ramblings – i miss being sad

Hello my loves,

I feel as though I’ve been really distant lately, and I don’t like it. I spoke about this in a blog post maybe over a year ago now, but I just feel as though I’m not as here as I’d like to be.

I’m still posting every week, but I don’t feel like I’m really talking or saying very much – part of that is due to the fact that I don’t feel like I have much to say, and the other part is due to me just being so busy I don’t even know where to begin.

This blog started out as a place for me to essentially share my thoughts and feelings with the world in the hopes that I’d find people who felt the same and would listen, and I did. Over time my mental health has gotten a lot better than it was when I originally started this blog and because of that, I feel like I can’t write in the same way I used to anymore. With sadness comes a lot of pain and grief, and I turned that into something beautiful and created words out of it. I used to write beautiful things, constantly, like the words were pouring out of me so fast I couldn’t even keep up. Nowadays, I’m not half as bad as what I once was – that’s a positive, of course, but it means I also can’t write those same things anymore. I was thinking about this the other day, about how bittersweet it was that in order to have one I had to sacrifice the other – feeling so sad and lonely that it swallowed me whole, but being able to create beautiful things out of it, or feeling happy and being able to create…nothing. I can’t write those same things anymore unless I’m in that same place, and these days I’m just…not. Sure, I still write the odd thing here and there every few months when I’m feeling that certain way, but it’s not a constant anymore, there’s no weekly dose of me pouring my heart out, and I miss that, but I don’t miss the sadness that comes with it.

I used to journal constantly, I would write and write and write, and then I started my blog and stopped journaling as much, because the things I wanted to say I would now just write into an electronic word document instead, and so my journal became less of a regular occurrence in my life, and I miss that too. But what the hell do I write? I’m okay. I still have bad days, I still have days where my anxiety takes up every part of my being and days where I wake up and my sadness is so heavy I can’t even get out of bed, but it’s not regular anymore. It’s not me anymore, but in losing that part of me which I of course am thankful for, I lost something else, too. Something I wish I hadn’t and something I wish I could get back but can’t. So I’m just here, posting but not really saying anything because I’m not feeling anything strong enough worth writing about. So what do I do?

I just feel a bit…absent. And I don’t like it. I’m also just…busy. I work a full time job, I also go to university full time (I know that makes no sense but long story), I read a lot and I also do Youtube now which, I might talk about later on down the line but, that also takes up a lot of my time. This combined with the things of general day to day life that take up time means that I can’t spend as much time as I’d like to writing what I want to write anymore, and I can’t write what I want to write anymore because I don’t feel like that anymore but then I also feel unfulfilled and it’s just a never ending cycle that I can’t seem to get out of, I feel like I’m always racing to catch up.

The title of this blog post isn’t true, I don’t miss being sad, I just miss all of the beautiful things that I was able to create with it. I feel like I just want to write more but I don’t know what to write about, I don’t feel whimsically sad anymore and I don’t have those wistful teenage emotions that I used to, which of course just comes with growing older but still, I don’t really know how to write in that same way as an almost 23 year old. Do I miss it? Of course I do. I miss it and I miss that time a lot, but nostalgia is a liar that makes everything seem better than it was, I know I’m looking at it through rose tinted glasses. I was going through hell at that time, I would never want to go back there, but I wish I could still have a smidgen of the spark that ignited so many of my most favoured writings back then. I wish I could still write like that now, and I can, of course, I’m doing it right as we speak, but it’s only because I’m essentially talking about something negative. I don’t want to only be able to write like that if I’m sad, I want to be able to write like that when I’m happy too. I guess it all just comes down to age and time – I’m growing and I’m older and I’m going through different phases in my life, I’m into different things and I like different things and it’s okay to change. I’m still the same of course, but also not. I feel like I’m trying to navigate this new time using the mould I had for myself when I was still a teenager and of course, that doesn’t work, but I don’t really know anything else. I was sad for so long it’s the only way I know how to do things. The thing is, I’ve never really been happy in order to write in that same way – writing in that way when I’m sad is the only thing I’ve ever known, so I don’t know how to turn the tables and do anything else. I can try, but it’s nowhere near the things I’d like to produce. My sad emotions outweigh my happy ones and that’s something I’ll always just have to deal with, but it also makes me sad that when I’m happy…I lose the part of myself that I always want to cling on to. Or maybe I’m just being nostalgic for 17 year old Chloe who felt so sad she didn’t know if she could still live in the world. Who knows. Only time will tell.

