go out of your comfort zone and try anything that even remotely makes you excited! I see all my friends surpass me in every way and I’m here a disappointment to my family with nothing to show for. It’s a dangerous path to be scared all the time but I’m so utterly confused with what I want too. If you ever need some motivation and talking to, DM me on Instagram! I want to see you succeed in life by simply living life more fearlessly!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It makes me so sad to hear that regarding your family and it makes me even sadder than I can completely relate to that too because I’m exactly the same way. It’s hard, right? I have no idea what I want either, trying to take it one step at a time but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough and that I could be doing more, but then I never know what that is and I end up feeling guilty again and the cycle continues. Thank you so much for your kind words and I’m always here for you too if you ever need someone to talk to ๐Ÿ’› Thank you for being so supportive .xx

      Liked by 2 people

  6. kiki | soyvirgo.com says:

    omg that first sentence is…. ME. Not saying it in a happy way lol more like, dang, relatable LOL
    For me it’s more like worrying what others will think. :/
    So bad.

    That’s really interesting to think about…
    If I were rihanna, if i were will smith, if i were my favorite person i admire, would i try doing what they do?
    I like how you thought of that!
    Its weird but im actually doing the same thing. being in quarantine sure is helping me in that way.
    Well. congrats and good luck to you!!! Let’s be our best selves!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I constantly worry about what others will think of me too, it literally renders me incapable of doing most things and I hate it! Just know you’re not alone in it though – it’s easier said than done but hopefully we can all learn to believe in ourselves a little more one step at a time. Good luck to you too !! Thank you for reading โœจ we got this .xx

      Like

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! It makes me so happy that people feel this way – I always try and be as open and honest as I can so that people know they’re not alone in how they feel – it can be scary some times. Thank you for reading xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. infinitelyadaydreamer says:

    A beautiful vulnerable post. So much love for you Chloe! I like the things youโ€™ve considered here.. theyโ€™re different. I like the questions. If I was born as so and so person, would I have achieved the same things they did? I guess thatโ€™s the entire point of being an individual. We can look the same and be entirely dissimilar. A body is a body but only a shell. Our memories, experiences, achievements, hopes and dreams.. thatโ€™s what makes us.

    Breaking out of routine is hard, especially when it brings you comfort. I was just thinking about it today- I eat the same takeaway on the same night every week. I call the same person every day. I go through months of liking the same food. I watch the same shows. I go to bed at the same times. Thatโ€™s comfort zone too. Tonight is Tuesday and I ordered takeout again.. but a different one this time. Felt good ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Thank you so much! You’re an angel. You’re so right though, I guess that is the whole point of being an individual and we must embrace that. Your takeaway comment literally brightened my day, it made me smile so hard. I love that. I think that’s exactly what this is all about ๐Ÿ’›xx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Gracie says:

    This was so emotional and inspiring and thought-provoking all at the same time! Wow I love this so much. Tons of love and I know you will achieve incredible things. Even just with your words today, you have touched so many lives and hearts xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. blogpinksy says:

    You are the best version of yourself. Someone else being in your body would never be better than what you are right now, Chloe. This was enough to make me cry. The way you expressed this was beautiful and the EXACT same feeling that I am unable to express to my peers. Challenging yourself is very healthy, and even if it ain’t workin’ out, that’s alright! Because we know we will never give up and keep hustling. Love you.
    Stay safe,
    Blogpink ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  10. MARIA says:

    Self-doubt will forever be the bane of my existence. You took my thoughts from my darkest moments and expressed them so well it was chilling. But I always remind myself that the thing I fear more is regret. And honestly, we only have this one life. Even if it doesn’t turn out well, so what? We try and fail. Or, and this is the thing that keeps me going, we try and succeed. One step closer to our vision of happiness. Keep you head up xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Oh that was such a lovely thing to say, thank you so much ๐Ÿ’™ You’re completely right and I couldn’t agree with you more, you have exactly the right mindset. It’s super inspiring to hear and I hope I can get to that stage soon myself, we’ll see. Sending lots of light your way โœจ xxx

      Like

  11. ash @ starlight strands says:

    oh my goodness. I LOVE THIS POST SO MUCH! i can often find myself in the same situations as you; i doubt myself so often and think that i can’t do things when i’m really the only person in my way. thank you for writing this! it’s so beautiful. โค โค โค hope you're doing well xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ahh thank you so much !! This was the sweetest comment, you’re a little angel. It truly means so much !! So nice to know we’re not alone in this ๐Ÿ’ž Hope you’re equally well lovely !! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. arshia says:

    You go!! I had a similar mindset, and often I slip back into it. Last year, I had this sudden shift which made me believe I needed to live my life as a meme for myself. Want to do something, do it! Succeed, heck that’s great! Don’t? Well, at least you’re a meme for yourself. I have no idea how that worked for so long, but it did, and now it’s become a natural instinct to just try and push myself. While the meme-ness isn’t there anymore, I’ve become much more comfortable with winning and losing with myself.

    I hope this works for you, and you continue to grow and challenge yourself! Love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Oh I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one feeling like this !! That’s so inspiring, so glad it worked for you! Once you do something enough times it becomes a habit and you start doing it naturally anyway like you said so hopefully that’ll become a thing for me too, it’s exciting to think about. Sending so much love your way & thank you so much for reading !! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. vaishnavi says:

    chloe– this was SO beautiful. i had to take a step back after reading the first paragraph cuz’ i’ve *definitely* feel that way. you articulated an emotion like that so beautifully, and just know that many other people feel that way too. personally, i think challenging yourself is the only way you can ever truly make a life for yourself, one you’re content with and moreso, proud of. again, i love this so much ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Oh you are a little angel ๐Ÿ’ž thank you so, so much, it means the world to me. I completely agree with you, I think challenging yourself is the only way to push through this and overcome it. We’ll see!! Hope you’re well lovely xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  14. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    You
    Go girl!!!!! Two of my favourite quotes are โ€˜no risks, no rewardsโ€™ and โ€˜when God wants us to grow, he makes us uncomfortableโ€™! True life starts outside your comfort zone! As Cardi B sings โ€˜you never live till you risk your lifeโ€™ well you donโ€™t have to risk your life but maybe risk life as you know it aka the comfortable life that you feel safe in! Girl this world is your oyster! I believe in you and you are perfect as you are. You are enough and more than good enough and worthy of living your dreams so go out there and live them! You got this โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      โค๏ธโค๏ธ I swear you have a quote for everything haha I love it !! You always know the right things to say. You’re completely right and I aspire to have the amount of confidence you have one day because you’re always killing it, I need to take a leaf out of your book !! Thanks so much angel girl xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • 50shad3s0fjay says:

        Omg that’s so funny haha, I do love my quotes!! โค Aw girlieeeee you got this! You are a confident Queen and are going to smash this thing called life (you already are). Can't wait to read all about your post lockdown adventures, and your adventures whilst at home cos hey we can still do so much!! lots of love to you girlie โค xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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