trouble(d)

I sat in my car this morning listening to Trouble by Coldplay, it was rainy and gloomy and I sat there watching the rain fall down my windscreen. Lately I’ve been struggling with progress, I suppose. It’s so easy to feel isolated and get trapped inside your own bubble, inside your own mind. The past few days I’ve overthought to the point where I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve felt numb. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I was an anxious child, I was an anxious teenager, and I’m an anxious adult, if you could even call it that. I’m 23 in 4 months but don’t feel any different to who I was when I was 16. Driving to work this morning I was thinking about the fact that the world is so much bigger than me, than my problems, than the things that are going on inside my head. There is a much bigger world out there and I am a tiny spec in the system – my problems aren’t as crushing as they seem – sometimes it’s nice just to get outside and breathe for a bit. I sit with myself for too long and feel like I can’t function and then I go outside and it feels like I’ve left all of that behind. I feel like I haven’t been making any progress lately, and I get frustrated with myself because I think when will it end? I’ve never endured something so exhausting. Just thinking and thinking and thinking to the point where it feels like your brain rots. It’s exhausting. I wish I could stop it. The only time it stops is when I’m asleep, and even then I have weird dreams and wake up wondering where they came from. I get frustrated because the only one that can change things is me, yet it feels like I continue to let myself down and then I think to myself…you can’t want it that bad then, can you? If you wanted it as much as you think you do you would have done it by now, but you haven’t. You keep letting yourself down and letting yourself down, and then you sit there in despair wondering when it will ever end. It’s tiring, but it’s my fault, and I’m torn between trying to do even a minuscule bit of self-care and telling myself it’s okay, or just letting the blame crash down on me along with a lot of self-hatred as that’s the route I usually go down, and it’s all too easy for me. I am however in a much better position than I was this time last year, and that made me feel proud. I’ve come a long way since then, and I have to remind myself of that. Sometimes I need to just…be with myself, and stop thinking about everyone else. That’s another place this all stems from. I know where the whole thing stems from, actually, which is another reason I get mad at myself, because it’s not like I don’t know these things. I’m aware of them, I just don’t help myself. Sometimes I need to just be Chloe, not a friend or a lover or a sister or a daughter or a colleague or someone on the internet. Just Chloe. What do I need? I know what I need, but I can’t have it, and so the cycle continues.

17 thoughts on “trouble(d)

  1. chloeburford says:

    I am so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time honey, I am sending you so much love. I am so pleased you are aware of how much you have grown in a year as you have achieved so much to be proud of, I certainly am very proud!! This year has been one that none of us have prepared for and has been so so challenging, as difficult as it is please try not to beat yourself up over progress as you are doing amazingly. Thank you for sharing such honest and beautiful words xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. andey99 says:

    I feel you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I relate to what you are going through. Except for maybe knowing what causes me to feel this way. I’ve been going through the same ‘not making progress’ crisis and that cycle you mentioned – on point. Btw, Trouble by Coldplay is love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      It’s such a beautiful song, right? So sorry to hear you’ve been going through the same thing but hopefully you can take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone in it – I’m always here if you ever need to talk .xx

      Like

  3. Hannah says:

    I could easily sleep for 10-12 hours every night because my anxiety is still exhausting. I am exhausted all the time, just living off caffeine. I thought as I got older I would need sleep less because it is not practical to sleep for 10 hours every night and yet, the more anxious I am, the more I sleep. Even when I do not class myself as anxious, I can still sleep! It’s frustrating because there is so much I want to do with my time but nope, I got to sleep and get more anxious about how I am not living my life to its full potential because all I do is sleep. It’s a never-ending circle.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      I think that pretty much sums it up perfectly – exhausting. Anxiety is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever had to go through, it feels like my brain just needs to shut down (minus the fact it actually does feel like it’s shutting down most days). Have you ever heard of the phrase “it’s a kind of tired sleep can’t fix”? I feel like that sums it up pretty well .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Jennifer says:

    I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’m glad you can still find the presence to remind yourself of your progress and what you should be proud of. I’m going to give your own words back to you, and hope that maybe they can help, even if just a tiny smile or reminder of your gorgeous tattoos: “When life gives you lemons listen to lemonade and love Lana Del Rey. That’s the motto.” 💌🍋🍊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. BriN says:

    Oh Chloe, you’re so right about this. I’ve been feeling troubled too lately, and though it’s better now I’m not sure where I stand, yet. And sometimes the best thing you can do is to not resist anything but just be yourself. The light will dawn on you soon, or so I like to believe. *hugs*
    I can relate with how you feel like you’ve let yourself down. And tbh, I feel like I’ve let myself and my entire world down. I probably cant offer you any advice on this, but I just would like you to know that you’re not alone here. 🤗💕💕🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling the same way ❤️ I hope things get better for you soon. I would tell you exactly all of the things you’ve just told me except that would of course make me a huge hypocrite! I know for certain though that you haven’t let yourself or the entire world down – take these things one day at a time. Baby steps ✨ Sending you lots of light and virtual hugs xxx

      Like

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