Only time, will tell.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

11 thoughts on “ramblings – i miss being sad

  1. chloeburford says:

    Ahhh Chloe you are such a beautiful writer!! However I do understand what you mean, when my depression was at its worst I used to play guitar so much and I ended up just throwing myself into music. But when I got better I stopped playing, it was almost like I didn’t need that escape anymore. I adore your blog and the content you produce and whether you post once a week, once a month, or every day I know I will enjoy what you put out there. Take all the time you need, you are a glorious content creator and an amazing person!!! xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      You hit the nail on the head !! It’s kind of like I associated those things with my depression and so when I wasn’t feeling that way anymore I moved away from them, but what I didn’t realise was that I didn’t love those things BECAUSE of my depression, they were just the things that helped me get through it. Thank you so much as always for your wonderful words angel as they truly mean so much to me 💞 you are the sweetest !! xxx

      Like

  2. Hazel @ Places + Peonies says:

    Thank goodness I’m not the only one who feels this way! Growing up I had a love hate relationship with my depression but it helped me want to CREATE things, get those emotions out. When anxiety came along and took over, that all changed. I don’t have that constant desire to CREATE SOMETHING like I use to. The sadness from anxiety makes me NOT want to create. I’m actively trying to push myself to do it anyway, but some days it’s really hard and I hate feeling like my blog/writing is suffering because I don’t know what to write.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Couldn’t have said it better myself !! Took the words right out of my mouth. You’re definitely not alone in the way that you feel! Sometimes I think we just have to write for the sake of forcing ourselves to get words out onto the page, even if it’s rubbish and even if no one is ever going to see it – at least we can say we tried. Sending you so much light ✨x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ana-Alicia says:

    People push away difficult emotions, like sadness, but don’t realize the creativity it cultivates. I am happy you are feeling better. It is understandable to feel the way you do. There will always be difficult roads along your journey, so you will always have something to write about, even if it is less frequent. If you have nothing to write, that is fine, you don’t want to force it. I totally get it though. I don’t like when I can’t find anything to write either, but sometimes you just have nothing to say.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hannah says:

    Maybe it is time for a rebrand. You have had this blog since April 2017 if your archive is correct which means you were 19/20 when you made this blog and you are now approaching 23. A lot happens during those years so it is completely understandable that you are not the same person anymore. I am definitely not the same person I was when I was 20! If this blog is definitely something that you would like to continue, then maybe have a think about what you would like to write about, what you care about. You already write about music and books that you are loving – would you like this to be a lifestyle blog – or would you like to start writing about politics and educate others. The world is your oyster! 🙂 xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Correct !! I think the thing for me is that I’ve never put myself into a category when it comes to my blog because I never want to limit myself to what I can and can’t talk about – I want to talk about anything and everything I want. For me I think it’s about balance because I know different people follow me for different reasons and so, I don’t want to bombard people with lots of posts in a row about a certain topic because I know not everyone enjoys that and therefore balance is key for me, but sometimes it’s hard to find that balance when I have more of one thing than I do the other. Thank you for your words Hannah xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    Chloe!! You are a beautiful wonderful being and let’s romanticise being happy please 😍 look at how far you’ve come darling! I totally know where you’re coming from – pain can transcend into beautiful art – I know that, but the more you try the further you’ll get. It might feel odd to write about happiness at first, but then one day, it will become you, and you will find your part darling girl! Trust me! I felt like I didn’t know what to say a few weeks ago, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing what I had to share – then I found my voice again and thank goodness I did! Have you tried balancing out your throat chakra? It’s all about communication! Also – you’re a busy girl doing so much, if the blog takes a backseat at the moment then that’s fine! Sometimes you just have to step outside your comfort zone / that’s how God helps you grow! Get that happy bag sis and write about whatever feels good to you. If it feels odd at first ride with it, you’ll get there ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe Luna says:

      Ah you are seriously just an Earth angel!❤️ I appreciate it so much, truly. I think I will just trying to start writing about happiness and build my writing up from that – I can get there if I try. Happiness definitely doesn’t come as naturally to me as sadness hahah but I got this (I hope!) Thank you for your support as always lovely !! Sending you so much light ✨xxx

      Like

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