Sometimes I get scared of being alone. I love being alone but I don’t like being lonely. Now I don’t like being alone or being lonely. I don’t know why I’m scared of my own company, I guess because it means I have time to sit there and overthink myself into anxiety, which is the last thing I want. When I’m with other people I’m okay, I’m distracted, I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts.
Are you healed or just distracted? I’m healing. There’s nothing to distract myself from, I just create problems in my head that aren’t there. I’m creating my own anxieties. They’re all manmade. I’m happy. There’s nothing wrong and everything is fine, but my brain refuses to believe it. Can everything really be okay? Like, really? Can things actually be okay for once? No issues, no games, no sad feelings? I find it difficult to comprehend. My mind is a little overwhelmed in this new territory, so it resorts to doing what it does best – overthinking. Creating problems. Birthing anxiety.
I’m now finding myself not wanting to be alone, I like being with other people now. I’ve decided. I like company. I don’t like my own company, I don’t want it anymore. I’ll ruin it. I don’t want to ruin it, so I want to stay away.
Eventually you have to stop running, and eventually you run out of excuses. I have to be alone. I have no choice this time, I can’t keep filling up my time with other people, eventually there’ll be a space I need to fill by no one but myself. So I sit here, and I breathe and I tell myself it’s okay and it’s not that bad. And it isn’t. I catch up on everything I haven’t been doing. My old life. I’ve been too anxious to read, so I read. I catch up on overdue essays and hoovering my bedroom floor that I should have done 2 weeks ago but didn’t because I haven’t been home. I put the things away I’ve strewn across surfaces as I’ve been in a rush to leave the house, I sort my wardrobe out as I try to find the clothes I seem to have misplaced recently, not knowing if they’re in my car or someone else’s. I catch up on albums I should have listened to weeks ago when they came out but haven’t. I need to clean my car because it’s got five pairs of shoes in the boot that I wore on five different occasions and I need to phone that company up and I need to answer those emails. I need to come back for a minute but my mind doesn’t want to. Trying to be grateful when I have no choice but to be alone because it forces me to do what I don’t want to, and after a minute it’s all okay again. I can breathe and I can get on with things and just because I’m doing old things doesn’t mean I have to go back to my old ways, things have changed but my brain hasn’t caught up with that part of me yet.
Trying to remember that it’s still important to also make time for myself deliberately, not just by default. I haven’t been dumped here with myself, I’m choosing to be here with myself because I need some alone time, some me time, I need to catch up with myself and think about how I’m feeling. I need to get my own timeline back on track since I’ve been so caught up in everyone else’s. It’s important. I’m trying to find that balance.
It’s overwhelming, there’s two halves of me and the new half is trying to convince the old half that things are different now, but my old half thinks it knows better. I don’t know whose side I’m on, I’m just kind of here in the middle finding it all hard to navigate, waiting to see which side will triumph in the end. I still don’t know. I’m just here, confused and overwhelmed and I know what I’m doing but a little deeper under the surface I’m not actually all that sure. I know I’m happy and I know I like whatever this is, but I don’t know what to do with it and I don’t know how to turn it into something that isn’t short lived. I really don’t want it to be short lived, maybe that’s what I’m so anxious about. I think it’s too good to be true. I think it’s all too good to last. Things like this don’t happen to me, so there must be a catch. I’m trying to find it, and overthinking myself into the anxiety in the process. I can’t just accept things for what they are.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to write about it but the words are just pouring out of me, and that’s another thing I hope isn’t short lived. I don’t want this burst to end again, because even though things are new and different now, I used to write more than I used to breathe and then I didn’t anymore because I stopped allowing life to happen to me, so the words dried out. These words did, anyway. My favourite words. They’re coming back to me again now, and I don’t want them to leave again. I hope they stay.
I hope I can stay.