I sat in my car this morning listening to Trouble by Coldplay, it was rainy and gloomy and I sat there watching the rain fall down my windscreen. Lately I’ve been struggling with progress, I suppose. It’s so easy to feel isolated and get trapped inside your own bubble, inside your own mind. The past few days I’ve overthought to the point where I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve felt numb. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I was an anxious child, I was an anxious teenager, and I’m an anxious adult, if you could even call it that. I’m 23 in 4 months but don’t feel any different to who I was when I was 16. Driving to work this morning I was thinking about the fact that the world is so much bigger than me, than my problems, than the things that are going on inside my head. There is a much bigger world out there and I am a tiny spec in the system – my problems aren’t as crushing as they seem – sometimes it’s nice just to get outside and breathe for a bit. I sit with myself for too long and feel like I can’t function and then I go outside and it feels like I’ve left all of that behind. I feel like I haven’t been making any progress lately, and I get frustrated with myself because I think when will it end? I’ve never endured something so exhausting. Just thinking and thinking and thinking to the point where it feels like your brain rots. It’s exhausting. I wish I could stop it. The only time it stops is when I’m asleep, and even then I have weird dreams and wake up wondering where they came from. I get frustrated because the only one that can change things is me, yet it feels like I continue to let myself down and then I think to myself…you can’t want it that bad then, can you? If you wanted it as much as you think you do you would have done it by now, but you haven’t. You keep letting yourself down and letting yourself down, and then you sit there in despair wondering when it will ever end. It’s tiring, but it’s my fault, and I’m torn between trying to do even a minuscule bit of self-care and telling myself it’s okay, or just letting the blame crash down on me along with a lot of self-hatred as that’s the route I usually go down, and it’s all too easy for me. I am however in a much better position than I was this time last year, and that made me feel proud. I’ve come a long way since then, and I have to remind myself of that. Sometimes I need to just…be with myself, and stop thinking about everyone else. That’s another place this all stems from. I know where the whole thing stems from, actually, which is another reason I get mad at myself, because it’s not like I don’t know these things. I’m aware of them, I just don’t help myself. Sometimes I need to just be Chloe, not a friend or a lover or a sister or a daughter or a colleague or someone on the internet. Just Chloe. What do I need? I know what I need, but I can’t have it, and so the cycle continues.